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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need to leave, don't I.

77 replies

Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 21:39

I'm in my early/mid 30s and I'm a couple of years older. We've been together a few years, we rent together, but there's zero sign of marriage and children. I discussed it with him a year ago, the answer was not ready yet. I respected that and left it another 6 months. 6 months later, the answer was the same.
In my head I've given it another 6 months which will take us to early next year. This also coincidences with our tenancy ending.
Now in the 4th month and I feel like I'm in limbo.
I know my partner loves me but my fertility won't last forever.
Sadly I know he's not ready to be a husband and father, I know it deep down. He's very into going out, which there's nothing wrong with, but I can just tell. Goes out watching football a lot.
He's never, ever mentioned marriage or children without being prompted. I mean, never said anything like 'I'd love to marry you one day." He said he'd like children eventually but it's all very vague.
I've met somebody else at work who I like, he's slightly older and very sweet. I'm keeping a firm distance from this other man because it's likely clouding my judgement. I am not that person and never have been, I only speak to him if I absolutely have to, however this is making me feel really guilty even though I know these things are natural.
I can't pretend for 2 more months. I'm scared if he says no again. I love him and don't want to walk away, it's hard after so many years. I'll have to pay 2 rents at once if I leave earlier, can't break our tenancy earlier. It's not ideal but I could probably just afford it for a couple of months.
I feel like I'm living a lie. Is he magically going to change in the next couple of months and give me a concrete answer?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 21:54

He did once say 'Id like us to be married ' but it was during one of these discussions, it wasn't something he said of his own accord. Part of me still feels that I'm being really impatient.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 21:56

I appreciate your advice a lot. Thank you.

OP posts:
Autiebibliophile · 02/11/2023 21:56

I'd start making plans to leave. He's not ready, it could be a year, 5 year, 10 year, it could be that the relationship isn't right enough for him to want kids. Don't waste your time.

Cumbrianlife · 02/11/2023 21:58

At 35ish and a few years in, his lack of a proposal is all you need to know. I'm not someone who thinks it has to be the man's choice as to if and when, but he has told you his feelings on the matter. Why don't you believe him?

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/11/2023 21:58

Impatient? Don’t be ridiculous OP. You would rather criticise yourself like that on one level because that means you get to stay with him - and waste your fertility. Because leaving feels hard and is a change to the status quo.

But you must leave and give your life a chance - give yourself a chance to go for what you truly want. Don’t waste any more time! I understand wanting to wait for end of tenancy but if it takes you a little while to find a new place to segue with the end of tenancy it might be best to give him a chance to look for somewhere new too, so perhaps tell him a few weeks before?

Codlingmoths · 02/11/2023 21:59

You are not being impatient, this is how you feel. There are no signs at all he will change. If you need to cut your losses now that’s fine. If you need to tell him now and hang in there on the rental until the lease is up that’s fine too.

saveforthat · 02/11/2023 22:00

I don't think you are being impatient. I think you are making excuses for him. Why don't you sit down and discuss it rather than bring it up every 6 months. Just make it clear you want to TTC and if he is not ready now and can't say when he will be ready then it's time to part ways, to give you time to meet somebody who is.

OfficerChurlish · 02/11/2023 22:01

I think you need to be LESS patient. Not to pressure him to marry and have children when he feels he is unready or if he doesn't want to at all, but to give you a much more concrete idea of what's going on in his head. If he is sure he wants children, feels strongly that he can see a future with the two of you married and eventually parents together, and he just has some things he feels he needs to do or achieve first (what, specifically?), that's completely different from if he's saying he thinks he wants kids someday and maybe it'll be with you but he doesn't want marriage or kids now or in the forseeable future and can't tell you anything about whether he will want these things (with you) or maybe not. From what you've written, it sounds more like the second case and that's not good enough.

If you're going to stay with him, I'd tell him what you've said here - not about the colleague, but about how you absolutely know you want marriage and children soon and while you love him and could see the two of you together in that way, you don't know what he wants, you have worries about fertility and other issues, and just want to get on with life and so you are considering making other plans. There's absolutely no reason you should be guessing what's in his head; if he cares about you he'll tell you as much as he possibly can.

18Piccolinos · 02/11/2023 22:02

Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 21:44

Does it seem like I'm being unfair? I don't feel like I've made a decision, I really want him to tell me he wants these things with me but I don't know when/if he will.

Actually he’s being unfair. He’s had his chance to make his decision.

in his next relationship he’ll know not to fuck about like this.

you have to leave, find somewhere else to live, give notice on you tenancy, break up with him.

VeridicalVagabond · 02/11/2023 22:02

If he actually wanted these things, he'd verbalise it, talk about it, even if he wasn't ready yet. You can know what you want for your future and be excited about it while also acknowledging you're not quite ready for it just yet (although if he's mid 30's and still not ready I'm not sure what he's waiting for at this point)

My husband and I didn't marry for 9 years, different situation to you as we were very young when we got together and wanted to wait until we were genuinely both emotionally ready to be married. But he'd still tell me and show me he wanted these things with me. Not in some vague "oh some day" way, or only when asked, but in an active and genuinely excited way.

I think men in particular are very straightforward when they actually want something. When they're saying something just to keep a partner happy, this sort of wishy washy nonsense is what you get instead.

Doggymummar · 02/11/2023 22:02

Time to leave.

Blondebakingmumma · 02/11/2023 22:06

Have a serious discussion with him. Tell him he has two months to decide if you have a future together (kids/marriage). When the end of the lease comes up, you either stay together making a timeline for trying to conceive or you go your separate ways.

He will know if he wants you as the mother of his kids or not by now. Don’t waste your time

Original poster
Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 22:07

You've all helped me to feel stronger and with a clearer head. Thanks again.

OP posts:
beetr00 · 02/11/2023 22:07

@Iknowyoullgetmethrough

There's a saying,

"Never put the key to your happiness in some one else's pocket"

You are not unfair, courage is required, not fear.

Condo · 02/11/2023 22:09

Yes you do and congratulations on taking your own future into your hands instead of wasting it on someone who doesn’t have your interests at heart.

Lochness1975 · 02/11/2023 22:09

You’ve given him you option and he’s given you his. They don’t align.

I think deep down you know it’s the right thing to end the relationship, but you are scared of being alone and not finding someone at all

bonzaitree · 02/11/2023 22:11

Youve already decided. You know what to do you’re just scared and doubting yourself because it’s a big decision.

lots of men will fall over themselves to have a family with you. Just think of that.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/11/2023 22:11

Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 21:45

Do you think I need to be a bit more patient?

Absolutely not. He should have made it absolutely clear to you that he wasn't interested in the same things as you. You have waited and given him plenty of time. He doesn't want a different kind of life and you do so time to move on.

Original poster
Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 22:11

It's not so much that I'm scared to be alone. Well, I am a bit scared to never have a child... But it's just because the rest of the relationship is great and of course that's so hard to leave.

OP posts:
Tiddlywinkly · 02/11/2023 22:12

At 34 or so, based on your post - no, don't wait.

If you stuck around, it may be too late once he's finally ready and you'd resent him and the relationship probably wouldn't survive anyway. Alternatively, he might suddenly leaving you in your late 30s/early 40s and very quickly settle down and having babies with a younger woman. Sorry to be a downer, I've come across it multiple times.

Original poster
Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 22:13

I can imagine it :(
If he says to me that he definitely wants xyz next year, then that's more than good enough for me.

OP posts:
StrangeVeg · 02/11/2023 22:14

Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 21:48

I just really feel like I'm being impatient and selfish.

You really aren't. I remember feeling in a similar way to you once, years ago. A friend gave me quite a stern talking to along the lines of "you need to do what's best for you Veg." Mine was work related but I still felt guilty. I am so glad she gave me that permission. We are all giving you permission here to leave.

I hope something happens with the guy at work. Get going.

Slav80 · 02/11/2023 22:15

kokotheguerilla · 02/11/2023 21:48

He won’t change. And from what I’ve seen on here, a disinterested man before kids will be a terrible disinterested father. You’ll end up tied to him forever because of the kids even if you divorce him. Assuming you ever have kids, and he doesn’t just keep stalling until it’s too late for you. I’d go now, if kids are your priority.

This.

StrangeVeg · 02/11/2023 22:16

Alternatively, he might suddenly leaving you in your late 30s/early 40s and very quickly settle down and having babies with a younger woman. Sorry to be a downer, I've come across it multiple times. By @Tiddlywinkly

Yup. I agree with this. I've seen it many times too. It is very hard to cope with OP. Don't let it be you.

Mulhollandmagoo · 02/11/2023 22:19

Iknowyoullgetmethrough · 02/11/2023 22:13

I can imagine it :(
If he says to me that he definitely wants xyz next year, then that's more than good enough for me.

The problem being he will likely say this to keep you and then in a year's time out you off again. I think your current partner is a non starter, and you're staying with him so you don't feel any guilt about meeting someone else.

Honestly OP, put yourself first, your partner has told you he isn't ready for marriage and kids and you are, it's daft to stay together.