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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To upgrade the kids too?

71 replies

Jessforless · 30/10/2023 15:22

Long story short, I suffer from terrible claustrophobia and last week had a panic attack on a plane and the very lovely cabin crew put me in the jump seat for most of the remaining flight. This has led to me saying I’m done, I don’t see myself flying again. (I am having therapy for this.)

We have a holiday long haul booked for next year and I’m already panicking about it. Obviously I might be ‘better’ by then, I hope so. Other than that my DH said he would upgrade me to business with points and I’ll have more room and no one reclining in my face. (This and the combined trolley beside me caused the panic attack)

This is so lovely and I do appreciate it but I wouldn’t want to fly by myself, and thought actually, what a lovely treat for the kids, maybe as a one off, let’s go halves and all upgrade. (2 DC, and they have always wanted to do it.)

DH is saying no, they don’t need it, it’s a waste of money (points wouldn’t cover it all, would need about 2/3k more I think for all.)

AIBU - I should just fly by myself… (if we do it)

YANBU - yes it’s a one off and will be a great treat and memory for them.

OP posts:
TigerRag · 30/10/2023 15:25

How old are DC?

Original poster
Jessforless · 30/10/2023 15:26

10 and 13.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 30/10/2023 15:29

Go on a cruise instead? No fly

Original poster
Jessforless · 30/10/2023 15:32

Definitely in the future but we’re combining this holiday with a family wedding so no choice on the destination this time unfortunately. (Although no issue with it 😄 nice destination.)

OP posts:
Nothanksthanksanyway · 30/10/2023 15:37

You are being offered an upgrade and some peace? Why ON EARTH would you want your kids to join you?

OP you are mental. Thank your DP very much and leave him and the kids to it!!!

MirandaGreenwood · 30/10/2023 15:38

Sorry you had that experience, OP.

But your DP is right, the kids don't need it and its a huge waste of money.

Get yourself a brilliant audio/book, download a good film and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Nothanksthanksanyway · 30/10/2023 15:38

Also to add, I first flew business class aged 6. It’s ruined me for life!!! Since then I’ve flown a mixture, but economy really feels even worse when you’ve experienced the other options!!

StillWantingADog · 30/10/2023 15:40

Totally enjoy the upgrade and peace and quiet while dh and kids are at the back of the bus. Without question. Assuming DH is happy with this!

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/10/2023 15:41

Waste of money. Enjoy the peace and quiet alone.

Schlurp · 30/10/2023 15:45

Just you. It'll be stressful for them being around when you're anxious. They'll be better off with their dad.

Original poster
Jessforless · 30/10/2023 15:45

DH 100% wouldn’t mind having them alone, neither would I. Before this became such an issue for me I flew with them alone several times when they were younger, and they’re easy ages now. I just thought we probably would never do this again and it would be exciting for them to do it. (I take the point about ruining economy for them forever though 😂)

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/10/2023 15:53

It's hard to say, it's a huge amount of money (to me) but I presume it's not such a huge amount to you or you wouldn't be considering it.

The only thing I'd say is that when I've had panic attacks, the tendency seems to be exacerbated by feeling that I have to be responsible for the DC and now this thing that I'm afraid of is happening and it seems to trigger some more primal part of me that doesn't trigger the same when I'm on my own.

And - does it solve the problem in a sustainable way? Or are you thinking that you just resolve never to fly again and so this would be a kind of last hurrah?

I'm wondering if the money might be better spent on a conquering fear of flying course? And/or you could look into medication options for the flight.

In terms of comfort/space but not all being separated, could you book bulkhead seats? Or book as a two in front two behind set up (one adult per row) so that you know the seat in front won't be reclined?

AhBiscuits · 30/10/2023 15:57

Not worth it IMO. It's just a flight, not a life changing experience for them.

TheBeesKnee · 30/10/2023 16:02

Your husband isn't treating you to first class, he's trying to help you with your claustrophobia. Presumably if you were not claustrophobic he wouldn't be upgrading you?

Leave the kids to it in economy.

Original poster
Jessforless · 30/10/2023 16:08

@BertieBotts I was leaning towards not going at all after last week happened but this trip has been booked for a couple of months, so it’s kind of a hurdle to get over.

Its not really a fear of flying as such, it’s being confined and affects me everywhere so I’ve always just lived with it, I’ve never had such a physical reaction like that on a plane before, it’s just been uncomfortable, but now it’s made me think I can’t do it.

I did think about the bulkhead seats but DH said kids aren’t allowed to sit there. (Might be wrong.)

And no, it’s definitely a lot of money to us, I guess I would feel a bit guilty to sit there when I know how much the DC would love to do it… and I can’t see myself booking more travel anytime soon.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 30/10/2023 16:13

it’s definitely a lot of money to us

Then I do think you’re being a bit daft. I’m not keen on flying. Is it nicer in business or first? Of course. But it’s still not nice in absolute terms. And you could do so much more in terms of treating the kids and (I loathe the phrase but can’t think of a better one here) making memories for them with that £3k.

Ellie1015 · 30/10/2023 16:13

And no, it’s definitely a lot of money to us, I guess I would feel a bit guilty to sit there when I know how much the DC would love to do it… and I can’t see myself booking more travel anytime soon.

I would feel more guilty about missing wedding or kids missing out on holiday/not having mum on holiday with them for family wedding than the seats. You have a medical need at this point it, if it gets you all the holiday you want go for it. No need to buy for kids.

BotterMon · 30/10/2023 16:16

No kids in allowed in bulkheads - adults only.

Just fly business on your own - what a lovely DP/DH you have!

theresnolimits · 30/10/2023 16:17

Honestly, it’s really not so exciting sitting there that it would be a wonderful experience for them and worth 2/3k. They’re smaller and more supple, so Economy isn’t as stressful for them. Plus if they’re anything like mine, it will be headphones on and films or gaming the whole way. And it’s not like they can benefit from the free alcohol.

So I’m with your DH on this especially if he’s happy to sit with them. For that money you can do a long weekend somewhere with them.

If, however, you don’t feel that you can face your fears travelling alone, how about some hypnotherapy before you go. Or medicate with something (some of my friends do this and it works). Up there in Business you can just nod off with no kids to worry about.

Original poster
Jessforless · 30/10/2023 16:17

He is completely lovely - but also think he was quite embarrassed with all the fuss on the plane 🫣 He’s pretty shy and doesn’t like attention.

OP posts:
MabelQ · 30/10/2023 16:27

@Jessforless “I do appreciate it but I wouldn’t want to fly by myself”

I think this is the key! When I don’t feel myself, unless it’s extremely dire, I don’t want to be alone. I personally would find it rather a party atmosphere - husband and children close by, plenty of room and no interruptions from other passengers. Perhaps a card game that could be feasibly played in your upgraded seats, as a family - or a movie you’d all join in watching. It would all help distract me!

I get horrible migraines at times that are intensely vision/feeling altering and often come with a pounding headache. Everyone assumes I want the bedroom door shut tightly and to be left in peace and quiet; I don’t, truly I don’t! I find it most helpful when the bedroom door is left cracked enough that I can hear the household going about their day, know that if I need something like a bucket or a sip of water they’ll be able to hear me when I call, and have something to distract me from what’s going on literally inside my own head. Isolating myself away from them helps my physical symptoms but unless I have something amazingly wonderful to listen to I spiral into my own head more deeply.

So if it’s financially possible, I entirely understand why spinning this need - which is quite probably making you feel higher maintenance or guilty! - into a fun family togetherness would not only be fun, but probably HELP your flight go smoothly. Not everyone likes to be alone when they are potentially concerned about having a challenging moment, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to visualize your family around you.

tanstaafl · 30/10/2023 16:31

Surely kids are allowed in bulkhead seats if they’re on either side of the plane?

tanstaafl · 30/10/2023 16:31

I mean the seats are at the sides, rather the 3 or 4 central seats

CatherinedeBourgh · 30/10/2023 16:35

Disappointed. I thought you were considering changing the kids for a newer model.

MuggleMe · 30/10/2023 16:35

Save your money. You might be able to swap seats with each of them for a bit? Think what amazing memories you could make with £2k rather than a seat with more leg room. Or save it for driving lessons or something they would actually appreciate.