I’m unhappy with the life I’ve created

[DowntonTrout]

Brief backstory. I’ve been through a really traumatic divorce. Ex H was having an affair. They had a secret child. He denied it to everyone and made out I was crazy. By the time the truth came out I had lost all my friends and felt I couldn’t forgive people for not believing me- even my grown up children who kept telling me “Dad wouldn’t do that.” Eventually truth about affairs and other women going back throughout our marriage came to light (27 years) I couldn’t bear to be around all the people who failed to be supportive anymore.I met someone lovely and moved away to start again where no one knows me. Now people say I’m the strongest person they know. I’m not.
I found what I thought was a part time job to give me some structure and a bit of self worth. It’s not worked out that way. Because of my background I was almost immediately asked to step up to being a branch manager for one of the top 100 companies to work for in the UK. I was promised all sorts of support and training but it’s been impossible as we are so short staffed. There is no time and we have targets to hit. I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve been successful so far. Top seller in the company nationally. Our little branch consistently out performing compared to big branches but I hate the stress and have hardly any time to spend with my partner as I have to work most weekends. It’s not what I wanted. I’m so tired, horribly anxious and have night mares frequently about work. I feel like I have imposter syndrome and at any point there’s going to be a huge mistake and I will be caught out. Don’t get me wrong. I’m good at what I’m doing but it’s too much pressure.
I love where I’ve moved to but it’s very rural and a long way from my kids and grandkids. I’ve slowly made acquaintances in the community and can walk into the pub and know people to chat to. No one knows anything about me and my DP is lovely and calm. However his mum is widowed and with early dementia and there is a lot of stress around sorting that out as we are the only ones near enough to help her.
Im sitting here shaking at the thought of going to work tomorrow. I don’t want the responsibility. I want time with my DP to go walking, to sort the house out- I still haven’t unpacked from moving here- my life is chaos. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I don’t know how it has happened- I felt flattered I guess, but I don’t have the will or ambition to climb the ladder. I’ve run my own business before and had my dream career before that so feel like there’s nothing left I particularly want to do. Financially I don’t need this job either. AIBU to just want to simplify my life and just find something to do 2 or 3 days a week that’s less stressful and gives me the time to breathe? It’s mostly hospitality or cleaning (tourist area), retail (weekend work) or admin stuff(I hate admin) I’m not keen on any of that but don’t know what else I could do. I just can’t go on like this.

Sorry for all what you've been through. Its an absolute no brainer to leave work and find yourself something part time and stress free. As you say you don't need the money.

Hand in your notice tomorrow and see what happens. If they ask you to stay, tell them not in your current capacity. Let them hire someone else and go back to 3 days.

At the very least, write the resignation letter right now. You’ll feel better, even if you don’t hand it in tomorrow.

Pack it in, your life, your choice. Sounds like you could retire if you want.

I ll be retiring at 50, do what you want.

OP you are not obligated to carry on with the job. You hand in your resignation and go back to looking for a stress free part time job. You obviously are more than capable in doing your current role - the company have promoted you for a reason, BUT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
Don't feel obliged to stay!

Have you seen a therapist about your relationship with your children?

Quit your job and find something else. Just do it, a lot of what you're feeling is related to the job and it shouldn't make you feel like this. You'll feel instantly better as soon as you put in your notice and have a look at the local job board xx

You need to see your GP, are you medicated for the anxiety?

Medication is not always the answer. Making a change just might be. You don’t need the job or the stress and you have more than earned the right to an easier pace of life. I’m sorry the way things have worked out. So glad you have a nice partner. I agree completely you should hand in your notice and focus now on what you want.

Definitely give your notice in today. You’ve been through so much, now is your time to live the life you want, to slow down and to take pleasure in the simple things. Work to live, don’t live to work.

Is there a reason why you can’t resign?

Oh, and get signed off with stress, you sound beyond overwhelmed. Life doesn’t have to be like this.

I think you’re being very hard on your children. Of course they didn’t want to believe their dad would behave so appallingly.

You deserve the life you want and it's ok to want it. You sound amazing in your job but if it's not what you want or need then go speak to someone about either stepping back/down different role. You've been through alot so look after yourself

Just leave and get your life back. Particularly since there’s no financial need to put yourself through this. I bet your anxiety levels plummet the moment you resign.

My heart goes out to you, you’ve been through so much, no wonder you feel overwhelmed. If I were you I would begin with a conversation at work about workload but be ready to give notice if they won’t accommodate a change in role. No job is worth that amount of stress. You sound like you need some time to decompress, maybe some talking therapy to help process your ex husband’s behaviour and the fallout from it. Hopefully in time you can rebuild a relationship with your kids. It’s great that you have a supportive partner and like where you live - those are great foundations to keep rebuilding your new life. It does sound like the job and the trauma of what you have been through are the two main issues - if you tackle them hopefully bit by bit everything else will fall into place. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through a lot. Best of luck with it all.

Quit the job and save your mental health. Why would you do this job if you don’t need to financially? Find something else which is far less stressful.
I think you need time out to process everything that has happened to you. And yes, to work on your relationship with your children. None of this is their fault, their father betrayed them too.
Also spend time on your current relationship and supporting him with his mother.

Just leave, you're financially stable, have a lovely partner and have come through a real dreadful period of your life. I think you need to become your own best friend, treat yourself with kindness and love. You do deserve to be happy but only you can make the changes to enable that. I wish you well, live your best life x

You don't need the job for financial reasons?
Good god woman quit today. Life is short. Why are you still doing the job??

Pfft. They seemed to have no difficulty in believing that their mum was making it all up, though 😐

Time to put you first, OP. Have a look for something they'll make you smile for three days a week.

Wishing you lots of love 😘

TheEyesOfLucyJordon · Today 11:18

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 10:48

I think you’re being very hard on your children. Of course they didn’t want to believe their dad would behave so appallingly.
**
Pfft. They seemed to have no difficulty in believing that their mum was making it all up, though 😐”

Fair point. Being unable to “forgive” them, though, is too harsh. I imagine discovering their father is a deceitful bastard without morals has been pretty difficult for them, too.

Can I just say that I really feel for you and that I hope everything sorts out for you. You sound like an amazing person.

People are actually largely disappointing when it comes to serious betrayal. It is really devastating when you cannot rely on the people you should be able to rely on. The other side of the coin is that denial is the most basic, the strongest and the most primitive human defence mechanism. The mind can only cope with so much and when it is challenged in a way that would cause for it to collapse such as your father being a lying, cheating toerag often people settle on more tolerable beliefs. There is also a real tendency across the board for children to take mothers for granted and give fathers a much easier run of it with much lower expectations from them.

It is devastating what you have experienced and you feel what you feel but maybe you will be able to come to a better resolution and relationship with your children over time. Only you and they can forge those relationships and it is a choice.

I think you need to take one thing at a time, job, where you are living, relationships and see what you can build up and develop.

On the back of very serious family betrayal, I have eventually over the space of 7 years built my life up to the best it has ever been. It was a gruelling journey but I’d do it over again to get this result. My life is very different to how I would have envisioned it years ago but here we are. Clearly you are unbelievably strong. Given time you will get things where you want them, believe in yourself.

I imagine it's easier to believe that your Mom is paranoid and imagining stuff than to believe your whole childhood is a lie and your Dad is a deceitful bastard.

Op I'd work on trying to mend things with your kids. I think you'll have more peace in yourself if you can fix these relationships and enjoy your grandkids.

And as part of that, quit. You don't need the money. So quit. Sort out your house. Visit the kids or invite them up. Get to know your area. Work out what makes you happy.

If you don't need the money, maybe volunteering would you better balance? Or start a hobby? Basically just find yourself again.

Quit your job and meet up with your kids. Don't punish them for wanting to see the best in their dad.

I'm with the others, if the job is getting in the way of the life you want, leave or maybe step down to an easier less frantic role, especially since you are in the fortunate position of not needing the money.

That would ensure you have time for leisure, breathing space, being with your partner and yes, resuming the relationship with your children, on your terms now.

You've been through hell but here you are, on the other side. But maybe you've filled the space too quickly and are in danger of being bogged down in a situation that has grown up, rather than being a conscious, thought out choice.
Sometimes it's about having enough time to stop and reflect on where you are in life and what you want for the future.

Hi OP, if you don't need the job for money then why are you so worried about quitting? Do you feel you don't have value without a job? Is it just having routine that you want?

I can assure you that you have huge value with or without a job, you are so important to your partner, his mum, your children and grandchildren. Not having this particular job, or any job, won't change that.

In your shoes, if you want a job for routine and using your brain - I would quit your current job ASAP, and then give myself a breathing space of 3 months, to unpack your things, sort the house, support your partner and arrange to meet each of your children. After that, you'll be in a much better place, much less stressed and able to see the bigger picture. You'll then know whether you're ready to retire, want to volunteer, or will have a clearer picture of the sort of part-time work you want to do.

Have you considered acting as a remote consultant in your industry? My company work with these all the time - people who work solely from home on project-based work, they set the days they are willing to work and they just get paid for those days.

Best of luck, whatever you decide but please do take a break for yourself and your health (both mental and physical).