I’m unhappy with the life I’ve created

[DowntonTrout]

Brief backstory. I’ve been through a really traumatic divorce. Ex H was having an affair. They had a secret child. He denied it to everyone and made out I was crazy. By the time the truth came out I had lost all my friends and felt I couldn’t forgive people for not believing me- even my grown up children who kept telling me “Dad wouldn’t do that.” Eventually truth about affairs and other women going back throughout our marriage came to light (27 years) I couldn’t bear to be around all the people who failed to be supportive anymore.I met someone lovely and moved away to start again where no one knows me. Now people say I’m the strongest person they know. I’m not.
I found what I thought was a part time job to give me some structure and a bit of self worth. It’s not worked out that way. Because of my background I was almost immediately asked to step up to being a branch manager for one of the top 100 companies to work for in the UK. I was promised all sorts of support and training but it’s been impossible as we are so short staffed. There is no time and we have targets to hit. I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve been successful so far. Top seller in the company nationally. Our little branch consistently out performing compared to big branches but I hate the stress and have hardly any time to spend with my partner as I have to work most weekends. It’s not what I wanted. I’m so tired, horribly anxious and have night mares frequently about work. I feel like I have imposter syndrome and at any point there’s going to be a huge mistake and I will be caught out. Don’t get me wrong. I’m good at what I’m doing but it’s too much pressure.
I love where I’ve moved to but it’s very rural and a long way from my kids and grandkids. I’ve slowly made acquaintances in the community and can walk into the pub and know people to chat to. No one knows anything about me and my DP is lovely and calm. However his mum is widowed and with early dementia and there is a lot of stress around sorting that out as we are the only ones near enough to help her.
Im sitting here shaking at the thought of going to work tomorrow. I don’t want the responsibility. I want time with my DP to go walking, to sort the house out- I still haven’t unpacked from moving here- my life is chaos. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I don’t know how it has happened- I felt flattered I guess, but I don’t have the will or ambition to climb the ladder. I’ve run my own business before and had my dream career before that so feel like there’s nothing left I particularly want to do. Financially I don’t need this job either. AIBU to just want to simplify my life and just find something to do 2 or 3 days a week that’s less stressful and gives me the time to breathe? It’s mostly hospitality or cleaning (tourist area), retail (weekend work) or admin stuff(I hate admin) I’m not keen on any of that but don’t know what else I could do. I just can’t go on like this.

I think you’re being very hard on your children. Of course they didn’t want to believe their dad would behave so appallingly

but it was OK for them to believe their mum was lying? She should just suck that up?

one of the most difficult things to stomach when your life has been blown out of the water by a vile, self-centred serial adulterer, is the people around you who whisper in corners, assume you were terrible to live with, that there must have been something going on behind those closed doors for you to deserve such treatment. After all, a happy partner doesn’t look elsewhere. You’re supposed to keep smiling, act like nothing has happened, pretend it’s nothing really when you’re dying inside and you’ve no idea how you’ll survive the next minute, let alone the rest of your life. There is much shame attached incorrectly to affairs, the person being cheated on feeling the need to hide away, gloss over their feelings whilst the cheater is out parading his new life in public for all to see.

The OP didn’t put her children in an impossible position. Their father did. She has nothing to apologise for.

OP - for what it’s worth, you sound amazingly strong and resilient. Resign the job that is making your life harder than it needs to be right now. Try to find some peace and enjoy what you have whilst making plans to improve what isn’t working for you. You are living proof that there is life after divorce and there will be many people reading this who need to hear that.

Fox the things you can fix. Job can be changed. You can rebuild the relationships that you want to rebuild.

Leave the rest behind.

Fix, not fox.

If you don't need the money but To do the same kind of work (I assume it's retail type) why not volunteer in a charity shop they usually need help and your experience would be perfect

Leave the job - you don't need or want it, take some time to visit your kids and try to forgive your children for their response to your husband's appalling behaviour.

OP the old adage comes to mind - try to accept the things you cannot change, have courage to change the things you can and wisdom to know the difference. You cannot change your history, but you can can change you work situation. You can spend more time with DC and DGC and mend relationships. You can live a simpler life with a good DP in a nice rural setting with nice locals. This sounds like a very good life and in many ways you are lucky to have this option. The issue is with your job. I get why you got promoted so quickly, but your skill and talent has become your enemy! It may be worth having a frank discussion with a manager /HR saying you want to step back, they might have a part time position or 1/2 days a week on a consultancy basis, that kind of thing. Wouldn't that be ideal, to keep that part of you alive without all the crap that goes with it. Or just quit and find a low paying but pleasant job locally that makes you happy.

Thank you for such lovely supportive replies. I should say that I’m in a much better place with my DCs now. We are mostly on good terms but I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over it. They just couldn’t cope with me being so distressed that it was hard for them to be around me. Especially when Ex H was such an accomplished liar they didn’t or couldn’t challenge what he was telling them as he’s so credible. It’s hard though. I was so hurt and traumatised at the time, as we’re they, I didn’t know where to turn- also it was lockdown so pretty difficult to get any outside support. I thought I would go mad. It really was a case of lay down and die or get up, show up and survive.
I guess that’s where the issue with my job comes in. I’ve been in such a state of anxiety for 4 years and I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of admitting I can’t cope. After all I’ve got through all this shit, I’m proud of myself.
I need to stop. I think I probably need some counselling. I don’t think I need medication though because it’s entirely normal to have these feelings after everything that’s happened surely?

But are you saying you can’t cope, or are you really saying you don’t want to, because you value your happiness and other things more than the rat race? If it’s the first one then I think making a decision that some others wouldn’t be brave enough to make and would question is actually indicative of great strength

Life is too short for such stress. Hand your notice in today and walk away. Spend time re-building relationships with your children.

I think I’m saying I’m tired of trying to cope if that makes sense.
Clearly, I have coped, I’ve got through and I’m still alive.
I think menopause has something to do with it too- I’m just not as resilient as I was and learning new processes and procedures, having drive and determination, always being positive and inspiring and mentoring my staff is getting harder.
Mostly, being in a heightened state of anxiety for so long is exhausting. I’m overwhelmed.
of course if it was a case of putting food on the table I would have to keep going. But it’s not. I’m not rich but we have no mortgage, I have some investments, I could take my pension in a couple of months.
Is it enough though for me to say I’m struggling, I’ve had enough stress, I’m sorry to let you down but I don’t want to do this anymore? I want to spend time/weekends with my DP/family but I’m afraid of being a failure.

Quitting your job isn't about failing. It's about deciding you want to do something else and doing it.

OP it sounds to me that you’re being incredibly hard on yourself, after all you’ve been through you really should not think you’re a failure but actually quite the opposite. You’re brave!

I think maybe you’ve got PTSD from what you went through and haven’t had the support to process it.
Yes to therapy or counselling to help you deal with all the difficult emotions of the betrayal.
It’s really no wonder you’re exhausted and feeling anxious and on a very demanding senior job that’s sucking all your energy…

All I can advise on top of counselling is to really really put your needs first.
Be kind to yourself.
You need some calm and space.

If you’re not sure about quitting the job then request some stress leave to give you some head space to process and recover so you’re in a better place to make decisions, and as said upthread discuss part time or consulting options with your employer too: they clearly value your skills and if they’re a top company they will want to retain you in a different role that may still provide job satisfaction with a much better life/work balance.
You owe it to yourself: high stress is unsustainable and your body will tell you sooner or later. The body keeps the score of trauma.

I wish you happiness and calm. You highly deserve it. Believe that.

Financially I don’t need this job either

Then you're doing the job because you dont truly want to face or deal with other aspects of your life. The job's become 1 of the things that are 'drowning' you and if you leave you'll possibly create another crisis that stops you getting to the heart of what you really need to deal with.

We only have 1 life as far as Im aware. Bit of a waste sitting at home shaking with stress over somewhere you don’t even need to be. You did say you wanted to spend more time with your partner. Ask yourself very honestly why you're doing this job, instead of actually spending time with him. Theres always a reality and answer, its just whether the truth wants to be faced or not. The truth will set you free, as they say

You're stuck in fight or flight mode after an intensely stressful time. Not surprising at all but you've worked out that it's - of course - completely draining and unsustainable to be in that state long-term and that something needs to change. I think some counselling would be perfect for helping you to process the trauma (because it is a trauma you have faced), and hopefully let go of the pain and shock of it all once you have processed it. Taking about our traumatic experiences helps us to process them, if you haven't been able to share what's happened because everyone was shutting you down and effectively gaslighting you, that must feel crazy making. Also because no one in your new life knows what you've suffered. So having someone impartial to talk to could be transformative and fantastic.
If you don't need the job, definitely leave. Its taking all your energy and headspace and that's no good right now. You need to feel, process, grieve and heal.
All the very best to you, OP.

@DowntonTrout

Im so sorry for what you’ve been through.
What a lot to cope with and you’ve done the best you could under the circumstances.

What strikes me most about your posts is your worry about being a ‘failure’ if you quit your job. Sometimes ‘quitting’ and walking away is the bravest thing you can do. Doing something that would be good for your mental wellbeing could never be classed as failing. It’s brave and strong! And who would be bothered anyway!?

And a question… if you carried on flogging yourself at this job…. Who benefits long term and what will happen to you?

It's the job? Is it Dom care management by any chance? Or similar? I've never been so stressed as when I did that job and when you have been through an awful time it's not what you need. You need to recover from the emotional damage that's been done to you and you can't do that when you are burning yourself out at work

@Volver
I think maybe you’ve got PTSD from what you went through and haven’t had the support to process it.
Yes to therapy or counselling to help you deal with all the difficult emotions of the betrayal.
It’s really no wonder you’re exhausted and feeling anxious and on a very demanding senior job that’s sucking all your energy…

Yes,I agree. I’ve thought it might be PTSD but I also convinced myself that was ridiculous.

I really appreciate all the support. I guess I just wanted to get some sort of permission to leave my job.

I agree with the poster upthread re PTSD. Also there is no failure in what you have done here. I can only see a huge amount of achievement and success of getting out of an incredibly difficult situation and getting back on your feet. I definitely think therapy would help you to reframe all of this to a way that you can get through it. When we go through trauma our mind needs to get to a point where it is comfortable with the story that we tell ourselves about it, so that our mind can feel safe again.

A really good therapist is worth its weight in gold in these situations. I went through a few to get the right fit. The right fit i found is a person who you feel they have the approach that your mind feels comfortable with when you are working through possible approaches. It is a very individual thing but you shouldn’t feel in conflict with the person, they should feel like they absolutely have your back even when they are challenging you on something. Your mind needs absolute safety to rebuild itself from. Honestly though, you sound absolutely amazing.