DS and his GF think I interfered and he won’t let it go

[SingleMum11]

DS 20 has just had a massive go at me, out of the blue, on a rare celebratory meal out with just me and him. He went on a huge rant about how I was awful to his GF, that it was terrible for her and how I had tainted their first love. It completely ruined our evening of course.

What is weird is that he is supposedly broken up with her, but he says that they both really love each other and he won’t be finding anyone else ‘for years’. They are now in different countries hence why he broke up. He also said that she wants to marry him. He doesn’t. He’s going away next week, to see a friend but I think he may be meeting her. It’s unlike him to be so angry, and to be secretive but he did tell me that he isn’t even talking to his friends about her since he’s been back, which is unusual they talk about everything.

He’s back from a year abroad and living with me for his last year at Uni (very normal for my area to live at home at Uni).

This has really upset me, I’m worried and I don’t know how to move past this with him. Advice appreciated!

Quick history:
Over a year ago I expressed a concern over the speed that their relationship.
I posted a year ago about this and at the time most posters thought it was right that I said something.

DS, age 19, met a woman who was over for 3 months to the UK (she lives elsewhere in Europe). They got together on the first night they met and he saw a lot of her. DS lives with me and is at Uni, which is very normal for our area.

DS is really social and has loads of friends, he’s a lovely, kind and loyal guy. Big heart. But she is not social at all. DS friends told him that she was really unfriendly and possessive of him. His friends are a nice group but DS went mad at them. She stayed over a few times but never talked to me at all.

Then DS got a great opportunity to abroad for a year with his Uni. Such a great opportunity and I was keen to help him so also had to partially fund it. I’m not high waged (single parent with a younger child) and it was difficult with visas etc but I got it together.

His GF had to leave to go home, so DS broke it off with her.

But then a week later DS tells me that GF is coincidentally going to the same city at the same time for a job. This is the time that I expressed concerns to him, I was polite. I was clear that I wasn’t telling him what to do with his relationship but that his year abroad was supposed to be about immersing himself in the new place and Uni. He turned down good Uni halls abroad, which everyone else was going to.

He was still angry with me a few days later, but wanted his GF to come and stay for a few nights and I said can we just put a pause. She did stay for the whole of the last week before he went, which was upsetting to be honest as we had lots of nice things planned but I just wanted to keep the peace - a meal out with me and stuff with his siblings - all of which got dropped. I did tell DS that I was upset he’d let down his brother and sister, but he just didn’t get it.

So anyway I decided to just completely back off. I haven’t said a single word for well over a year and just buried any concerns that I had. Let him live his life, make his own choices without any of my opinions thrown in.

DS barely went to college in his year abroad and did not immerse himself in the culture. He made no friends at college. If I’m honest I wouldn’t have funded him if I’d known he’d do this. He did get a part time job though and was trying not to be dependent on my contributions which is a good thing.

He didn’t live with GF but got himself a tiny room, and didn’t get on at all with his housemates (even though I met them and they were lovely women) and barely spent any time there. His GFs job never materialized and she spent 6 months on benefits, but then did get a cash in hand job. They had no mutual friends at all and just spent time at her flat.

Whatever he does with his GF in the future is his call, but I’m a bit sick of every nice times that we have seeming to always come back to his GF.

DS is also not quite the same since he came back. He’s often down, tense. His friends have been great with him but he tells them nothing of his on/off GF. Help!

Yep. But I suspect that when the relationship finally ends, he's going to blame OP. And that's going to be awful.

@SingleMum11 , do his siblings defend you at all? It seems like he needs someone other than you to step in and tell him that he's out of order, and challenge his version of events, like his claim that you banned her. Presumably his siblings were present when she spent that last week with you?

You're right to be upset. He's not appreciative of what you did for him then he piles on.

He's obviously still in love no matter the state of their relationship currently.

If it comes up again, anything you said was because you were worried about him and wanted his year to be a success. As he girlfriend she obviously would want the same so you're not sure what the issue is. You were never rude and if she perceived your stress at the time as such then you are genuinely sorry that happened.

And don't invest financially or emotionally in his relationship. Whatever you say will definitely be wrong.

I think you need to push back very hard.

I would not allow his lies about what actually happened to stand.

That is a terrible precedent to allow him to set.

He fxxks up.
Blames you.
Manipulates the truth.
Lies.

Not a chance would I let that stand.

I have two sons in University around that age and no way would I allow that to go unchallenged.

He needs to own HIS mess.

Resist getting upset.

Far more important that you show him you will not tolerate his manipulation of the truth.

I remember your post and understand - but there's no point keeping quiet about his relationship but telling him how's upset you are! It will sound exactly the same to him - you being overbearing. From his perspective, you will be demanding an apology for being hurt by the truth that you are overbearing and I expect he'll be enraged.

I think he knows you are right about his girlfriend and resents that fact, and was probably trying to hurt you on some level. But if I were you I would do my utmost to swallow this for now. He's not yet fully mature, and the likelihood is that he will mature further over the next couple of years. Perhaps then you will be able to clear the air about all of it, and let him know he was unfair in this.

I too, recall your post last year.
You did your best then and are doing your best now.

Until he has dc of his own, he just won't understand.

I'd be tempted to tell the ungrateful little so-and-so to move out if he's so resentful of you.

Totally agree with @Ffsmakeitstop he sounds an ungrateful little 💩 especially after you funded his year away!

I've not read all the replies so I am not sure if this has already been suggested. To me it doesn't sound like it is you and possibly not his g/f but more your son's behaviour in relation to his gf. Is there any history or possibility of MH issues as it sounds like everything at least in his eyes revolves around his GF. Apart from not integrating over there or studying hard - was he happy - ie happy in his relationship? It sounds to be like he is taking out on you his unhappiness - could this venting be a way (albeit a shit way) of letting you know how he is feeling?

I remember your posts last year- it didn't sound like a healthy relationship in the early stages and nothing seems to have changed. Even a year ago it seemed like he was conflicted about the relationship- and you're an easy target for him to vent his confusion, frustration and anger at while simultaneously being in the background to help financially and sorry out accommodation etc. All you can do is tell him what's okay and what's not okay: it's okay to have big feelings but it's not okay to be disrespectful.

I also remember your posts from last year.

The difficulty always was that as soon as you said anything you risked being seen by them as in the wrong. Given what your DS stood to lose (valuable experience on his year abroad) I think you did the right thing, and I'm sorry things have worked out like this.

I agree with others that you should say nothing further about his relationship. I do think it would be very reasonable to express your hurt, and also to refute any untrue accusations. Setting boundaries around behaviour while he lives with you would also make sense.

I hope that over the next year his outlook matures.

Agree with everyone else. He's fucked up his year abroad, he's fucked up his degree, his friends didn't like her and he can either blame himself, her or you. And you're the easiest target.

You spoke to him about this and he took no notice and it went belly up. Now he's got nobody to blame so he's lashing out at you.

It's so unfair. Unfortunately with this sort of relationship you have to wait for it to end - I've been through this with a child and I know they stayed longer because they were trying to prove a point. Now we're not allowed to mention that person's name.

I don't recall your previous thread (link? It would probably stop a pile on of people telling you you're hard work and you've obviously interfered!)...

I suspect he now realises you were right. He can't admit that, so its festering in his mind and he's directing his anger about how things have gone, how he's fucked up, things haven't panned out how he hoped... at you.

I suspect your role here is to let it bounce off you until he pulls his head out of his arse... how you do that, I dunno. I am the shouty 'go fuck yourself' type not the 'let it bounce off' type really.

I remember your last thread too, its a shame hes wasted the opportunity but could this all be part of a bigger issue, is he not getting on with his course? I knew a lot of people who were academic at school and college who just didn't get on with university or the course they picked.

I think you had every right to be concerned. It was rushed, he didn't do nice planned things in the week before he left. He didn't immerse himself in the year abroad. He chose to finish with her. But is now blaming you, lashing out and using you as a punchbag.

In time maybe some counselling for him? One where you can also go for just one session, and you can talk about how you feel. (Or arrange your own, but ask him to come for one session say 8 of 12).

You raised him!

Did you intend to rear such a whingey child?

pp asked if siblings stick up for you? How old are they? My middle brother insisted something happened in our childhood until one day he said it again infront of mum, me and older brother and we are corrected him telling him that wasn't how it was!

You didn't ban her at all. She was there for the last week.
I'd have to push back, and correct him on that.

Oh ffs listen to yourself.

I think as mothers we can put up with too much sometimes and it can backfire bigtime.

Last year one of my sons friends decided to blow off going to Canada for the summer as he had met a girl in the spring.

His mother had warned him he might regret it, but he knew better and didn't book with his friends to head off.

Summer comes and his friends head off in June.

Late in June she gets an offer of free accommodation in Greece with friends for a month, and she dumps him and is gone.
Who would blame her?🙄

He can't join his friends and is absolutely devastated.

His mother offers him lots of sympathy and support until he tries to blame HER, at 22, for not warning him of the perils of not booking Canada.🙄

She tells him to get a grip, and learn from it....

....and to not allow his future, once in a life time plans, to be thrown off by a girl he was going out with for 6 weeks.

I have just reminded MY son of this fxxk up his friend made, and to be very wary regarding his decisions about next summer, as he is also in a new relationship and his friends are now brain storming about the USA for 4 months etc..

I am spelling it out clearly to him because I care deeply and as his parent it is my job to do this.

The decision is his, but if he is silly enough to not listen to me, I will not accept responsibility for it if things do not pan out.

I have spelt this out clearly too.

Some people cannot be told, which is their choice, but at 20 we do them no favours allowing them to blame us.

I think the OP has really done her best here, and needs to be very firm that if he wants to behave like an adult that won't take any advice from anyone, he sure as hell had better not come back playing the blame game and indulging in revisionism of the facts.

As a mother of sons I would be doing mine no favours thinking that they can behave like that towards me.

They sure as hell wouldn't dream of blaming their father, so I certainly won't be accepting it!

Young adults definitely use us as punching bags. I am very clear with my kids when they behave this way. I say that I understand they are upset and I really feel for them. I realise they are venting at me because I love them unconditionally and they know I will always support them.

However, I will not accept rudeness and I consider such behaviour unreasonable and unfair. I think it is important to put those boundaries in place. We can show them that we love them and that we understand why they are acting out, but we can also speak up and say it is not acceptable. We love them but are not doormats.

I think he needs to be told that lots of what he said is untrue, eg banning her from the house when she was there for the whole last week. He also needs to be told that he can behave or find somewhere else to live if his attitude is so poor.

@billy1966 you have a lot of good advice there, it’s so tricky the balance between support, wanting our kids to be able to make their own choices and also being genuine enough to be able to voice a concern. And also not be taken a punch bag ourselves! That young lad who ruined his Canada experience, I don’t think he realises how important and fantastic those experiences can be - with friends on an adventure. They just can’t be replicated, his friends will have had a unique bonding experience and one they will never forget.

@Oblomov23 and @Triumvirate I think my DS did devalue me, in that he pulled apart everything from over a year ago to diminish my motives and character. He doesn’t realise that of course, but reducing me to a jealous, meddling petty mum is not OK and not really how we generally are as mum and son. We usually have a lot of respect on both sides!

His sibling is young and has disabilities. As a single mum also I have the added the difficulty of an Ex who is keen to be the ‘nice parent’ and has gone out of his way to support his relationship with his GF (but did not contribute one penny to his year abroad but that’s another story… !)

@OhComeOnFFS and @bluegreygreen I hope he matures also - he’s already saying that he’s having second thoughts about a big Australia trip with his good friends (and suggesting Thailand which I think is GFs idea).

My son has devalued me I'm a single mum too. He wound down communication down years ago hasn't been that chatty affectionate kid since he was 13. He became very intimidating at home. Like the alpha gorilla in the house. I sent him to a male relative and he is very angry,but he was angry before too. A social worker was here earlier in the week and he just doesn't get it. I am trying to reconnect but I sense that any fawning approach will make the core issue worse. He doesn't respect me. He has reduced me to some figure of contempt in his mind and the social worker is telling to keep telling him I love him. After he responded "bitch" to mu last attempt to connect. I feel instinctively that the best response to that would be "I'd rather be a bitch than a sucker"

I haven't responded to it (yet).been thinking about what I want out of any communication and it's not to make him believe that I love him NO MATTER WHAT. I've told him I am glad he is safe. The way he is treating me with such contempt right now, the communication that will fix things hopefully (long term) is not along the lines of "oh I love you no matter much you frighten me with the rage you seem to feel towards me to make me scared of you" et cetera.

Do you feel better now @SingleMum11 😫

@WeeDove that sounds very difficult.

I think it comes down to what you ultimately want to model to your children.

I absolutely believe it is possible to be a loving, kind parent who is in their corner, but whom has respect for themselves and will not accept being treated otherwise.

Your son is angry and it doesn't sound as if that will change soon.

In your place I would tell him you will always love him and be open to a relationship with him when he is prepared to treat you with the respect you deserve.

Until such time as he can do that, you understand that he will need his space.

Do not take sole responsibility for the relationship that you have with each other.
He has his part to play too.

You dont owe anyone, even your own child, a relationship with you that involes your intimidation and emotional abuse.

Post 18 and in University and general life, we can only reiterate that we love them and want the best for them.

That our advice comes solely from a place where we want them to have the best life possible.

That lads mum had to see his upset for weeks during that summer having warned him thst he might bitterly regret his decision.

His hormones made the decision for him and he had to watch on social media the fantastic summer he missed out on.

Teens often live very much in the moment with an inability to look at things from all angles and to imagine how they will feel 6 months down the line.

As the OP has pointed out, we see these opportunities as precious and want our children to reap the full benefits of them.

But when they push back hard and refuse to listen to us, IMO to angrily blame us after the event is not on.

They need gentle but firm reminding that THEIR decision making brought them to this place, and the best they can do now, is to learn from it.

They gain nothing if they won't listen to advice and blame others when things don't work out for them.

They will never mature if that goes unchallenged.

We all know adults that have no accountability and always blame others for their fxxk ups.

In work or in private they are awful to be around.

It's not about blame, it's about growth and learning from our decisions and the consequences of them.

It's a really important but tricky part of parenting young adults, helping them to learn good decision making.

Not easy though.