AIBU for putting boundaries in to place for what son can and can’t eat?

[Tyra2828]

Hello,
I am a single mum of 4 and I want to know if I’m being unreasonable. My eldest is an 8 year old boy who’s recently started eating like crazy. He has 3 meals a day which includes 3 eggs in to scrambled egg for breakfast with toast then has access to the “snack bowl” whenever he wants. The snack bowls consists of things like cereal bars, biscuits, crisps, cake bars, apples, frubes, bananas etc.

In the fridge I will have things like snack attacks, cheese strings, babybells, lunchables, muller corners, fruit winders etc. These things are reserved for their lunchboxes mainly although I don’t mind them occasionally having one but he pushes the limit and it leaves my other children getting none of the good stuff.

I also have (or had) a few bottles of lucozade in the cupboard because I drink a bottle during the Night Shift to keep me awake. He knows these are mine. Time and time again he’s been told that the lucozade isn’t to be touched, that he is allowed to get any snacks out of the snack bowl as he wishes without asking and if he wants something from the fridge he is to ask.

Tonight as I go to pack the lunches for tomorrow, so much has gone since this morning. I look in the cupboard and no lucozade. I ask him, he says no he hasn’t ate anything nor took the lucozade. I go up to his room and from today there are 4 empty dairylea dunkers, 2 empty snack attacks, 3 empty cheese strings, and 2 empty lunchables together with an empty bottle of lucoazde and half of one (all under his bed)

I mention to him that he shouldn’t be drinking my drinks and his response is “why do you get it but I don’t, I like it too” I told him off for eating everything he did today and mentioned he has unlimited access to the snack box if he’s hungry and he says “why would I eat what’s in there when there’s better things in the fridge”

I do feel a little bad but AIBU? He gets 3 meals a day, access to unlimited snacks during the day just prefers the other food because it’s “better” and will eat it until it runs out if I let him without considering his siblings then when that’s all gone he will go on to the other food that isn’t his first choice. In terms of the lucozade, I use that to stay awake during the night shifts and I appreciate he may like it but it’s the only specific food/drink item I buy for myself.

He isn’t over weight nor under weight, he’s just over 4 stone.

so AIBU?

@Stupidnighty it isn’t relevant that you have vats of stew on the go.

You told OP that all the food in her house should be fair game.

Are you seriously saying that if you planned certain items for your children’s packed lunch, then went to the fridge and it had all been eaten by one child you’d just shrug and say, “Ah well, it’s all fair game”? Pull the other one!

Why on earth would you let dc have unlimited access to biscuits, crisps and cakes? And there needs to be consequences for taking stuff that he has been told not to. You need to get some rules in place sharpish, or your dc's are going to have some serious health issues.

The only thing you should be feeling mum guilt for OP, is the amount of crap your 8yo eats.

My son is 9- he wouldn’t ever try and do that. He also couldn’t eat 4 steaks. And I don’t buy specific food for specific purposes like that. We decide what to cook based on what everyone wants at that time.

In a fictional world where an 8 year old would want 4 steaks and be able to cook 4 steaks alone without anyone noticing… I’d be fine with that happening. I don’t bring food into the house that isn’t fair game.

Also, he has total control over his diet and the amount he eats within the confines of what we have in/ whether someone is prepared to go out to the shop for something else. no food is forbidden or special, so he doesn’t need to lie or ‘steal’. There are 4 adults with separate time tables and different diets etc in this house- no way can it be micromanaged.

my opinion and situation is as relevant as anyone’s is on a public forum where the op asked for different opinions. That’s kind of the point of the exercise.

I think having specific food for specific purposes is unnecessary and makes things harder- that’s my experience. So, I don’t do it and anyone in my house can eat what they want when they want.

It might not work for you but the tread isn’t about what you find preferable, it’s about the issue the op has and what might help.

To be fair @Stupidnighty your financial position in a house with 4 (working?) adults might be quite different to OP’s as a single parent of 4. In her circumstances, she simply might not be able to replace the food the 8 year old is eating as readily as you can which would mean that she and the other 3 children have to go short when he eats significantly more than his share of what’s available

As I’ve said, if i think I have last night left over for ds packed lunch but it turns out someone else has eaten it, I do just get on with making something else. It’s not my job to tell grown people what to eat!

the exception would be if I had for example a box of chocolates that were a birthday present for example, no one would eat them, because they clearly belong to me specifically. And they would be given one if they asked or could just help themselves to different chocolates we had in.

Definitely. That’s why I suggested getting rid of the pre packaged fun lunch food in favour of more traditional stuff- it’s cheaper to buy, more filling and less desirable to an 8 year old. If his options are a supply of pumpkin seeds and tuna sandwiches then he is less likely to eat for the sake of it, and if he does still eat a lot it will be cheaper!

I honestly don’t know what healthier options to include aside of fruit and vegetables which he doesn’t touch unless it’s the only option

You’ve just answered your own question- make it the only option!

Also protein like boiled eggs/ham/cheese (not the processed stuff). What he’s eating is a lot of junk food which will make him hungry again after a short time.

You have way too many processed snack foods available. Stop buying them. He can have free rein to eat any fruit and veg for snacks. If he's really hungry, he'll eat them. It's better for him and he's less able to overeat.

Him stealing, lying and acting entitled is a separate problem that I hope you deal with head on before he grows older and bigger.

I sympathise. My son has always done this, he has ASD, not sure if that’s relevant. No matter how many times he is told, he will still eat someone else’s chocolate/sweets (even if it’s a birthday present). When I bought advent calendars, he ate all the chocolates out of everyone’s ☹️. We now have a lock box for all the treats and everyone can ask and have some within reason, which means everyone gets some. There are plenty of fruit and vegetables available for snacks or bread etc to make sandwiches.
I agree with PP, you need to stop buying the pack lunch treat stuff and only make healthy alternatives available. Buy a lock box and then you can control how much junk the kids are eating. Keep your Lucozade at work or in your car.

All treats including lunchbox items are locked away in this house.
You think he’s bad now, wait until he’s a teenager.

stop buying dairy Lea dunkers, snack attacks or any food that can be eaten without preparation
Buy fruit, carrots, cucumbers, raisins and nuts for snacks
Buy milk and cereals for more filling snacks
Buy bread or rolls and tuna, salad, chicken etc for fillings - but things that he actually has to make if he wants to eat them rather than just take them
Keep lucozade in your car or your bedroom - those are strictly yours
Mine are allowed to eat as much fruit as they want and can make themselves a sandwich or toast or have a bowl of cereal straight after school
Anything else they have to ask for

I think the problem is that it’s all just utter junk that he’s eating.

I wouldn’t have all that in the house - and it must be costing a fortune.

I’ve also noticed that you refer to the worst of the junk as “the good stuff” and what he goes to first because it’s “better”. The good stuff is fruit, veg, proper protein, unprocessed foods.

You say he’ll only eat things like fruit and yogurt if there’s nothing else - then there needs to be nothing else.

I’m not saying that there should be nothing quick and easy for your other kids (and his) pack lunches, but it doesn’t have to be complete rubbish. I’d have a small store of things for packed lunches where he can’t find them, and keep your lucozade in your room.

I also think you should concentrate on giving him more at meals to avoid the snacking .

I cant believe he just has free access all day long to snacks whenever he wants them, surely even snacks should be in moderation?

Simple as this. Time to remind him who’s in charge. You get lucozade because you do a night shift. He does not.

My house is not a democracy and my kids know this. They did not get a say in where we went on holiday when they were in primary school. They got a limited choice when they were older. They had to ask for a snack until they were old enough to be trusted to be sensible.

My 23 year old asked whether it was ok to take some DVDs to watch at his girlfriend’s house this weekend. Yes it’s ok - but he asked.

Exactly this. If you take it away he'll have an adjustment period but then he'll crave it less.

I'd be concerned that what he's eating is very poor quality. I'd stop buying the snacks - what you've described is quite a lot of ultra processed food for starters. UPF is addictive and makes you more hungry for more of the same.

Buy only fruit as snacks. If he's hungry he'll eat it, let him moan if not. But I bet after a few weeks on a better, more whole food diet without all the crap snacks he will feel better. He is probably about to have a huge growth spurt, there are times when you can't feed a child enough from about that age, they grow more than you could have believed one night and their appetite slows down again. But I'd be worried he's fuelling himself with things that are known to have addictive qualities and he will still crave them and seek them out if your keep providing them regardless of whether he needs the calories or not.

Rather than punish him for taking what's there I'd concentrate on cleaning up his (and your whole family's) diet. Give him bigger portions if needs be at mealtimes. Let him have access to unlimited amounts of decent, wholesome foods.

Also - buy your lucozade out of the house.

There is a big difference between restricting the amount he is allowed to eat when hungry, and expecting him to choose from healthy options. The lucazade thing is neither of those things, that is not acceptable.

You say that your other children happily eat fruit as a snack anyway, which is way better for them anyway, so I'd stop buying the processed snack food altogether. Have a fruit bowl and a tupperware of cut up carrot/cucumber/pepper. Increase his portions of protein and complex carbohydrates at mealtimes.

As you said yourself he will eat fruit and veg if they are the only option. It would be better for him if they were the only option which he will eat if he is really hungry between meals, and then just make sure his actual meals are big enough and well balanced with a good portion of complex carbohydrates to make up for all the exercise he is doing.

I think he should have consequences for taking the lucazade as that is not being hungry, that is taking something which belongs to someone else.

Pp said to buy your 8 year old son lucazade - no way! That's horrible for his health.

Don't buy the crap in the first place! None of your children should eat this shit!

Keep your Lucozade at work or in car boot or in some place inaccessible to him.

Loss of screen time as punishment for a) disobedience and b) lying through his teeth