Xmas and ExDH

[50plusandfabulous]

I’ll likely be divorced by Xmas this year, been separated 3 years. I have bought the family home and Ex DH lives not far away.
Im having our only DS and his girlfriend ( they don’t live at home) for Xmas dinner, they were going to her family but thats not happening now.
I’m not a fan of Xmas, DH always made it all about him and insisted on going the pub on Xmas day like most other days so I was always rushing round trying to do everything and dragging him out of the pub. Last year i made the effort and hosted Xmas day despite us not being together.
He was absolutely hideous, didn’t contribute a thing , no presents even for DS, and then was shitty because I had had a Baileys and couldn’t drive him to the pub. It was a horrible day and it culminated in a massive row and me in tears.
So this year, i know he is unlikely to make plans, I feel bad because 1) I wouldn’t see a dog alone on Xmas day and 2) DS says he would feel bad if his dad was round the corner on his own.
ExDH also has form for being a martyr / suffers with depression/ is a borderline/ functioning alcoholic , all of which contributed to our marriage breaking down.
I cannot face the thought of another shitty Xmas, I’ve not had a great couple
of years myself and I am just so torn between putting a brave face on for DS and salving my own conscience by having Ex DH or saying he has to sort himself out .
I had originally planned to be abroad but it fell through and then I felt bad that DS had no plans.
AIBU to say I don’t want him here Xmas Day ?

You owe him nothing. He's an ex for a reason. Surely your adult DS can understand you not spending Christmas Day with your ex.

No. Tell your son now that you’re not inviting his dad to your house because of his poor behavior last year, and so if he wants to organize something with his dad too (tea and mince mies at his place, trip to the pub, whatever) to just let you know when it’s decided in case it affects any timings/meal planning while he’s at staying with you.

You deserve a happy Christmas, not one catering to your ex! If he’s feeling badly about not seeing his dad, can DS meet him for a drink at the pub? Surely DS would be aware of how Ex has treated you over the years.

He won't be alone. He will be in the pub.

This.

Your DS isn’t being fair here. Have this discussion now.

If he doesn’t want his dad to be alone on Xmas day, he can go there. But if he comes to you, you will not be inviting your horrible ex!

ExDH has absolutely no where else to go? The pun?

*pub

This

Don’t have him at yours; you don’t deserve another spoiled Christmas. Your DS can go and see his dad after dinner

If your DS doesn't live at home and is an adult, why can he not host your Ex at his own house? Or have I misread that?

DS can lay off the guilt and host his father on Boxing Day, seeing and him and his gf don't live at home anymore! DS can feel bad all he wants, but that's not your problem - you don't deserve to still be putting other peoples feelings above your own.

As PP have said, he won't be alone he'll be in a pub!

I would suggest to DS that he makes his own arrangements to see his dad at whatever time and venue he pleased. But make it clear that you need to know an approximate time, so it doesn't interfere with Christmas lunch, and that you will not be acting as a chauffeur. I would also tell him that he is quite free to spend the whole day with his dad if he wants to, but that won't be happening in your house.

The thing is that your son will be glad not to spend Christmas with your dad. He will remember all those years of bad Christmases. He just wants to be relieved of the guilt.

If you want to keep your son sweet, you could say that he could take a plated dinner to his dad's at the end of the day after he leaves you. At that point though, everybody knows his dad will be absolutely pissed out of his head. He probably won't even be in his house.

No, don’t invite him. Show your son you’re worthy of respect by standing up for yourself and telling the ex to knob off.

Nope. You're not a martyr or his mother. He is not your responsibility. You tell your son that he's not invited, because he always makes it shit, and your son is welcome to arrange to go round there after, you don't mind at all.

He is old enough to be explained the reason ex isn’t invited..

He's old enough to know you seperated for a reason and he didn't behave well last year. You can tell DS you will be welcoming DS and girlfriend for as much of the day as they wish to spend, and if they wish to also make arrangements to see his dad to let you know so you can make sure to organise lunch etc so it won't clash.

Your son thought you were going abroad, he could've made plans with his girlfriend and/or his dad, not your fault he didn't bother to sort something out for himself. Your ex isn't your responsibility anymore, do nothing for him

Don't have him round. Maybe DS could go round for a bit if they wanted?

Stop with the guilt he is not your responsibility and why do that to yourself!!

Your DS can host who ever he pleases in his home. That’s not your problem.

I really don't understand why you felt bad about your DS having no plans. He has a girlfriend, surely they were going to spend the day together anyway. The fact that they're no longer going to her family, doesn't mean that your DS needs to spend the day with you, let alone make you bad for not wanting to invite your Ex. As others have said, tell your DS that you will be divorced shortly, and as such have no obligation to invite his father round on Christmas Day, particularly when having done so out of the goodness of your heart last year, he ruined it for you. Tell him you have no problem with him only spending part of the day with you, and if he wants to see his DF that badly to make plans to meet up with him at his own house, because he is NOT coming to YOURS!!

DS can pop over and see his Dad, oh but his Dad will be happily pissed in the pub.

Of course it is not unreasonable - what would be unreasonable is to do something you resent because you have a sense that no one should be alone on Christmas day. If he has no other options, that is on him.

As for DS I would tell him to knock it off with the emotional blackmail. He can feel bad for his dad. But that does not mean you have to be abused by your ex.