How to cope when parent has done something horrible?

[SadChild]

Not sure how to cope with this really.

My dad committed a terrible crime against someone in my family (not my mum). Family member has chosen not to pursue it. And it’s historical.

But I’m struggling to come to terms with it, and my dad doesn’t know I know. I’m not sure what I want my relationship with him to be. He also doesn’t seem to comprehend the seriousness of what he did.

Apart from just wanting it all to go away, and wanting to start my own family almost to make up for the fact my own family unit has kind of been torn apart, I don’t really know what to do.

How do I move on from this? What would you do if your parent did something terrible?

Sorry to hear this OP. Have a look at the Stately Homes threads and make sure you have a good confidante yourself (probably therapy is a good idea). Do you know about FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that is often present and keeping us entangled in unhealthy relationships?

How do you feel and what do you want? [Edited to clarify] I mean have you had a gut reaction you're aware of? Or are you still working it out?

When I was 21 or 22 something similar came out in my family, also about my dad, also in an inappropriate way (a relative wrote me a letter) that didn't prioritise my well-being. After the shock of it my first impulse (my gut reaction I guess) was to avoid my father and his family, and I quickly realised that I could just keep doing that, which led to a huge feeling of relief. He had finally fucked up and crossed a big fat line that enough people knew about and no one could fault me for turning my back on it all.

The family was completely fractured but that wasn't anything to do with me, it was just a matter of being on the side of the fracture that I wanted to be on. And I consider myself lucky to be one of the only escapees from that awful family.

My dad was a controlling, hostile alcoholic though, if you've had an otherwise loving relationship with your dad it may feel harder for you.

I sympathise with your desire to be normal and unknow what you now know about your family, that's just life unfortunately, you can only go forward.

I stopped contact, went to therapy. It's really negatively impacted my life. It's so hard to know what you'd do until you're in the situation. You have all my sympathy. Unfortunately unless the family member wants to pursue it there's not much you can do, even if you report it there's no guarantee she'd talk to the police about it. All you can do if offer support when/if she does report it. My dad died recently and it's been a horrible, confusing mix of emotions. I hope you manage to find some closure.

You both need counselling. This is a huge bombshell.

I would immediately wonder who else he has attacked. I could not even look at him. The fact the family member had a breakdown speaks volumes about the pain and harm this has caused them.

How can you move forward? I know I could never forgive or trust my father again. I would be looking to move forward without him.

I would tell him you know, and then not contact him again.

And yes to therapy. Don’t rush into having kids. But remember that his crime is his alone. It does not affect the person you are or the parent you will be. Sending hugs x

I've had to cut all mine out and I've also informed the police because of a new child in my family that is at risk of sexual abuse.
Every case is different but this is what I had to do to heal and be sane.

With that update I would go no contact.
Awful all round. Sorry op.

For him to be nonchalant about it, I would assume he'd done it more than once. I wouldn't want any contact with him.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I am reading all your posts.

@smokingcarriageonly my gut is that really I don’t want to speak to any of my family because it’s all too painful. They live very far away anyway so I don’t see anyone day to day. But I don’t feel I can put my mum through that on top of everything else.

I am, as is my mum, angry at the family member for not saying anything. It is my understanding that the incident itself was a one off, but that there was intermittent harassment as well, for around a decade. I have been racking my brains trying to think if I saw anything or should’ve noticed. But I’ve drawn a blank.

I do need therapy, but it was such a shock that it’s taken me a few months to wrap my head around it. And I still can’t. One element of this is that all of it happened when I was extremely young, but none of my siblings were born. So there’s an added feeling of my father actively deciding to screw up the family he had (me). Not to mention that of course my mum would not have gone on to have more children if she had known of this. That’s not to make myself the victim, far from it, but I think it does make my feelings about it quite complex.

The other difficulty is that my younger siblings are still children.

And finally, there is the fact that of course most people do not know. Outside of my immediate family, nobody knows. I don’t want them to, but it does mean there’s no visible / easy break if that makes sense.

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. But it’s a comfort knowing others have come out the other side. Thank you.

Why are you angry with the victim? Most rape victims struggle to report rape. It’s inconceivable that you should blame them for not coming forward.

Maybe they were threatened to stay silent, terrified, afraid the family would abandon them. The poor thing has had to carry this for decades. The only person in this situation to be angry with and to blame is your father, the rapist.

Angry is probably the wrong word. But I do think not saying anything was unsustainable and the fallout is significantly worse now than it would’ve been had it been dealt with at the time. It’s not her fault.

Your mum needs to get professional therapy and stop compounding your trauma by treating you as a confidante.

In terms of your own reaction: it seems to me that you feel under pressure to do the "right" thing and respond in the "right" way. As if this situation is your responsibility in some way. I just want to remind you that you did not create any of this situation and you don't control it. It is not your problem to fix. Your only job here is to look after yourself and give yourself the time and therapy to deal with your own feelings about it. And this process is allowed to take as much time as it needs. There's no deadline for making any kind of decisions about what to do.

Try to let go of the anger towards the victim. They probably didn't want to say anything because of the potential fall-out, because they were afraid they wouldn't be believed, because they were still processing what happened to them, because of all sorts of reasons. You need to try to find some compassion there.

The person who deserves your anger is the culprit. Your father.

To be honest if my Dad has commited a sexual offences I would never see or speak to him again.

Feel your feelings, whatever they are. Know that you will have a complicated mix. As long as you dont act out towards the victim, you aren't doing anything wrong. But you do need to find a professional to speak to about this.