Your parents generation - gifts/money

[Lwrenagain]

Not aibu more a general question, however I never find anyone very chatty in chat. Or I'm just a massively boring bellend. Anyway.

Myself and DP just had a chat about our parents and friends around our age parents and we aren't sure if this is a generational thing or just a poor area thing. So I'd like your opinions.

We find our parents are generous, providing they're choosing what to buy, as where grandparents are happy to gift some money. I'm not talking huge for MN circles amounts, tops £50 which for our circles is extremely generous and very gratefully received.

So say one of our parents has a bit of financial gain, maybe a refunded bill, bit of a bonus at work etc, they'd not say, "here you are lass, £20 quid buy the kids something", but instead would buy £20 worth of things for the kids, usually sweets etc or for Christmas would never ask what we wanted, instead just choose bits and pieces, even though we could heavily hint what we'd like. (Eg a nice bathbomb from lush or a book from waterstones, nothing that can't be picked up locally or delivered, certainly nothing excessive. Although if my mam does ever read this, I cannae stress this enough to you mam, EDIBLE GIFTS PLEASE 😂)
But instead our parents and pals parents also seem to love the little shopping buzz of buying us things that often won't get used due to allergies or something, or when it comes to grandchildrens gifts just aren't things that they're interested in.

My friends DC are still being bought paw patrol things despite being year 7. They've repeatedly mentioned, kindly, to their DGP that they're getting older now, DGP aren't older GPs etc, they just don't want to gift other things and there is only so much "thanks nan, haven't had a new paw patrol lunchbox for a few months now" kids can do without seeming to be rude.

My mum smelt amazing last time I saw her, I told her I loved her perfume, "thanks, nana gave me some cash to treat myself!" So I strongly hinted I'd love to choose a perfume for my birthday, emphasis on choose, so she bought me a few box sets of body spray which cost more than the perfume she had on and triggered my eczema. But she loves buying things and I couldn't ever upset her to be arsey over it, even though she knows I can't use body sprays or certain bath stuff.

I suspect that they enjoy choosing gifts to make the gift it's self seem bigger than receiving a single item, such as a bottle of Britneys finest or the latest Marian Keyes is one gift as opposed to the 3 boxes of gift sets.

Now grandparents, they're the real prezzie heroes, you get either vouchers or cash from them, they're like, "go ham, here's 30 quid to spoil the kids with, buy them a fuckload of E numbers and playdoh, have a riot girl".

So is it a growing up being skint thing, is it consumerism and enjoying the spending?
They're the same with the kids as I say, one of my kids is autistic so has very specific interests. Both DGP will say, "what shall I get the neuro spicy one?" To which I'll send an a few links, they all use amazon or ebay, again and I can't stress enough, they're not being tight because they spend more on their choices, but I'll send a link of something he'd enjoy and appreciate massively, even if it's under a fiver, and they'll just ignore it and buy him something he won't even remotely acknowledge (he's quite severe asd, not a rude little shit), but they just can't cope with not choosing.

Anyone else's parents like this? Are my pals and partner and I just alone on our island of unusable gifts that do admittedly, come wrapped lovely.

Can’t recognise this in my family or DH’s. I imagine it’s entirely personal preference rather than generational - just as any MN wedding thread will be a divide of people relieved at not having to go shopping when the couple ask for cash gifts, and those who state that if faced with such a request they’ll always actively ignore it and waste money on some unwanted tat gift instead.

My husband used to believe that vouchers/money showed a lack of thought and always wanted to buy gifts because that was his own preference- he would always rather have a 'proper' gift than money. Over time though, he's come to realise that it's what the person getting the gift wants that matters even if that is not what he would prefer!

Might your parents have similar feelings?

ETA My husband hates shopping, so that's not a factor.

No I don't think there is anything specifically generational about what you're complaining about.

My mum buys lovely gifts for the DC and the odd time she asks then she will buy my suggestion.
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with not asking though, if you're buying a little gift for a friend do you ask what they need?

DP and I don't drink alcohol, he never has been too keen and I stopped about 13 years ago.
We get a bottle of sparkling wine from my mum and Southern Comfort from DPiLs every Christmas. 😂
I can't tell you how much I'd prefer a pack of 9 loo rolls and a box of Yorkshire tea 😂

I give my older grandchildren money, but always try to find a few inexpensive gifts to open. I ask the parents of the younger one what he would like.

Makes sense to me. My father thinks that cash or vouchers are "impersonal" and so will spend shitloads on a gifts that he's given a lot of thought, but is just not quite right. I had a big birthday this year and he got me a ££££ and very lovely item that is just not me. It's still in its box. Grandparents prefer giving cash.

I've definitely seen this. my mum was horrified when we put on our wedding invites that if anyone did want to gift, to contribute for our honeymoon, that's been the case at every wedding I've been to so i didn't think anything of it.

It depends actually, so my friends birthday/Christmas the friends I buy for have certain things I know they want because they're things they want to buy themselves but won't as they're quite indulgent purchases for themselves.
If they've had a baby or something I'll ask what they need and then just get flowers.

It's lovely he puts the thought in ♥️ @Cumberbiatch

I couldn't not just stick cash in a card, i really don't know how many picture frames any newly weds need.

I understand here people find money tacky, but the tradition of wedding gifts was when couples didn't live together and every married couple I know have been together long enough to own a set of pans, I'd rather they had cash to spoil themselves on the honeymoon 😂

My parents give us money £100 to £150 per child / child in law and each grandkids and step kids so I honestly can’t complain !

Amazing! I've got 4 kids so I'd never expect anything like that but I bet you're made up! That's a decent result 😂

My mum (60) loves nosing around charity shops and buys my son loads of second hand toys, books and clothes. She also set up an investment account for him not long after his birth and puts €100 a month into it although I tried hard to talk her out of it. I won't accept money from her so she's stopped trying and my son is only 2 so too young to receive money directly. She buys me Estee Lauder makeup for every occasion because she knows that's what I wear and I'm hard to buy for. I'm always begging her not to spend money on us, we're very comfortable whereas her and my father are living on fairly small pensions. She's very frugal and sensible with money and loves finding bargains but very generous.

I think this may just be a personal preference thing, rather than a class thing or a generational thing. Dh and I both quite middle class. Both get cash gifts and also useless plastic tat from parents and grandparents. I think it's really down to if they feel keen to shop for something or not at any given moment. I think some of it may be down to how accessible shops are. Dh's grandparents (in their mid-90s) give cash because they are too frail to go to the shops. Our parents generation may give cash if not been to the shops (we all live quite rurally, shopping is a big effort) or will send something via Amazon if they can find it there. There is very little nosying about the shops going on in our families.

We have one set of GP's who give money (great!) and one set who buy random reduced stuff throughout the year and divvy it up amongst the grandchildren. So each child gets random crap, not gifts that are personal/special to them. Or one of those shit gift cards that you have to register, check the balance and use in an obscure shop 30 miles away.

My GPs are long gone now, my mum prefers to give a gift plus some money if it’s under her spending limit and the gift bit is almost always no use to me or the kids. I’ve told her not to worry before now but I think she just likes to shop. My MIL is happy to give money as she lives in a care home and can’t get out, and tells me to get something and let her know what it was. This is much more useful!
I always put money in cards or bank transfer for my nieces and nephews. They live in different places and their interests change all the time, so it’s much easier and we’re all happy!
Plus I’m basically lazy.
So it’s probably more a person thing than a generation thing, I guess.

I love the charity shops and bargains! All our clothes are from vinted etc except for my eldest who's really into a certain fashion style (he isn't, but think gymhead drug dealer 😂) so he has to use birthday/Christmas for his North face clad arse.

Hes asked for Christmas for a £300 bottle of aftershave, which I've said he can have £150 towards and he can ask his DF for the rest because £300 for a bottle of creed i think its called, isn't possible for us.

But I'd rather listen to what it is he does want than give him ten cans of lynx, which is what my mam would do 😂

Haha. My mum buys me a bottle of prosecco and a box of after eights every Christmas. I only drink red wine and have never liked after eights. She also offers my brother a chicken dinner every time she sees him despite the fact he's been a vegan since he was 15.

She puts money in for the kids now, although she used to buy them really high end clothes for Christmas and birthdays when they were small. Not gifts chosen in terms of how much they would enjoy them, but in terms of how much she enjoyed buying them. She did try buying athleisure for all the GDs a few years ago and bought really nice pieces all in the wrong sizes and not to the wearers tastes.

I'm not sure this is a generational thing or a class thing, I think she's just a bit weird.

Your username 🥺💐♥️

Your MiL sounds lovely. We're NC with mine sadly, but one year she sent us half a tub of celebrations and had, no lie, taken out the maltesers and galaxy's.
That isn't why we're NC but I'm still salty.
They're the best ones!
My FiL and wife send us booze and we're a teetotal household. They know this 😂
But it's never half of bottle so I'd not grumble!

It amazes me no matter how long a child from a meat eating family stops eating meat, that the family behave like its a fad. Like after 20 years they're still asking do they want a bacon butty 🙈

As a gran I usually send money but my daughter spends mad amounts buying me presents I will never use. For example designer bags and clothes that don't fit, expensive make up and scent which I don't wear and various kitchen equipment which at my advanced age I don't need .

I sometimes think this is they get the dopamine hit of spending and can "see " something for the money and feel like they are doing a good thing for you. I know my parents when they were alive preferred to gift things rather than straight cash - same for similar generation rellies.

So would far rather pay for say a cheapish dishwasher than give me the cash and let me add to it to get one that will last better. I was starting to get through to them - or at least learning how to approach this - so when Dad would ask if there was anything I needed etc I would say well I am putting a bit of money aside for x, I want to get one to last so not the basic model etc. But I should be good to get it in a couple of months etc. And he would come back and say if I give you x towards it will that help you get it now? And thats how we got round it - but I would have to prep him to do that it didn't just happen etc, so they get the thrill of helping you look for best deal and choose etc even though they may only be paying half say.

Mum was the same - she would always buy her taste (actually quite modern, often more so than me and my house) unless I was very specific.

Both gone now and I miss em just for the little things.

My MIL bought every toy known to man. Must of spent upwards of 5k I reckon by the time she reigned it in. My partner couldn’t and wouldn’t stop her and I figured out in the end that it was giving her pleasure. So I’m going to guess it’s the same with your family. They are enjoying having the ability to treat you/your kids but part of the treat for them is choosing abd buying the items.

My Mum has an odd obsession with not giving money or gift cards, to the end that she used to turn herself inside out trying to find something for my teenage cousins years back. Weirdly now she will happily give my DC cash. But she buys me some random stuff considering she knows me well enough to know what I like.

I don’t think about what people buy/don’t buy or wish it were money. It’s up to the giver what they give. If it makes them happy to do so, that’s a valid reason. A very fussy relative of mine sent back a present to another relative saying their child didn’t like it which I personally think is far worse than a thoughtless gift (which it wasn’t anyway, anyone else would have been pleased to receive it).