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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think I'd have more help?

43 replies

Dream246 · 31/10/2023 17:58

So I have 2 small children one of which doesn't sleep past 4am, to say this is exhausting is an understatement and we've literally tried everything....

We live close by both sets of grandparents and I have sobbed to my own mother numerous times over how tired we both are and needing a break, my mother in law also knows what's going on yet neither ever offer to help. They both love taking our oldest out for the day but again this is no help to us as he is a dream so its more about building their relationship rather than helping at all. Either way I'm still at home with the child that won't sleep or be put down for more than 2 minutes. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that either side would offer to babysit so we can actually spend some time together as husband and wife or stay over for the night to help us out?

All we get is 'shout if you need anything!' When they both know there is sooooo much that we need

OP posts:
Dontsparethehorses · 31/10/2023 18:01

Why don’t you ask when they say shout if you need anything? Actually please could you take the youngest for a walk?

PleaseBePacific · 31/10/2023 18:03

Just ask outright. Although if it was me I'd offer, but sometimes you just need to ask

saveforthat · 31/10/2023 18:03

Yes YABU if you haven't said " could you take the youngest for a few hours"

LBB2020 · 31/10/2023 18:05

Just ask them! My mum never offers to look after my DC but if I ask and she’s able she always will

sollenwir · 31/10/2023 18:05

Have you tried asking for help with a specific thing at a specific time?
Grandparents often cannot win, too pushy with offers of help versus not helpful enough - both common 'complaints'.
They might also have their own lives to lead and want to enjoy the grandkids but also not be doing to much in terms of actual care?

TeenLifeMum · 31/10/2023 18:06

How old are dc?

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 18:08

Very gently OP, because I have been there - you're exhausted so you're not thinking straight.

They've asked you to shout if you need anything - so shout, very very specifically and very very honestly.

"I need someone to take DS2 for more than 3 hours because I'm actually starting to hallucinate with lack of sleep."

That kind of thing. And then you'll have to steel yourself not to look for unwillingness, or to cave to your own guilt at asking for what you need.

Again, gently - what is your DP/DH doing about the sleep situation? The working parent should get a little slack in this, I think - but that doesn't mean you do ALL the nighttime stuff!

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2023 18:09

You need to shout about what you need.

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/10/2023 18:11

I don’t think they’re especially unreasonable not wanting to babysit for “a child who won't sleep or be put down for more than 2 minutes.” That’s torture, not grandparenting. I think you need to pay a professional for that sort of level of work and care.

ginasevern · 31/10/2023 18:11

Grandparents don't have a duty to look after your kids. They've done their time and, unless they demanded that you gave them grandchildren, then its your responsibility. Can you sound them out about night time help?

Tweddle · 31/10/2023 18:12

I’m confused. What did they say when you asked them?

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 18:14

Grandparents don't have a duty to look after your kids.

They do have a duty to look after their own kids, though; it would be a special kind of shit parent who saw their child on her knees with tiredness and desperation and didn't want to help make that go away.

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 18:15

Tweddle · 31/10/2023 18:12

I’m confused. What did they say when you asked them?

oh ffs, I hate this cunty reply. Clearly she hasn't. Yes, that is the problem. Everyone else managed to address it except you, who took the oppo to twist the knife.

RantyAnty · 31/10/2023 18:18

As a grandma, we can't read your mind.

My daughter pulls this getting cross with me for not guessing the right thing.

Speak up and ask and be specific what you need.

Original poster
Dream246 · 31/10/2023 18:36

Thank you all for your replies, I have actually addressed it with my mum as she was really helpful with my first but has pulled back with our second and she said she doesn't really know why. And I absolutely respect that they have their own lives, so I don't expect them to be on hand all the time. As winterdewinter said, I think that's what's bothering me! If I saw my grown up child sobbing through exhaustion and saying they need some help, I can't help but wonder after this why hasn't she offered?

Also re mother in law, we don't have a warm relationship at all sadly and she never says anything to me but will say to my husband shout if you need anything in an off the cuff way and walk off so I think it's more of a 'I've offered so no-one can say I didn't' type of comment.

My husband works full time and whilst I do the up and down in the night stuff, he struggles to sleep through it so it keeps him up too. And he's really hands on so when he can he's in the thick of it with me.

Maybe I need to adjust my expectations...

OP posts:
Climbingthehillfast · 31/10/2023 18:37

Why does your kid constantly get up at 4am and what are you doing to sort it out?

Original poster
Dream246 · 31/10/2023 18:43

If I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be writing this post! I'm sorry but what a stupid thing to write, if you can't be nice then don't comment, keyboard warrior!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 31/10/2023 18:45

Your previous threads seem to indicate that you have poor relationships with and dislike many of your family members, both your in-laws and blood family - so yes, you probably do need to manage your expectations about their level of willingness to help you out now, when you’ve had huge rows with them and made it clear you don’t like them much in the past.

Your mum knows why she doesn’t offer to look after your youngest: it’s a very young baby which won’t sleep and won’t be put down. That’s a whole different ball game to after an older child which mostly sleeps through the night and they can interact with and enjoy. I think this is the point where money on a nanny a few nights of days a month would be well spent.

Original poster
Dream246 · 31/10/2023 18:48

Yes I think you are right, Sadly we don't have great relationships with both sides. Something myself and my husband have tried so hard to remedy but we can't seem to get it right.

I'll discuss a nanny situation with my husband tonight. Thank you for your constructive advice x

OP posts:
Changingplace · 31/10/2023 18:49

But you haven’t specifically told them what help you need, so tell them, they’re not mind-readers, and they’ve offered to help so just explain what you need from them.

Brefugee · 31/10/2023 18:57

It's hard when you have a non-sleeper. It is hard when you have 2 small children. It is even harder when they aren't yours and you're 25 years older.

If you need/want help use your words.

cptartapp · 31/10/2023 19:01

How old is the youngest? Can't you use nursery and spend the time resting/asleep? Mine went from four months pt. It's not really families responsibility.
Desperate times.

Tweddle · 31/10/2023 19:09

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 18:15

oh ffs, I hate this cunty reply. Clearly she hasn't. Yes, that is the problem. Everyone else managed to address it except you, who took the oppo to twist the knife.

Show quote history

@WinterDeWinter You have misunderstood my intention. It was a legitimate question.

The OP said “I have sobbed to my own mother numerous times over how tired we both are and needing a break, my mother in law also knows what's going on yet neither ever offer to help”

So clearly she has discussed it with both her mother and mother in law as stated in her OP, but it’s not clear what the outcome of these discussions were.

I’m not sure why you felt the need to be quite so aggressive to me and basically call me a cunt. It’s unnecessary and tbh makes me feel a bit shit, but I suspect that was your intention.

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 19:14

Tweddle · 31/10/2023 19:09

@WinterDeWinter You have misunderstood my intention. It was a legitimate question.

The OP said “I have sobbed to my own mother numerous times over how tired we both are and needing a break, my mother in law also knows what's going on yet neither ever offer to help”

So clearly she has discussed it with both her mother and mother in law as stated in her OP, but it’s not clear what the outcome of these discussions were.

I’m not sure why you felt the need to be quite so aggressive to me and basically call me a cunt. It’s unnecessary and tbh makes me feel a bit shit, but I suspect that was your intention.

Show quote history

Yes, it was my intention. As it was yours to the OP, whether you can admit to yourself or not.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 31/10/2023 19:22

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 18:14

Grandparents don't have a duty to look after your kids.

They do have a duty to look after their own kids, though; it would be a special kind of shit parent who saw their child on her knees with tiredness and desperation and didn't want to help make that go away.

Yes this isn't a case of expecting free full time care, this is a unique time of extreme need. They need to step up OP. They can manage a few hours between them with a difficult child surely.

Be specific OP they may think you are too proud or not in need when you haven't said.

Sorry you are having a hard time.

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