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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what happens next? 5yo being naughty and violent at school

59 replies

EasterBonbon · 30/10/2023 08:51

5yo SS started reception this year and is being very badly behaved. His teacher has been telling us and his mum and step-dad almost daily at pick-up and email that he’s not paying attention and being violent and unkind to other children.

He’s one of the oldest in his class, was 5 in Sept, and has been in full-time nursery since he was 1 and the school’s pre-school since 3, so it’s not that it’s new to him, though the need to focus and follow instructions has increased. Pre-school also flagged the lack of attention but the violence is new. He’s doing fine academically. He doesn’t seem to like school or any of his classmates, nor did he like preschool.

I’ve asked what happens next to the teacher and she’s just said they’ll keep an eye on it. We only have SS and his siblings on weekends and holidays (mum had an affair then moved away, we all get on fairly peacefully, the distance means we can’t have them more and his mum’s been very clear that she’d never agree to it) and we know his mum and stepdad are much more relaxed on discipline and rules, but there’s no abuse or anything, just little attention in a busy household. He’s honestly very well-behaved with us, including with his siblings and our friends’ kids, so it’s hard to comprehend.

Is he likely to be expelled if it continues? Sent to a PRU?

OP posts:

b0zza1 · 30/10/2023 22:55

The key factor here is the school. My son was excluded every day from midday for his entire reception year. In order to 'keep himself and others safe' due to his violent behaviour. We changed schools and he hasn't been excluded once for the entirety of year 1.

I'm not saying his current school is bad, but the direction this takes will be driven by the school. Similarly he does not require a special needs diagnosis to gain the support he needs - the school can apply for funding for additional staff to support him (not all schools will do this though). Most support is also directed at behaviours these days, and so it's about finding what works for him. The right school can do this.

Again regardless of the cause what you know is that he is struggling in deal with the pressures of the school environment - he's fine with you, when those pressures aren't there - and so again it comes back to the school to put things in place to help him cope better.

BettyBakesCakes · 30/10/2023 23:14

neverbeenskiing · 30/10/2023 09:23

Children do not behave this way for no reason. In my school a child who struggles with inattention and has been repeatedly hurting classmates would have been flagged up to the SEND team by now. The fact that issues with focus and attention were noted in pre-school could be relevant. It would be reasonable for the parents to ask for a meeting with the SENCO.

This

Witchcraftandhokum · 31/10/2023 05:50

Leah5678

He's not going to a Pru at 5 lol prus are for teenagers.

Nope. I've worked in a Primary PRU where the youngest child was 5.

Littlefish · 31/10/2023 09:47

Jellycats4life · 30/10/2023 09:31

ADHD was mentioned in pre-school, but his current teacher doesn’t think it’s likely, and it doesn’t excuse the violence either way.

If I had a pound for every teacher who convinced a parent to dismiss any notion of autism/ADHD/whatever, I’d be rich.

They are not experts. Sometimes they can spot the signs that parents miss, but equally a LOT of children fly under the radar.

I’m not saying your description of your stepson suggests ADHD particularly, but you need to have an open mind. There is something going on. There have been concerns around behaviour and inattention since preschool.

It’s a cliche but behaviour is communication. He’s telling everyone that he’s struggling and unhappy. This could be “normal” issues around settling into Reception, but it could be something else.

I absolutely agree.

Something is causing this level of overwhelm.

Original poster

EasterBonbon · 31/10/2023 12:44

We’re going to see how the next few weeks go and then ask to see the SENCO if the behaviour doesn’t improve. It’s heartening to read that so many have grown out of it, and good to read of successful school interventions too.

Ultimately we are concerned about SS’s other home life but our hands are tied. From what the teacher has said, it’s not meltdowns or attacks, but sly punches when other children aren’t obeying him and the teacher or TA isn’t directly supervising. He must have picked up the message that violence is a form of control from somewhere. We don’t think there’s any domestic violence at his other home, but we can’t be sure.

We’re hopeful he will grown out of it and this will have just been a phase.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 31/10/2023 13:39

Why wait? Make an appt now

Gaslit3 · 31/10/2023 18:59

If he's seeing the dog controlled that way, maybe that's where he's got it from?

AbbeyGailsParty · 31/10/2023 19:09

CeciliaMars · 30/10/2023 17:14

Hold on - your child witnesses his stepdad hitting the dogs? This kinda changes everything for me. He is witnessing abuse of animals, and to be honest if the stepdad can hit an innocent animal, I'm pretty sure he's not a nice guy generally to be around. Watching unsupervised Youtube with older step siblings is a recipe for disaster too. I would be really worried about what this child is being expose to in his mum's home.

This. The violence to animals stood out for me too.
His home with mum and stepdad sounds chaotic in the sense that there’s little routine, kids left to do their own thing ie watch YouTube that me not be suitable. Behaviour is usually playing out what they see ( and hear) or what they feel about home and the more chaotic the home life the more chaotic the behaviour.
As he is so different with your neighbours children there is something, I think, going on at home.

Gaslit3 · 01/11/2023 07:41

Being naughty (unable to meet the needs of the classroom) and being violent (during a meltdown) can be signs of neurodivergence like ADHD or autism in some children, but giving people sly digs behind the teachers back does not relate to neurodivergence. He might also have one of those conditions, but this seems more like he is acting something out he has seen. How is his relationship with his siblings?

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