Friend’s toddler etiquette

[Himpernet]

hi all,
I would be so grateful for views. I’m not a Mum and not sure if I am being unreasonable.
My closest friend has a 17 month old. He eats with no bib and no high chair. Whenever he comes round he runs around with his food, smearing food on my furniture and clothes and dropping food everywhere.
I dread him eating anything in my flat. Is it unreasonable of me to feel slightly irritated by this??

Well, your friend isn't going to bring a high chair with her is she ? And a bib has no impact on you!

but she should bring a mat & make sure he sits on it while eating .

talk to your friend! Or put a huge towel down & say he needs to sit on it while eating & have his hands & face washed before he starts running around

else go hers/out

No that's not normal. She shldnt be allowing him to wander round with food in someone else's house and smear it on furniture. I'd be mortified if my kids did this! I'd be telling them off and taking the food away if need be.

If you have a table suggest you all go sit at it while he eats. He can sit on mums lap if need be.

YANBU

But it's your flat, your rules. Tell your friend the kid sits and eats and bring all the wipes or he doesn't eat when visiting.

Why doesn't friend use a high chair or bib?

Only slightly angry ? I'd be furious.

That's appalling behaviour. I mean the Mum for not controlling the child.

Don't invite them until they are both better behaved.

Completely unacceptable. I've had 2 kids and would never have let them behave like that. She could sit the kid on her lap, or on a mat on the floor. There are also various portable seats that can be strapped to a normal dining chair. I always took one if I went to stay/eat with a friend who didn't have a high chair. Also she should have a mat to put under the chair.

No very rude.

My children ate in a high chair. Keeping food in one or two places makes cleaning so much easier. But your friend has a different parenting style and I guess it works for her. So what can you say to your friend? Meet her somewhere else? It's not enough to fall out over, but you are not unreasonable to feel anxious about food smears and spills in your flat. As her child gets older their food eating will get less messy.

That’s rude. Your friend should respect your house. Next time they come around, insist dc sits and eats, and if he runs around and the min doesn’t step in, speak up and intervene.

I have a travel highchair for when mine are this age, bib and wet wipes to clean up. I would alsp choose less messy food.

Why don't you say anything at the time?

I think it’s different for people that don’t have children, your standards are probably much higher than those with small children and who are just trying to make it through the day. I remember before I had my own children and my home was spotless, a friend brought her toddler round and he was filthy. Ate a biscuit and ended up covered in it and touching everything in in my house with filthy hands, literally running up and down the hall with his hands outstretched and running along the walls. I was horrified.

I tried to remember that moment when I had my own children a few years later and tried to avoid the homes of friends without children. That said, my own home had gone downhill and they probably did the same in my home as I’d been horrified by the year before.

Thanks all.
And pinkpinkpink - no, obviously I don’t expect a high chair to be brought everytime. I was mentioning the point in that they don’t use a high chair at home.
It’s difficult to say at the time, and I wasn’t sure if I was just being a bit sensitive (as, admittedly, I have a low tolerence to and get grossed out by crumbs / food remnants!!) - and wondered whether it’s just a kid thing and to be expected around them.

But eating and then running round, dropping food and rubbing face on things didn’t seem normal to me either.

No, that's not normal. The child can sit on mums knee to eat or at a little table. Kids shouldn't be running around with food.

I would stop having her at yours.

Meet at a cafe.

Does she ever invite you?

Although I have voted YANBU, I actually think YABU in not saying anything / in allowing her to let the toddler do that.
Of course it isn't acceptable, and, if she isn't parenting her child, then you need to say "We don't do that in my flat", pick the child up and feed them on your lap or hand them to their mother, whilst saying, "can you hold him whilst he's got access to food please, I don't want that mess everywhere."

If i took my daughter out and she was out at dinner time i would sit her on my lap and clean her up before she moved after. I would be fuming tbh.
I would bring it up with friend.

Just tell friend that you don’t want the child eating unrestrained.

YANBU to not want your flat wrecked but also be clear with the child and their parent that you would like them to sit down to eat. Could she perhaps bring a dining table travel booster seat or depending how often they come could you get one cheaply (even FB Marketplace) and then they can always use a tea towel and clip as a make shift bib and have a seat to sit on. That's what I do with my nephews - anything more than just a small snack that are not going to mark (so not pasta sauce, chocolate etc 😂) they and my sister know I would expect them to sit up at the table (quite handy I have open plan kitchen-diner-living room).

She should feed him at the table, on her lap if necessary. If she won't do that don't have them at your place until he is older.

Nope, would not be allowing this at all. Disgusting, entitled behaviour.

Meet ups away from your flat. Tell her your hoover is broken so you aren't able to deal with the mess now.

Children running around with food is, most importantly, a choking hazard! I have a VERY "busy" toddler who would not be able to sit still on my lap/a chair/a blanket on the floor for a whole meal when we are sans highchair. However, I strictly enforce a "sitting whilst eating" rule - and I'm pretty lax with most things (pick your battles and all that!). He knows this rule now, and will sit to eat and then get up after a mouthful or two. I then take away the food, and no more is allowed until he sits back down. This can happen tens of times before he has eaten what he wants/needs, but I'm okay with that. The important thing is that when he has food in his mouth, he has to be sat.

Then there are all the other obvious issues, such as mess, but I think that's a more difficult focus to approach with. So can you maybe take the choking hazard approach with your friend? It can be done in a light-hearted way, but it sounds like it is something you need to bring up!

I think tackling the subject of how someone parents is a tricky one - best of luck!

P.s. Running around, pushing boundaries, wiping snotty noses on furniture (my biggest 🤢) is LL completely "normal" for a toddler!!

Completely unacceptable. Tbh I'm not sure I could be friends with someone who thought it was ok for their child to smear mess all around my house.

Oh god. He sounds horrible and your friend sounds like one of those people that thinks she is the only person to ever have a kid and mistakenly thinks everyone thinks the behaviour is cute.

make rules for your home. No sitting, no eating. Make her clean up the mess! Or don’t invite her again and tell her why!

it's not great but if she doesn't clean up the mess it's unacceptable and disrespectful. i don't think i could be bothered to sustain the friendship if that were the case. I'd just let it fizzle out.