In laws !

[Freckleface24]

9 months pregnant. Ready to have 1st baby any day now. Having a really hard time as hubby and I can't see eye to eye... his mum. I know she means well but she really really wants to be very involved. Right now I just want my own mum, I'm in a lot of pain with my back and my mum just knows what to do. Hubby seems to think that if my mum will be popping round everyday to help me out then his mum must be able to be here everyday too. He expects me to meet up with her for coffee and spend 1 to 1 time with her. I'll be honest I find her very very annoying and also just too much at times. Being so hormonal I've gotten to a point were I find it hard to even be around her. She's under the impression that when baby is born she'll be heavily involved but I really like my own space and I feel like a couple of times a week is enough for an hour here and there. My husband wont back me up or agree with me. This is stressing me out and giving me major anxiety , he'll be back at work and I'll be alone with baby. Am I wrong for naturally just wanting my own mum and seeing his mum sort of as and when. Obviously when he's around then I can't stop her from coming over but I mean when he's at work and I'm home alone. She's just too much for me and not really my cup of tea so I don't think it's fair that I'm expected to spend a-lot of time with her.
She has constantly ignored my boundaries in the past and so I have a guard up when it comes to her being too involved with my baby. I know that there has to be some kind of relationship but my husband thinks it's only fair that if my mum helps me with the baby everyday then she must be round here helping too. AIBU? Thanks xx

Also ask your husband when you can schedule some 1:1 with him and your mum.
Tell him it's not fair on your mum to have him not spend time with her.
Tell him she's busy so on Saturday afternoon or perhaps when he gets in from work.

This, so many men try to make their wives responsible for maintaining their own relationships. Just say, I know how keen you are that your mum is included, she’ll come everyday for dinner. Then after dinner go, “oh goodness my back, I best go have a soak” then go have a bubble bath.

I only have a DD and I don’t like my mum but I completely get why a woman would want her own mum.

Ask him when we’ll be meeting up with your mum one to one; when will he be taking the r baby to see your mum by himself? Complete double standards

Stress is really bad for pregnancy, tell him to leave you alone. When he is carrying and pushing a person out of him he can dictate who is around. You'll wants space for at least a couple of weeks while you recover and you and your partner will want time as a new family to bond with baby. Personally I would have small visits with both mothers inly in the first week if your dh is home as you won't need help.

schedule 1:1 time between your mum and DH, and DH and his mum and give it to him on paper.

Then tell him to get over himself and that when he is 9 months pregnant he can choose who he wants to spend time with, and you will do the same for you.

It is absolutely natural to want your own mum, not a person you most likely met as an adult, with you at a time like this.

You have a DH problem, he sounds selfish and inconsiderate. You need to nip this in the bud right fucking now! It's major red flag. Read him the riot act and threaten divorce or that he'd better change his attitude if he wants to be at the birth. Is there anyone that can speak some bloody sense into him and make him see what a selfish and inconsiderate jerk he is? Your mother? A friend? Anyone? Tell him you'll leave and spend time at your mums if he doesn't wake the fuck up and stop being a selfish prick. Your body, your health, your birth, YOUR WAY, your rules!! Pull him into line quick smart and nip this in the bud right now. Also it might be worth you taking the bit and telling your MIL you find her a bit suffocating and you just want your own mum. Let the chips fall where they may with her reaction. Far better to lance this boil and get your boundaries straight and her know, than carry on like this. Sooner MIL and DH have the riot act read to them, the sooner you can all get over it and get to your new normal and get on with life. So speak to them both, tell them it's non-negotiable and it's the last time you will talk about the issue, clear the air now, lay down the law before the birth. Get to it!

She says in the original post that she wants to be taken out for coffee. This isn’t a MIL who is seeing a pregnant lady and coming round with a bag of groceries, or cooking a tea to help the couple out. She wants to be entertained.

When I was pregnant my mother would stop round and put the hoover round and leave a tea in the oven, my mother in law wanted to book in a time to go out shopping (where I would have to drive round, pick her up and then stay until she had finished cooing over baby clothes) You’ll never guess who I WANTED to see more of!!!

He will probably hand over all his responsibilities to his mum and op and sit back and enjoy his nights!

She says in the original post that she wants to be taken out for coffee

No she doesn’t.

Jeez Louise, poor bloody woman’s excited about being a first-time-grandma and you’re all going on like she’s the devil incarnate.

Calm down and be kind.

Nope, other people don't get to decide how YOU spend YOUR time. MIL is not your mother. Of course you will be spending more time with your own mother - you are a priority for your mum, but for MIL you will not be.

Tell DH that you will start scheduling 1-1 coffees for him and your own mother and then sit back and wait for his outrage. Your mum and MIL are not equal here to you - they may both be grandparents but MIL is not your mother, you are heavily pregnant and you need your mum's support.

@HeddaGarbled “his mum must be able to be here everyday too. He expects me to meet up with her for coffee and spend 1 to 1 time with her.” Is right there in the OP

ODFOD with your 'Be Kind'. That hateful and misogynist handmaiden slogan needs to die and fast, never ever to be uttered again. That slogan is what has got women into a lot of mess and 'Be Kind' is always at our own personal expense and never to any benefit to us. How about you stop telling an exhausted heavily pregnant woman to 'Be Kind' to a MIL that has by the OP's own words, a long-term problem with boundaries. How about the MIL 'Be Kind' to a stressed out heavily pregnant woman who boundaries she has a long history of trampling all over, and respect her rights as a human being with needs. There is 'excited' and then there is selfishly blissfully ignorant of the effect you are having on others, especially when you are posing on them, trampling their boundaries, and showing such disrespect. You should never enable selfish, disrespectful narcissists who don't give a shit how they affect you.

Clearly the H’s expectation for OP meet up with MIL for coffee has cone from MIL.

Nope your husband is being unreasonable.

I moved in with my parents towards end of pregnancy and 1st year for numerous reasons but I did say firmly I want to be around my family not yours, I need my safe space and not have to monitor or police my emotions and words

Yes absolutely put some effort into facilitating a relationship between his mother and child as having more hands and babysitting as baby grows is invaluable but you can do this on your terms personally if you find it hard to be around her do things that aren't based at home in your sanctuary e.g. ask for her help with doing weekly shop, she can coo over baby, take her to library wriggle and rhyme sessions, ask her to take little one for walk round the block so you can shower etc (everything when your ready too) I would also encourage your partner to spend time with baby and his mother without you too so you have some space and peace, I do this at weekends or evenings suggest he pop round with DC and make sure his relationship with his parents isn't through me as I'm not his PA

P.s you may find you want space from your mother too 🤣

Explain to your mum and send Dh out for an hour and a half coffee with her, just like his own mum. Then do it again the next day. Then tell him iF he doesn’t pull his head in and start making his VERY PREGNANT WIFE his priority he will be discovering what a hypocrite he is with all his talk about making everything fair. Then point out everything hurts when you move and does he want you to kick him in the nuts then he sleeps on the floor so that’s more balanced too and he can get a better grasp of why you appreciate the support right now?

HeddaGarbled · Today 00:09
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I agree with PP that you don’t need to have the argument with your H, but I do think you should be considerate of your MIL’s feelings and not make it so blatantly obvious that she’s the bottom-rung granny”

Agree. It’s your husband’s child too.

When the husband can; spend 9 months going through pregnancy, sickness, hormones, weight gain, tiredness etc and pass a baby out the eyelet of his penis, then and only then should his wish to micromanage, control and manipulate his wife who go through that, matter. She is the one going through the childbirth. Not him. Her needs and wants come first. Not his! His 'wants' can get to fuck. The one going through pregnancy and childbirth matters. No one else does. The end.

When men give birth they can dictate how and who with we spend our postpartum time.

At least in my case, my DMs primary concern was me. She cooked, cleaned, brought shopping in, took my dogs to stay with her. Never sat cuddling the baby unless it was requested while I had a shower or a nap.

Step-MIL was so desperate to see baby that they suggested DP took baby out for a walk for them, leaving poorly me at home alone! Obviously that was a hard no, and when they did come they sat on the sofa holding baby and refusing to hand her back.

So @Freckleface24 , will you stick to your guns?

@Nanny0gg yes I will thank you. After reading everyone's feedback , it makes me feel better knowing I'm not being unreasonable. I want him to trust that I will always make sure they have a good relationship with us and baby. I just need a-bit of space and help that will actually help me at the moment. The last thing I need is everyone in my face , all I ask is some time to adjust and establish a new routine and navigate this new chapter.
I know everyone is excited and happy about the first grandchild but it's also such a special time in my life and I would like to figure things out together with my husband rather than parents and in laws calling the shots. Thanks again xx

She should come when your DH is there, and not too often either of you want space.
Your mum is there to care for you, that's very different!

I don't understand why you/DH can't just set boundaries for MIL around actually being helpful. She probably wants to be, but is maybe afraid of over stepping.

This sort of thread always makes me a bit sad that I've only got boys

It sounds like it's the contrary if you read OPs posts. MIL is not afraid of over-stepping boundaries, in fact, she seems fine doing it and her DH supports his mother over-stepping her boundaries. Both DH and MIL have no respect for OP's boundaries and flaunt that they over-step them willingly with no care in the world for OP.

She sounds very overbearing but with a good heart and she's probably been looking forward to having a grandchild and has imagined how her life is going to be. I think it depends on if she's going to be helpful or if she's just coming round to see the baby. Ideally if she comes round to help, you could share it between your mum and her. You might get some alone time if she is there as she can hopefully help or entertain the baby while you get some time off. When older you could even go out and I think you will appreciate her he'll. If she's just coming to see the baby you should clearly state this is a boundaries and you are only happy doing that once per week and ideally with your husband. I don't think ots worth falling out with hubby over and it sounds like she's coming from a good place, so hopefully one day you will benefit from her overbearing nature.