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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH does all nighters watching TV

41 replies

Satonmytuffet · 29/10/2023 08:37

DH's guilty pleasure is to stay up all night and watch TV. It usually means he's too tired to be up until say 10pm the following day. I find it really irritating. I think maybe irrationally..? For some reason it makes me feel like it's real Homer Simpson/Onslow from Keeping up appearances/slob behaviour. I can't stand it. I also don't want DC growing up thinking it's ok to fall asleep in front of the TV like that overnight.

So as not to drip feed. It's been a stressful time for DH lately: new job, settling into a new house (doing some sort of flat pack furniture building everyday) , our baby is still under a year old. He doesn't do this often, maybe once every month or two months. However the past couple of weeks he's gone to bed around 4am-8am about 4 times. He's ended up working from home some of those days because he couldn't wake up in the morning on time. I don't think he plans to stay up and watch, he just really really loves TV and it's his only hobby really. He is otherwise a very helpful DH eg. yesterday he did all of DC's meals, put her down for her naps, cleaned the bathroom, did the laundry etc. I don't ever have to ask him to get involved etc.

With a baby we don't have much time to ourselves so I can see from his point of view how he winds up doing all nighters. Also because we're co-sleeping, DH has been sleeping in the spare room, we haven't yet been intimate since DC was born (this is completely on me following a traumatic birth) so by doing all nighters he isn't neglecting us and just not coming to bed for example.

Anyway, AIBU to be annoyed and want to say something? We are going away for a few days and DH will be doing the driving and I know I'll just be grumpy in my head if he starts nodding off at dinner time. And I don't want to be snappy and ruin the first trip we are going to be having since DC was born

OP posts:
SaracensMavericks · 29/10/2023 08:42

I would find this really annoying. You say "he isn't neglecting us" but surely he is if he's in bed all day the following day leaving you to do everything with the baby? (Was 10pm a typo - did you mean 10am?) Once every 2 months is okay but any more often than that and I would definitely be saying something.

THisbackwithavengeance · 29/10/2023 08:43

I think you can easily ask him to make sure he gets a good night's sleep before going away on a trip because if not, he will ruin the trip for both of you and he will not be safe to drive. You won't be able to enjoy whatever you've got planned for the trip if he's yawning and nodding off.

Otherwise, if it's now and then, it wouldn't bother me as long as he's pulling his weight around the house and not getting sacked from his work.

Original poster
Satonmytuffet · 29/10/2023 08:44

SaracensMavericks · 29/10/2023 08:42

I would find this really annoying. You say "he isn't neglecting us" but surely he is if he's in bed all day the following day leaving you to do everything with the baby? (Was 10pm a typo - did you mean 10am?) Once every 2 months is okay but any more often than that and I would definitely be saying something.

Oh maybe the way I wrote it is not very clear.

He is not in bed until 10pm the next day.
He is so tired the next day that it is a struggle for him to stay up past 10pm

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 29/10/2023 08:45

usually means he's too tired to be up until say 10pm the following day

Doesn't get up until 10pm the next day??

If that's not a typo for 10am, that's not ok.

Edited: oh, it was a typo!
If he's up and helpful the next day, and doesn't do it often, I'd let it go. Going to bed at 7pm or 8pm is not the end of the world.

MeinKraft · 29/10/2023 08:47

I don't think you can reasonably give him a tv watching curfew tbh.

theduchessofspork · 29/10/2023 08:47

Yes it’s not compatible with parenthood.

However I’d also knock co-sleeping on the head as it can go on for years, and if he easily slips into poor sleep habits that’s not going to help.

You should both be getting time off so talk to him about how to work that. I can do this sometimes and it’s about grabbing time for yourself

aSofaNearYou · 29/10/2023 08:48

Given that you just mean he's tired by 10pm the next day, rather than that he gets up at that time, I think YABU. Sounds like quite a small thing he does for himself, not unlike a night out.

PermanentTemporary · 29/10/2023 08:49

I've ended up at times being a late watcher (though not this late). I agree it's pretty dysfunctional and it's easy to ignore eg that you are grumpy and slobby all day if trying to exist on 4 hours' sleep, plus not exactly Employee of the Month either.

With me it's always an avoidance tactic. Usually that Im a bit nervous about work and don't want the following day to begin, sometimes not wanting to be in bed at the same time as a partner.

I think try to talk to him about it (presumably you already have). I do think perhaps the fact that your sex life is AWOL is probably influencing this. I'm really sorry you are having such a bad time. Are you getting any help from medics to try and improve things?

CurlewKate · 29/10/2023 08:55

"However I’d also knock co-sleeping on the head as it can go on for years, and if he easily slips into poor sleep habits that’s not going to help."

Not really relevant to the thread, but this is bollocks!

Createausername1970 · 29/10/2023 08:57

I think this is fine. He generally pulls his weight around the house, so if his vice is watching TV all night then having an early night the following night, it's not really a problem. If you said he sat up drinking and smoking weed all night, that would be.

With regards to going on holiday etc., just say can he make sure he has had a good night's sleep before you go. But from how you have described him, he sounds like he would anyway.

DappledThings · 29/10/2023 08:58

Why is he doing all the driving? I'd be angry if he prioritised watching TV over getting enough sleep to drive his family safely but being tired at 10pm isn't unreasonable.

Original poster
Satonmytuffet · 29/10/2023 09:00

DappledThings · 29/10/2023 08:58

Why is he doing all the driving? I'd be angry if he prioritised watching TV over getting enough sleep to drive his family safely but being tired at 10pm isn't unreasonable.

It's just a 40min drive and we find DC is happier with me at the back. The last time DH was in the back with DC he didn't realise the bottle wasn't screwed on properly and DC was drenched in milk (and the car seat) the entire trip

OP posts:
Donutofdoooooom · 29/10/2023 09:04

It doesn't sound like his choice of downtime is impacting his ability to parent or be part of the family, so I don't see an issue.

Given your recent update, it sounds a bit like you are trying to mother him now.

Maybe you feel you've matured since becoming a mother, but you see him acting in ways not like a father should (in your mind)?

Original poster
Satonmytuffet · 29/10/2023 09:05

PermanentTemporary · 29/10/2023 08:49

I've ended up at times being a late watcher (though not this late). I agree it's pretty dysfunctional and it's easy to ignore eg that you are grumpy and slobby all day if trying to exist on 4 hours' sleep, plus not exactly Employee of the Month either.

With me it's always an avoidance tactic. Usually that Im a bit nervous about work and don't want the following day to begin, sometimes not wanting to be in bed at the same time as a partner.

I think try to talk to him about it (presumably you already have). I do think perhaps the fact that your sex life is AWOL is probably influencing this. I'm really sorry you are having such a bad time. Are you getting any help from medics to try and improve things?

I did ask him this morning if everything was ok as DH sounds very similar to you. Very avoidant when he doesn't want to deal with something.

I'm seeing a pelvic floor physio but perhaps sadly our sex life has never been amazing. DH m has a medical problem that means he just couldn't last very long (not even 20sec). I think he is partly relieved pressure is off him as pregnancy was difficult and so was birth.

OP posts:
Kitcaterpillar · 29/10/2023 09:10

Once every two months your husband stays up very late watching TV and then gets an early night the next day? Is that the problem?

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 09:50

YABU

He’s a grown adult and shouldn’t have a bedtime time.

He can do what he wants, as long as he’s not spending the day in bed which he’s not.

It would be no different if he went out with mates to a nightclub.

Going to bed at 10pm is quite a normal time I would say.
Why not have sex or intimacy before 10pm?

You want him to go to bed earlier, so he can stay up later with you - can you not see how contradictory that is?

This is what he needs to do to cope right now and so I’d leave him alone.

I would not want to go in a car with someone who’s not had much sleep though.
I suggest asking him to have an earlier night the night before and for you to do most of the driving.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 09:52

Kitcaterpillar · 29/10/2023 09:10

Once every two months your husband stays up very late watching TV and then gets an early night the next day? Is that the problem?

I think it used to be every 2 months but it’s happened 4 times in the past couple of weeks.

I still don’t see an issue with it and would absolute hate my DH telling me what time I can stay up until.

margotrose · 29/10/2023 09:53

YABVU. He's a grown adult and can go to bed when he chooses.

He still gets up for work, parents his child and does his share of the housework - it's just that you have this weird idea about it being slobbish or lazy.

The fact that he's exhausted by 10pm the following day is irrelevant IMO - I'm often in bed by 10pm and never pull all-nighters anymore. 10pm is a normal bedtime - it's not like he's going up at 6.

mindutopia · 29/10/2023 10:03

If it’s every few months and he gets up on time the next day and carries on with his responsibilities, fine.

But you’re saying he’s not getting up in time to go to work, needing to wfh (nap?), instead the next day. That’s not okay for a responsible adult. It’s no different than a night out clubbing, if he’s rolling in around 8am and not getting to work as scheduled the next day, that’s a problem.

Watching tv all night itself isn’t an issue as long as he does what he’s meant to do the next day AND it doesn’t impact your or dc’s sleep.

Original poster
Satonmytuffet · 29/10/2023 10:33

mindutopia · 29/10/2023 10:03

If it’s every few months and he gets up on time the next day and carries on with his responsibilities, fine.

But you’re saying he’s not getting up in time to go to work, needing to wfh (nap?), instead the next day. That’s not okay for a responsible adult. It’s no different than a night out clubbing, if he’s rolling in around 8am and not getting to work as scheduled the next day, that’s a problem.

Watching tv all night itself isn’t an issue as long as he does what he’s meant to do the next day AND it doesn’t impact your or dc’s sleep.

Yes, he's fallen asleep in meetings (both in person and teams). I think though thats perhaps a new baby plus all the other new things is just exhausting. However, he does not look after himself health-wise and I feel like he would have more stamina if he was a bit healthier

OP posts:
margotrose · 29/10/2023 10:41

However, he does not look after himself health-wise and I feel like he would have more stamina if he was a bit healthier

Hmm, I think that's a separate conversation to have, to be honest. Regardless of how worried you are, you can't really tell a grown man when he has to go to bed.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 10:41

Satonmytuffet · 29/10/2023 10:33

Yes, he's fallen asleep in meetings (both in person and teams). I think though thats perhaps a new baby plus all the other new things is just exhausting. However, he does not look after himself health-wise and I feel like he would have more stamina if he was a bit healthier

Show quote history

But then you also say he goes to bed too early on the other nights, so he can’t really win.

If this was every night then you may have a point, but it’s not.

If it has got more regular then it’s perhaps just his he deals with the stress he’s got going on.
I’m sure it’ll go back to being once every couple of months in the future.

If it starts becoming a problem where he’s sleeping in and not helping with the baby etc then you need to have a chat to him about it.

I sometimes stay up late because I feel once you become a parent, you lose so much of yourself and so I think just doing those sorts of things every now and then keeps you sane.
Some people go out clubbing but I can’t do that often as I’m a single parent and so instead I stay up late watching movies/playing games.

Universalsnail · 29/10/2023 10:58

I think aslong as he is maintaing his fair share of housework and childcare responsibilities then it's fine as long as it's occasionally. Long term doing this frequently several times a week would massive impact his health and I would find that annoying as we aged as poor health leads to premature death. I'd also get annoyed if he started dropping his responsibilities.

rockinginarockingchair · 29/10/2023 11:00

Your husband cant win with you can he.
Your a mum to your child not your husband.
Hes a grown man you cant tell him to have a bed time or give him a curfew fgs.
He still gets up for work, parents his child and does his share of the housework.
Your not his mother.
Keeping up appearances you want to point that finger at yourself.

AgaMM · 29/10/2023 11:08

I do this sometimes. It’s the only real time I have to have some time to myself without being interrupted by anyone else.

DH has tried to stop me from doing it in the past and I’ve not been happy about it. It doesn’t impact him in any way, and therefore I don’t need to be parented by him.

How does it impact you, really? Especially as you sleep in separate rooms.