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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to move in with me?

40 replies

Mastmw7g · 29/10/2023 23:50

She's 20, and we had a terrible time of it when she was younger. She's now in a house share and says she's going to move out in two months and move in with us. DH already told her he'd help her move.

Our relationship has improved so much since when she lived with me. I like the way things are.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 29/10/2023 23:54

Something is wrong here, because she's made this decision without your input?

I would say that at only 20 she may have changed.

How much rent are you charging, what's the set up, have you discussed house rules?

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 29/10/2023 23:59

No, nothing's been discussed. I do know she's been unhappy where she lives. She says she's miserable. But it's mostly from dealing with her housemates.

OP posts:
Beamur · 30/10/2023 00:06

You can't just be passive and accept this.
Talk to your DH - set ground rules, expectations (rent, chores, etc) and make it clear it's temporary and not open ended.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/10/2023 00:14

It's your house as well op, there needs to be a discussion between yourself and your husband at least.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 00:33

I really wish I was one of those mothers who always wanted their house to be a home for their children, but it's awful living with someone who disrespects you. And the worrying about saying the wrong thing or else everything will erupt.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 30/10/2023 00:40

Have you communicated any of those worries to your husband?

Has your daughter spoken to you at all about this?

Why have they both gone round you with these arrangements?

Does everyone just treat you as inconsequential and that’s why your relationship is so poor?

GrumpyOldCrone · 30/10/2023 00:41

She may be more mature at 20 than she was as a teenager. I think there can be a huge difference between 19 and 20. That was my experience with my daughters anyway.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 00:46

This all just happened today, and yes it was discussed without me. Thou at least there's two months to discuss the details.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 30/10/2023 00:56

Mastmw7g · 29/10/2023 23:59

No, nothing's been discussed. I do know she's been unhappy where she lives. She says she's miserable. But it's mostly from dealing with her housemates.

Are you sure she's not the housemate from hell who's been kicked out? I had a shit housemate who treated her mum like shit, kicked her out after she was racist to another housemate.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 01:18

I suspect she's been difficult to live with. But it could be her housemates are difficult to live with, too. I know a lot of drama is caused by her having a dog that is loud. She needs to train the dog, but instead her housemates just yell at the dog. I'm sure there's more.

OP posts:
cheeseandketchupsandwich · 30/10/2023 03:06

Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 01:18

I suspect she's been difficult to live with. But it could be her housemates are difficult to live with, too. I know a lot of drama is caused by her having a dog that is loud. She needs to train the dog, but instead her housemates just yell at the dog. I'm sure there's more.

Is the dog also moving in with you?

If yes, I'd be putting my foot down and saying either no to the dog or she needs to train it first (if you're happy having a dog).

Why was this decision made without you?

SocksOfMagic · 30/10/2023 03:41

I think you are in a strong position to lay some ground rules as a condition of staying. Personally I’d text rules so she has them in writing and discuss them afterwards to clarify each point

  • getting dog training lessons until barking is resolved
  • paying 1/3 of bills or what ever amount is agreed
  • take part in daily cleaning rota
  • Eating supper with you in kitchen if in
  • resolving issues in a mature manner
SocksOfMagic · 30/10/2023 03:46

You could also add a time limit to the stay. Something like you’ll all review the set up in April and see if everyone is happy with the arrangement still. If it’s not working we will give you two months notice however, so that you’ve got time to find somewhere

SocksOfMagic · 30/10/2023 03:49

If things are going well, keep giving a new review date so that the option is there to end the arrangement

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 05:12

You have a dh problem.

Your dh should have said he will speak to you about it first, and cone back to her and you both agree a way forward before confirming any living arrangements.

It’s not okay that he just agreed without even speaking to you. I would be pulling him up on that immediately before even considering next steps re dd.

Strong boundaries, rules and respectful behaviour will be meaningless unless your dh is willing to engage with them, if he undermines you then you are going to be back to square one with her.

She is only 20, and still young. Allow some space for maturity to develop.

It might mean she has to find another house share if she is not willing to agree to a new arrangement with you.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 30/10/2023 05:23

I can see why she disrespects you, your dh is the common Denominator in this as he made a decision without your input. I can see where the disrespect comes from. Yep, you have a dh problem.

Hearmenow23 · 30/10/2023 06:13

She bought a dog in a house share???

Weedoormatnomore · 30/10/2023 06:35

Sounds like she is being kicked out by housemates. That would drive me mad living with a dog that is untrained and loud. You need to sit down and have a proper discussion before she moves back in. One with DH to make sure you have a united front then one with DD. Good luck

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/10/2023 06:37

You and your DH need a proper sit down conversation and clear ground rules when she moves back.

Think of it as a reset.

43ontherocksporfavor · 30/10/2023 06:38

Yanbu. Firstly she should have asked you both first. Secondly you have the right to say no. Thirdly, terms and rent need to be agreed.

Goodornot · 30/10/2023 06:41

Mastmw7g · 29/10/2023 23:59

No, nothing's been discussed. I do know she's been unhappy where she lives. She says she's miserable. But it's mostly from dealing with her housemates.

Interesting. You're reluctant to have her home due to her behaviour. She's unhappy dealing with her house mates. She's the common denominator in this. Why can't she find another house share?

TerfTalking · 30/10/2023 06:43

So you’re getting a difficult DD back AND an untrained dog?

lucky you. It would be a no from me.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 07:01

I told my 10 year old daughter that her sister may move in with us. I said it in a positive way, and she said it was going to be a bad thing. She actually said "No! She's going to ruin the ecosystem here," which I wasn't expecting.

I had already told her awhile ago that we would take her dog for a month and if her housemates said it was so much better without the dog, we would keep the dog until she was in a better situation for the dog. I said this without discussing it with my husband, so I'm just as guilty. I knew he'd say yes, and he did when I talked to him. Maybe he assumed because I assumed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 07:08

Goodornot · 30/10/2023 06:41

Interesting. You're reluctant to have her home due to her behaviour. She's unhappy dealing with her house mates. She's the common denominator in this. Why can't she find another house share?

Show quote history

I sent her a listing I found where she could live alone and not have housemates. It would be available a couple weeks after she says she's going to move out, which would limit how long she stays here. She didn't get upset, so maybe she's open to it. She didn't like that particular one. She's not going to be able to have a garden if she doesn't have housemates.

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 30/10/2023 07:57

I assume she's working full time and earning above NMW.

I think your daughter needs to find her own solutions to her problems.

Talk to your DH first, but then invite your DD and have a chat. Support her but don't make it easy to move back home.

  • adress the issues at her current house share looking at solutions
  • discuss finances, there might be hidden debt or other problems- times are though!
  • look with her at other living arrangements & suitability , let her know this is a priority
  • set a time limit to a maybe stay at yours.
Give clear instructions/ conditions including rent, hygiene, cleaning general respect for each other.
  • adress the dog issue! It's great to have one but they are a huge burden financially and time wise. Plus it looks like this dog is holding her back, tieing her down.
She needt to have a 100% commitment towards the dog and she needs to meet its needs at all times no excuses, buts, exceptions or whatevers! (That includes extended time away from the home to work or just going out... she can't control how her housemates treat the dog) If she's unsure, or unable to care for the dog it needs to be re homed either with yourselves or with someone who has the time and commitment. It's harsh and upsetting, but these are reality and life choices. I had a dog at her age, so speaking from experience. It's like having a child, the dogs needs have to be considered at all times!