How did you feel when your teenager had a party whilst you were on holiday?

[happyhappysad]

My teen did this last week. I'm more upset about it than I 'think' I should be.
She asked if she could have three friends round, yes of course.
She'd asked me to move lots of stuff from my workroom so it would look neat, and cut the hedge in the front, stuff like that which I was happy to do and didn't suspect anything.
I trusted her. I asked her 'you're not having a party are you'? and she said lots of times no I'd hate to have loads of people in the house like that, I'd be so worried things would get broken.
So the day we left she must've cleared all my vases, paperwork, things that make a house a home, and I've got lots of bits, pics etc, and dumped it all in my bedroom.
The day after this event she told me she'd fallen and sprained her knee but her friends were looking after her and not to come home. ( we only went for 5 days about 150 miles away).
A couple of days later she told me it was so painful so I got her Dad, my ex, to take her to a and e. She's chipped a bone in her leg and torn a ligament.
When we came home the house was odd, none of my stuff was where it usually is, damage to my antique cabinet, loads of my stuff in my bedroom, a dehumidifier that she'd left full of liquid on my bed had spilled all over my duvet ( she was upset about that and had tried to clean it but left a massive soggy pool of water in the middle of the duvet just left on my mattress).
She was still adamant she'd had three girls round, then she upped it to five.
There were feathers everywhere, I was sort of confused but her Dad and my partner said she's obviously had a party but I still couldn't believe it and she looked me in the eyes and denied it.
I saw some photos on social media and yes of course she's had a huge party, she couldn't clear up because of her leg so her friends had tried to do it.
She still denied it up until I showed her the photos, then stared at me for ages and went back to tapping on her phone. No sorry, no explanation.
Her friends have been in and out of my bedroom trying to sort the house out, my private space, I don't even know these people.
Obviously I'm worried about her leg, she might need an op, she's going to be off college and socialising for the next who knows how many months. It's a real fuck up for her.
I feel angry, betrayed, as if I've been burgled.
I've got stage four cancer, I'm trying to live without stress, this has devastated me.
Should I just get over it? I know most people just laugh and say my teen did that, they all do it, so am I odd to feel so upset about this?

I think the circumstances surrounding your health are probably exacerbating your reaction to this which is understanding.

I think it's what you call a right of passage having a party whilst you're parents are away.. I would be giving her a stern bollocking, grounding her and telling her she's disrespectful and now she's untrustworthy.

But I wouldn't be devastated. You are the parent, she needs to know there's consequences to her actions

Your*

She broke your trust, and lied, so you are right to feel let down and annoyed.
I am not sure what age she is, but is there a chance of taking her with you/her staying with another relative next time you are away?
I know some people see this as 'right of passage' but I just see it as being lied to and breaking trust, especially when you were kind and tried to accommodate her having a small gathering.

It’s not odd to be upset, but I think the fact you are ill and she’s injured are likely exacerbating the situation a lot.

Sounds like you both have a lot on your plates

I truly hope that your cancer goes into remission and you beat this awful thing... But if it was me I would really be thinking about the memories that I would want to leave my daughter with.

All life is too short.
Tell her off, make her make it up in some way... But carrying it on is a waste.

You also haven't mentioned her emotions surrounding her mum having cancer also. She's probably very scared about this.

A party is a pretty normal teenage activity.
You are reasonable to be upset and cross, but it would be unreasonable to make a huge deal over it.

It sounds like her injury is already a punishment enough

I knew that my son (17) and daughter (19) had had a party because the house was so much tidier and cleaner than when we went away. They were quite sheepish.

How old is she?
Teens have been having parties when their parents went away since time began.
I wldnt be arsed pussyfooting around asking her and waiting for her to deny it.
If it was my house the conversation wld be this:
I know you had a party. Don't bother lying.
It only makes you a liar. Having a sneaky party makes u a twat. Lying about it when u have been rumbled not only makes you a liar, but a stupid liar. Grow up and accept the fact that you have been rumbled and u just had your last free gaff/party.
And I'd just ignore any teenage stroppy bs she tried to fob off on me.
I'd make it v clear I saw right through her.
And I'd then get back to rearing her and hope she copped on eventually.
Like all teenagers.

I'd be disappointed in the lying, but I don't think I would be bothered about the party to be honest. As long as nothing was broken or stolen and they had treated the place with respect.

I know the humidifier spilled on your bed, but it's not a disaster.

You're just prolonging your own upset really.

I would tell your daughter how upset you are about the lying though and how important mutual trust is.

Yep my (resident) stepson did this. Lots of discussions about how we were going to trust him (we were going on a family holiday with our two very much younger kids, he didn't want to come nor stay at his mother's), that he could have friends round but no party and to look after the place.
I came home before my husband and as soon as I opened the door knew he'd done it. A painting Gad been ripped, a window broken, my husband's rail card stolen, my sone cot broken etc etc. worse, someone had smashed my neighbours car windscreen! He owned up immediately said it had got out on sale cual and loads of kids he didn't know showed up. Apparently he was so distressed about it he told a teacher at school. But he didn't try to clean it up - he went into denial and the builders we had working in an extension cleaned up the garden (full of bottles etc). I was furious but I think he'd already learned his lesson.
In your case that she is still denying it in face of evidence is beyond belief. That would make me far angrier and I'd be cutting off her phone for a bit until she is a up and makes amends. Sure she may be having trouble dealing with your illness but no excuse for continuing to lie.

YANBU at all, I'd be really, really upset about this. She's not managing to deal with it in a mature way which is compounding the matter. I suppose the best you can take from it is that her mates at least rallied round a bit to help clean up, they're probably not a bad sort.

I'm sorry about your cancer, wishing you health and happiness going forward.

I’d be upset and angry. I’ve got a doorbell camera and I’d make sure it was charged up and my kids knew that so not excusing taking it down. I think though if my DD had a party (she’s 15) I’d be half angry, half happy, as she’s so quiet and doesn’t socialise. Opposite to me as a kid. I think I’d be angry she had many opportunities to tell the truth.

YANBU. What did you do when at she ignored you? Hope you came down on her like a ton of bricks and removed all privileges.

You are putting yourself so far down the priority list here my darling.

Your health. You must have a million emotions. So does your DD and she doesn’t want to trouble you. So she is being an ostrich.

It is all completely understandable and normal behaviour. You are doing brilliantly. She is an adolescent pulling away from her creator, that’s what she is meant to do. She is healthier than if she was being a martyr.

I know my teens lie to me about things. I lied to my parents too. I turn a blind eye up to a certain point. I think the party has resulted in its own natural consequence for her tbh.

The invasion of privacy- honestly teens find their parents generation so irrelevant that they won’t have been at all interested in any of your stuff. I wouldn’t worry about that.

Sending huge love and solidarity to you.

You are right to be annoyed, but from the wording you've used it does sound as if you are overreacting. Hope things get better for you soon

I don't think I could be bothered to get too angry about this.

At the end of the day, it's done. By all means punish her if you want to, although she's effectively punished herself by hurting herself, so its not like grounding her is likely to do a lot!

But then try to get over it. If you leave a teen at home alone, stuff like this is likely to happen. She did her best to make sure things didn't get damaged, and the fact that stuff did anyway will make her think twice about doing similar in the future.

At the end of the day, you've got bigger stuff to focus your energy on at the moment, and living in a hostile environment at home won't help. So punish her, forgive her, and move on.

It would be the no sorry or explanation that would get me

Oh please don’t be mad at her, she knows she’s stuffed up, these house parties often get out of control and it might not have been completely her fault! (Ie friends inviting more etc). She probably didn’t know what to say, hence the silence. It’s just ‘stuff’ and sounds like no lasting damage to your house xx look after each other and get better soon.

My parents never said anything despite the neighbours probably telling them, when I had a party.
However, my DSis was fuming, she was 16 and went abroad with my parents. A lot of her friends were raving about a brilliant party they’d been to, it eventually dawned on her that they were talking about our house.
She still reminds me about it 40+ yrs on.
I’m not sure I would be as happy if DS had a party, with sm it can get way out of hand. All of the parties he’s been to have been organised by parents who have been around all night. He does mix with a well healed crowd who have enough room to hold their own festivals though.
I know that a good few of the year he was in took drugs and I would hate for anything to happen when he was alone. I’m pretty certain this is the reason he has never had a party. He hates drug use. I’m also pretty forensic in my observations so he’d never get away with it.

There are parties and then there are parties. I'd be fuming about an all out party where there were people you daughter didn't know there but if it was just a larger than normal get together I might not mind so much. I'd be mad about the lying though.

I'd hate to have strange teen wandering around my house without my knowledge.

Teens have a name for houses that are free from parents - can’t remember it - but it’s so common for them to do this. We’ve only been away a couple of times & no parties, but sleepover when first floor windows left wide open 🙄 and plenty of mess.
I am sorry about your diagnosis, but that must also be impacting on your dd and possibly why she wanted to have the party? She probably feels worse cos of her injury - she tried to get friends to help etc. maybe she can help by paying back damage in instalments (we’ve had damage after parties but as I’ve agreed I’ve left it go, wouldn’t be so lenient if it wasn’t planned).

The party, I agreed bound to happen. Annoying but done.

The lying, to my face, that's why I would be furious.

I was a court solicitor for many years, reduced sentence for early guilty plea, full cooperation, remorse, all these things.

I would be very disappointed by the lie

Called a Gaffy round where I'm from

And actually the lying is likely contributing to how you are feeling.

Had it been a call

Mum I'm so sorry, this is what happened, I'm hurt I can't clean it up, I want to fix this, etc etc then I bet you would feel different

I'd be livid. It's your home. You didn't agree to this! A few friends, not fucking Animal House!
I don't want you to feel stressed, so you have to let it go, but you are absolutely allowed to calmly say to your daughter" that you are very disappointed she did this behind your back. And implement a consequence of some kind.
Some parents don't mind when their teens have house parties, I very much would, and my kids know that, so I feel for you.

It may be perceived by some as a rite of passage but it's not necessarily a RIGHT of passage.
Does your daughter realize how serious your condition is? The lack of consideration leaves me breathless. As does the lying and stonewalling. I can't believe the posters here who are suggesting that you are being unreasonable in being upset. And your daughter should be paying from her own funds for all repairs.