I need to leave, don't I.

[Iknowyoullgetmethrough]

I'm in my early/mid 30s and I'm a couple of years older. We've been together a few years, we rent together, but there's zero sign of marriage and children. I discussed it with him a year ago, the answer was not ready yet. I respected that and left it another 6 months. 6 months later, the answer was the same.
In my head I've given it another 6 months which will take us to early next year. This also coincidences with our tenancy ending.
Now in the 4th month and I feel like I'm in limbo.
I know my partner loves me but my fertility won't last forever.
Sadly I know he's not ready to be a husband and father, I know it deep down. He's very into going out, which there's nothing wrong with, but I can just tell. Goes out watching football a lot.
He's never, ever mentioned marriage or children without being prompted. I mean, never said anything like 'I'd love to marry you one day." He said he'd like children eventually but it's all very vague.
I've met somebody else at work who I like, he's slightly older and very sweet. I'm keeping a firm distance from this other man because it's likely clouding my judgement. I am not that person and never have been, I only speak to him if I absolutely have to, however this is making me feel really guilty even though I know these things are natural.
I can't pretend for 2 more months. I'm scared if he says no again. I love him and don't want to walk away, it's hard after so many years. I'll have to pay 2 rents at once if I leave earlier, can't break our tenancy earlier. It's not ideal but I could probably just afford it for a couple of months.
I feel like I'm living a lie. Is he magically going to change in the next couple of months and give me a concrete answer?

Far from being impatient I think you’ve stayed with him far too long.

Even if you are being impatient, that's your prerogative. If you are 33 / 34 you can't afford to hang around forever. Time for having a child (or more than one) may or may not be running out for you, especially if you factor in several years to meet and develop a relationship with someone else.

I married at 32 and started trying to conceive within the year but never did have my own child. To cut a long story short, my eggs were already ageing when tested around 34 and even with fertility treatments, my only conception turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy.

The first time I asked my then bf about marriage, we ended up deciding to do it and the wedding was 6 months later. You've given him plenty of chances.

If he says to me that he definitely wants xyz next year, then that's more than good enough for me.

It shouldn’t be anywhere near good enough. After a few years together he either wants it now or he doesn’t.

Don’t be one of the naive women who allows themselves to be strung along through their fertile years with an empty promise that is never fulfilled.

He will tell you what you want to hear to keep hold of you.

FFS - what was the point of posting?
The vote is 96% YANBU, not a single person has said "stick it out for a few more years and see if he changes his mind"
But you just keep posting comments like the one above???

I could have written this post eleven years ago. I’d been with my ex for four years, he was in his early 40s and every time I broached the subject of moving in together, marriage or children he just said he wasn’t ready. I asked him if he actually wanted those thing and he would just say “I’ve always thought I’d do them, yes”. I left in the end, and resigned myself to not having marriage or children. Four months later I met my now husband, we clicked instantly and he moved in within a month, within three years we were married with two children. Don’t lose faith, it will happen, just not with him.

No, I think you need to leave him and find someone who does want to have babies, and who wants to have them with you.

You need to tell him he has to sh*t or get off the pot. His reaction will be telling; then act accordingly. If he’s not ready, there’s no point waiting around.

Fucking hell, op, you are going to allow this man to lead you by the nose straight down the primrose path to never having a child and never being married.

Why, why, why do you keep putting this man before yourself? You should have run ages ago.

You need to give him an ultimatum, I'd probably time it with the tenancy running out. I wouldnt make any plans to live together. Get your own place as though youre separating. If for wahtever reason youre not then you can still visit each other/ unofficially move in as I get how hard it is to start from scratch with the dating etc. But make plans to leave. You wont meet someone who wants to start a family with you until you leave your current partner.

I know I'm being ridiculous, apologies, I just love him and really want it to work. I've seen women on here who wait 9-10 years for marriage and it all works out well for them.

Don't throw your fertile years away on a hope.

And to be honest, a guy in his 30s who isn't ready to settle down and still parties like a 20 year old isn't the best catch.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

See if you say yo
l leave as he doesn’t want kids, he’ll say he does to keep you and then it’ll be a year further down the line. I genuinely don’t know how if he does say yes you’d ever know he’s being serious. Do you have the funds to freeze some eggs?

He's a year off 30, not sure if that makes any difference?

I can tell you when.

Never.

He's not the man for you because he doesn't want what you want. This doesn't make him a bad person, just the wrong person. The end of the tenancy is a natural break. Use the time left to find somewhere else where you can grieve this dead relationship and meet the right man.

So sorry for you, OP.

"If he says to me that he definitely wants xyz next year, then that's more than good enough for me"

@Iknowyoullgetmethrough

BUT... This is YOUR life lovely, do not live it "through" him and settle!

No don’t give it another year. If he wanted to marry you, you’d be married. At 27, having been with my now dh since the age of 21, I basically told him I’d had enough and was ready to walk. He didn’t want to lose me. We were married 6 months later and recently celebrated 25 years. My cousin (unbeknownst to me) also did the same with her dh. She’s older than me and has been married for over 35 years. We didn’t force them btw. It was a simple take it or leave it boundary.

Some men will earnestly seek marriage, others feel committed even though the legal commitment isn’t there (like my dh) and those, like your partner, seem to do as they please. Often the latter stay with a woman throughout her fertile years then split and go on to quickly marry a younger woman to have children with her.

This is why, 1) I'd only date someone older and 2) I wouldnt continue during the dating stage if I realised they didnt want kids now or anytime soon.

You aren't. You are well into your 30's. His age is irrelevant at this point.

I know far too many women who sacrificed everything for a man, only to be left with nothing when their partner dumped them and went on to marry and have kids with another woman.

You are not "the one."

i find your question ‘Am I being selfish’ to be a really strange one. Wanting a child is natural and biologically driven. Acknowledging that he doesn’t want a child and talking steps to leave him isn’t being selfish, it is simply being true to yourself. Otherwise you are saying you should make yourself unhappy for his benefit, which makes you a complete mug. And no - if he promises he’ll be ready in a year, he is lying. If he isn’t really now, he never will be. Not with you, anyway.

To be fair he doesn’t need to change. You both want different things. You should leave yes
Fundamentally people don’t dramatically change,and in fairness he isn’t lying to you. There is no you stringing along,no we will marry when time is right etc
Let him get on with his preferences and footy and you get on with looking for a partner to be a parent with

You posted this last week a few times as well didn’t you? Everyone thinks the same every time you post it OP. I no it’s hard, but leaving is the right thing for you right now.

No I was with someone for 8 years, turned round said he lied about wanting marriage & children as he knew I would leave if he was truthful. Now 57 never married never had children. I wasn’t going to have children without his consent, not fair on the children. He went off with someone with the same name even though I wanted to split. He was vile in the end. How can these men hide their true selves so fully. Not sure I ever got over it. Never fully trust again. My advice to you run make a life for yourself your needs & wants are just as important as his. Couple months of paying double rent is nothing into what you can loose….time.

So don't.

You can end a relationship at any time and for any reason you want. You don't owe anyone a justification. He's keeping you in limbo and it's not as if you haven't set out your position in clear terms.

Women worry far too much about being perceived as 'selfish'. Sometimes that is no bad thing.

Actually OP, I hate to say it, but if you re read your post it sounds like in your heart of hearts you know what you need to do….
My advice would be to maybe give him one last chance to commit to some timelines, but if you don’t get anywhere you need to be prepared to walk - very strongly with your head held high!!!
Or - if you’re really worried fertility wise you just cut your losses now and go!
Good luck 🤞

You are in denial. I'm really sorry but that's the truth. He doesn't want to marry and have kids with you, we can l see that clearly. You don't want to accept it yet... no criticisim though (I think most of us have been there at some point as the other comments all show!) In time, you will come to see it. A man who has never told you he wants a future with you off his own back without you having brought up the conversation about it is not going to wake up the day after his 30th birthday and think "you know what, I want to marry her and get her pregnant!" Men who want to marry you/have kids one day but aren't ready yet still talk about these things hypothetically and also offer timeframes (for example once we have bought a house first, once I've finished my masters etc). The fact he hasn't done that at all speaks volumes.

I know you think the relationship is otherwise great, but you obviously are someone who has trouble sticking up for herself and her needs. Women who are very loving and just happy to love and be loved often think their relationships are "really great...apart from this one (major) thing".

The longer you leave this the longer you are kicking the can down the road and wasting your fertile years.