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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Mum's should get to pick the baby names?

70 replies

GlitterGlobe30 · 31/10/2023 20:34

Aibu to think Mums should get to pick baby's first names after they have done all the work to give birth, body changes, morning sickness etc? Especially because Dad's get to give the baby his second name so seems a bit wrong that he gets to pick the first name too.

I just see other threads on Mumsnet about arguments over baby names.

But I'm completely prepared to be told if you think this is unreasonable, more just wanted to hear people's thoughts on this :)

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 31/10/2023 20:59

As so many pps have said the baby traditionally takes their mothers surname unless she chooses to either take her husband's name or she goes against tradition and agrees to baby having her partner's last name.
As far as first names are concerned there are so many names to choose and so many are lovely. It is just one decision that as parents you will have to make over the next 18 ( and more ) years. Do it together.

AgaMM · 31/10/2023 21:00

So whilst DH and I are struggling to agree a name for second child, I do want to be unreasonable and agree with you as it’s really annoying all my names are vetoed and he’s not suggested any alternatives that I like.

But he is an equal parent and partner and he has just as much a say as I do.

Manadou · 31/10/2023 21:00

In the UK, parents can give their child whatever name or surname they want. Surname doesn't have to be the father’s or mother's. There is nothing in the law which restricts the parents’ choice of name (or surname), and the registrar doesn’t have the right to refuse a name, except insofar as they might think it were something illegal (e.g. something racist).

Horriblewoman · 31/10/2023 21:00

Quite a few women on mumsnet seem to work on the assumption that either all pregnancies are immaculate conceptions and only the woman gets any say or a man is purely a sperm donor and after that he disappears into a puff of smoke.

Jk987 · 31/10/2023 21:04

The thing is you don't want to have a name that makes one of you cringe. Names can do that and they're stuck forever!

Ssme92 · 31/10/2023 21:09

YABU!!!! We don't choose to be the ones who will become pregnant, it's biology, it's science! End of! I don't agree with this thing of women using the "well I grew them / birthed them" card to get their way. Surely two grown adults can find one name they both like. We stumbled upon our girls name by accident and both fell in love with it. My OH vetoed my ultimate favourite boys name, I vetoed his ultimate favourite boys name, we picked a name we both liked. He said if we had had a boy he would've let me pick any name at all after the hardship of labour... There is absolutely no way I would've chosen my fave boys name knowing he didn't like it. Both parents will have to use the name forever. It should be a joint decision!

Mariposista · 31/10/2023 21:13

How completely unreasonable. The baby is not the mother's sole property! It takes two to make one!
And I come from a family where father didn't want to know. But I still appreciate that there are many wonderful fathers out there.

ColleenDonaghy · 31/10/2023 21:15

No, the DC are equally the father's children.

We will never get anywhere near equality if we don't encourage men to be fully involved, engaged parents from day 1.

Attictroll · 31/10/2023 21:17

No...part of sharing the child is joint parenting from naming and beyond. It sets a bad starting point to say mum did the work it's all on her to make decisions.

Manadou · 31/10/2023 21:19

Jk987 · 31/10/2023 21:04

The thing is you don't want to have a name that makes one of you cringe. Names can do that and they're stuck forever!

Any adult can change their name, can't they?

CaramelMac · 31/10/2023 21:20

Yes, absolutely! Both times I made a list of names I liked, DH took out the ones he disliked and I picked the final name but it was always going to be my decision.

toastofthetown · 31/10/2023 21:22

Both parents get to decide on each part of name. A name isn't really a baby name; it's the name the child will have for the rest of its life (unless they decide they want to change it) and as such shouldn't be seen as some kind of reward for pregnancy. Should the mother get more say as to which secondary school the child attends, or essential medical decisions because she was the pregnant one?

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/10/2023 21:23

YABU. Both parents need to agree because it is their baby, not just mum's baby.

DS has both of our last names so just dads last name isn't a guarantee either.

HerRoyalStressHead · 31/10/2023 21:28

I gave my kids their first names and they got my surname
Their dad just didn't care to name them so they were all named by me.
BUT I do think it should he a joint decision. I did try to get him involved. He just muttered that everything was fine. And your assumptions that kids automatically get dad's surname are weird. Not all families do that.

bakewellbride · 31/10/2023 21:28

Yabu it should be an equal decision and I'm married so we all have the same surname.

FinallyFinalGirl · 31/10/2023 21:32

Yes. The babies I carried and almost lost my life giving birth to, got his surname so yeah, I will pick their first names. And my husband was fully supportive of that.

KohlaParasaurus · 31/10/2023 21:35

That's what I told both grandmothers when they were trying to claim naming rights for my first baby (first grandchild on both sides, "family tradition", etc). Their father and I discussed names extensively and I had final choice but wouldn't have chosen a name he wasn't happy with too.

AliasGrape · 31/10/2023 21:37

I don’t think this should be the case, and I do believe it should be a name you are both happy with.

I can say that quite happily now but I think I might have been a bit gutted had we ended up with our ‘compromise’ name - as it was DH had a bit of change of heart as soon as he saw the baby and decided that she did indeed suit my first choice of name - one he’d previously pulled a face at but had decided he did like after all. Now he really loves her name and positively beams any time anyone compliments it. If it hadn’t worked out like that though, I’d have just gone with the compromise name and I’m sure grown to love it.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 31/10/2023 21:41

I think it should be a name you both like. I'm sure one will like the name more than the other a lot of the time but it should be a joint decision. I know a lot of people who haven't just been given the dads last name too.

OfficerChurlish · 31/10/2023 21:53

Baby naming is rarely a binary choice, either-or situation, though. If Dad wants Mary Elizabeth and Mum wants Booboobear-Indyrose, they can compromise on Rosemary (for example), or keep combing through lists until they find one they both genuinely like. Both parents are going to have to live with the name.

SD1978 · 31/10/2023 21:53

No- because getting pregnant, involves 2 people and names should involve the same.

Vistada · 31/10/2023 21:55

I R MUMMY who wants to make her partner work six days so she can work four because 🌟mummy💫is that you???

ExTheCheater · 31/10/2023 22:24

Why does baby automatically get dads surname?!

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 31/10/2023 22:26

Especially because Dad's get to give the baby his second name

Well that isn't a given.

No, I don't agree with you. If in a relationship, they should both agree.

Manadou · 31/10/2023 22:53

ExTheCheater · 31/10/2023 22:24

Why does baby automatically get dads surname?!

Only because people think they "should" because of tradition, quite often people think it's the law or something. A baby does not have to have dad's surname, or mother's come to that.