Your parents generation - gifts/money

[Lwrenagain]

Not aibu more a general question, however I never find anyone very chatty in chat. Or I'm just a massively boring bellend. Anyway.

Myself and DP just had a chat about our parents and friends around our age parents and we aren't sure if this is a generational thing or just a poor area thing. So I'd like your opinions.

We find our parents are generous, providing they're choosing what to buy, as where grandparents are happy to gift some money. I'm not talking huge for MN circles amounts, tops £50 which for our circles is extremely generous and very gratefully received.

So say one of our parents has a bit of financial gain, maybe a refunded bill, bit of a bonus at work etc, they'd not say, "here you are lass, £20 quid buy the kids something", but instead would buy £20 worth of things for the kids, usually sweets etc or for Christmas would never ask what we wanted, instead just choose bits and pieces, even though we could heavily hint what we'd like. (Eg a nice bathbomb from lush or a book from waterstones, nothing that can't be picked up locally or delivered, certainly nothing excessive. Although if my mam does ever read this, I cannae stress this enough to you mam, EDIBLE GIFTS PLEASE 😂)
But instead our parents and pals parents also seem to love the little shopping buzz of buying us things that often won't get used due to allergies or something, or when it comes to grandchildrens gifts just aren't things that they're interested in.

My friends DC are still being bought paw patrol things despite being year 7. They've repeatedly mentioned, kindly, to their DGP that they're getting older now, DGP aren't older GPs etc, they just don't want to gift other things and there is only so much "thanks nan, haven't had a new paw patrol lunchbox for a few months now" kids can do without seeming to be rude.

My mum smelt amazing last time I saw her, I told her I loved her perfume, "thanks, nana gave me some cash to treat myself!" So I strongly hinted I'd love to choose a perfume for my birthday, emphasis on choose, so she bought me a few box sets of body spray which cost more than the perfume she had on and triggered my eczema. But she loves buying things and I couldn't ever upset her to be arsey over it, even though she knows I can't use body sprays or certain bath stuff.

I suspect that they enjoy choosing gifts to make the gift it's self seem bigger than receiving a single item, such as a bottle of Britneys finest or the latest Marian Keyes is one gift as opposed to the 3 boxes of gift sets.

Now grandparents, they're the real prezzie heroes, you get either vouchers or cash from them, they're like, "go ham, here's 30 quid to spoil the kids with, buy them a fuckload of E numbers and playdoh, have a riot girl".

So is it a growing up being skint thing, is it consumerism and enjoying the spending?
They're the same with the kids as I say, one of my kids is autistic so has very specific interests. Both DGP will say, "what shall I get the neuro spicy one?" To which I'll send an a few links, they all use amazon or ebay, again and I can't stress enough, they're not being tight because they spend more on their choices, but I'll send a link of something he'd enjoy and appreciate massively, even if it's under a fiver, and they'll just ignore it and buy him something he won't even remotely acknowledge (he's quite severe asd, not a rude little shit), but they just can't cope with not choosing.

Anyone else's parents like this? Are my pals and partner and I just alone on our island of unusable gifts that do admittedly, come wrapped lovely.

Your grandparents give cash.

Your parents hated receiving cash and thought it was impersonal, thoughtless and lazy. They vowed never to do that to their own children and that they would instead spend time choosing and wrapping thoughtful gifts.

If you want cash you'll have to spell it out and convince them that you really mean it and are not just suggesting it because you think it'll be easier for them.

I know a lot of people think this attitude is ungrateful and grabby, but your example demonstrates that 'gift giving' in this instance is more about the giver than the receiver. So it's selfish and thoughtless, and what's the point in that?

I look after lots of children, I ask them what they want. If they can't decide I get them a voucher for Amazon or a shop I know they frequent.

I also appreciate when people ask me what I'd like (and listen), I'd much rather nothing than something I won't use.

My mum usually gave me cash to choose presents for the children. She really hated shopping and would get in a tizz so her approach was great.
I ask daughter what to get granddaughter and then I add a couple of small extra presents ie jigsaw,colouring books etc .

Gifts can be a tool through which to show love or, sadly, toxicity.

I have experience of being repeatedly gifted things containing a known and obviously labelled (in big letters on the front) allergen - it's deliberate.

Hate giving cash - so transactional. Would also like to think the cash went to something that the recipient wouldn't have normally bought rather than straight into the housekeeping money. Don't like receiving cash either. I want to be able to look at something in my daily life and think "so-and-so gave me that".

Even worse at Christmas, I give them £50, they give me £50. What's the point? We avoid the tat by circulating lists beforehand, lots of suggestions, so it's still a surprise, but you stray from the list at your peril! I can stray for DH, but I wouldn't stray for adult DC.

My mil is like this & I don't understand it at all. It's purely about gift buying for her & not the recipient.

We just smile, say thanks & flog stuff on eBay or Vinted.

I've got older teens now & 2 years ago she bought loads of clothes that were wrong sizes & refused to give gift receipts. Youngest didn't want to upset her so said nothing when she asked. Older one asked if he could return them as they didn't fit. She took him in January & traipsed round the sales returning each item as didn't have his size.

Last year, she gave them oodie type hoodie & cash I'd like to think she learned but we'll see lol

I'd never just ask purely because if it's something they enjoy doing, choosing things, then I'd not deny that.
Weirdly I can remember a massive argument between my DM and DGM when I was about 9 because DM (very much loved, but an absolute spoilt horror she can be) had a massive row because DGM bought her a new kettle and set of saucepans. Ironically I'd be made up with new pans. Mine are so old they remember Andy Pandy on the telly.
Anyway DM kicked off royally.
That one occasion absolutely traumatised me so I'd never in a million years cause conflict.
Despite being allergic to almost everything I'm given 🙈

If you have a local post office or collection point or somewhere you'd be comfortable sharing an address, I'll send you a gift x

My mum seems to have got worse with presents as they've got older. I used to be able to write a list of specific suggestions and they'd chose some surprises from it, but now its definitely about quantity and having things to open rather than what will be appreciated. They don't have much spare money so have a set small budget per child/grandchild, but she buys things throughout the year from charity shops, usually with no one in mind and then just decides come Christmas who it's for (regardless of how appropriate it is).

She sometimes asks for ideas (presumably it the gift cupboard is empty) but definitely doesn't like to gift vouchers or be given specific requests (e.g my brother dared ask for a specific model of a dish rack last Christmas - presumably as he needed one and it fit their space and aesthetic and I heard no end of grumbles that they could have got him one for a fiver and bought some other stuff). It makes you feel very unappreciative, but genuinely I don't want them to spend money they don't have on things I don't want, but don't know how to get that through to them without looking ungrateful.

I almost always end up with something I can't use/eat as it's not vegan (have been for over 10 years so it's not new!), but if I mention it contains milk or whatever to avoid a repeat again, it's met with a bad reaction (and I'm always polite about it!)

Another one whose parents felt cash and vouchers were impersonal. Very much the thought rather than the value.

We have very similar issues here 🙈

My in laws are like this. They've openly said before, they give the gift they want to buy.

They rarely if ever ask if there's anything the DC would like for christmas, as a result they have simply wasted tons of money over the years buying duplicates, things that arent age appropriate, poor quality versions of things the DC already have, clothes that don't fit etc.

I always assumed it was because they are and always have been, very well off and don't seem to mind or acknowledge wasted money. Whereas my parents, and my grandparents generation watched every penny and couldn't stand waste.

Imho people who give non-money gifts tend to do it as they get a dopamine hit out of the shopping. It’s about making themself feel good, not the person on the receiving end.

People who gift money are far more concerned about the recipient than themself.

I hate receiving money. It doesn't make me think that the giver cares about me, but that they couldn't be bothered thinking about what I would like. It is so generic and impersonal.

Its good to know it's not just my family but I'm afraid I don't have any solutions! I did try being really specific but where they might still have a bit of choice a few birthdays back but it didn't get listened to

It's a shame because birthdays and Christmases just end up feeling stressful, and about managing feelings of others rather than appreciating the love everyone is giving by wanting to give you something.