How did you feel when your teenager had a party whilst you were on holiday?

[happyhappysad]

My teen did this last week. I'm more upset about it than I 'think' I should be.
She asked if she could have three friends round, yes of course.
She'd asked me to move lots of stuff from my workroom so it would look neat, and cut the hedge in the front, stuff like that which I was happy to do and didn't suspect anything.
I trusted her. I asked her 'you're not having a party are you'? and she said lots of times no I'd hate to have loads of people in the house like that, I'd be so worried things would get broken.
So the day we left she must've cleared all my vases, paperwork, things that make a house a home, and I've got lots of bits, pics etc, and dumped it all in my bedroom.
The day after this event she told me she'd fallen and sprained her knee but her friends were looking after her and not to come home. ( we only went for 5 days about 150 miles away).
A couple of days later she told me it was so painful so I got her Dad, my ex, to take her to a and e. She's chipped a bone in her leg and torn a ligament.
When we came home the house was odd, none of my stuff was where it usually is, damage to my antique cabinet, loads of my stuff in my bedroom, a dehumidifier that she'd left full of liquid on my bed had spilled all over my duvet ( she was upset about that and had tried to clean it but left a massive soggy pool of water in the middle of the duvet just left on my mattress).
She was still adamant she'd had three girls round, then she upped it to five.
There were feathers everywhere, I was sort of confused but her Dad and my partner said she's obviously had a party but I still couldn't believe it and she looked me in the eyes and denied it.
I saw some photos on social media and yes of course she's had a huge party, she couldn't clear up because of her leg so her friends had tried to do it.
She still denied it up until I showed her the photos, then stared at me for ages and went back to tapping on her phone. No sorry, no explanation.
Her friends have been in and out of my bedroom trying to sort the house out, my private space, I don't even know these people.
Obviously I'm worried about her leg, she might need an op, she's going to be off college and socialising for the next who knows how many months. It's a real fuck up for her.
I feel angry, betrayed, as if I've been burgled.
I've got stage four cancer, I'm trying to live without stress, this has devastated me.
Should I just get over it? I know most people just laugh and say my teen did that, they all do it, so am I odd to feel so upset about this?

It's the lying that would annoy me . I left my ds when he was 17 and told him he could have a few friends round his 'few' turned out to be around 70 , it took a day to tidy up apparently but the house was cleaner than when we went as he had done such a good job ( with help from his sister and female friend his mates were nowhere to be seen for the big clean up !) she probably lied as she knew she would be in trouble .

The party wouldn't bother me - the lying would!
All teenagers like parties, and they are notoriously crap at tidying up. But lying?

You're talking about a RITE of passage, as in ritual, and no, in no way does she have a "right" to it.

All the more so given her mother is a) extremely ill and b) had specifically warned her off not once, but several times. It's not as if there was some kind of tacit understanding.

I'd be furious and what's more, I'd expect her to fully cover all the damage assuming there's no insurance cover. DD can sell off her electronics- there'd be no more privileges anyway.

If it had been me, I would be furious but (secretly quite impressed. As other poster’s have mentioned, the whole “rite of passage” thing). That’s not to say there would be no consequence though - I would never have let them known I was secretly impressed. I would have been furious knowing random teenagers had been in and out of my personal space.

But in your situation, I don’t think the secret admiration would even begin to appear. Your child knows the situation with your health and really should not be putting any extra stress on you like this. Totally out of order.

My parents always had the rule of no party unless they were home (to avoid lots of uninvited teens showing up), and they would call two hours before they got home for me to tidy.
i would be upset about how she broke the trust, continued to lie about and isn’t the slightest remorseful.
and for me that would mean no more staying home alone.
because these days you really do risk people announcing parties on social media and they can very easily get out of hand.

I remember last summer doing a big clean in my DD’s room, and finding loads of vapes. I had this overwhelming, disproportionate feeling at having been betrayed and lied to. I felt completely unsettled and upset about it for days. You are feeling similar, I think, OP. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not really a big deal, but it seems huge right now.
clearly you can’t trust her again, and I would put some sanctions in place, not least because she doesn’t even seem sorry.
I hope her leg is okay, and also that your treatment continues to go well.

I'd be annoyed about the party, but over it quickly enough. However the bare-faced lying time and again, plus lack of remorse would make me see red.

Of course it's understandable for you to be upset. You trusted her and she broke your trust and now she's lying about it. She knows you're very ill yet she doesn't give a shit about your personal space and privacy being invaded. I'd be really angry and quite disappointed about that and I'd let her know how I felt.

Rite of passage my arse

I expected it tbh but nothing ever got broken and he didn’t lie to me. In your situation, I’d be really disappointed.

Thanks everyone.
She's 18. She's not talking to me, just giving me evil stares and had the nerve to just say to me 'I said sorry' as if that would be enough and she actually hasn't.
She knows about the cancer, she's having counselling at the local hospice. She actually doesn't seem to give a shit about it.
There's not really any sanctions I can put on her as she won't be going anywhere for months with her leg situation.
It's ironic because I had a party earlier on in the year and she point blank refused to lift a finger to help get the house looking good, and there I was getting things straight in my house for a party I didn't know she was planning. I feel like a total mug and I feel manipulated.

Also we wanted her to come with us - she thought it sounded boring so asked to stay at home, obviously seeing it as a golden opportunity. First time we've left her. We won't be able to go away again like this, and it had been so relaxing and good for us.

I felt utterly sick. So much could have gone wrong. And someone(s) had slept in my bed so I felt a bit violated.

looking like she doesn’t give a shit about her mum having stage 4 cancer doesn’t mean she doesn’t give a shit about it.

Shes most likely a terrified teenager who doesn’t have a clue how to handle it.

And she’s going to do annoying teenage things - over analysing it won’t help either of you.

She did a thing millions of teens have done before her and it went wrong.

Shes probably now wondering why things always go wrong in her life.

Yes it needs dealt with, but blowing into a bigger deal that necessary isn’t going to help either of you.

I was devastated, really angry and felt betrayed. I was so hurt and also weirdly hung up on the neighbours judging me for being a shit mum and talking about my kids. I have a MH illness that affects how in perspective my thinking is and at these times it spiralled. My reaction wasn't normal or my inability to let the hurt go. I think it was the lying I had most issues with.

There was more than one of these ocassions for me and we do laugh about it now 10+ years later but it took 10 years!

She gives a shit. She's 18, she doesn't know how to handle it. Maybe her acting like this is putting on an I'm ok I don't need any help front.

You've told her off, let it go now.

My DC are too young to be left alone so I'm not sure how I'd feel now. My parents were fine with us having parties when they went away though. This was before social media and mobile phones so it stayed quite tame and they both went to uni so had fond memories, I think, of drunken teenage gatherings. They also knew quite a few of our friends, whom they liked. There were a few minor breakages which I sorted and it remains a nice memory for me and my friends, we still talk about the parties 30 years later.

I don't think I'd be as encouraging as my parents were but I'd like to think they can have a bit of a blow out with close friends without it being too problematic. I wouldn't like them lying and denying though.

I'd have another sit down with her.
You're sad that she's obviously not sorry about lying
She's not sorry about the damage to your possessions.
And she's not sorry she's damaged your trust in her.

It needs spelling out in order to move forward. You've both got a lot going on.

Until she can actually apologise and put it right I wouldn't be offering lifts or friends round. I realise she's 18, but she didn't act like it.

This is really helpful thank you. I've just had another run in with her because she is so very defensive about it, making out I'm out of order for being upset. I'll try again later using your suggestions.