DP is projecting his past onto 4yo DD

[DD4yrs1]

DP was bullied as a child/teen and as a result he is hypersensitive to perceived criticism and quick to take offence. He has mentioned the bullying alot over the years and has been unable to move past it, perhaps understandably, however we are coming up against things like this and it's becoming a much bigger issue than it otherwise would be and I'm conscious of the impact it will have on our own daughter who is 4.

He has smelly feet, it is a fact and something he acknowledges himself. He showers daily, wears clean socks daily, washes his feet specifically, uses foot powder etc but sometimes there is still a slight smell.

DD being a typical 4 year old sometimes points it out when she's in close contact with his feet, EG when he's helping her get ready for school, and instead of laughing it off he gets so offended and I dare say immature.

This morning all within ear shot of DD he has said she can take herself to school, she obviously doesn't like him, she's reminding him of being back at school being bullied.

It's not only DD either, he has reached similarly when his older DC has said something harmless

"He obviously doesn't like me, don't bother coming then" etc.

I've spoken to him about it and he fails to see that what he's doing could be tantamount to emotional abuse.

My POV is that he's n adult and should be responding as one.

From his POV, he's offended and he wants everybody to know about it and sees nothing wrong in how he behaves when offended

As a side, I have spoken to DD about how sometimes it's not very nice to point out certain things as it could hurt somebodies feelings (for example if somebody looks or smells different etc) but I say that with other children in mind mainly, not a man of almost 40 who should be able to roll his eyes and let it go over his head.

AIBU here?

My POV is that he's n adult and should be responding as one.

Yes he should he is the parent/adult in the situation. Getting huffy and saying they don't like him is immature and a tad pathetic IMO

Slightly off topic, but get him some hibiscrub if you can manage it without starting a row. If he washes his feet with it regularly, it is very likely to help.

You have a complete handle on the situation. Now you need to figure out what to do about it. Your DH is behaving emotionally abusively towards his child, he has done it with his older children, it is because it is triggering a childhood issue for him but that is for the adult to deal with not the 4 year old. And yes of course you teach your child not to be pass remarkable which you are already doing so there is nothing further for you to do, it is all on him now.

Yes that’s emotionally abusive. Has he ever had therapy? Might be a good time to start.

That's exactly how I feel about it.

DD has said plenty to me that could be taken the wrong way if she were an adult and not a 4yo. EG the fact I have a "funny" tummy after having children and asking if all mummy's have "big bums" like me 😂

Obviously if a stranger in the street pointed out my fat backside I would likely take offence but 4yo's are so innocent for the most part and he knows she means no harm, she's such a loving and kind little girl - she got an acts of kindness award before half term she's that nice. Bless her.

Yes you are right. Really horrible to accuse a child of not liking you because of something they said. My emotionally abusive mother used to say that all the time to me 'I know you hate me' if I did or said anything she perceived as criticism or even negative in any way.
She was deeply emotionally immature.
What is your husband going to do when DD hits her teens and starts being moody? Its going to be a nightmare. He needs to get a grip and act like an adult starting now. He is responsible for his own emotions not his young children.

I thought you were going to say he’s extra sensitive to perceived criticisms by others of DD given his background, not that he’s actually threatening his own children in a bullying way. That’s totally unacceptable, as you say.

I actually have some of that! Great idea. Normal soap and shower gels just don't cut it unfortunately. I'll suggest he uses that.

He’s perpetuating emotional abuse down to your children. Unacceptable.

The issue isnt his Feet, its probably his shoes, he should have few pair so wear a pair one day, leave them to breathe next day wear other pair day after leave to breathe etc
Once my ex did this his feet smelled heaps better.

Unfortunately not no and he's completely against having any. He doesn't see the point in counselling and "telling a stranger his business" as he puts it. I've encouraged him to give it a try plenty over the years but he won't be budged. Perhaps it's time for an ultimatum now it's began to have an impact on the children.

He needs some therapy to get past his childhood trauma, if it’s affecting him to this extent. It won’t magically get better on its own, I’m afraid, and since he clearly has quite deep-rooted problems, it will need professional input.

People who are constantly waiting to be offended are so exhausting.

He needs to see that his reactions are affecting his household and family negatively, and himself, and book himself some counselling sessions so he has a more mature way of dealing with life.

Athletes foot is what we found really caused ds's feet to smell. Is it possible he has that? It's pretty easily treated. The other game changer was wearing liner socks that wick away sweat and keep his feet dry, we found Mountain Warehouse Isocool Liner Socks that you can get from Amazon to make a huge difference.

DH is reacting in an emotionally immature way, dd is just saying the facts as children have a tendency to do. He need to react in the way you do explaining that he knows his feet smell but he's trying to do something about it and it hurts his feelings when she keeps mentioning it. This can just be explained gently and will be a good teaching point for her.

He probably has athletes foot. Some over the counter anti fungal like canesten works wonders.

If he is this sensitive it is probably just a question of time until he finds the next thing that will upset him.

At some age children need to learn that there are consequences to saying things that other people find hurtful.

What age do you think that should be OP?

His other child must be older but you think that's still too young an age.... what age would be suitable then?

He shouldn’t be responding like that but I think your daughter is old enough to learn that some things don’t get mentioned because they hurt peoples feelings. Someone’s body shape and smelly feet being two prime examples.

Athletes foot is possible, though he thinks it's down to the fact that he's always on his feet (working a physical job)

I'm on a late start today so could nip to the chemist before work and get something anti fungal.

I do think it's important children are taught to be mindful of other people's feelings and that's why I've already had that talk with DD. Even so, I think his reaction is disproportionate.

Edited to add - he could have taken the opportunity to remind her about being kind to others and not mentioning certain things which might hurt feelings which is what most people would have done IMO. Ofc I don't want her to go around upsetting people but he needs to remember she's only 4, not infallible and sometimes might need a gentle reminder. She's still learning.

I had athletes foot in the past, and it worked well. It did get triggered by walking a lot, but the creams worked nontheless. My DB has it too and is too lazy to use anti funfal cream. His feet smell so bad that you can sometimes smell them while he has shoes on. The smell is nauseating. I hope This works for your DH

Definitely sounds like he would benefit from counselling OP. But if he won’t do that would he read a book? The book you wish your parents had read by Philippa Perry was a revelation for me on this issue- talks about how when your children make you angry or upset it’s really worth examining what they are triggering in you and thinking about that, otherwise your reactions will damage your relationship with them.

I feel for your DH. Being bullied as a child is a genuine trauma and distorted my adult relationships for a long time too, but it’s so important you don’t project these things onto kids, it’s part of your job as a parent to sort yourself out emotionally enough that you don’t inflict harm on them.

Bullying is awful and traumatic, obviously, and has a lasting effect, so I'm sorry he went through that.

However, he really does need to grow up. He is an adult and a parent and it is hugely unfair for him to expect his interactions with his children to be governed by his own hyper-sensitivities. He's being emotionally manipulative and self-obsessed, and the children must feel like they're walking on eggshells all the time.

That might be OK if he wasn't constantly foisting "his business" onto you and his children.

By the way, all the advice about fixing his smelly feet is not going to solve the problem. If it wasn't that it would be something else. It's normal for families to joke around with each other and if he's bothered by a four-year-old saying 'Urrggh, stinky feet!' then I imagine there are many, many harmless things he's going to take issue with. Most kids will at various points harmlessly rib their parents over things (eg terrible dad-dancing at weddings, pop culture cluelessness, rubbish cooking or whatever) and your husband isn't going to cope with that, from the sound of it. The problem here is the projection, not the feet.

I suspect an awful lot of people have suffered bullying as children, admittedly to varying degrees. Many of us get past it by reflecting on the fact that we are now living happy lives with our families (if we are) and frankly there's a good chance that the bullies aren't, because inherently unpleasant people don't tend to develop good relationships. I'm a believer in the view that the best revenge is living well, and that applies in relation to bullying: those bitches who used to bully me would hate to see me as I am now.

Is there any chance of getting your husband to take that sort of viewpoint? As matters stand he is still letting the bullies spoil his life, and it's now extending to his children. If you can't persuade him, a counsellor may well be able to.

He needs to get therapy before he fucks up his kids far worse than bullying affected him. If he maintains his position that he won't have any then you have to ask yourself if he is the bully your children need protecting from.

Yes, children say inappropriate things. Sometimes hurtful things.

But you don't respond like he is doing. You admonish and correct them in an appropriate way and if he is incapable of doing that then he is going to create damage worse than he has because being treated badly by a parent screws you up FAR more than getting bullied by other kids.

I was bullied so badly I tried to kill myself more than once. I would never ever use that as an excuse to mistreat my children and if I did I would hope my husband would tell me to fuck right off with that shit.