How to cope when parent has done something horrible?

[SadChild]

Not sure how to cope with this really.

My dad committed a terrible crime against someone in my family (not my mum). Family member has chosen not to pursue it. And it’s historical.

But I’m struggling to come to terms with it, and my dad doesn’t know I know. I’m not sure what I want my relationship with him to be. He also doesn’t seem to comprehend the seriousness of what he did.

Apart from just wanting it all to go away, and wanting to start my own family almost to make up for the fact my own family unit has kind of been torn apart, I don’t really know what to do.

How do I move on from this? What would you do if your parent did something terrible?

Depending on what it was I couldn’t continue the relationship, sexual offences, child sex offences, murder ect. They’d be dead to me.

I cut contact with my father and changed my surname. Bye, mate.

According to my brother, dad says I'm 'set in my ways'. Too right, I am.

Don't be afraid to walk away, if you need to. You owe him nothing, and it can be very empowering.

It must be an awful shock for you. Counselling could be a good idea to sort through where you go from here. You may also want to tell him you know and say you need time to process so you don’t have to see him for a bit.

To be honest if it was sexual abuse I could never forgive him and wouldn’t want my own children anywhere near them.

I would probably try to look for a counsellor/therapist to talk it through.

If it was a sexual offence, I think cutting him out is the way to go. Especially if you plan to have children or have children.

I would also try to support the family member he offended against.

If it’s sexual abuse I think (and I say think as I couldn’t possibly know unless I was in the situation) then I think I’d cut all contact. Same happened to an old friend, it was his sister and she didn’t tell a soul until she was 40. It was when my friend got married she told her mum as she couldn’t risk the same happening to a niece of hers. He went to prison and they all cut contact. It’s so hard OP, especially if relative doesn’t want to do anything about it. Perhaps if it is sexual abuse in time she will feel differently - like in my example above. This guy was high up in the local police force, everyone was extremely shocked. He didn’t even deny it, I guess he knew one day the truth could come out. It totally destroyed lives.

For me it would depend on what he did and who to.

Non violent crime against distant family member, and he acknowledged the impact, probably forgive or at least forget.

Violent / sexual crime against close family member, especially if when a child and I'd not be able to forgive. Especially if he continued to minimise what he'd done

I don't think I could continue with the pretence of him not knowing I knew though. Because his reaction to knowing that would play a big part in how I felt

I'd start by telling him exactly what I thought of him.

It’s impossible to say without further information really.

I agree with PP though, if you are talking about sexual abuse/rape then I would cut him off completely.

Sexual abuse against a child, cut him off, go NC.
Get therapy asap for this, to help you process the trauma it creates. That kind of news changes your perception of reality, makes it very hard to trust people in the future. But you need to develop healthy ways of framing this event psychologically.

If it's SA, please don't continue a relationship with him. How could you anyway? What would you think every time you looked at him?

I think counselling for yourself is a priority. In the meantime don't see your father, tell him you are having a difficult time with some family issues and need time away. Depending on the crime and your decision you might just not see him again. It is entirely your choice, not that of your family members. Don't be compromised. If its anything sexual it is staggering how minimised it can become and how strong denial is. It's very important you act on what you know to be true by following your instinct. I've been through a sex abuse issue in the family, revealed at age 48 and perpetrator was a woman. Most of the family don't know the full picture as perpetrator is deceased now but even with what they did know it was minimised to 'jokey, overly loving, inappropriate, lack of boundaries, being funny etc etc'. Very difficult when the victims entire life has been shaped by this core dynamic (criminal abuse).

It would depend on what it was, as other posters have said. How do you know that he doesn't realise the gravity of it if he hasn't talked about it? But seeing a counsellor would be a sensible first step.

Sorry, don’t want to drip feed, just the details are quite identifying. It’s sexual, non-consensual though not involving a child, concerns another close family member who elected not to tell my mother to ‘protect’ her. Only I was born at the time (I’m in my 30s now) and siblings went on to be born but they don’t know about it either as they’re quite young.

My mum told me a few months ago though the separation was a few years back. I’ve already been distancing myself because I just don’t know how to be with my dad. She told me some more details about it today which were particularly upsetting and I suppose another issue is that my mum is also treating me as a confidant. I don’t begrudge her that as I know it’s hard and it’s lonely, but all of it is extremely difficult. I wish my family was normal. I have no idea why he did this.

I think coming to terms with the fact that your own father is a rapist has got to be one of the most emotionally horrifying things I can think of. I'm so sorry. Please get help for yourself.

Your mum should not be treating you as a confident. Next time she brings it up you have every right to say you don’t want to talk about it at that moment.

You really should go and get therapy/counselling.

It came out years later when family member had a breakdown and my dad admitted it nonchalantly and spent another period of time telling my mother it was consensual, which it turned out not to be. That’s how I know he minimises. And the way he acts now in relation to other things.

Am so sorry that you have learnt this about your father. It cant be easy for you being your mothers confidante as well as having to deal with your own feelings. is there anyway she can access counselling so that it is not all on you? After being the sole confidante for my own mother for my entire life, I still struggle with details that I just wish she hadn't shared.

I would want to report it to the police.i’m not sure how realistic that is?

I think you need to tell your mother that you are not the person she should be unloading on about all this. It simply isn't fair to you or in anyway appropriate.

Your dad is a rapist? I’d cut him off.

Definitely therapy

Not him I would want to cut off, would be his dick!

NC all the way, absolute scumbag who does not deserve a family! How could you possibly contemplate having some form of tie with him? Clean, cut done and no looking back.

@SadChild I'm so sorry for what you have learned about your dad, I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

I wonder if there is any specialist support for families. The one org I knew of is only for online offending unfortunately.

I do think you will benefit from accessing some counseling or therapy to process this as it's huge and devastating.

You need to think ahead too. Although his offence was not against a child, there's still risks. He could also pose a risk to other adult family members or friends.

I would be very upset if I was unknowingly spending time with a sex offender and was not told.

Again, I'm so sorry and I do hope you can find some help with this.

Yes I agree. Explain gently that you can be a support to each other but she needs to get some outside support.