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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DH does all nighters watching TV

41 replies

Satonmytuffet · 29/10/2023 08:37

DH's guilty pleasure is to stay up all night and watch TV. It usually means he's too tired to be up until say 10pm the following day. I find it really irritating. I think maybe irrationally..? For some reason it makes me feel like it's real Homer Simpson/Onslow from Keeping up appearances/slob behaviour. I can't stand it. I also don't want DC growing up thinking it's ok to fall asleep in front of the TV like that overnight.

So as not to drip feed. It's been a stressful time for DH lately: new job, settling into a new house (doing some sort of flat pack furniture building everyday) , our baby is still under a year old. He doesn't do this often, maybe once every month or two months. However the past couple of weeks he's gone to bed around 4am-8am about 4 times. He's ended up working from home some of those days because he couldn't wake up in the morning on time. I don't think he plans to stay up and watch, he just really really loves TV and it's his only hobby really. He is otherwise a very helpful DH eg. yesterday he did all of DC's meals, put her down for her naps, cleaned the bathroom, did the laundry etc. I don't ever have to ask him to get involved etc.

With a baby we don't have much time to ourselves so I can see from his point of view how he winds up doing all nighters. Also because we're co-sleeping, DH has been sleeping in the spare room, we haven't yet been intimate since DC was born (this is completely on me following a traumatic birth) so by doing all nighters he isn't neglecting us and just not coming to bed for example.

Anyway, AIBU to be annoyed and want to say something? We are going away for a few days and DH will be doing the driving and I know I'll just be grumpy in my head if he starts nodding off at dinner time. And I don't want to be snappy and ruin the first trip we are going to be having since DC was born

OP posts:

slowlysmaller · 29/10/2023 11:19

I think as long as he is actually getting up and working/ doing his normal routines as Dad, then occasionally it's fine.

It becomes a problem if it happens more often and/or he stops doing the things he needs to do.

Flyhigher · 29/10/2023 11:23

He's sending out signals that's he's not coping.

Flyhigher · 29/10/2023 11:24

Can you exercise together? Walks together?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/10/2023 11:29

He doesn't do this often, maybe once every month or two months. However the past couple of weeks he's gone to bed around 4am-8am about 4 times.

I would raise that with him because it's escalating and it's not a helpful way to respond to stress. It's like alcohol, relaxing up to a point but not healthy to ramp it up under stress.

Original poster

Satonmytuffet · 29/10/2023 11:29

Thank your everyone. I really do appreciate all your replies and I appreciate this forum for helping me with my perspective.

@Flyhigher

OP posts:

5128gap · 29/10/2023 11:33

I wouldn't love it, no, as like you, I'd find it (irrationally) irritating.
But I'd like it a lot less if I were married to someone who wanted to stop me sitting in my own home, harmlessly watching TV all night once every couple of months. As far as irritating behaviour goes, it's very low level and it's not right to police someone to the extent of trying to stop something so innocuous.

KajsaKavat · 29/10/2023 11:36

I’m not in a relation not have j been for 10 years but j have almost adult DCs and last night I was up until 3 o’clock because I needed time to just myself. I do this regularly and I don’t see this hurting anyone.
its peaceful at night and no one has any demands on you.

BlueEyedPeanut · 29/10/2023 11:42

What time would you like him to go to bed at?

I don't have a proper sleep routine. Sometimes I'm still up at 4am. Other times I'm passed out by 9pm. Sometimes - shock horror - I have a nap in the afternoon. My ex used to get annoyed at me too because he wanted me to be on the same schedule as him so I could keep him company. It is one of the reasons he is now an ex.

FoxClocks · 29/10/2023 11:44

I'd treat this like having a very late night out at the pub or something. Once a month fine as long as you get equal free time, several times a week is unhealthy for him and bad for your relationship.

I can totally understand staying up late watching TV if he is a bit stressed out and thinks he won't easily fall asleep, but he needs to find a healthier way of dealing with things if it's becoming a regular habit. It will become a vicious cycle with work being more difficult if he is tired then more stressful and even harder to switch off.

TeaGinandFags · 29/10/2023 11:44

I would be fuming. How can he expect to drive when overtired? That's bloody dangerous! He's also no company for you in the evening.

DH needs to grow up and be part of the family rather than acting like a spoilt 17 yr old. Regular hours and interacting with his family will help with his depression, if not your stress.

YouveGotAFastCar · 29/10/2023 11:50

They've got a one-year-old. I haven't stayed up all night watching TV in years and years but I'm sure I've been rubbish company some evenings because I'm tired from work or life; and I've had to work overnight a few times and not made it much beyond 7:30pm. It happens.

I think I'd keep an eye on it escalating; and I'd be nervous about the falling asleep at work as I don't think that's normal for most adults, even with a baby; but I do think your anger over this specifically is irrational. Perhaps there's something in your comparisons to Homer Simpson (who never actually stayed up all night watching TV, as far as I can remember?! He was just a bit of an oaf, and you're clear that DH is not), and slobs; but I'm not sure why you feel staying up watching TV is slob-like. Do you generally think TV is just for slobs? I'd maybe explore where that comes from, and it might dissolve the anger.

aSofaNearYou · 29/10/2023 11:57

TeaGinandFags · 29/10/2023 11:44

I would be fuming. How can he expect to drive when overtired? That's bloody dangerous! He's also no company for you in the evening.

DH needs to grow up and be part of the family rather than acting like a spoilt 17 yr old. Regular hours and interacting with his family will help with his depression, if not your stress.

I don't think many people would say this about somebody having a night out once every two months.

margotrose · 29/10/2023 12:02

TeaGinandFags · 29/10/2023 11:44

I would be fuming. How can he expect to drive when overtired? That's bloody dangerous! He's also no company for you in the evening.

DH needs to grow up and be part of the family rather than acting like a spoilt 17 yr old. Regular hours and interacting with his family will help with his depression, if not your stress.

Would you say the same if it was a woman having a night out every couple of months, or even twice a month?

bumblingbovine49 · 29/10/2023 12:05

I do this and have done on and off for all my life ( am now 58 years old)

Over the years I've realised that when I do this it is usually because I am overcommitted during the day doing things I don't really much enjoy and am stressed and desperate for some time to myself. I then can't face going to bed because I that just means I will have to get up and face another day . Often I am also watching a series I am enjoying and am worried I won't have time in the week to watch more.so just keep going and lose track of time. The it gets so late it hardly seems worth going to bed .

I am fine doing this occasionally but I do keep an eye out for if it starts to happen too often as doing this more and more often for me.is the slippery slope to getting quite depressed. This is only something I realized over the years though

id be really annoyed if my DH ( who I've been married to for 25 years) started telling me off for this though

ladybird30 · 29/10/2023 12:24

I wouldn't be too hard on your DH...

My OH does this as well and he said it's the only time he gets to himself without me or our LO around and I totally understand.

I think men really need their space to clear their head and just not really worry about things for a few hours (I know women need their space too but I personally believe we do it in different ways and probably don't 'think about nothing' during our down time)

Give him the breathing space to do it, there are far worse vices he could have and if you're not currently sharing a room or being intimate I'd allow it. I'd only say something if it really affected his ability to work or take care of the family

cocksstrideintheevening · 29/10/2023 12:31

I stay up late to watch tv at the weekend, stuff my kids are too young for. H goes to bed earlier.

Falling asleep in meetings is not in and I'd be more worried about him keeping his job than anything else.

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