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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I right to feel taken for granted.

29 replies

maria57 · 30/10/2023 20:46

Dropped what I was doing and helped a friend out when needed
She was going to come and pick me up as we live a fair distance away from each other.
Two days before she decided she was not up to the driving
She asked me how much it would cost me to come by train...she weighed it up on the phone.
She then said to me ...You pay for your train fare and I will 'feed you' whilst at mine... Like she was doing me a favour!
I felt humiliated when I come off the phone and was going to cancel. But went along rather than let her down.
Am I right in believing if someone goes out their way to help you, travels a fair distance in doing so, pays for their own train fare (which was alot of money for me as I dont have that sort of money to play around with)...that it goes without saying you would 'feed them' and also reimburse the train fare?
I know I would...I would not leave anyone out of pocket if they went out their way to help me. Aso this person is quite well off.

OP posts:
Testina · 30/10/2023 20:50

She was rude, but you were a mug. Does she know the train fare was a significant amount for you?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/10/2023 20:52

You should have just said 'sorry I can't afford that'. I would distance myself from this person, she is V unreasonable.

paintingvenice · 30/10/2023 20:55

If you can’t drive then it’s up to you to make your way somewhere. For here to do a there and back (presumably twice) seems silly. You don’t have the expenses of running a car so you pay your own travel.

If you were driving to see someone unless they were cooking dinner you would pay your share of a takeaway or restaurant bill surely.

I think you were unreasonable expecting them to drive a “fair distance” you sound like you were adding to their woes rather than helping.

Testina · 30/10/2023 20:57

“You pay for your train fare and I will 'feed you' whilst at mine... Like she was doing me a favour!”

Do you think she saw it legitimately as more two friends getting together, than you riding to the rescue? Even if you were helping her out with something, it might have seemed to her that it was still more an excuse to get together.

Could be clutching at straws and she’s just rude though!

Neodymium · 30/10/2023 20:57

It depends what the help is, and if she asked you to help or you just offered.

batsandeggs · 30/10/2023 21:00

Expecting her to reimburse the train travel is a bit weird to be honest. If it was too much for you then you really just should have said so. When it comes to ’feeding’ a visitor - yes, if food is being made from what’s available but if we were getting takeaways or doing a food shop I’d offer to chip in. You sound a bit sensitive.

SpuddyMary · 30/10/2023 21:00

I'd have said in that case I can't go.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/10/2023 21:02

Why were you going and who suggested it? How long is the journey?

Shinyandnew1 · 30/10/2023 21:03

I felt humiliated when I come off the phone and was going to cancel. But went along rather than let her down

Well, you’re being a doormat then!

Testina · 30/10/2023 21:08

I wonder if the totting up train vs food actually shows that she does have some sense of what’s fair? (even if it doesn’t align with yours) It does acknowledge that you are due some kind of equalling over the train cost. Was it actually a fair trade? Not a £50 return for a cheese sandwich?

Ella31 · 30/10/2023 23:59

Why should she pay for your travel? Were you going to pay her petrol for the long distance to collect you? Either help a friend out of goodness or don't at all. Sorry but you seem petty.

Original poster
maria57 · 31/10/2023 09:00

Testina · 30/10/2023 20:50

She was rude, but you were a mug. Does she know the train fare was a significant amount for you?

I do feel like a mug...and yes she should know it was a significant amount of money for me to pay out as I am unable to work.and money is tight.

OP posts:
Original poster
maria57 · 31/10/2023 09:04

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/10/2023 20:52

You should have just said 'sorry I can't afford that'. I would distance myself from this person, she is V unreasonable.

I was stunned and embarrassed at the time. But you are right I should have let her know I could not afford that.

OP posts:
Schlurp · 31/10/2023 09:12

You should have just said you couldn't afford it.

I do think it would be a bit odd to pay a friend's travel costs for them to visit me. Even if they were helping me out.

Maybe it has just turned out that your help is not "worth" the long trip for either of you. That's OK. I think feeling stunned and embarrassed that she didn't offer to cover your costs for visiting her is an overreaction.

Original poster
maria57 · 31/10/2023 09:12

paintingvenice · 30/10/2023 20:55

If you can’t drive then it’s up to you to make your way somewhere. For here to do a there and back (presumably twice) seems silly. You don’t have the expenses of running a car so you pay your own travel.

If you were driving to see someone unless they were cooking dinner you would pay your share of a takeaway or restaurant bill surely.

I think you were unreasonable expecting them to drive a “fair distance” you sound like you were adding to their woes rather than helping.

She asked me for the help. Hence, why she suggested she would come and get me. Money is tight for me. The help I gave her was full on and exhausting...if she turned to a professional it would cost her treble the amount or more.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/10/2023 09:14

I agree with PP. I'd have just said 'oh no, shame you don't feel up to driving, I'll see you another time. And if she said I could get the train just 'no spare cash for the train, hope you get (whatever issue) sorted.

She 'didn't feel up to' driving. It's therefore perfectly acceptable to 'not be up for' getting the train

Thedm · 31/10/2023 09:15

Its your own fault for not saying no. How hard is it to say, “No, I don’t have much spare cash so can’t afford to spend it on train fare. If you still want my help then you can come get me or buy my ticket. I do want to help you but I just can’t afford it.”

You agreed. If you behave like that then you’ve only yourself to blame.

Hipnotised · 31/10/2023 09:15

YABU because she told you the deal in advance and you still went along with it.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/10/2023 09:20

I think some PP are being a bit harsh. I can see how it could easily happen that you'd agreed to help and then the boundaries were changed but you felt uncomfortable to then say no, it's always easy with hindsight to say 'oh you should have just'

As a good friend presumably she knows your circumstances and shouldn't have expected you to pay out to come and help her and she shouldn't have made feeding you sound like a favour, that should be a given.

Original poster
maria57 · 31/10/2023 09:23

Schlurp · 31/10/2023 09:12

You should have just said you couldn't afford it.

I do think it would be a bit odd to pay a friend's travel costs for them to visit me. Even if they were helping me out.

Maybe it has just turned out that your help is not "worth" the long trip for either of you. That's OK. I think feeling stunned and embarrassed that she didn't offer to cover your costs for visiting her is an overreaction.

This was not a visit...it was full on work getting her out of a situation she has caused herself.
The help was very much worth it for her and very much what she would not do for me.
We are two different people obviously and under the circumstances I would not see a friend out of pocket fot it.

OP posts:
Original poster
maria57 · 31/10/2023 09:25

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/10/2023 09:20

I think some PP are being a bit harsh. I can see how it could easily happen that you'd agreed to help and then the boundaries were changed but you felt uncomfortable to then say no, it's always easy with hindsight to say 'oh you should have just'

As a good friend presumably she knows your circumstances and shouldn't have expected you to pay out to come and help her and she shouldn't have made feeding you sound like a favour, that should be a given.

Thank you...you are spot on xx

OP posts:
Thedm · 31/10/2023 09:30

Even if you could say it on the phone at the time, because it can be hard to say things in person, you could have sent a text afterwards just saying you’d thought about it and looked at your budget and couldn’t afford it.

Im sorry but this really was on you. No one was there forcing you. You willingly did it, knowing she wouldn’t help you in similar circumstances. Get a back bone.

Thedm · 31/10/2023 09:30

*couldnt

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 31/10/2023 09:42

I'd have told her 'that's fine, but I'll have to invoice you at my usual rate for the work'.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 31/10/2023 10:00

I'm guessing in her mind if you were at home you'd still have to feed yourself, so if you use that money that you're not spending to buy the train fare then you've not spent anymore.

Problem is that firstly, she probably has no idea what you spend on food as if she has more money then she can spend in more expensive food and secondly, that attitude for someone who is doing full in work still stinks! (Although not quite as much if she thinks you're out of pocket and is ok with that.)

What worries me is that she had initially never planned on paying for your food, so you could have REALLY been out of pocket if she had charged you for your half of an expensive food shop or for some takeaways.

You now know that this is a very mercenary friend and to take care of what you offer in the future. Only see her if it suits you, and don't put yourself out for her in any way.