Aibu to think I'd have more help?

[Dream246]

So I have 2 small children one of which doesn't sleep past 4am, to say this is exhausting is an understatement and we've literally tried everything....

We live close by both sets of grandparents and I have sobbed to my own mother numerous times over how tired we both are and needing a break, my mother in law also knows what's going on yet neither ever offer to help. They both love taking our oldest out for the day but again this is no help to us as he is a dream so its more about building their relationship rather than helping at all. Either way I'm still at home with the child that won't sleep or be put down for more than 2 minutes. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that either side would offer to babysit so we can actually spend some time together as husband and wife or stay over for the night to help us out?

All we get is 'shout if you need anything!' When they both know there is sooooo much that we need

One of ours was a non sleeper too, it can feel tortuous. I remember that feeling of desperation.

My mum would help a bit - definitely wouldn't have stayed overnight, but in daytime would take the baby out for a walk so I could rest for an hour. Can you ask for something specific like that?

Mine are now adults so it was a long time ago. More recently, friends also had a child who couldn't settle and they found a sleep consultant who really helped.

How on earth is asking someone about a conversation trying to make someone feel bad? The OP herself said she has addressed it with her mum and I was asking her to elaborate. You have completely misjudged.

I’m not sure what is happening right now that is causing you to react so aggressively, but I’m not going to engage with your playground bully behaviour and trade insults with you.
I’ll bow out and hide the thread because you’re going to completely derail the thread which isn’t fair on the OP.

I'm sorry if I got you wrong Tweddle, but you must know that a faux-naive, head-tilted 'What did they say when you asked them?' - pretending to not understand that the OP has not been able to tackle the problem directly - is a really unpleasant, kick-em-when-they're-down MN trope.

What is your youngest like at sleeping pre 4am?

My youngest of 3DC used to wake at 4am cluster feed on and off till 6, then fall asleep as the other two were waking up... the only way I could deal with the exhaustion was to quite literally go to bed at first opportunity, sometimes 7pm in winter!

It meant absolutely EVERYTHING was left for when I woke up, it was like getting up to a hurricane of stuff to do and mess everywhere, BUT I could deal with it on 6/7 hours sleep.
It's quite hard to literally just leave everything but after a few weeks of more sleep I got better at doing things in the day to prepare for the following morning. It meant DH got more sleep as I took little one into another room (sofa, spare duvets, remote control, spare nappies etc set up), and so he also had more energy to clean up in the evenings.
It's obviously not great long term as you don't get much time together as a couple, but to get the sleep in till he developed a different sleep pattern (he did when bigger and eating more), then it worked wonders.

If the whole night is broken then yes, get a nanny perhaps.

Or maybe Co sleeping so he can always snuggle, cot attachment to bed maybe

Also re grandparents, definitely ask specifically for them to either take him or play with them both at your house while you go upstairs and sleep. If they want to throw money at it maybe a Christmas present of a night nanny

Maybe your mum feels a bit daunted given you are breaking down (understandably) about the lack of sleep and challenges. So she may feel nervous about helping with DC 2.
Can you break it down into small bite size chunks of help for her? For example, my niece was a bit of a nightmare at one point so I'd take her out for a walk in the pram. She'd cry of course, sometimes for ages but it didn't feel so bad with her in the pram and eventually she'd nod off. And of course I'd lie to the parents and say she was absolutely fine !
That would give them an hour to snooze or tidy or just have a cuppa or whatever.

Or just ask her to make dinner for you all one evening or do the weekly shop (you pay of course). Something that needs doing and It just may be enough to give you a tiny breather which then may just relieve a bit of pressure. Or can she take DC1 at weekend for a few hours and DH take baby out and you get a snooze.

Just ask for anything specific !

Don’t understand how gp can see you struggle.
I cover for lies in and nights out and try to make sure my daughter has a decent life. Nursed gd at one day old so parents could rest. To me giving help with over nights ensures the parents can cope physically and mentally and heads off problems. Be direct and ask for help , although they should offer. To me the time you commit to the young family is precious., whilst building a bond with dgc

You sound so lovely @Mumsgirls

Just a handhold as I’ve been where you are and it’s horrendous to feel so tired.

I would ask your mum outright for help

I found it incredibly difficult to think straight when I was so tired, so I couldn't think of solutions at that point

How old are the kids op?

Have you actually said "could you take baby Veronica instead of toddler Maude because I feel like I never get any time with her?
Can you take them both so I can sleep?

Tbh I think asking them to babysit knowing they'll be up at 4 am. So ask directly for what you need and is reasonable.

How many days do you both work? Who gets weekend lie ins?

I think asking anyone to get up in the middle of the night is a bit of an ask but I would absolutely ask your mother to take baby for a few hours jn thr afternoon for you to try and catch a few hours. It will do you the world of good .

The info on your other threads will help people advise you on this one.

With all due respect put a routine in place with the help of (you are so lucky) both sets of parents. I followed my eldest's needs. I put routines in place for my youngest two, on sound advice. Your child should be sleeping 12+ hours a day. Ever wondered how nurseries get children to all lie down and nap at 3pm? It's routine and expectation. Once you get the routine sorted, so you all sleep at night, ask for specific help. You sound frazzled and want help and want someone to take care of you - all things parents need. Routines are the sanity of all parents, the easy transition to all outside help. Been there on both sides. Your child will sleep for more than 2 minutes, if your child is engaged, fed, changed, (bath time at night) and expected to sleep at night/nap each afternoon on a daily basis. Just engage. The next activity is feeding. Then next activity putting down to sleep. They easily adapt to routines. You've met all their needs of learning and interest and feeding, the child needs to process all the new learning experiences - and sleeps. And everything is new to a baby. It takes so much just to process each day. Routines, you'll end up with a child happy to go to bed at 6pm and not wake up until 6-7am and learn more and do better at school. Youngest two have done brilliantly through school and loved by friends and teachers. Eldest, has struggled.

Agree just ask them outright eg ‘can you have the kids next Tuesday afternoon? I have dentist or docs etc etc, would be really helpful!’ X

Why not just ask?

Just wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you who offered really good advice and was gentle with me in my exhausted state! I've taken it all on board and approached both mum and mother in law who have both offered help and even offered to help with washing etc, really kind of them both :)

Its shocking how much exhaustion throw everything out of whack!

Good to hear that OP!