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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD to move in with me?

40 replies

Mastmw7g · 29/10/2023 23:50

She's 20, and we had a terrible time of it when she was younger. She's now in a house share and says she's going to move out in two months and move in with us. DH already told her he'd help her move.

Our relationship has improved so much since when she lived with me. I like the way things are.

OP posts:
wesurecouldstandgladioli · 30/10/2023 07:59

I wouldn’t let her move in as she’s disrespectful and has a loud and untrained dog.

Goodornot · 30/10/2023 07:59

Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 07:08

I sent her a listing I found where she could live alone and not have housemates. It would be available a couple weeks after she says she's going to move out, which would limit how long she stays here. She didn't get upset, so maybe she's open to it. She didn't like that particular one. She's not going to be able to have a garden if she doesn't have housemates.

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Then she needs ro rehome the dog. It sounds as if she hasn't bothered training it so it needs a better owner.

You have a 10 yo to think of who has no choice where she lives. And her home will be invaded by someone who sounds very difficult to get along with.

20 yo dd can't have everything that she wants. She needs to get rid of the dog and rehome it somewhere. Then rent somewhere she can afford alone with no garden.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 12:02

Goodornot · 30/10/2023 07:59

Then she needs ro rehome the dog. It sounds as if she hasn't bothered training it so it needs a better owner.

You have a 10 yo to think of who has no choice where she lives. And her home will be invaded by someone who sounds very difficult to get along with.

20 yo dd can't have everything that she wants. She needs to get rid of the dog and rehome it somewhere. Then rent somewhere she can afford alone with no garden.

Edited
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I would be happy to have the dog, which I know sounds awful since I'm so hesitant to live with her.

I talked to DH about my youngest daughter's concerns. He said "I see" but nothing more.

I know she's not going to find everything she wants if she's going to live alone. I don't know if she understands that yet, but she does have a little time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 12:23

There's so many people on the poll who say IAU. I'd love to see a reply from that perspective as I may need to adjust the way I feel.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 30/10/2023 12:42

Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 12:23

There's so many people on the poll who say IAU. I'd love to see a reply from that perspective as I may need to adjust the way I feel.

Because there are many people on MN who say 'my child will ALWAYS have a home with me', regardless of their behaviour or the impact on everyone else in the house. And on that note - is she a Daddy's girl?

You need a proper, sit down, discussion with DH to thrash this out. Not mentioning things and hoping he picks up the hints.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 14:49

Gymnopedie · 30/10/2023 12:42

Because there are many people on MN who say 'my child will ALWAYS have a home with me', regardless of their behaviour or the impact on everyone else in the house. And on that note - is she a Daddy's girl?

You need a proper, sit down, discussion with DH to thrash this out. Not mentioning things and hoping he picks up the hints.

Show quote history

My husband is her stepfather, and I think he overcompensates by going out of his way for her. But as soon as she was mad, she'd remind him that he wasn't her father. They were very close when she lived with us, and I was often the villain. Not that I was innocent in the breakdown of our relationship. I was awful. Neither of us liked ourselves because of how we treated each other.

Since she's moved out, our relationship has gotten much better to the point that she says she prefers calling me to calling him. But I'm more willing to listen to her for long periods of time while she complains about her housemates. He gets irritated that she doesn't want advice on how to fix the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mastmw7g · 30/10/2023 15:43

I told my son's that their sister was moving in, and they seemed happy even though it means they'll have to share a room. So it's just my youngest daughter and me who have taken the news badly.

OP posts:
PumkinPorridge · 30/10/2023 19:40

She might be a lot easier to live with now.

Goodornot · 30/10/2023 20:27

There's another thread now the OP has started. Apparently the DDs job is webcam based and a bit suspect. I'd be encouraging her to get other work rather than running that from my home.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2023 20:43

How can you have your daughter working as a cam girl with her younger siblings around?

Pinkpinkpink15 · 30/10/2023 22:12

I imagine her teen years weren't easy with a baby sister around, one who is her step fathers actual child.

are the boys her full or half brothers.

Did you ever appreciate how hard it was for her not to have a Dad, then have her step Dad, only to feel replaced by your youngest DD??

you said your behaviour wasn't great either, it was your job as her Mum to behave better than her.

now your giving off vibes that you like her dog more than her.

i get you don't want the boat rocked, but you chose to have 4 kids, you need to be a parent to all of them. Through good and bad.

sending her a link to a rental property was pretty harsh.

Motnight · 30/10/2023 22:24

Goodornot · 30/10/2023 20:27

There's another thread now the OP has started. Apparently the DDs job is webcam based and a bit suspect. I'd be encouraging her to get other work rather than running that from my home.

I can understand why her housemates might not be happy with her. Web cam work and an untrained dog...

CB2611 · 30/10/2023 22:46

I moved out at 19 after being the biggest dick a daughter can be to her parents. I was selfish and disrespectful. I moved back in a few years later after having a taste of adulthood. I had a new found respect for my parents, their house and for paying my way. I ended up living back at home for 6 years and my relationship with my mum and dad has been better than ever. I'd give her a chance.

Original poster
Mastmw7g · 31/10/2023 18:08

Pinkpinkpink15 · 30/10/2023 22:12

I imagine her teen years weren't easy with a baby sister around, one who is her step fathers actual child.

are the boys her full or half brothers.

Did you ever appreciate how hard it was for her not to have a Dad, then have her step Dad, only to feel replaced by your youngest DD??

you said your behaviour wasn't great either, it was your job as her Mum to behave better than her.

now your giving off vibes that you like her dog more than her.

i get you don't want the boat rocked, but you chose to have 4 kids, you need to be a parent to all of them. Through good and bad.

sending her a link to a rental property was pretty harsh.

It wasn't hard having siblings. Her dad had a son when she was seven and they were very close until he died of cancer. THAT was hard, not having siblings she would never qualify as "half." And she always said she was very lucky to have my husband. She called him her best friend.

She didn't think it was harsh of me to send a listing. She sent a heart and messaged me that she loves me, then said she'd like two bedrooms so her sister could sleep there sometimes. She's never felt replaced. We lived in a very small place before and she always had a bedroom. If anything, I've worried my younger kids would resent her because their dad goes out of his way for her in a manner he doesn't for them.

OP posts:
Whyamiherenow · 31/10/2023 19:13

I wasn’t a particularly pleasant teen. Lots of reasons etc. regardless really tough to live with. Thankful my mum always welcomed me back when I needed love or made a mess of my life. Equally nobody would have blamed her for not having me back. Least of all me. You can only do what you think is right at the time and be open and honest about your worries with some firm ground rules.

I had matured a lot by 20 though.

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