To not want to have sex with my partner

[Upsetandfedup35]

I'm in a bit of a dry spell with my partner at the moment. And im feeling really sad that he isn't getting any action at all. Im 35 and he is 48. We have been together 11 years and have young children together. I have been having gynae issues this last year including cervical ectropion, ovarian cysts and pain and bleeding amongstother things. I just don't want to do the deed because it triggers a bleed and then I have to deal with the pads and blood etc for days afterwards. Also I think my hormones have dropped off and I'm just never in The mood. I feel so bad for him but I just really don't want to be touched down there incase of pain and bleeding. We do other things once in a blue moon and always lots of kisses and cuddles, affection. But I'm trying to explain to him that it's uncomfortable for me and I'm tired from being a toddler mum etc. AIBU for thinking of telling him i would like a sexless relationship until I can feel better and get the treatment I need for my health. Are any of you mumsnetters in a similar situation? How did you broach ot with your partners? I just really don't want him to think I don't feel attracted to him because I am. He's gorgeous and an amazing partner and father. I just don't want to have that intimate side of a relationship with him right now.

You bleed for days after sex and he needs telling that isn't happening?!

Could you say that you don’t want vaginal sex, but offer other things, or do you not want to be intimate at all ?

Of course it's OK to not want to have sex, especially if you are having bleeding and physical reactions (but even if you weren't and just didn't feel like it, that would be fine).

We all go through ebbs and flows in sexual desire, it's normal.

How does he respond to it when you tell him you don't feel like it? The fact that you're posting here makes me wonder if he's not always OK with it? Or is it just that you feel bad?

I feel awful for saying it but I don't want to be touched down there at all. I don't mind doing things to him but it just feels one sided and he doesn't really enjoy that. And I just want to get it over and done so I can go to sleep. I'm so tired. I forgot to add I have been checked for peri menopause and my levels were all in normal range

Sounds miserable for you. I'm not surprised sex is the furthest thing from your mind.

Surely if he's as great as you describe he'll understand that sex isn't something you're capable of until your gynae issues have been fully treated.

I do feel bad because he's so loving and supportive in every other way. It just feels like when he gets in the mood and put his moves on me I get the fear and just dread it. And he feels rejected. I had ivf treatments and a traumatic pregnancy and birth with our last baby. And then all these gynea issues. I just want to be left alone till I fell better but I get to feeling extremely guilty about it.

I think all you can do it be completely honest with him and say what you’ve said here. And then he can make a decision about whether that’s a situation he’s ok with or not. The danger is he may decide to leave but he sounds like a good guy, and you’re not saying no to sex ever again, just until you get better, so you’d hope he would stick around. I don’t see what other option you have as forcing yourself to have sex when you’re not into it is massively unfair on yourself. Whether he stays or goes, the outcome will be that the pressure of having sex has gone, which is what you need.

The thing is, when women post on here saying their husbands don't have sex with them, even if it is a health thing, they are told they would be reasonable to leave.

I don't think your partner has signed up for a sexless relationship, although I feel desperately sorry for you with your gynae issues, it must be absolutely horrible. And it is totally understandable that sex would be the last thing on your mind.

I suppose what I am saying is - it can't be like this forever, for either of you.

What help are you getting with your health problems? I hope the NHS is treating you well and that you're not stuck on a long waiting list.

So far, you've just said that you feel guilty about not wanting sex and that he feels rejected, but it's not really clear from your posts whether you've really talked to him properly about this other than some vague hints about 'gynae issues' and having a toddler. Have you actually sat down and explained really clearly how physically uncomfortable it is, and how you bleed for days each time and that's quite debilitating as well as being a nuisance? You say that there's plenty of affection and that you have a good relationship, so I think you need to put your guilty feelings aside and have a proper talk with him.

He is obviously attracted to you and has a sex drive, so of course, he will inevitably feel sad at the prospect of what could potentially be a long time without sex. I don't think you could expect anyone (male or female) who had a reasonable sex drive and a loving relationship to be delighted at a sexless relationship.

But you can explain to him that you do still fancy and you do still love him (I assume you do?!) and that this isn't about you rejecting him, but is purely about your physical/hormonal problems that are making sex really uncomfortable and a bit scary right now. If I were in his shoes, I would feel a lot better about being turned down if I was fully aware of exactly why it was happening.

I do think, though, that you absolutely should not fall into the trap of thinking it can be like this forever, or doing nothing to remedy it. Hopefully, your physical health issues can be addressed, but you might find that even then, there are psychological barriers for you, and that you might need to do some work (whether it's therapy or counselling or whatever) on re-establishing a sexual relationship. And that's for your sake as much as his - you deserve to have a sex life too.

Is there an end in sight for the issues you’re having OP, like are you waiting for a treatment option or currently undergoing treatment that will resolve these issues? I ask because I do think that changes things, if it’s a case of this is temporary for a short but set amount of time then I think that’s fair enough, but I think if it’s a no-end-in-sight situation then that does mean changing your relationship entirely and is a question of if he is also happy with that. As a previous poster has said, it’s up to both of you to agree.

I had quite similar issues a couple of years ago and used to bleed after sex and the same as you I couldn’t think of anything worse than even trying because I would be wearing period pads for at least a day afterwards! I was waiting to be seen by gynae and in the mean time although we didn’t really have sex we were still intimate in other ways, and there’s loads of things he can do that don’t require him inserting anything at all so that it’s not one-sided but doesn’t trigger any bleeding etc!

Maybe have a think about whether it is just sex you want to take off the cards, as I said we were in a similar situation and managed to maintain intimacy without doing that actual act so it definitely is possible around gynae issues, if the real reason is that you’re exhausted after parenting all day then be honest about that. I think have a proper chat with him about it, all you can do is tell him how you feel and then he can decide how he feels about that.

I'm having the same issue as op, and even bleed without piv :(

I thought I was the only one who was having these issues, and felt this way @Upsetandfedup35 I don't, as far as I know, have the cysts, but I did have some pain in my right ovary area which has now gone, and it did put me off wanting to have any intimacy as it really hurt. But the bleeding, which has woken me in the night, and having to deal with cleaning up.

My dh has found it very difficult as he thinks there is something wrong, that I don't love him, but he knows that I do but it makes him feel this way. I have been having issues for many years so he has put up with how things are for a very long time. In my case I am waiting for a hysterectomy which hopefully will stop the bleeding and I can relax and just enjoy it again. But, I still have another 6 months to wait for that after already waiting 18 months.

You need to have a proper chat with your dh, and explain exactly how you feel, why you don't want to have sex or do anything.

This, in spades.
When it’s a man not wanting to be intimate with a woman, the thread is full of LTB.
Some balance is certainly needed on here

sometimes it feels like Mumsnet is turning into Mensnet

It can’t be like this forever I agree. There is nothing wrong with him wanting a sex life. It depends whether you think there is any more help you can get for your gynae issues that could rectify the problem longer term? Or is this it forever? I think you need to speak to him and be honest.
Exhaustion with babies is normal, that does get better over time.

I feel for you as I also have had to deal with an ectropian cervix and I get ovarian cysts too so I literally feel your pain.

Have you looked into treatment for these? There are actually treatments available when an ectropian cervix causes issues and it sounds like yours very much is! Have you talked to your GP about hormonal contraception? For me, my ovarian cysts would develop prior to ovulation and often burst at the time of, so my doctor suggested the mini pill to try and prevent ovulation from occurring. It has worked brilliantly. I do get them but far less often; 2-3 times a year rather than every month.

For the fear, I think it might be time to look into seeing a therapist or similar to help you overcome very legitimate feelings towards sex. If you can get couples therapy at the same time so your husband is in the loop then all the better.

It's so important to keep communication open, so if you haven't explained to hubby in detail the whys etc, now is the time. Try and reframe how you're thinking about it too, this is a phase, it's not forever. If you get too stuck thinking about how it's always going to be this way, you end up subconsciously doing so.

Seriously my lovely, get yourself down the GP and have a look at your options, it's not fair on either of you to live like this!

I could have written this post. I have massive cysts and have the exact same as you. No advice only know you are not alone and hugs

I had the same with my ex but I also think I didn't like him like that

Can I just say thank you for all the lovely response and women who are in the same boat. You are not alone. It's really hard
Yes I'm waiting for an MRI and some test on a lot of free fluid that is in my abdo cavity. Also waiting for another TV ultrasound to see how enlarged my ovaries are. There will be a solid to this. Either a hysterectomy or some sort of ovarian and cervical surgical process. I have had a serious talk with him but I will put it all out on the table and make it very clear on how I feel on this. And see how he feels. I do love him very much. I adore him and yes I do fancy his pants off. So I do feel we can and will get through this. Thanks everyone

Could you have a sex life without intercourse, it doesn’t all have to be about penetration!

This sounds horrible for you my love!

Like others have said, all you can do is explain the situation to your partner and see what he says. If this is a temporary thing you are seeking help for, hopefully he will be happy to support you through it and wait. If it's something you are considering living with long term, he may be willing to live like that but also may well not be.

Sex is important to me (I'm a woman). If my partner was unable to have sex with me for any reason I would hope he would speak to me about that and I could support him through the treatment he was seeking. If he had decided that from now on our relationship would be sexless, then sadly (because I love him) I would leave.

Just be really clear with yourself, and with him, on what it is you want. That's all you can do I think. Good luck!

I think while you are so poorly the man needs to get over himself. Once you feel better you can revisit whatever you feel comfortable with.

No decent man should be forcing you to have sex given what happens to you from it, while you are trying to get better.

Have you told him how you feel about the gynea problems and the fear it causes?

You have to tell him? Hasn't he worked it out for himself?

I adore my DH and our relationship is and always has been very physical.

However if he was ill and medical issues prevented him having or wanting sex i'd wait for him to be better. If it took a year, two years, so be it. I'd be in the loop on how he was and i'd help him feel his health was the most important thing.

OP you're not asking for him to give up sex for the rest of his life!

I don't understand why he is still pushing for PIV sex when you've already told him about your gynecological issues... what does he not understand about that?