To be at my with end about DDs hair

[runningandjumping]

DD (11) has lovely long thick hair, but lately it looks very messy. She does brush it, but it looks still messy even in the morning. And in the afternoon it looks awful. She does not want me to do her hair, and I'm tired of the same discussion every morning, she gets upset quicky. She used to wear her hair in plats overnight before, but now days it feels uncomfortable, and I think this is the source of the problem. Children in school started making comments about how messy her hair looks. I don't want it to become a big issue, what would you do?

Yes, all the 'cut it' comments are clearly from people with straight hair! Thick, wavy unstyled hair will look far worse short.

Some sort of smoothing cream - few drops makes all the difference..

I'd leave her to it on the basic stipulation she brushes and washes it a normal amount.

I wouldn't encourage any girl to bother with any high maintenance hair regime, it's such a waste of time.

Second trying a silk pillowcase and also how often does she brush it? Mine was like this as a child and it needed brushing at least twice a day as a teen/preteen, once did not do the job at all. I used to keep a brush in my school locker so I could give it a quick brush at break time too. It did look nice when kept on top of thought so don’t think it was over brushed.

Please don’t take her to get it cut. Still carry trauma from when I was taken for a trim and Mum had clearly given the heads up and the whole lot was chopped off.

And she hasn’t said it’s not. Do you have curly hair? Most people who do can recognise based on the op that it’s quite likely - many will have grown up with the same issue.

I guess so.

But my DD's hair is straight and when it gets too long even when she 'brushes it' she doesn't get through to the inside and so it quickly looks messy even if the outside layer is done. So that is what I was thinking of.

If her hair is wavy/curly, there are a few steps you can take to help avoid tangling. This is my simple routine with wavy/curly DD:

• wash twice a week with a gentle shampoo, condition and detangle in the shower
• apply a curl cream to wet hair (I use Little Curls) and comb through
• apply a curl gel (Umberto Gianni is good) and scrunch to form the curls
• gently dry with a diffuser
• overnight, either put hair up with a loose scrunchie, or wrap with a scarf or sleep bonnet
• in the morning, spritz with water and use fingers and a wide tooth comb to detangle

Written down it sounds like a lot, but I only do steps 1-4 on wash day (twice a week), so most nights it's just putting it up, and in the morning spray and detangle.

Look up curly girl method with her

Shes got curly/ wavy hair if brushing it makes it look more messy

There are lots of different short cuts. There's nobody out there who has to have long hair, because shorter cuts will inevitably look terrible.

Do you think all boys with thick and curly hair look terrible, or do you think that this type of hair somehow only grows on girls?

I wouldnt agree with racist as all races can have curly/ frizzy hair. It can be v. difficult to control.

Is she approaching puberty? Around this age my hair went from being like a child where its fine being washed once a week, to needing washing more often, a couple of times a week.

If she's brushing it herself she may not be doing a good enough job. Give her choices - either you help her, or she learns to sort it better herself, or she might need to have it cut if the length is making it more tangled.

That could make it worse. My hair will stick up in every / all directions if it´s too short and requires a lot more styling than longer styles, which allow me to plait it, put it up, in ponytails etc.

OP: is her hair curly?
has she tried sleeping with a silk bonnet?

The child’s farm detangling spray is good at making the morning brush more effective, and has a lasting effect throughout the day.
Also an undercut at the nape of her neck can make less hair more manageable.

Agreed that i wouldn't encourage a time consuming high maintenance regime with lots of products at age 11. Ive also been a bit wary about all the curly hair approaches. They are great the day you wash your hair but I've found none that leave my hair looking presentable a second day without washing it again - i always have to tie it up the second day, so if she doesn't want it tied back these methods could end up time consuming.

I have two daughters - both of whom inherited my natural aura of total dishevelment. One has my own poker straight hair - in the end she decided herself to get it cut to a chin length bob around the age of 9 when she was sick of it getting tatty at the ends and having to endure it being brushed. It's helped hers look much neater and now she complains and demands a hairdresser trip when it's getting too long for her (usually when school start asking her to tie it back length).

The other has hair which has a definite wave to it - won't sleep with it plaited as she doesn't find it comfortable. Using good leave in products has helped a lot - it still has a bit of a mind of its own but she comes out of school no more messy than the rest of the class now. Keeping as much moisture in it as we can has definitely improved the situation.

My DM used to force these on me as a kid. I'm the only straight haired woman in the family. They still hurt and make it difficult to sleep IMO.

What hair type has your daughter got OP?

Short hair looks great on me. IF I style it. It will be a frizzy mess otherwise. And that is the same for some men as well. Not every man with short hair has a wash and go...

I suppose it might be differentfor very short hair (one inch or less) or a military buzzcut.

But would the DD want that kind of cut? What about the social aspect of giving a 12 year old girl with "lovely, thick" and long hair a cut that is generally considered to be masculine?

Curly / wavy girl does the same for me. Gorgeous on day one. After that? Potentially still nice, but with a lot of knots.

An additional issue I have is that my hair is fine and easily gets tangled. The lovely curl clumps of day 1 end up as thick, horrible knots on day 3.

Same. But I have told dd that I either help her, you loose plaits it at night or it gets cut. I tell her that long hair requires a lot of looking after. It's past her waist and we both hate looking after it but she refuses to cut it. Tesco did a great serum that made it so easy to brush, but it's discontinued now.

Help her by getting it cut or layered a bit which will make it easier to detangle. Get her some products like Curly Ellie leave in conditioner and a wide comb. She might be better towel drying her hair, combing leave in conditioner through then leaving it.

It's a bit of push me pull you with personal care at their age - eventually they get there.

My DD has wavy/curly hair and it looks much better shorter.
I think if her hair looks messy - she needs to look after it differently.
Brushing it dry will probably make it worse.
DD has several friends with naturally wavy/curly hair and they've all gone through short/straightened/frizzy mops until they learn what works for their hair.
I rarely brush my hair, quick comb when wet is about it. Otherwise I am a giant ball of frizz..

Don't just get it cut.
My mum did this to me and I've never forgotten it.

You need to give her the choice - that she starts taking care of her hair or she will be going to get it cut.

Don't use a brush.

She needs a large comb the type you normally use in the shower.

What’s her hair texture?
do not cut short just to make it easy, I have a slight wavy hair and when I cut it short it took double the time in the morning- later spoke to a stylist who confirmed that with my hair a short cut would be a very high maintenance one
is it wavy? Could she be better looking at it with the “curtly hair” method?
can a bit of serum and hair gel (tiny pea size drops mixed together all over) help get it under control?
does she minds what other kids are saying?
can she not just put it up on a ponytail / messy bun for the day?
bring a small brush to school?
maybe look into the haircut - maybe layers?
whatever is done has to be her decision
for what’s worth my (now) 12 yo used to claim she didn’t mind and no one did and got upset if I tried to do her hair, once we figured a shampoo that works for her and a haircut that makes her hair look “messy on purpose” she is taking proper care, letting me help, etc - she did cared, was just a bit embarrassed to admit it