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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws !

49 replies

Freckleface24 · 01/11/2023 20:01

9 months pregnant. Ready to have 1st baby any day now. Having a really hard time as hubby and I can't see eye to eye... his mum. I know she means well but she really really wants to be very involved. Right now I just want my own mum, I'm in a lot of pain with my back and my mum just knows what to do. Hubby seems to think that if my mum will be popping round everyday to help me out then his mum must be able to be here everyday too. He expects me to meet up with her for coffee and spend 1 to 1 time with her. I'll be honest I find her very very annoying and also just too much at times. Being so hormonal I've gotten to a point were I find it hard to even be around her. She's under the impression that when baby is born she'll be heavily involved but I really like my own space and I feel like a couple of times a week is enough for an hour here and there. My husband wont back me up or agree with me. This is stressing me out and giving me major anxiety , he'll be back at work and I'll be alone with baby. Am I wrong for naturally just wanting my own mum and seeing his mum sort of as and when. Obviously when he's around then I can't stop her from coming over but I mean when he's at work and I'm home alone. She's just too much for me and not really my cup of tea so I don't think it's fair that I'm expected to spend a-lot of time with her.
She has constantly ignored my boundaries in the past and so I have a guard up when it comes to her being too involved with my baby. I know that there has to be some kind of relationship but my husband thinks it's only fair that if my mum helps me with the baby everyday then she must be round here helping too. AIBU? Thanks xx

OP posts:
catsnore · 01/11/2023 20:42

Yanbu because it is up to you (not your husband) who you spend time with. Understandably you feel closer to your own mum.

However, bear in mind you may want your MIL's help with the baby (and later the toddler/child). You may appreciate the babysitting, the willingness to help out. If you exclude her she will probably feel hurt. Your feelings about her may change once baby has arrived, when you have the baby in common.

Maybe just offer a regular visit once a week or whatever suits you?

judgedreadful · 01/11/2023 20:45

Definitely put your foot down as soon as the baby comes. He can deal with his mother and sort out visiting when he is not working,

strawberry2017 · 01/11/2023 21:00

Not wrong to want your mum at all. The thing with our own mums is they prioritise us and our needs as they still see us as their babies.
Your mum will actually want to help and support you.
His mum doesn't see you that way so her priorities are not you.
Put your foot down. This is about you and your needs and wants not theirs.

Tinkerbyebye · 01/11/2023 21:11

YANBU. You want your mum, that’s who you have

DH can sort his mum out by arranging for her to come when he is around, you can then get some me time and he and his mother can look after the baby

LuvMyBoyz · 01/11/2023 21:13

I totally get that my DIL needs her own mum and that my relationship with her has to be on a different basis. However, we do get on, I respect her wishes and support where I can. GS is now 15 months old and is often in the care of my DS while DIL is at work and he naturally turns to me for support rather than his in-laws. You ANBU. You need your own mum more.

Ibravedaflood · 01/11/2023 21:16

I would be keeping shtum about seeing your dm. Visit her instead.. You really don't need to play dgm bloody bingo.

forrestgreen · 01/11/2023 21:43

You do t need to discuss it now. Just decide what your boundaries are for when a discussion comes up.

Eg my mum is coming round all day tomorrow.

Er no, you should have asked, I'm out all day. I'll be back at 3pm if she wants to pop round for an hour.

Or sorry, invite her round at dinner time and you can cook for us all.... (the. Go for a bath and leave him to it)

You are not a entertainment/ childminder for his mother.

thing47 · 01/11/2023 21:50

he'll be back at work and I'll be alone with baby

There you go then @Freckleface24. He won't be there during the day in the week so you get to choose how to spend your time, and who with.

RunningUpThatBuilding · 01/11/2023 21:54

He has absolutely no right to dictate who you spend your time with. I'd like to see his reaction if you tried to push your mum/dad into his schedule!

Simple solution is to keep your door locked and only answer when you know it is your mum or someone you are willing to allow access to!

If there is any pushback simply explain that your are recovering from birth and are willing to facilitate visits with MIL for X hours per week. No more!

If you don't take a firm line now you will 100% go on to regret it.

Lieblingsessen · 01/11/2023 21:59

Maybe if you asked your DH, if when he was laid up for a few months in bed whether he would want your mother to be around at your house everyday, seeing what she could do to help him and chat with him, as well as his own mother. I bet he wouldn't want that at all. So why should he expect that of you?

Unless your MIL has the skin of a rhino, I'm sure that your MIL knows that a daughter usually expects to get more help from her own mother, in the first few weeks and months after a baby's arrival. It's not being disrespectul or unkind to your MIL. Just so long as she gets regular access, to her new granndchild, but it doesn't have to be every single day.

Ibravedaflood · 01/11/2023 22:17

Invite mil every night for a week when dh goes back to work. He really won't be arsed having her there when he would rather be relaxing etc after work. He will maybe see your point of having her over too much when it affects his life. He can cater for her as you have dd to sort for bed..

2jacqi · 01/11/2023 22:31

just do what I used to do and pretend you have gone out! doors locked, keys out, lights out if necessary. in the bedroom with baby. if hubby comes home unexpectedly when she is knocking, just feign sleep! would he meet for coffee with your mum every couple of days? I think not! it is natural to be wanting your own mum! my daughter god rest her soul, had the same disagreement with her hubby. his mum wanted to be at the bloody birth! my daughter asked me in front of her hubby what I though! i told her the birth of a baby is a private time for the new parents to be, not for grannies!! what or who gave her the impression that she would be heavily involved with your baby??

mnahmnah · 01/11/2023 22:34

I would propose to your husband that he goes round to visit your mum by himself for a cup of tea, take her out to lunch just the two of them etc. I’m guessing he wouldn’t be thrilled. He might get your point!

coldcallerbaiter · 01/11/2023 23:01

Be honest and say when the baby is older, she can come over all day and be with the baby as you will want to go out to appointments, shops etc

if you are going back to work, maybe she can do some child care.

Give her lots of access later on but on your terms and in a way that benefits you.

As for one to one time with you, nope, your time is precious and you do not have to pretend in order to keep her happy.

Nanny0gg · 02/11/2023 00:01

How much time does he spend with your mum on his own?

He doesn't get to organise your time for you.

HeddaGarbled · 02/11/2023 00:09

I agree with PP that you don’t need to have the argument with your H, but I do think you should be considerate of your MIL’s feelings and not make it so blatantly obvious that she’s the bottom-rung granny.

Screamingabdabz · 02/11/2023 00:16

These are the kind of threads I want to point to when dumb people ask why there is so much gender disappointment around boys.

Little boys grow into men who marry women that resent their MILs and want to do anything they can to prevent them from having any bond with their grandchildren.

Poor MIL is just excited about a new grandchild. She’s probably not even aware she’s already a source of irritation and resentment and the charming DIL is already planning to make sure she is not ‘too involved’. How nasty and immature when you could just communicate your boundaries and have an inclusive, caring attitude.

paintingvenice · 02/11/2023 00:26

Screamingabdabz · 02/11/2023 00:16

These are the kind of threads I want to point to when dumb people ask why there is so much gender disappointment around boys.

Little boys grow into men who marry women that resent their MILs and want to do anything they can to prevent them from having any bond with their grandchildren.

Poor MIL is just excited about a new grandchild. She’s probably not even aware she’s already a source of irritation and resentment and the charming DIL is already planning to make sure she is not ‘too involved’. How nasty and immature when you could just communicate your boundaries and have an inclusive, caring attitude.

There’s a massive difference between someone who is coming round to help out, and someone who wants to be entertained and taken out for coffee.

this isn’t about who feels more involved or which grandparent gets more time. At the moment it should be about who makes things easier for a pregnant lady and who makes things harder. If MIL made a positive contribution to DIL then things might be different, but a new mum looking after a baby can’t be expected to look after guests too- and it sounds very much like MIL wants to be hosted and looked after

HeddaGarbled · 02/11/2023 01:03

it sounds very much like MIL wants to be hosted and looked after

You made that up.

Original poster
Freckleface24 · 02/11/2023 03:17

Screamingabdabz · 02/11/2023 00:16

These are the kind of threads I want to point to when dumb people ask why there is so much gender disappointment around boys.

Little boys grow into men who marry women that resent their MILs and want to do anything they can to prevent them from having any bond with their grandchildren.

Poor MIL is just excited about a new grandchild. She’s probably not even aware she’s already a source of irritation and resentment and the charming DIL is already planning to make sure she is not ‘too involved’. How nasty and immature when you could just communicate your boundaries and have an inclusive, caring attitude.

Thanks for your feedback but I'm not "planning" anything. I've seen many examples of great relationships between DIL and MIL. My own mother for example gets on wonderfully with her MIL and we have always had a wonderful relationship with grandparents with no issues on either side. It's nothing to do with her title but more that I was having a hard time being expected to spend time with people I don't particularly get along with for good valid reasons. Over the years I've done so much for my husbands family out of respect but at this very vulnerable stage in my life I feel it's ok to need and want space. Those wishes are not being respected and I have every right to feel upset about it. So no I don't think I'm being out of order in anyway but thanks for your opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freckleface24 · 02/11/2023 03:20

Thanks to all for the feedback!

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 02/11/2023 03:36

Your DH isn't the one giving birth to the baby so he can just keep his opinions to himself.

As someone who's had two babies 16 months apart and has been in a similar situation to you, this is what I'd say.

"DH, I appreciate you want your DMIL to be heavily involved, however that will not be happening. This is my body and my recovery and spending time bonding with the baby is the upmost important thing. If you don't like it, then im sorry. You'll just have to deal with it. I won't discuss this again"

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 02/11/2023 06:57

YANBU at all. Your husband is a petulant brat, tell him he can’t decide who you see.

Once or twice for an hour each week is perfectly fine, and make sure DH hosts her when she’s here, you don’t lift a finger, no cups of teas. Let DH sort it.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 02/11/2023 06:59

paintingvenice · 02/11/2023 00:26

There’s a massive difference between someone who is coming round to help out, and someone who wants to be entertained and taken out for coffee.

this isn’t about who feels more involved or which grandparent gets more time. At the moment it should be about who makes things easier for a pregnant lady and who makes things harder. If MIL made a positive contribution to DIL then things might be different, but a new mum looking after a baby can’t be expected to look after guests too- and it sounds very much like MIL wants to be hosted and looked after

Show quote history

Spot on. MIL is using this as a new excuse to push OP’s boundaries.

Start as you mean to go on, OP.

Burpsandrustles · 02/11/2023 07:08

@Freckleface24

Of course it is OK for you to want to be with people you want to be with.
I'm sure if mil hadn't previously trampled over boundaries and been self aware and more emotionally sensitive you would happily have her over.

You could invite her with your mum and your mum supporting you and say thanks for offering to help me today mil along with my mum, what would you like to do?
My mum has been helping me with house work etc...

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