About Drunk DH?

[chinchi]

Lastnight DH fancied a drink at home and started on the cider. I went to be at 10 after a long day (we have a 6 month old DS)

Normally DH does the night feed, but DS woke up at 2am, and as DH hadnt heard him (he was on the net and had the TV on) I decided I would feed DS as I wasnt very comfortable with a drunk DH doing it.

We had decided before DS was born that if one of us had had a drink, we wouldnt hold DS, but leave it to the other who wasnt drinking. Im not a big drinker anyway so I was happy with the arrangement.

DH heard me preparing milk and said he would feed DS and for me to go back to bed. I said no, Id rather feed him, and then he had a huge hissy fit saying I was trying to take DS from him and that it was his son too (drunken talk)

To avoid an argument and save upsetting DS, I let DH feed him. I slept in the spare room and got up with DS as usual this morning. DH nursed his hangover til 1pm, had a shower ands has gone out without saying a word.

I dont feel wrong in what I did, I was trying to protect DS, and Im certainly not saying DH a bad father- quite the opposite in fact. He said I begrudged him having a drink, and he's the one who works hard whilst I spend his money (hmm, coming from the man who said whatever we have is OURS). Him drinking wasnt a problem- he was already drikning when I went to bed. He drinks once in a blue moon and always regrets it the next day.

Part of me wishes Id kept my mouth shut. AIBU?

YANBU.

Your DH was drunk and changed a sensible agreement you have to ensure that your DS is cared for properly.

Complete crap on his part about the one working hard, what does he think you are doing ? Ok so he doesn't do it often but thats not the point, you are his wife and the mother of his child and deserve respect. If you let him get away with being an arse, then he will keep on doing it. Hopefully he has learnt his lesson .

Not at all, as much as your DH loves your ds he is more likely to drop him or something if he is drunk. And could he live with himself if that had happened, and could you knowing you had let him? Remind him of the reasons that you two, together, made the rules in the first place.
What is the point in making the rules about drinking and handling the baby if when he is drunk (however infrequently it may happen) he is just going to have a drunken tantrum and over rule them. The rules protect your ds and he is the most important thing here, not wounded pride.

I would remind him of the conversation you had before you had your child. I would also remind him that behaviour is more erratic while drunk so you didn't want to pick a fight with him last night.

I would then say you have no problem with him drinking and that you think he's a great father.

I would further say that when either of you drink the other can't hold him.

And then I would let it go.

Yanbu

I really also hate the "I work hard for my money thing.
My exH made about 6 times the amount that I used to, he was in computers, I was a nanny, but tbh I think I worked a damn sight harder than him. Yet at the end it all came up about how I should not get as much as him from the divorce as he earned so much more.

Utter twaddle imo and shame on him for throwing that at you, WHY do they always do that

Once he is feeling better and when DC in bed tonight, it might be worth talking through again. Explain you don't have a problem with him having a drink (if you don't) but just reiterate some ground rules - i.e. drunk adn baby don't go well together.

If you can keep it as light as possible, all the better.

Regarding the comments about you spending his money - not right!, remind him that there are people who 'earn a living' looking after children, so at the very least you are earning that amount by saving it. Not to mention the benefits of one of your being with your child - I assume this was something you discussed previously.

I'd wait until you've both calmed down and then remind him of your deal about the other taking the care when the other drinks.

You can put it to him in a nice way - that you were doing him a favour so that he can relax and have a drink and sticking to your original agreement.

I Don't think you were being unreasonable. I wouldn't be happy anyone feeding my DS drunk.

It's fine if you want to drink as long as you know your limits which is why i'm sure you had your agreement in first place.

YANBU.

It's interesting that he said you begrudged him having a drink. From your description of what happened, it was the very opposite - you were just going to get on with the night feed and leave him to it - sounds like you were doing him a favour...

His guilt talking IMO. Especially if he always regrets his drinking the next day. I think that's what this is really about.

Thanks so much for the great replies.

I know myself Ive handled this one well- I would have normally approached him this morning which in turn with his hangover would have led to another argument.

I didnt say anything, and dont plan to contact him until he's had time to realise he has done wrong.

Youre right doggiesayswoof. I would have much preferred to have let him carry on, with peace of mind knowing DS was fed and asleep, without even disturbing DH.

It just annoys me that he has gone and broken an agreement which was his in the first place!

Interesting that it was his idea in the first place. I'd say that he def feels guilty about it, I think I would not make him feel worse, you probably couldn't anyway, but make it clear that it wont happen again as next time you wont back down. Can I ask why you did back down????

I didnt want DS to get upset with raised voices, and arguing is bad at the best of times without someone who cant see my point because he's had a drink.

Part of me feels I was wrong to back down, because if DS had have been hurt I wouldnt have been able to forgive myself, but I just didnt want the situation to escalate.

He would have normally had something smart to say this morning- the fact that he kept quiet tells me something.

Im not going to drag it out- but I want him to realise that this 'rule' wasnt something I pulled out of thin air to be petty, but something that he suggested, and we both agreed it was a sensible idea.

You're handling it brilliantly. It would only get his back up if you'd been smart, and now you can discuss it sensibly when he gets home and has had the whole day to feel bad about it.

It is definately pointless to argue with a drunk person.

DH turned up at 6am this morning stinking of booze. Id heard nothing from him all day yesterday and so have no idea where he was lastnight, although Im presuming he was at a friend's house as just checked his last calls list on his phone.

He didnt say a word to me, just slammed a few doors. He was then sick down the toilet and has gone to bed.

Im in pieces. I dont deserve this. I dont have any family I can turn to here as both my parents have passed away and Im an only child.

My in-laws are fantastic, but live abroad as DH is foreign. Id give anything to just go there but DS doesnt have a passport and there isnt an emergency reason for them to issue one in a day.

I dont know what to do.

..

Oh dear - YANBU. His behaviour is irresponsible and really unacceptable. I don't have any suggestions - I'd be at a loss too - but I'm sure someone will be along soon to advise. Very sad for you and your DS.

Is this something he has done often? Did you try getting in contact with him last night?

I would clatter around making as much noise as possible then take DS out for a few hours to let him get over it. There is no point in trying to have a reasonable conversation with him until his hangover subsides.

Are you ok? He sounds like he is being a bit of a twunt but why do you feel in pieces? Is there more to this?

organise a passport for your ds as a matter of urgency. I do think that going to your dhs parents is a bit of a knee jerk reaction, but understandable given the circumstances.

what is the pattern here? does he normally binge drink and then you have sober periods in between. is he ever violent towards you when he's been drinking? are you at risk or 'just' having to live with his drinking and his behavior when he's drunk?

tbh you can't stop him drinking. he has to want to stop. my ex is an alcoholic and i absolutely hate drunks now, i really do.

Drinking isnt something he does very often at all- the last time was around 6 weeks ago and he was fine.
I have just been having thoughts lately about how unhappy I am. He is a very angry person, but admitted last week he needed help to sort it out and has a GP appointment next week.
I feel like Im walking on egg shells around him- picking what I say for fear of starting an argument.
I didnt contact him yesterday- just presumed he'd be home late, but next thing I knew it was 6am and I heard the front door.
I just feel that I want to have a break, and the in-laws will be great helping with DS.
I just dont deserve this. I have to keep myself together for DS whilst he acts as he pleases.

It's a good sign that he realises his anger is a problem, and is getting help. If he's doing that (which is probably a big step for him?) can you try to be patient?

I can see that this is really hard for you, it's a crappy situation. For everyone.

Im worried that he'll change his mind at the last minute. The first time he admitted he had a problem was Jan 2006 and never did anything about it.
Im emotionally drained and Im so tired.
I felt relaxed yesterday when he wasnt at home, and now I just feel on edge again.

Did he sort an appointment then?

Your situation is emotionally draining and tiring.

Focus on caring for yourself and your DS and just leave your DH be as much as possible, and hopefully he'll sort himself out?

He said back then that he needed help, but never made an appointment.
I had a very unhappy childhood with a Dad who drank and Mum who tried to keep things together. I dont want the same for my DS, and already I feel its heading that way. Im only 23, DH is 27. Im too young to spend the rest of my life intimidated by a man, yet Ive no idea how Ill cope on my own.

He may be finding parenthood a little overwhelming and if he already has problems with anger it will only be magnified by the stress of the new baby.

I don't think it is unusual after this amount of time, with your ds being 6 mths ish for him to suddenly be acting this way, BUT that is no excuse, and it must be nipped in the bud. There may be sense in giving him leeway, but you also need to make it perfectly clear that it is unacceptable right from the start, or he will not feel the urgency of sorting it.

He needs to know that it needs sorting NOW, not after it has dragged out for however many more yrs.

Well, it sounds like he's making progress in the right direction at least. Making an appointment is a big step. If he doesn't keep it ... well, worry about that if it happens.

Thanks TenaciousG- might give her a call.

DH woke up yesterday around 3pm, came downstairs to get asprin then went back to bed until 6pm. I pottered around the house, had a shower etc, he went out and got himself some food, and I was in bed by 10pm.

He came in around 10.30 and said that his Mum wanted to talk to me on the Internet (I explained all that had happened to her yesterday and she was so supportive and said she would sort him out LOL). She was playing daft though, pretending I hadnt mentioned it to her (to not arouse DH's suspiscions) and after 5 minutes chatting to her, I went back to bed.

So again there was no exchange of words yesterday. I didnt want to start, more because I had no idea how to. He is certainly showing no signs of wanting to talk.

I feel much better than I did yesterday- dont know why really as nothing as been sorted, but Im just thankful theres peace rather than arguments.

I thought about writing my thoughts down and giving it to DH. He leaves for work at 4pm, so it would give me chance to concentrate this evening whilst DS in bed.

Can anybody suggest what I should do? I know we can be happy, but I just feel so hurt over the past few days. We always make up straight away after an argument. This is only the second time in 4 years its gone on for days.