Boyfriend

[Kleeklee86]

So I’ve been with my bf for two years I struggle to talk about certain things including money, I’m struggling atm he buys grocery’s every week but I’m paying for rent etc, this hadn’t been a problem for me up until a few months back when I had to pay out money regularly now I’m feeling like I’m working to live! My moods have changed because of this and he says I take it out on him I don’t argue or shout just go into quiet mode and don’t want to talk?? I feel like just saying shall we go out deprecate ways then??

If your can’t talk then maybe separating is best for both of you.

I don't really understand your post, are you living with him and paying all the rent?
Or are you just going through a stressful financial time individually and he feels you take all your stresses out on him?
Regularly going quiet, not talking and then threatening a breakup is quite an immature response to anything.

Do you actually live together, joint names on tenancy etc? I stay in my boyfriend's house, I only buy food and if I want the heating on when he doesn't, I pay then, because it isn't my house, I don't live there. I did buy new blinds, hoover, storage etc because it is what I wanted.

OK, what do you both earn and what do you both pay for ?

As above really, are you living together and are you both working?

If so, then why aren't you splitting the bills/groceries equally? You do need to talk to him about it if this is the case, rather than go moody and expect him to be a mind reader and know why.

If you don't live together, you need to explain to him that you are stressed about money.

@Ponoka7
What do you do, pop the heating on and hand him £10? and he accepts it? Odd

Are you both living together? If she can the bills be split more evenly?

I think he has a bit of a point, at some point you’ll need to talk and explain things and this can be done without arguing and shouting. Going quiet and then being a little distant isn’t really healthy.

If you’re struggling with your mental health do you have anyone else to talk to?
Are you happy with him? If so can you two work this out and split the bills and shopping more evenly so you’re not feeling as pressured and stress. Try explain that you feel you’re barely getting by and doing a lot,
he may be quite understanding. If you’re not happy
and its your place, then end the relationship and look at your finances to see what can change.

If you can’t communicate, it’s probably best to go your separate ways.

Can you break down costs for us?

I was living on my own for two years prior to him moving in this time last year, yes he lives with me once my outgoings are gone I’m pretty much left with hardly anything, he buys the weekly shop he has a dc also so he stays with us a lot twice a week overnight and every other weekend. There’s no arguing or shouting I just go quiet it’s how I deal with it I had too much conflict and aggression with my ex husband

No joint tenancy I’m on the house only

Since he’s moved in then I’d expect
him to be paying for more than the weekly shop. It might be best for you two to sit down and work out your own finances and how much your place is costing and then come to some agreement over it all. Weekly shops can be expensive but is he contributing to anything else?

He really should be paying money towards rent tbh. Everything should be 50/50 when it comes to priority bills. Have a conversation and if he doesn't like it tell him to move on.

This

Get yourself prepared.

Write down all your monthly outgoings.

Write down what you have coming in.

Then you ask him to write down his finances and then you sit down together and work out what is a fair split of all the bills.

If he won't do that then you ask him to leave.

He must have built up quite a lot of savings lodging with you for free and only paying for food.

He should be paying half of all bills, plus all bills for his child (extra food, clothing etc, not necessarily heat/electric). Surely he’s not living there and just paying food, leaving you short for everything else?

You 'can't talk about money' with your boyfriend but you still thought it would be a good idea to live together? In YOUR house? You've never asked him to contribute anything more than groceries?

This is fucking insane. Clearly you should have had a conversation about finances before he moved in. He shouldn't be letting you pay all the rent and all the bills for him and his child while he contributes nothing but a weekly trip to Asda, but equally, as you've never told him anything different, he is assuming that you are fine with this arrangement because you've never told him otherwise. Being moody with him instead of JUST TELLING HIM THAT YOU NEED TO WORK OUT FINANCES is incredibly immature. You can absolutely go your separate ways if you're not happy with him, but refusing to talk about the basics of adult daily life with a partner and then giving them the silent treatment when they can't manage to read your mind is something that's going to fuck up any relationship, not just this one.

Yes it’s only the food shop nothing else, I’ve even looked into a second job but I’ll have no life, if it was me I’d be asking regularly if everything’s ok or if I need help but no I’m scared now I’ve left it go on for so long as is it! I’m only on minimum wage

I've no words, why was this not sorted before he moved in with child in tow??? Does he work? List all the bills and half them

He’s a free loader and that in itself is very unattractive

And I hope you're not doing ANY child care for this cocklodger.

Dear god just talk to him

sorry but this is nuts

If he's costing you get rif

I don't even know where to start...
Where are your boundaries, @Kleeklee86 - your self esteem?
Where have you been all your adult life, to put up with this shit?

A bit of reading might do you the world of good:

Women Who Love Too Much
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

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