DS and his GF think I interfered and he won’t let it go

[SingleMum11]

DS 20 has just had a massive go at me, out of the blue, on a rare celebratory meal out with just me and him. He went on a huge rant about how I was awful to his GF, that it was terrible for her and how I had tainted their first love. It completely ruined our evening of course.

What is weird is that he is supposedly broken up with her, but he says that they both really love each other and he won’t be finding anyone else ‘for years’. They are now in different countries hence why he broke up. He also said that she wants to marry him. He doesn’t. He’s going away next week, to see a friend but I think he may be meeting her. It’s unlike him to be so angry, and to be secretive but he did tell me that he isn’t even talking to his friends about her since he’s been back, which is unusual they talk about everything.

He’s back from a year abroad and living with me for his last year at Uni (very normal for my area to live at home at Uni).

This has really upset me, I’m worried and I don’t know how to move past this with him. Advice appreciated!

Quick history:
Over a year ago I expressed a concern over the speed that their relationship.
I posted a year ago about this and at the time most posters thought it was right that I said something.

DS, age 19, met a woman who was over for 3 months to the UK (she lives elsewhere in Europe). They got together on the first night they met and he saw a lot of her. DS lives with me and is at Uni, which is very normal for our area.

DS is really social and has loads of friends, he’s a lovely, kind and loyal guy. Big heart. But she is not social at all. DS friends told him that she was really unfriendly and possessive of him. His friends are a nice group but DS went mad at them. She stayed over a few times but never talked to me at all.

Then DS got a great opportunity to abroad for a year with his Uni. Such a great opportunity and I was keen to help him so also had to partially fund it. I’m not high waged (single parent with a younger child) and it was difficult with visas etc but I got it together.

His GF had to leave to go home, so DS broke it off with her.

But then a week later DS tells me that GF is coincidentally going to the same city at the same time for a job. This is the time that I expressed concerns to him, I was polite. I was clear that I wasn’t telling him what to do with his relationship but that his year abroad was supposed to be about immersing himself in the new place and Uni. He turned down good Uni halls abroad, which everyone else was going to.

He was still angry with me a few days later, but wanted his GF to come and stay for a few nights and I said can we just put a pause. She did stay for the whole of the last week before he went, which was upsetting to be honest as we had lots of nice things planned but I just wanted to keep the peace - a meal out with me and stuff with his siblings - all of which got dropped. I did tell DS that I was upset he’d let down his brother and sister, but he just didn’t get it.

So anyway I decided to just completely back off. I haven’t said a single word for well over a year and just buried any concerns that I had. Let him live his life, make his own choices without any of my opinions thrown in.

DS barely went to college in his year abroad and did not immerse himself in the culture. He made no friends at college. If I’m honest I wouldn’t have funded him if I’d known he’d do this. He did get a part time job though and was trying not to be dependent on my contributions which is a good thing.

He didn’t live with GF but got himself a tiny room, and didn’t get on at all with his housemates (even though I met them and they were lovely women) and barely spent any time there. His GFs job never materialized and she spent 6 months on benefits, but then did get a cash in hand job. They had no mutual friends at all and just spent time at her flat.

Whatever he does with his GF in the future is his call, but I’m a bit sick of every nice times that we have seeming to always come back to his GF.

DS is also not quite the same since he came back. He’s often down, tense. His friends have been great with him but he tells them nothing of his on/off GF. Help!

I think you sound very invested in his life, to an unhealthy level.

While I understand completely that at 19/20 they need some guidance, I would personally refrain from giving any, unless asked.

You need to trust that you equipped him for adult life between 0-18 years of age and leave him to get on with it.

This all sounds very reasonable when written down but his anger hasn't come from nowhere.

One of my best friends (male) had a very overbearing mum who made comment on every girlfriend he had - it was always negative. If she were to say it from her point of view, i'm sure it would be framed how you have - but she really did over step many times. She also said none of the girlfriends made any effort with her but they were scared of her. She couldn't keep her opinion off her face.

Now if you've genuinely only offered a bit of guidance here and there then he may just be a lad of that age, in a complicated relationship and taking it out on you.

But really, you probably do need to take a step back. Mine are not that age yet, a young adult and i appreciate it must be difficult especially if you think they are making mistakes. But as has been shown here, at that age he is not going to thank you for it - my friend certainly didn't and his current girlfriend of 3 years has never met his mum because of this.

I have taken a massive step back, which is the point I’m making.

I haven’t said a single word in over a year. He bought up this up with me, out of the blue.

Sounds to me like he's not in a great place and used you as an emotional punch bag with his behaviour on your meal out.
In your shoes I'd be encouraging him to talk so I could understand where he's at. I remember your previous thread, and I'm surprised how his year away turned out. Doesn't sound very healthy.
If he does talk, just listen and acknowledge. Resist advising or guiding for now at least.

I remember your original post way back when. I remember thinking that I’d also have been worried, in your shoes. If my own son was compromising his education and career like yours was, I’d have struggled to keep quiet.

But just back off for now, apologise maybe. Your sons friends aren’t fans of this woman, he’ll listen to them. Encourage him to be social. The best way to forget her, will be in the arms of another. Just let nature take its course.

Well you did interfere by getting involved and expressing an opinion to him so he's right about that. It may well have been the right thing to do for your DS but that doesn't mean that he will be happy about or that he won't shoot the messenger here (I.e.you). I think you will have to take this one on the chin and hope that his infatuation will pass.

The best way to encourage a child to stay with an unsuitable boyfriend/girlfriend is for their parents to disapprove.

You sat down with him twice to say that you disapprove of his girlfriend.

That will have driven him way way away from you.

You ask how do you move past this - never comment on his girlfriend again.

Either he will move on from her or he won't.

If he moves on from her you don't have a problem. If he doesn't then they both know how much you don't like her and you have set the scene for major family problems in the future.

I remember your earlier post, too. And people felt that you were absolutely right to be concerned and to express that carefully.
Those now saying that you shouldn't have said a word, are overlooking the fact that you were funding him for that year, and he totally changed his focus. Any parent funding something at that kind of cost can absolutely express their concerns, and I doubt there's anyone on this board who wouldn't.

The relationship is clearly toxic and his siblings also were let down by him. Again, it's okay to say something. You've stood back for a whole year, so I'm not sure how anyone can now say you've been unreasonable.

I tend to agree with this:

Sounds to me like he's not in a great place and used you as an emotional punch bag with his behaviour on your meal out.

It's a horrible position to be in, but I suspect that you have to let this play out.

Astonishing that people are calling you interfering and overbearing…
I don’t know if that’s a western idea to completely back off when children turn 18…but very sad.

I think you’ve done and said all you can do (and from what you’ve said you’ve been very reasonable). I think you just need to stress that you are there to support him, hold back on the guidance and just be there as a sounding board. It’s key to keep communication lines open that way you can gently encourage and help should he need it.

Also I deffo think you should let it run its course and play out. If you don’t listen, you feel. In this case, I don’t think it’ll end well with this girl and he’ll learn by the difficulty of the situation.

I would hope that his rant has got it out of his system and not mention it again. I understand you are worried about him, I would be too, but there is absolutely no "right" advice you can give. Even if he asks directly for your opinion only say that you love him and want him to be happy and trust he will make the best decision.

You did the right thing. If he didn't want your input, he shouldn't have taken your money and then wasted it. I think the poster who said he's using you to vent his unhappiness is right. This is about his feelings toward her, not about you.

Thanks for your responses. It probably makes more sense those of you who saw my original post a year ago.

Just to be clear, I did not bring this up with him and did not express my opinion in the last year at all. I expressed, carefully, my concern only once over a year ago.

My concern is that he has been harbouring anger and is taking it out on me right now. He is also very distracted and not engaging with his siblings at all since he’s been back. It feels like this issue is still a bit of a black cloud over his relationship with me and his family. And because I have backed off completely over months and months, I’m not sure what to do.

Thanks.

I even apologised when he bought it up and just said that I’d be there for him. But he kept on accusing me of stuff about his GF over a year ago and most of it actually didn’t happen. I have only a few months more living with him before he finishes so my main concern is that this continues to hang over us.

He is also very distracted and not engaging with his siblings at all since he’s been back. It feels like this issue is still a bit of a black cloud over his relationship with me and his family. And because I have backed off completely over months and months, I’m not sure what to do.

You say he's living at home for his last year of uni. I think you would be quite justified in telling him that he has to respect living in a shared household and that while he may be angry with you he doesn't get to take it out on his siblings.

I think HE thinks that at some point he was influenced by you. What he's angry about is that he didn't know his own mind.
That's for him to figure out. If he considers himself enmeshed, then it's up to him to figure out where he ends and you start

He hates you for wanting him to get the most out of university

I remember your thread. I felt a bit envious of your relationship with your son because my son is all hubris and has little empathy.

Reckon you'll mend things, but tip toe around him for a while leaving him to it. His life is in his hands a d resist the temptation to advise him.
He sounds like he wSted a year. He could have had a great year. You were right. That must be do fucking annoying when he's trying to figure out how much weight your views have on his choices.

Shrug shrug shrug. Don't give him so much as a weather update until he asks you what u yhink

He sounds very highly strung

How is he doing on his course? Have there been any repercussions for him doing so little work during his year abroad? It may be that he's lining up excuses in case he fails.

I recall clearly your last thread and was very supportive of your concerns.

He is not happy and is using you as his emotional punching bag.

Children do that sometimes.

Stop apologising.

Do not apologise again.

I have a very low threshold for being blamed for stuff I am not responsible for.

How convenient for him to blame you.

He misused a great opportunity, thats on HIM.

Tell him that while he is living at home you expect respect, and you will accept that he needs to move out if that is too difficult for him to master.

You did your best last year for him. HE blew it.

He's not a kid anymore.
He needs to be told behaviour and choices have consequences.

You are not anyone's emotional punching bag and he better remember it.

Not a good habit for men to get into thinking they can take their shit out on women, any woman.

He needs to be told to watch his tone with you.

I think I’d would just stand firm:

I told you once, over a year ago that I had concerns. I have not mentioned it again. As your mother I am never going to feel badly about expressing concern when it’s warranted, no matter how much you dislike it. I think you should examine your feelings and figure out what you are really angry about.

He's trying to deflect or blame you for the failed toxic relationship he got himself into. I would be livid with him, he sounds rude and disrespectful and didn't actually keep to his side of the bargain with the study abroad thing. He has been foolish and feels silly but he can't bring himself to take any responsibility.

Tell him how disappointed you are that he caused such a scene and that is was hurtful and totally disrespectful. That all you have ever done is support him, and that you're not responsible for his decisions. Whatever he wants to do with toxic GF is his decision. Good luck

I think I'd bite my tongue, sit down and apologise for interfering, say you were obviously wrong about their relationship and all you wanted was for him to be happy and enjoy his year away and ask how he would like you to fix things going forward. Offer to have her round for dinner or whatever so you can demonstrate you're making an effort. Tell him his siblings miss him.

I don't think you've done anything wrong and I think his relationship doesn't sound particularity healthy and I think he knows this deep down. But knowing that you are 'on his side' will help if and when he does want to leave.

He did fail the year abroad. This last month he got one last chance from the Uni and had to submit lots of work that he’d missed and just scraped a pass.

Thanks so much again for all your replies, I have reflected on all of them

I think my surprise is how much he did upset me, he was quite unrelenting and continued to just pile on, warning me to ‘never be like that again’. I had to tell him to stop. A lot of what he said was also totally untrue e.g. that I’d banned her from the house (she spent most of the last week before he left at our house). I found that weird.

I will steer clear of his relationship or any advice, but I will I think tell him how he upset me. It’s given me a really uncomfortable feeling, thinking he’s harbouring these resentments about me.

I think you have to push back, or he will just continue. I’ve never had a good outcome by pretending someone is being reasonable when they are so far off the mark.

It feels to me that perhaps he could be feeling a shift in his relationship with the gf. And deep inside he feels that you may have been right and he does not like that or is uncomfortable with the feeling so is being extra defensive.
I agree with taking a step back, being supportive in a non committal way and just waiting for it to play out.