SIL dog and baby

[newmama311]

I'll set the scene before baby, sister in law (late 20s good as gold really sadly suffers with poor mental health after string of bad relationships not her fault for which she is having counselling) has a badly trained 8 year old French bulldog who is her security blanket. We have a cat and aren't into dogs but would have the dog round and make an effort to appease sensitive soul SIL and shut the cat away. There was an incident where the dog snuck up the stairs when I went to check on our out of sorts cat and she chased her until the cat jumped to safety, I don't speak dog so I can't tell if it was aggression or play (the owners always say play don't they). One of a string of boisterous behaviours. Other stories of the dog getting jealous at another baby visiting too.

When baby was born, we tried to have the dog and baby in the same room; she was newborn and in our arms and the dog on a lead, she kept lunging up, but didn't growl or anything. As not our dog, every time the dog sees baby it's a novelty and she is getting more and more excited by her and she did really lunge up a few weeks ago. Then a story (SIL tried to hide this from us but another family member said) that the dog went for another dog the other day in the park. When I raised it with SIL she downplayed it and said people were being dramatic but I can't help but log this data point.

When we have tried to acclimatise dog and baby in the same room it's ended up in my SIL getting so anxious she cries and tbh I haven't enjoyed the time together at all. We have said we don't want dog and baby in the same house as it's taking the enjoyment away from everyone spending time with their grandchild and the baby.

Fast forward to now, when we do meet up it is in restaurants (used to be at MIL and FIL house most of the time) and I think MIL has orchestrated it this way to avoid topic of dog getting invited as everyone is on eggshells so as not to upset SIL we have been told 'dog is a baby to SIL'. On maternity leave and DH and I are short on cash so the meals out 30 mins drive away aren't ideal, and they don't really get to see her playing and being herself.

DH is totally on board in fact this not wanting to mix the 2 came from him and even more black and white about the dog must stay away, but in us stating this; we have been pushed out not the dog :( we normally all have a lovely family bond and connection but this pet is putting a spanner in the works and yet I feel like people are acting like it's ours and the babies problem.

It's led to me putting a message on a group chat to kindly say when can we come round or when can people come to us. People are coming to us (it's not been said but it's cos again they won't bend and can't bear to leave the dog out and risk SIL feelings).

Do we need to tell everyone how we feel? Everyone makes out they really love and care for the baby but I'm struggling to see it? She looks like my side of the family and I wonder if that has something to do with it and why they aren't bonding and trying to care? It's making me question everything. If it was SIL baby I would go above and beyond to care and see the baby, this just does not seem to be the case.

Also they haven't made their house baby friendly to visit, no attempt to get a high chair for her to go in etc. they do get her sale item baby clothes (out of season worn once and then charity shop) and presents from holiday but that's about it :( and then make comments about they haven't seen baby.

Any advice or perspectives welcome from any angle. Yes the dog was here first but a baby is a human being.

YANBU at all. Even with our own dog we kept him separate to our babies/children when they were very little.

I had a similar situation and it really helped when a friend explained that my job was to prioritise my baby and my parents job was to prioritise their mentally unwell child (my sibling). Neither of us were wrong but it was unrealistic to expect my parents to choose my child over theirs. It really helped me to make peace with this situation. Things change as babies grow. Their relationship with your baby may change as they get older. Your SIL may feel stronger or eventually the dog will die. Until then try to make peace with the situation in your mind and enjoy your baby.

YABU purely for trying to have baby and a bulldog in the same room many times despite the fact that the bulldog showed aggressive behaviour. Stop pandering to your SIL. As someone else said, you are treating her like a child when she is an adult. Put your baby first. That dog should be nowhere near your baby. SIL is not allowed to visit with dog. If she refuses to leave dog at home, well she cannot visit you. Simple as that. Only visit PIL if SIL and dog are not there. Put the boundary in now and stick to it. Your SIL's MH issues are not your problem - I'm sorry if that sounds cold but if the solution to her MH problems is putting your baby at risk from an aggressive dog, then it is a hard no. Protect your baby.

I think your PIL sound alright actually OP. They're making a real effort to support you without upsetting SIL by suggesting the meals out. Agree that if you want a highchair or anything there that you need to bring it, and no need for them to baby proof - although you might find that as baby turns to toddler they move breakables anyway

Just keep inviting everyone to yours, and SIL can choose whether or not to come sans dog.

You’re making this much harder than it needs to be tbh, visit the in laws when sil isn’t there or, if that’s too difficult, invite them to yours. You could invite sil too, without the dog.
As for your comments about them not buying enough for your child and not baby proofing their house, don’t be daft. It’s silly to expect someone who doesn’t have a baby to baby proof their house. If you want them to have a high chair there, bring one with you or buy one if they’re happy to store it in their home.

There’s lots of dogs in my family but we all kept them separated when seeing each other babies- even when they are well trained etc.

If sil is able to go to a restaurant for an hour or so then can she not stop by yours or your in laws for an hour without the dog?
Do your in laws still come over without your sil?

I know it’s a support dog and you’ve been very understanding but you’re right to have your boundaries etc.

it’s a separate issue about their house being child friendly- sadly you can’t expect anyone to change their house for your child. My family has as we have lots of babies in the family but my in laws haven’t. We take a portable high chair for my little one and toys etc when we go. Feels like a huge day out for the sake of an hour but it’s not their responsibility to provide for
our little one.

it’s absolutely normal to expect SIL to visit you without the dog and PIL to visit you without SIL or you to visit PIL’s house without SIL present. Why should she always be there? She is in her 20s she should have be busy with a lot of other things (with or without her dog) rather than sitting and looking at her brother’s child. And I’m saying this as loving and caring aunt.

As to baby proofing the house and buying things… well you should come to them with whatever necessary for the visit. If they don’t have equipment for a longer visit and you can’t bring it there - you only do a short visit. They might have problems with money or space so you can’t expect them buying things.

By the way you are not paranoid about thinking that baby looking like you is affecting PIL’s feelings. People will say to you: of course not, but in reality it might. It doesn’t mean that they won’t love baby but it makes bonding a bit more difficult because they have to bond with a new person rather then just see their son in a tiny form and relate to this. For most normal and reasonable people it doesn’t matter but your PIL don’t sound as reasonable (who meets up in restaurants to get to know your grandchild???) so they might be weird in this aspect as well .

My SIL came as part of the package and if in laws were there then she also had to be there. She has spent most of the last 30 years single, no MH issues, she is just obnoxious. DH family was always very much poor Helen and she was treated with kid gloves because they are a bit scared of her, well MIL and DH are. Now MIL has confided in me that really she knows her DD is incredibly difficult, FIL is dead now and he was also obnoxious. In all this poor MIL has endured the most as has DH. I was the only one to ever question anything so FIL and SIL didn’t like me.

Your PIL will be very worried about their daughters MH issues which is why this is happening. Mine especially MIL were worried their DD would kick off. MIL actually rang me to say she had stood up to her DD recently, poor woman she is a nervous wreck because of the way those two treated her.

If you don’t want your SIL’s dog near your baby, then don’t let her bring your dog to your house.

You can’t, however, tell your PILs and SIL that she can’t bring her dog to their house.

I can see why you’re worried about the dog, (although I do think you sound over-anxious about it) but it’s up to you to set boundaries in your own home.

In your in-laws’ home, a French bulldog is a small, very easily controlled and contained breed, small enough to on someone’s lap. It’s normal for a dog to be interested or excited in the presence of a baby and gentle introduction is the way to go, although I appreciate your SIL isn’t helping in that regard.

I lost you complained that your in-laws won’t baby proof their house or get a high chair. They don’t have to baby proof their house or get a high chair because they are not the ones who had a baby. You are being incredibly precious to think that anyone else should be baby proofing on your behalf and if you want to put your baby in a high chair, bring your own. As for you thinking they don’t like your baby because it looks like you… I don’t think you’re seeing this rationally at all.

Don't let them away with saying that they miss the baby or want to spend time with their grandchild. Tell them every time that it's not through lack of trying on your part. They can visit any time or let you know when to visit them.

If they start the "poor sil" act. Just factually state that your baby's safety comes first and, she can visit for an hour without the dog. Just like she manages to attend a restaurant without it.

Don't let them guilt you. This is their problem to sort. Maybe when they see how involved your family is, they'll step up. Or maybe you just have to drop the rope and accept that your baby isnt a priority to them and adjust your life/expectations accordingly.

Note taken about the presents and baby proofing I do get it, only PIL are very capable, practical, well off, and have lots of toys for the dog.

We have a portable high chair but it's about as useful as a chocolate teapot to be honest

Dog is big for the breed, around the size of a cockerpoo but more muscley and heavy

Thanks for all your replies, I will manage expectations accordingly and not expect too much in the way of facilitating our baby. For the sake of a £5 on Facebook marketplace for no high chair, for a well off family, it will have to be.

My in laws are the same, they are very well off and my little one only gets something small at her birthday or Christmas.

I’m not fussed by it now as she’s just happy to see them when we visit and I don’t mind taking toys for her. We have a great portable high chair- a chicco one. It does the job well for when we visit.

I think a pp was right. I don’t think you appreciate that not everyone is baby mad. They may be well off but that doesn’t mean they need to buy things for your baby.

I had the most wonderful PILs anyone could wish for, and they were the most doting of grandparents. But they didn't have any baby equipment or toys, and it didn't occur to us to expect them to.
When we went up to stay, we took what we needed.

I do have stuff for my DGDs because it's just one of those things I enjoy. It gives my house a good feel. But I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to match the patience, time and absolute love that my MIL gave my kids.

So spare yours the passive aggressive tone of the post I quoted. It sounds like she has enough to worry about with her daughter.

You aren't painting yourself in a great light here OP. Nobody owes you a bloody highchair.

I was completely on board with you about the dog and then you made the cracks about the high chair and the "out of season" clothes for the baby. 🙄

Dogs can't be fully trusted around babies and small children. That's because they're dogs.

Our compromise when the grandchildren were babies was to keep the dog on a lead indoors when the children visited. That way they grew accustomed to each other from a safe space across the room.

We could all enjoy family get-togethers, dogs and children alike, without fear for the children.

A few years on, dog and children are very comfortable around each other.
And I still watch the dog like a hawk.

Buy a high chair then for them or when they offer to buy the baby lots of tat for Christmas say 'can we have a highchair' for your house.

Absolutely this
Stop pandering to SIL , your babies safety is far more important

We have a Frenchie. They are generally a very laid back breed, but they can suffer from anxiety and like to know they are important in your life. Ours is also bloody stubborn when she wants to be and not the easiest to train. She knows full well what I am asking her to do, but whether she does it is a different matter. I could see that a Frenchie who was quite spoilt, as this one seems to be, would be a difficult dog to control.

But regardless of the breed, if you aren't comfortable with a dog around your child, then don't do it. Maybe when the weather warms up you can meet in a park, so there is a bit more space.

The only thing I would say is a bit unreasonable is expecting others to baby proof their own homes or provide high chairs etc. It's nice if they do, but not something you should assume.

Agree with everything but not the description of a Frenchie. They aren't that small and they are deceptively strong, they can be exceptionally fast when they want to and they weigh a lot as they are very muscular. Containing mine on my lap if she doesn't want to be there is impossible.

My brother has a Frenchie. And it's way bigger than than I thought they were. It's not little dog size at all. It's also not been socialised at all, so when I go round (which is hardly ever, fortunately) it goes insane and launches at me over and over again. He's so solid and so heavy that he knocks me over, even if I'm sitting.

I love dogs, but not him. I meet my brother elsewhere now. I'm too old to risk injury from a stupid dog. Any child in his way would be terrified.

That right there makes you sound like an entitled brat stomping her feet, give yourself a shake.

I'm starting to think maybe the sil isn't making it all about the dog and there's more behind the scenes... like the horrid attitude your showing. Read back the patronising way you talk about her, the entitled comments about PIL and the gifts/high chair. Some scope for reflection there.