To feel bitter about poor relationship with DB?

[Discointhekitchen]

I’m in my 40’s now. Have an older brother ( 2 years older).

As a kid, I used to look up to him. He was a real life and soul of the party type.

however, he was often very cruel and nasty to me. We often had the usual sibling squabbles, but he remained violent towards me well into my teens. ( I was still being beaten up by him at 16). I had to go to friend’s houses after school and wait until my parents came home. I didn’t feel safe being at home as he’d always start a fight.

in the intervening years, I tried so hard to build a relationship with him. At times, we got on but he has a very volatile temper. We’ve both moved away from home, and only really see each other at family gatherings. Sometimes we get on, but often he’ll undermine me and make snarky comments about me in front of our wider family.

I’ve long given up having a close- or even cordial- relationship with him, but I’m sick of the constant sniping.

I have never done anything to provoke this hatred.

I feel so cheated by this. Lots of friends have really close relationships with their siblings. I just feel really sad that this will never happen.

has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

My sister is this way. Just started a similar thread. Some people are just not nice people and that’s the bottom line. Unfortunate that they are your siblings, but what can you do. You can’t change them. It’s shit though

I can empathise to some extent. My older brother sounds like yours (although maybe not quite as much of a bully) I wasn’t even important enough for him to acknowledge most of the time when we were younger and when he did it was to make fun of me or make me feel small in some way. We got a bit closer as adults but when my kids came along and I started to see a similar pattern. Not having much to do with them laughing at them or mocking them I have cut contact to absolute minimum. Feel a big relief about not having to deal with it any more.

But you try and you pull them up on things that matter.

I think there are also an awful lot of snowflakes on mumsnet.

Don’t waste any mre of your time and thoughts on him, OP. He’s an arsehole and always will be.

My brother is seven years older than me. I haven’t spoken to him in forty years. He cam home drunk and attacked our mother when I was fifteen.

Fuck all violent men. So what if they’re relations? They chose that path.

@heyomayo sorry to hear that. I think you’re right. There are some unpleasant people in the world and they have to be someone’s family!

@lunkitsmum have you ever worked out why your brother is like that? Is he like that with everyone?

what do your parents say about you siblings? Have they noticed?

My brother is like this. I spent years blaming myself for it. But then I realised it’s because he’s just a horrible person. He treats so many people like crap and hold himself if high esteem. He refuses to acknowledge my children which has been incredibly hurtful and I will never forgive him for that. Whatever he thinks of me, why take it out on them? Why his partner puts up with I don’t know. I feel sorry for her.

@Catsmere you’re right. It’s not worth wasting energy on them. I just can’t fathom why they turn out like that.

@sunnyseed does his partner ever confide in you?

Do other family members notice his behaviour?

Mine was a pisshead from his teens, thanks partly to my idiot father setting the example. Despicable, the pair of them.

I completely relate to this OP, my brother is similar - but after a couple of really unpleasant incidents in recent years I now make every effort to avoid him altogether and actually refuse to stay at my parents' place if he is there.

I'm interested to know what you want to achieve? Would you like a better relationship? Is he your only sibling? In my case, I've resigned myself to the fact that my brother won't change and nothing good will come from pursuing any sort of relationship with him.

In response, he is continually slandering me to various family friends. He's very narcissistic, with a high-profile, high-status, high-income job, and his reputation is very important to him. Perhaps he thinks that people finding out that a sibling wants absolutely nothing to do with him is potentially damaging to his image.

Sadly he’s my only sibling. I’m doing pretty much the same as you and keeping my distance. I don’t want a relationship with him at all. He’ll never change now and I’ve given up.

I suppose I’m looking for an explanation. And how to get over the sadness of it.

He’s now become friends with my nasty exH. This has happened only after we split. Never had time for him before.

my brother does the same thing as yours- slandering me constantly to anyone who will listen.

I think I’d like to know how you fill the void? Can friends replace siblings?

I had these dynamics with one brother and trigger warning

the other brother sexually abused me and my sister. I have nothing to do with any of them now. The whole family is very dysfunctional and I realised that they could never change so I changed instead. Someone upthread mentioned narcissistic traits both of my brothers have them in spades and my parents too which is why they never parented these behaviours. I think you have to figure out what relationship is possible usually with these types it is very low contact or no contact and take it from there.

I suppose I’m looking for an explanation. And how to get over the sadness of it

The explanation i came to is narcissistic tendencies and inter generational issues. The sadness takes time to get over just allow yourself to feel how you feel and then move through it as your process allows. It is a living grieving process, it is extremely tough.

I do not think friends can replace siblings in quite the same way because there is a lack of shared history that is unique within a family unit, the good and the bad. You can love friends maybe even more but it’s just different. Here is my awful experience with loss of a sibling due to their behaviour.

I have 4 sisters, it’s a lot isn’t it and we are spread over 17 years . I actually grew up completely with one sister as we are so much younger than the rest, we were very close. The others are really lovely but I can only actually remember one of my older sisters at home.

The one I grew up with had an affair with another sisters DH. I haven’t spoken to her for years, none of us have. What she did was unforgivable and our older sister ended up in a MH unit and she has never been the same, she is actually in a permanent care facility now. It literally destroyed her mind.

I feel a gap in my life if honest, my Mum raised two separate families really. My other sisters are so much older than me they have always been at a different stage of life. It was kind of like having three nice Aunties.

I have always wanted someone to fill that gap. The little dances we did together as kids, hiding veg, laughing about jelly, dens and sandcastles we built together, no one can replace her.

Thanks @Biasquia that’s really helpful advice. Sorry to hear you went through that.

@Sisternumber5 sorry to hear about what happened to your family.

It does feel like grief doesn’t it?

This- I haven’t spoken to my brother for years, my kids don’t even know he exists.

It’s awful how these much older brothers can bully/hurt beat up younger sisters. Evil nasty bullies, try beating up someone your own size.

My older B was extremely violent to me and my younger brother, he would launch into massive aggressive rages, chasing us around the house and garden and beating us up.

Of course, this always happened when my parents weren't there so they never actually witnessed anything and it was always our word against his. Because my brother was a high achiever at school and presented to adults as very responsible, our parents tended to think that we were exaggerating - even when there were bruises etc. They never tackled his behavior until it was too late.

I'm so grateful that my DS is not like this.

@cocolocopocos this sounds very familiar (apart from the high achieving part).
Do your parents now realise what he is like? My DM has finally seen him for who he is, but I still feel angry that she didn’t take it seriously at the time.

Does your brother now have a family of his own? I can’t imagine that these people go on to be loving family members and perfect parents.

my brother has a string of failed relationships- treats all his girlfriends like shit and they eventually see sense and leave.

Do your parents now realise what he is like?

In my case my parents have not accepted what even my sexually abusive brother is like because he is their golden child. They have minimised and rationalised the abuse.

To be honest I realise now that their inability to connect in relationships has been a significant driver for what went wrong in our family. Them not connecting with their children meant that there was always a significant deficit in emotional needs being met which played a huge part in the resentment between children. Accepting the wider scale dysfunction that was at play was a huge part in my dealing with what happened growing up with the sibling relationships.

Yes, my parents definitely recognise what he's like now (sadly too late) but they are very wary of him and they now always stand firm and respect my wishes in terms of asking him not to visit when I am there, even if he makes a fuss about it. Although they still like to boast about his latest achievements, TV interviews etc to their friends, which makes me cringe!

He creates quite a charismatic impression when people meet him. He does have his own family, and he also has some friends, but everyone in his circle is there for a reason. I strongly get the impression that he sees his children as an extension of his own ego and is very competitive about them. His partner is an enabler, if anything he has become worse since being with her & having the children.

I'll often hear through family that he has just fallen out with another colleague, had a dispute with a neighbour, etc etc. Presumably his violent temper will be finding outlets where it can.

@Biasquia I’m really sorry you went through that.

And god help his wife and kids if they decide to go against his wishes…

Yes, I've thought that myself

My brother was vile to me growing up too. He'd start fights, spit on me etc. I was often the one blamed as when i retaliated i would leave scratch marks etc while he was too smart to do that!

I think it has much to do with how underconfident I am. I'm a bit of a screw up in life while he is a high earner, great husband and dad and actually a pretty decent guy these days. And my mum thinks the sun shines out of his arse, obviously.

I like him too now. We have a laugh when together. But I often think his actions have contributed to my low confidence and it hurts.