DP is projecting his past onto 4yo DD

[DD4yrs1]

DP was bullied as a child/teen and as a result he is hypersensitive to perceived criticism and quick to take offence. He has mentioned the bullying alot over the years and has been unable to move past it, perhaps understandably, however we are coming up against things like this and it's becoming a much bigger issue than it otherwise would be and I'm conscious of the impact it will have on our own daughter who is 4.

He has smelly feet, it is a fact and something he acknowledges himself. He showers daily, wears clean socks daily, washes his feet specifically, uses foot powder etc but sometimes there is still a slight smell.

DD being a typical 4 year old sometimes points it out when she's in close contact with his feet, EG when he's helping her get ready for school, and instead of laughing it off he gets so offended and I dare say immature.

This morning all within ear shot of DD he has said she can take herself to school, she obviously doesn't like him, she's reminding him of being back at school being bullied.

It's not only DD either, he has reached similarly when his older DC has said something harmless

"He obviously doesn't like me, don't bother coming then" etc.

I've spoken to him about it and he fails to see that what he's doing could be tantamount to emotional abuse.

My POV is that he's n adult and should be responding as one.

From his POV, he's offended and he wants everybody to know about it and sees nothing wrong in how he behaves when offended

As a side, I have spoken to DD about how sometimes it's not very nice to point out certain things as it could hurt somebodies feelings (for example if somebody looks or smells different etc) but I say that with other children in mind mainly, not a man of almost 40 who should be able to roll his eyes and let it go over his head.

AIBU here?

He actually sounds really horrible. Sorry op. Does he bring any joy to you/your daughter? I was bullied at school, and the effects do last a lifetime, but it didn't make me an emotionally stunted, passive aggressive arse, which is what your partner seems to be. I'm afraid I would have had it out with him the first time I heard him pulling the 'everyone hates me' shite with his other child. What he's doing is deliberately making his children feel dreadful, it's going to have a very damaging effect on them and their relationship with him over time. Poor kids.

Of course he's in the wrong, if it's impacting your children he needs to seek counselling.
As an aside I have a tendency to smelly feet, no athlete's foot. I wash my dry feet with neat shower gel, then rinse, washing then with a soapy flannel doesn't cut it. I only have washable slipper socks. I never put shoes on with slightly smelt feet, always walk them first so I keep my shoes fresh.

The fact that he's sensitive about his feet is not the issue - I can understand that. And it's perfectly okay to tell DD, even at 4, that making those sort of comments might hurt his feelings.

But the emotional guilt tripping and bullying is not okay.

"DD, it's very unkind to mention my feet smell because I've told you before I am very frustrated by that." - fine.

"You obviously hate me, I'm just going to leave now and go into another room and not talk to you for the rest of the day" - emotionally abusive.

I second the suggestion for the Philippa Perry book (the book you wish your parents had read)
You're right op

@DD4yrs1

OP, if he refuses therapy then you need to get tough. My mother's unhappy life became mine by default and now I'm older I realise the impact it had on me. We've all had to deal with nasty things in life (some worse than others I know) but the world doesn't revolve around us or owe us anything. I'm afraid your DH needs a kick up the backside.

YANBU. Kids say silly things without realising the hurt they may cause and it’s our responsibility to help them learn what’s appropriate and not appropriate.

Through this behaviour, he’s not teaching them about boundaries - he’s using them as a child sized emotional punchbag for his unresolved trauma and insecurities. That’s not ok and he needs to resolve it or he’ll pass those traumas and insecurities onto his kids.

Also, I have to wonder - does he use this sort of emotional guilt tripping on you ? It seems unusual that he's only emotionally abusing the children. Do you find yourself policing your comments in case he overreacts? Or avoiding all sorts of topics?

He's clearly learned along the line that adopting a victim position gives him victim power, which ends up with him behaving like a bully while hiding behind the victim veil.

Perhaps you need to have a serious talk with him: something along the lines of

'I need an adult to share my life with and parent with. I don't want to spend my life with an adult man who behaves like a little boy and wants everyone to see him as a victim. I don't think it's a helpful or healthy way to live your life, looking for offence all the time, and I'd like you to have some therapy to see if you can find a way through this. I'll come with you if necessary. Because frankly when I see you refusing to take our daughter to school because she noticed that your feet smell, I see controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour. Adults need to be able to rise above their childish feelings and be adults for their children. This is becoming a really serious issue for me and I don't know what's going to happen with us if you don't address it soon. I have to put DD first. I can't stand by and watch you behave like this to her.'

I think CBT might be really useful in this situation and fortunately it can work quite quickly, over a short number of sessions. I can also recommend hibiscrub.

So we have yet another man who thinks and expects the world (and especially his family) to revolve around his feelings and needs. And kicks off if you don't obey. A man who feels entitled enough to go around stinking but expects nobody to say anything. Personally I would rather a loved one tell me I smell so I can do something about it.

If he is that sensitive about his feet then he needs to do something about it, eg pharmacist or GP although I agree with pp regarding athletes foot and/or alternative shoes. He also needs to remember a 4yr is physically closer to his feet at all times. If he is 6ft tall then his nose will usually be 4-6ft away unlike hers.

Does he emotionally shut you down too? Are you all walking on eggshells around him waiting for his next moody moment?

The feet are a red herring because he reacts badly to the slightest comment about anything that he perceives as criticism.

OP this is emotional abuse because he's bullying DD. Have you pointed that out to him? He's subjecting her to what he experienced at school. What's his response?

But if he won't change his behaviour and won't get help then it's time to split up for your daughter's sake.