AIBU to be a bit peeved that dh doesn’t take any food likes and dislikes in to account when cooking for the family?

[Borageandchips]

Dh is generally a good husband and father. Works hard, reliable, supportive etc.

We both work ft and have two teen dds.

His main household task is food shopping, planning, cooking and serving during the week Mon - Thurs. He also does his own laundry and walks the dog, does the garden, and anything car-related. And bills.

I do all cleaning, organising and decluttering, and do rest of laundry and everything else in the house. Plus all communication with schools, extra curricular stuff, birthdays, holidays and other celebrations, my part of garden, all DIY such as painting and decorating.

But I also cook sometimes during weekends. Or share the cooking if dh wants to do a roast on Sunday. Now the dc are older, I always help him clear up after meals.

Anyway, AIBU to get a bit frustrated when he generally cooks all the things he likes, eg very heavy on red meat and carbs, and doesn’t take in to account the food preferences of me and our daughters who like lots of veg and lighter healthier meals?

For the past three days he has cooked:

L ready prepared sausage rolls
D quite oily pesto pasta with mushrooms and bacon

L pate on toast
D toad in the hole (no veg so I zapped some frozen peas in microwave)

L sausage sandwich
D steak and air fryer chips

He cooks lunch for us both bc we often work from home nowadays.

For full disclosure he did make a leek and potato soup a week or so ago.

I tried to tell him as tactfully as I could tonight that we would appreciate more vegetables for dinner and some chicken and fish sometimes. But he got really upset and said I was ungrateful.

So what do you think?

IABU= = I’m ungrateful and if someone food shops and cooks for me I should not complain and if I want something else I should cook it myself.

IANBU = It’s normal nowadays to want to eat a more balanced diet with lots of vegetables and to ask the cook of the house to accommodate that

Genuinely interested to know what everyone thinks as I feel guilty now for bringing the subject up but I want to try and lose some weight before Christmas and we can’t afford to eat separate meals every night. Nor do I have the time to prepare them.

@Borageandchips

why don’t you just make your own lunch op?

Is he stuck in a rut with a limited repertoire? How about introducing meat free Mondays to get him to step away from the perceived convenience of meat as a meal?

If the kids are teens they are old enough to cook one night. Especially if dd is health conscious and wants to cook something healthy.

my 12 and 14 year old ds’s both like to cook and will help out cooking something midweek when I’m busy. Ds12 made a delicious stir fry a couple weeks ago, went to the shops himself and chose all the veggies and chopped them up. This week he cooked a homemade lamb mince and veg pie which was delicious.

If a woman came on here to say her dh wasn't happy with the 8 meals a week she was responsible for (vs his 4) there would he a responding chorus of "tell the cheeky fucker to make his own then"

This place is hilarious sometimes.

Yup, as PP have said, reorganise chores so you have a rota for cooking in which your DD get a night each to cook as well as you. That way if you and your DD are generally cooking lighter healthier meals they will tend to outweigh the heavier, red meat based stuff your DH serves.

That's not cooking, that's mostly ready meal shite which is not acceptable in 2023. Surely he should know better. It makes me think even thinking about having that day in, day out. All of that is treat, comfort food, not nutritious and healthy enough for an every day family meal.

By that metric, OP can repaint the entire house dark purple as she’s the decorator so therefore DH gets no say.

OP, I suggest F&B Brinjal: on the ceilings too.

YANBU. Lazy meals are fine here and there, but it sounds like he's doing them almost every time, and this doesn't sound like a healthy or balanced diet. Maybe figure out some interim compromises like doing a big pan of soup that can last for a few lunches, and quick veg that can be done to go with dinner.

So if you don't like what he makes for lunch when you're wfh just make something else. God we just grab our own sandwich or fruit/crisps when we're free between meetings and eat at our desks. I can't imagine having a proper lunch break when someone cooks when we're wfh.

I get the dinner stuff is annoying (there really is no veg there!) but you're going to have to share the cooking and then share some of your other chores with him. We only eat together at the weekend really, we cook for kids alternately depending who is in London and who is at home and then look after ourselves for our dinner in the week, I had homemade soup with the kids today but my partner wouldn't touch my homemade soup so he bought himself a sandwich from work and had that. I do find the mumsnet fixation with formal meals a bit odd, it's only food and if you don't like it just have a bit of toast, you're not going to starve for missing one meal.

Either help or let him get on with it. You both work from home, no reason if you don’t like his lunch you couldn’t prep your old salad and boiled eggs or something.

Teenage children, so again able to help chop up a few carrots or broccoli to go along with foods or even take over two nights a week.

Frankly I find the planning and cooking a tiring bore. Trying not to have too many of the same too close, but something I actually like since I’m the one making it so there should be a plus side vs making it as healthy as it should be, add in a few picky ish children and I end up with meals on rotation a lot.

Maybe buy those freezer bags of frozen veg to just Chuck in and add to a meal.

Aside from how you feel about the menu, his children need a balanced diet and he’s failing to provide that for them. He is being selfish in deliberately ignoring the needs of others and not contributing equally to the chores.

Can't imagine meal planning without input form all family members who are expected to eat the meals..

@SecondUsername4me i would agree if he was serving reasonably healthy food. but that is 3 days/6 meals with 1 vegetable.

Buying shopping and deciding dinners was always mutually agreed with the children taken into account. Dinner plans sketched out prior to doing food shops, and portion sizes respected when serving up. It's possible to do some meals where there's some variation based on preferences on each plate

Why would you not be aware of everyone's likes and dislikes, and work out sensible compromises? It's either that or more cooking and less time doing fun things. Ultimately it benefits the whole group

I do all meal planning and cooking for family. But I air into account tastes and have a strong grasp of nutrition. So we have our meat free day, two days of fish, red meat less often and lots of veggies.

😂😂😂
nobody said he deserves an award.
OP, sit down with him and the kids, draw up a list of all your fave meals then do a weekly meal plan where each of you chooses a meal for everyone.
As has already been said, half the effort of cooking is trying to come up with ideas and doing the shopping. Meal planning takes all the stress out of that part.

YANBU to not want that food all the time but I think you need to split the chores differently. I'd be more on your side if it was food you actively disliked but it doesn't sound like it is.

Making your own lunches would be a start. DH and I wfh and often have lunch together, but we eat different things.
Your DDs are teenagers so could (and imo should) be choosing and cooking one meal a week each. Doesn't have to be anything complicated. If they've never cooked before you and your DH can start very basic in terms of teaching them.

You should cook a bit more. And tell him what you'd like to change.

No it really isnt. The least the person who is doing the cooking can do is consider what family members like or don't like.

That doesnt mean make multiple meals each mealtime but at least mix it up a bit over the days so everyones preference is taken into account at some point.

Its only fair.

Meal plan together and write the shopping list from it.

My god, that's... Not as healthy as it could be. On the bright side, I bet expenditure on bog roll is minimal if everyone is pooping just once a week!!
"Meat and two veg" is a well known saying for a reason.

It's not like it's hard to microwave two different frozen vegetables or open a bag of premade salad, either .

How to approach it diplomatically though... I dunno, tell him you know he's the sort of wonderful man who would do anything to make his family happy and healthy...? Lay it on thick?

Tbh, that's not what I would call cooking. Sausage rolls, pesto pasta, that's heating stuff up, he could at least do a salad with it - even salad out of a bag and cherry tomatoes ( so no extra actual cooking) would improve things.
Also, it sounds like you are doing way more of the actual chores. So I would reorganise how it's all divided up AND I would not be hinting, I would be saying very clearly that you all need balanced meals and that includes less red meat and more veg. Does he actually how how to cook proper meals, or know what exactly you would like? Is that he doesn't really know what else to cook?
I think you should all be involved in the meal planning, and that the DC should be helping with the cooking and clearing up. You could start making a list of what you do want to eat, and maybe sending links to recipes. But you really need a proper conversation, and find out what his limits are ( eg doesn't want to spend more than 15 minutes prepping food, doesn't know many veggie recipes) and what your food requirements are ( eg veggie dishes twice a week/2 veg with every meal). Hinting is a waste of time, say what you mean directly.

I'm surprised it's not instinctive. I can't imagine doing a family shop without talking first, and not having a good idea of what each other liked. None of the random unplanned shops in the 14 years with my ex, by either of us, ever went down badly 🤷‍♂️ Only that one time I accidentally put a tin of tomatos in the shepherds pie, she's never forgotten that 🤣

Wow thanks for all of the responses. Just going through them now!

I would happily swap some cooking duties with some cleaning tasks but dh loves cooking and although it’s not what I would choose to eat he is enthusiastic about it, and he hates cleaning and does it really badly.

That’s a good idea about the girls cooking one night a week. I don’t see why they wouldn’t be able to do that.

I take everyone’s point about lunch and yes I could easily make myself a salad but he does the supermarket shop and it doesn’t occur to him to buy salad or enough veg except to accompany a roast. It’s like his repertoire evolved then stopped evolving in the 1940s. And I refuse to start micro-managing his tasks and do the on-line shop as well as I find doing all the cleaning quite time-consuming. Plus he is always hungry earlier than me.

Having said all of the above, I do appreciate that cooking 5 nights out of 7 is a big responsibility. And I really appreciate that he took the job on in the first place. We generally eat out on a Friday or get a takeaway.

Again, I appreciate everyone’s views. I’m a bit stuck because most people are suggesting I take on more of the responsibility for the cooking but I feel that’s unfair because I clean five days out of seven and do it to a high standard. Dh hardly knows where I keep the hoover. And cooking for a family is very different - or should be - than cooking for yourself. I could let the cleaning slip a bit though I suppose.