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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask to do a video call before a date?

59 replies

Itiswhatitis85 · 29/10/2023 22:30

Surely if online dating , it makes sense to do a video call first with someone before arranging an actual date?
Dates can be expensive and time consuming, especially for single parents, like me and I just figure the logical thing to do is organize a video call with someone before a date.
At least that way you will know from the comfort of your living room whether or not you fancy them rather than putting on a nice outfit, doing your make up, paying for petrol/bus fare into town and then food, only to realize within 20 mins that you don't fancy them and/or they are boring. Then your afternoon or evening is pretty much wasted.
I know we can see their photos before a date but photos can't show personality, sense of humor or mannerisms.
Would you be fine with it if someone wanted to do a video call before talking about arranging a date or would you find this offputting?

OP posts:
Finlesswonder · 30/10/2023 00:00

Hard no from me and them asking would actually turn me off.

UsingChangeofName · 30/10/2023 00:01

But there won't be any natural chemistry on a video call, it's not a natural situation. You are alone, sitting staring at a screen, the other person is alone staring at a screen. Chemistry comes from a person's energy, you can't get that unless you are physically with them. What's wrong with an occasional awkward silence on a date? You don't need to fill every quiet gap. A first date doesn't need to be expensive either. Go for a coffee with them, or go for a walk. Just spend an hour with them, you'll get so much more than a video call.

All of this

Like @SkaneTos video calls are hardly 'natural' with family, let alone as a first conversation with someone.

Original poster
Itiswhatitis85 · 30/10/2023 00:02

@Finlesswonder genuinely interested, why would it put you off?

OP posts:
Basilton · 30/10/2023 00:05

Itiswhatitis85 · 29/10/2023 23:49

@skanetos but if there's no chemistry on the video call, like if they have a weird voice or don't have much to say etc or you just don't fancy them physically then how can you expect there to be chemistry and fancy them on the date?

I cannot imagine there would be chemistry on any video call, so it would rule everybody out. It’s awkward, false, there can be those half second delays and then both speak at once. A definite no from me. I wouldn’t do a phone call either, for a similar reason.

EBearhug · 30/10/2023 00:06

I wouldn't insist on it, because I'd hate to do it myself - though I've been fine with video calls for work etc. I would if they asked, though.

It won't tell you much about chemistry. I've met guys I got on perfectly well with online - but on meeting, just knew we couldn't be more than friends. Which is why I aim to have the first date as just a coffee or something, because then you're not stuck for a whole meal. But also, mine mostly have looked like their photos - apart from, ironically, the one who thanked me for looking like my photos. He later admitted his pics were about 10 years old. This hypocrisy was the least of his red flags, though...

RantyAnty · 30/10/2023 00:06

A video call won't create chemistry but you'll see exactly what they look like and not be surprised by someone using really old photos.

Married men might be hesitant to do video chat at a normal evening hour for obvious reasons.

You might see if he lives in hoarding filth.

I suppose odd mannerisms would show in video too.

Original poster
Itiswhatitis85 · 30/10/2023 00:08

I feel like I would be totally fine if a guy suggested a video call even in a casual way not as a precursor to a first date.
Of course in his head he is probably thinking that it is a pre requisite for a first date but he doesn't need to let me know that , he can be discreet about it, as would I when I'm bringing up the idea of a video call.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itiswhatitis85 · 30/10/2023 00:11

Also to add, I did a video call before with a guy and he was having a drink and he showed me his home bar with all the spirits etc. This was a red flag for me as my ex was a functioning alcoholic and I don't want to live that life again potentially.
So in that case the video call definitely was worth it.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 30/10/2023 00:25

So if you are all for it, why the question? Clearly it’s important for you and if your perspective date is off put then you know it’s a no go.

Original poster
Itiswhatitis85 · 30/10/2023 00:39

@saltinesandcoffeecups that's what AIBU is for, to ask questions and get other points of view

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 30/10/2023 00:57

I don’t see what is to be gained, apart from seeing their online photo is semi-current?

Id run it exactly the same way I would for work. You wouldn’t see my house, that’s not appropriate for colleagues, so why would I let some random I may never see again look at my house in the background? I’d be sitting there with a decent top but pj bottoms and probably I showered, so you could not get a vibe re personal hygiene or anything. I’d also likely be pretty business like in speech, mannerisms etc as that’s what we are all now trained into for video calls. Very little of any of that would represent me outside of work with friends of family, so not sure of advantage to be gained?

Original poster
Itiswhatitis85 · 30/10/2023 01:06

@HoppingPavlova but it's not a business meeting, why would you be using business speech and mannerisms?
In terms of background, yes I wouldn't want someone I might never see again to see inside my home but realistically all they're going to see is a blank wall behind me, that's if they're even able to see that much through the phone, as I wouldn't be using my laptop

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 30/10/2023 01:07

I think it's very sensible.

HoppingPavlova · 30/10/2023 01:19

but it's not a business meeting, why would you be using business speech and mannerisms

because that’s how we are now inherently ‘trained’ to act in video calls. Because we do them for the majority of the time, so it has now become more ‘natural’ than non-business. Simply, it’s become our ‘natural state’ on video calls. Whereas they wouldn’t be our natural state if we were talking to someone at the pub, over coffee, or shopping for milk.

paintingvenice · 30/10/2023 01:19

I don’t think I’ve ever thought I could fancy someone from a video call! I’d possibly agree to a video call if they wanted to check I was legit, but if they were doing it to see whether I was worth bothering to drive to a pub for I’d be a bit put off!!

Doingtheboxerbeat · 30/10/2023 03:15

Ok so it's agreed that everyone looks terrible on a video chat, so with that in mind maybe we can adjust our expectations.

FrozenGhost · 30/10/2023 04:10

If you want to make it a prerequisite, that's fine.

But like pps, I wouldn't want to do one or think it would be useful, and it's not because I'm horrible and trying to hide it. I find the rapport just isn't really there most of the time with video calls, even with my best friends of many years (learned this during covid).

So if you are asking if there are legitimate reasons some people might not want to do a video call, I'd say yes there are.

saffronsoup · 30/10/2023 04:26

I guess it’s good if you are looking for a video boyfriend. The modern version of a penpal. Even then there might be an awkward silence when two strangers try to meet via tech which doesn’t meet your standard.

if you want an actual boyfriend who you engage with, then meet in person and see them as a person and not a video image of a person.

I think your expectation that any potential person must look great from every angle on video, must not be awkward in any way, needs to make you laugh on first meet and be able to show their full personality on a video call with a stranger etc are really unrealistic.

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/10/2023 05:43

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask this, or to have it as a requirement for you meeting someone. You can and you should put whatever checks and boundaries in place that you like and refuse to meet someone for whatever reason you like.

I personally hate video calls. It would be a hard no from me if someone asked, and it would put me off. So I'm not going to date someone who wants a video call, and other people aren't going to date someone who refuses. We all get our preferences and it's a win for everybody.

Rainbowqueeen · 30/10/2023 06:00

I wouldn’t use it to judge chemistry but definitely to assess whether they look like their picture, and whether they actually seem interested in me and what I want. It’s a good way to eliminate time wasters

Rosiiee · 30/10/2023 06:03

I think it could be a generational thing? I’m a millennial and had a few video calls with DP before meeting in person. Our first video call was 3 hours! It was great and i wasn’t as nervous for our first date because I knew we already got along.

Rosiiee · 30/10/2023 06:05

Also to add, the reason for the video call was because we couldn’t meet in person for another few weeks and I didn’t want to waste time texting someone for weeks without a ‘date’.

Gemi33 · 30/10/2023 06:07

I think it's really sensible and I now insist on it...meeting up with everyone takes huge amounts of time and money just to find out, very quickly in some cases, that you don't click. You can absolutely get a sense of chemistry in a video chat and it also makes me feel safer to have seen and spoken to them properly before meeting and see that they are who they claim to be.

Zanatdy · 30/10/2023 06:11

I don’t think I’d want to do that, but I guess I don’t have to get babysitters anymore. I didn’t bother trying to date when the kids were younger for exactly that reason, I wouldn’t want to spend time and money getting a babysitter, getting the kids comfortable with them to then go on a date where the person wasn’t my cup of tea at all. So I guess if you’re in that situation I see your reasoning. Just bear in mind some people don’t like doing video calls and might be totally unnatural so bear them in mind when deciding if you have a chemistry or not. If you’re just using it to see if they are who they say they are fine. If you’re making assessments of whether you have chemistry then I’d give them a chance if you think they are physically your type, as video calls can be very awkward at the best of times.

C1N1C · 30/10/2023 06:33

I have a friend who catfishes, so this would blatantly be a hard no from them. They filter themself to be about half the size they actually are under the guise of 'this is how I could look if I went all out'...

I think if you can't cam, you're hiding something. Virtually everyone video calls for business these days, it would be a red flag for me if someone didn't. As others have said, a lot of time and money goes into dates and you have a right to preserve that.

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