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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL dog and baby

50 replies

newmama311 · 03/11/2023 07:22

I'll set the scene before baby, sister in law (late 20s good as gold really sadly suffers with poor mental health after string of bad relationships not her fault for which she is having counselling) has a badly trained 8 year old French bulldog who is her security blanket. We have a cat and aren't into dogs but would have the dog round and make an effort to appease sensitive soul SIL and shut the cat away. There was an incident where the dog snuck up the stairs when I went to check on our out of sorts cat and she chased her until the cat jumped to safety, I don't speak dog so I can't tell if it was aggression or play (the owners always say play don't they). One of a string of boisterous behaviours. Other stories of the dog getting jealous at another baby visiting too.

When baby was born, we tried to have the dog and baby in the same room; she was newborn and in our arms and the dog on a lead, she kept lunging up, but didn't growl or anything. As not our dog, every time the dog sees baby it's a novelty and she is getting more and more excited by her and she did really lunge up a few weeks ago. Then a story (SIL tried to hide this from us but another family member said) that the dog went for another dog the other day in the park. When I raised it with SIL she downplayed it and said people were being dramatic but I can't help but log this data point.

When we have tried to acclimatise dog and baby in the same room it's ended up in my SIL getting so anxious she cries and tbh I haven't enjoyed the time together at all. We have said we don't want dog and baby in the same house as it's taking the enjoyment away from everyone spending time with their grandchild and the baby.

Fast forward to now, when we do meet up it is in restaurants (used to be at MIL and FIL house most of the time) and I think MIL has orchestrated it this way to avoid topic of dog getting invited as everyone is on eggshells so as not to upset SIL we have been told 'dog is a baby to SIL'. On maternity leave and DH and I are short on cash so the meals out 30 mins drive away aren't ideal, and they don't really get to see her playing and being herself.

DH is totally on board in fact this not wanting to mix the 2 came from him and even more black and white about the dog must stay away, but in us stating this; we have been pushed out not the dog :( we normally all have a lovely family bond and connection but this pet is putting a spanner in the works and yet I feel like people are acting like it's ours and the babies problem.

It's led to me putting a message on a group chat to kindly say when can we come round or when can people come to us. People are coming to us (it's not been said but it's cos again they won't bend and can't bear to leave the dog out and risk SIL feelings).

Do we need to tell everyone how we feel? Everyone makes out they really love and care for the baby but I'm struggling to see it? She looks like my side of the family and I wonder if that has something to do with it and why they aren't bonding and trying to care? It's making me question everything. If it was SIL baby I would go above and beyond to care and see the baby, this just does not seem to be the case.

Also they haven't made their house baby friendly to visit, no attempt to get a high chair for her to go in etc. they do get her sale item baby clothes (out of season worn once and then charity shop) and presents from holiday but that's about it :( and then make comments about they haven't seen baby.

Any advice or perspectives welcome from any angle. Yes the dog was here first but a baby is a human being.

OP posts:
goneaway2 · 03/11/2023 07:33

I have a dog, and I understand if people don't want him near them. Can she get the dog a nice soft crate for if they absolutely have to be in the same building? I'd ban him from your own home, for the sake of your cat. Your house, your rules.

KatieB55 · 03/11/2023 07:39

Could you get a playpen for the dog? There are lots online or 2nd hand. We used one for our puppy with bedding & toys.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 03/11/2023 07:43

Does DSIL live with your DILS?

Mummymummy89 · 03/11/2023 07:47

Yanbu and must protect your baby from the dog.

About the parents... I have some sympathy for them. They probably feel a burden of guilt/responsibility (perhaps misplaced) about their daughter's problems. They would probably in their hearts prefer that SIL was mentally well and didn't need a menacing dog as her "baby", so they can be ordinary grandparents.

I appreciate I might be projecting because my mum has spent so much headspace over the years worrying about my adult sister's problems. I used to feel resentful and pushed out but now I know it's really not ideal for her either.

Original poster
newmama311 · 03/11/2023 07:47

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 03/11/2023 07:43

Does DSIL live with your DILS?

No but she may as well where she is a bit anxious often she needs their support bless her

OP posts:
Original poster
newmama311 · 03/11/2023 07:50

goneaway2 · 03/11/2023 07:33

I have a dog, and I understand if people don't want him near them. Can she get the dog a nice soft crate for if they absolutely have to be in the same building? I'd ban him from your own home, for the sake of your cat. Your house, your rules.

The dog whimpers and barks when behind a gate or shut away repeated and it's no backdrop for a relaxing or fun time for anyone least SIL me and DH

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 03/11/2023 07:51

No but she may as well where she is a bit anxious often she needs their support bless her.

That's a shame as it rules out popping around to their house in the week with DD.

I agree with others that I'd stop them coming to yours. Instead of the meals, could you suggest a walk on the park and one of you wear DD?

Rjahdhdvd · 03/11/2023 07:52

can you not see your parents in law at their house without the dog? Why does sil always have to be there?
I honestly would try not to give it too much headspace; you’ve decided rightly that the dog shouldn’t be around the baby and it’s up to your in laws how much effort they then make.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 03/11/2023 07:54

I think your slightly overthinking this, just go to PiL when SiL isn’t there.

also, they don’t need to baby proof their house. I didn’t baby proof MY house, you can’t expect someone else to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

TulipOH · 03/11/2023 07:55

SIL needs to leave the dog at home when she comes to your house.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/11/2023 07:55

I would speak (or DH could do it) to your MIL. She clearly thinks having the baby around the dog is a a bad idea or wouldn’t be suggesting the restaurants. Tell her you can’t afford it, but would obviously still like to see them. Ask if you can meet up without sil and the dog.

I see my parents loads-my siblings aren’t always there!

LittleOwl153 · 03/11/2023 08:04

I wonder if you might be misreading this and blaming the dog when in actual fact what you have is grandparents that are not that 'into' the baby. Not all grandparents dote on babies, some are better when they become children who communicate, some never get there.

You are doing g the right thing keeping the dog separate though and maybe you need to speak out about lunch out being unaffordable on maternity pay!

On the highchair front - you can get foldable booster seats you can transport from one place to another. Yes more kit but very effective!

Vinrouge4 · 03/11/2023 08:05

Can’t your PIL come round to visit on their own? Why does it always have to be a family outing?

snoreb · 03/11/2023 08:10

They don't need to baby proof their house. Your baby doesn't live there. It's on you as her parents to stop her from interfering with thing she shouldn't be playing with. Also it's laughable that you think that they don't like your baby because she looks like you.

windypumpkin · 03/11/2023 08:13

I was entirely with you. Yes say no to the dog. DH will have to say when they complain about not seeing baby that it doesn't feel safe enough with the dog.

Also they haven't made their house baby friendly to visit, no attempt to get a high chair for her to go in etc. they do get her sale item baby clothes (out of season worn once and then charity shop) and presents from holiday but that's about it :( and then make comments about they haven't seen baby. but this made my blood boil tbh. If you want them to have a high chair buy them one or one of those ones that fit on a chair. They don't have to make their house baby friendly. And you clearly look down your nose at their gifts.

TheLoveIsReal · 03/11/2023 08:14

I would have no problem telling her she was being ridiculous about the bloody dog and tell her to grow up. The dog is not her fucking baby 🙄

In this scenario they just wouldn’t get to see my kids 🤷‍♀️

windypumpkin · 03/11/2023 08:15

How old is your baby? I'm wondering if possibility postnatal mental health issues might be exacerbating some of these "problems" for you. I agree your dog fear is completely valid though

Codlingmoths · 03/11/2023 08:16

‘We can’t afford these restaurants. You are welcome over anytime, or I’ll come to yours if you tell me when it’s dog free.’
and if they don’t and still say they don’t see the baby- ‘well what time next week would suit for there to be no dog at yours so we could come over?
no time suits? That’s a shame.

‘dog is sils baby’ well, if sil had a baby who might kill our baby we’d have to be just as paranoid. As it is she has a dog who is a risk to our baby so we can’t have them together.

Mischance · 03/11/2023 08:17

Make it clear - happy to see SIL, but not the dog. Just say No.

Don't go round to hers. At all.

If people choose to have a dog they have to accept the limitations that this brings with it - one of those is that there will be people who do not wish to see/interact with it, and that they cannot take it everywhere they might wish.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/11/2023 08:17

we have been told 'dog is a baby to SIL'.
This is the problem. Why is everyone babying this woman? She’s in her late 20s. Even you do it, OP, with your phrases: she’s “good as gold” and “bless her”. She’s an adult! Start treating her as such and stop tiptoeing around her. The dog is no longer invited to your house, ever. It’s not SIL’s baby, it’s her badly behaved dog.

Re baby proofing, no one has to do that to their house, the onus is on you to supervise your baby when visiting, even if it’s the baby’s grandparents’ house. My parents don’t cover their pond, don’t have stair gates, leave the shed open, etc. They do have a travel cot, high chair, sleeping bags, baby bowls and cutlery, and toys and books to facilitate us visiting and I think if your in-laws have the space it’s not unreasonable to expect that – my MIL doesn’t bother and it makes visiting much more difficult, and as a consequence we visit her less. Her loss!

windypumpkin · 03/11/2023 08:19

Even you do it, OP, with your phrases: she’s “good as gold” and “bless her I noticed this. Incredibly patronising

1990thatsme · 03/11/2023 08:24

I’m a little confused. Why can’t you see PILS at your house? Are you saying they refuse to come? Or refuse to come without SIL (and the dog)?

I wouldn’t fanny around with vague messages on a group chat. Invite PILS round for a specific reason and take it from there. Carry on seeing SIL away from the dog, and if that’s minimal contact then so be it

gotomomo · 03/11/2023 08:26

Can't you just go when sil isn't there then, or grandparents come to you without her? I don't understand why they can't be separated from their daughter as she doesn't live with them. As for seeing sil, does she walk her dog on a lead? If so go for walks with dc in pushchair and dog on lead, the dog will acclimatise that way.

We have the opposite issue, nieces and nephews won't leave old dog alone!

Whataretheodds · 03/11/2023 08:27

Codlingmoths · 03/11/2023 08:16

‘We can’t afford these restaurants. You are welcome over anytime, or I’ll come to yours if you tell me when it’s dog free.’
and if they don’t and still say they don’t see the baby- ‘well what time next week would suit for there to be no dog at yours so we could come over?
no time suits? That’s a shame.

‘dog is sils baby’ well, if sil had a baby who might kill our baby we’d have to be just as paranoid. As it is she has a dog who is a risk to our baby so we can’t have them together.

Exactly this. And don't be so ridiculous about gifts/high chair.

FlamingoHels · 03/11/2023 08:37

Similar issue here - parents in laws just appease SIL (who has a nutty dog) & wont say no to her.

6 years later we still have the same crappy dog drama ruining every Christmas / family occasion.

Be firm op. Set your boundaries (eg no dogs in my house) and stay strong. Wish I had been stronger from day 1.

My parents in law pretend to respect me but really everything revolves around appeasing SIL who is a difficult character.