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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to get off the ride

37 replies

Tapasita · 29/10/2023 08:20

I am tired of working full time. I am tired from being in full-on parenting mode for the last 10 years with pre-schoolers. My youngest started school in Sep and quite honestly I feel like walking away from my demanding job. I need some time out. I feel frazzled. If not forever, at least for a year or so. I just feel bone-tired from being on the treadmill. Through sheer hard graft and determination I’ve saved £70,000 over the years and this is now sitting in a savings account. It’s there for the children, to help towards a house deposit or in whatever way I can when they’re ready to set themselves up.

Of course I’m not going to give up my job and sit on my bum. But I feel I need a break. My physical health has declined significantly in the last two years. Last year I was hospitalised and had a stent in for a while. I remember lying in the bed in hospital freaking out about the kids and their dinner, their washing, etc etc. I don’t do anything for myself any more. Life just feels like endless responsibility and I’m tired.

I’m 41 FFS and I already want to jack it in and retire. I look at people of retirement age and think how the hell am I going to get that far. I don’t know if I can make it. I’m ready to leave it all behind now and I’ve got another 25 years or so ahead of me.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 29/10/2023 08:21

Use the money to drop a day, your kids can sort themselves out.

hopeishere · 29/10/2023 08:22

What do you do? Could you take a sabbatical or career break or reduce your hours? Do you have a partner?

I rejiggled my hours to give me two days off a month and that helped my mental health.

Peablockfeathers · 29/10/2023 08:24

Do you have a partner? Personally I'd get signed off primarily and then explore whether part time was possible or look into other jobs etc, it doesn't have to be all or nothing but clearly the set up you currently have isn't working and something needs to change.

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 08:25

Can you go to 4 days a week?

Viviennemary · 29/10/2023 08:27

I agree with getting signed off for say a couple if weeks. Do the sums and see if you can go down to four days or even three.

CreationNat1on · 29/10/2023 08:28

Feel free to take some time out.

I think life is simply relentless when children are small, they need you so much. It slowly gers easier

menopausalmare · 29/10/2023 08:28

I wouldn't recommend jacking your job in entirely because that's risky and it would be such a shame to spend the £70,000. It does sound like you need to drop a day and perhaps outsource one or two jobs, such as cleaning and food delivery.

capnfeathersword · 29/10/2023 08:28

I'm not sure what the answer is but I completely relate to everything you have said. Working ft with 2 kids over here. It's not that it's terrible, just relentless and exhausting and I too would like to get off for a while. I can't remember the last time I did something just for me.

If you can afford to drop a day I think it's good advice. I can afford it, but it isn't possible in the job I'm in now. If I could I think I would.

Createausername1970 · 29/10/2023 08:29

Agree with the above suggestions re. reducing hours or taking a sabbatical.

If you have had health issues in the past, then they could occur again and I think your kids would much rather have a mum and not so much cash, rather than more cash but no mum.

So use some of that cash to support you now.

sunnyseed · 29/10/2023 08:29

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 08:25

Can you go to 4 days a week?

It will probably mean OP just has more to do over fewer days and will end up working extra hours that they are not being paid for…

Velvian · 29/10/2023 08:30

I feel exactly the same. If I had the savings you do, I would go down to 3 days per week.

SaracensMavericks · 29/10/2023 08:30

YANBU to feel tired, but if your youngest started school in September then you've done the hardest bit and things should get easier from here IME. Don't do anything hasty right now. As others have said, could you drop to 4 days? Or take a month's unpaid leave?

TroubledTide · 29/10/2023 08:32

Slow down a bit. You don't need to be saving 70k for the kids. It's better that you are fit and healthy and happy and there for them. So stop saving for a future that you might not be there to enjoy. Spend the money you earn on making your life less awful and more healthy and balanced. Do things you enjoy, get a cleaner etc etc.
It's a long game, you're burnt out at 40 for no good reason.

CrapBucket · 29/10/2023 08:36

You are burnt out and need a sabbatical from work just to have a chunk of time off somewhere different/doing something different.

user1496146479 · 29/10/2023 08:37

I feel exactly the same, similar age! I also hate to say that for me it didn't get easier when they started school! It just became different! Demands became -play dates at pick up, I couldn't do as working. Kids started activities, you don't want them to miss out so this just added more stress!
More than one DC here, so multiple activities, homework, lunches etc. No option for school lunches

I did try dropping a day, but as someone said up thread that just really meant trying to do 5 days work in 4, as my employer only paid lip service to making my role part time.

No words of wisdom unfortunately OP, it's hard.
Holding out for a lotto win here!

NewLifter · 29/10/2023 08:41

Take a month off sick to try and recuperate. Then when you can think more clearly, you can plan. I agree with others that your DC don't need that 70k. Could you use some of it to pay down your mortgage? That would get you a step closer to retiring at a reasonable age. Then you can downsize in the future to free up money for the DC if you really want or free yourself up to support them with childcare or whatever.

Or as others have said, reduce your hours now.

Don't rush in to anything here, you are young to give up on a goid job.

Is there a partner who can pick up more of the slack? Or can you outsource any of the domestic chores?

PastorCarrBonarra · 29/10/2023 08:46

Take two weeks sick. See the GP tomorrow and get signed off. You sound close to breaking.

A 4 day week is ace and that’s what I do. However…..if dropping a day at work means that you’ll have to do 100% of the work in 4 days for 80% of the salary, I’d advise against. I’m a caseworker and my target reduced from 15 case closures to 12 when I dropped a day, which is fair. You know your workplace and how it’s likely to pan out.

Outsource cleaning if you can. Even if it’s just one deep-clean every six weeks, or just the kitchens and bathrooms weekly.

Pay the “local sensible teenager” (Mumsnet cliche alert!) to babysit now and again, and go out.

If the children’s father is alive, make him step up. Don’t let him use a big important job as an excuse. He created those children too.

Planesplanesplanes · 29/10/2023 08:48

£70k is a huge amount to have saved, especially as you have one who has just left childcare.

Are you buying in service? Eg cleaning, including changing bed and ironing. Good ready meals eg cook. If not I would start there.

But in all honest you should like you’ve gone past that point and have reached burn out and need some time off. I think you should speak to your GP.

MeinKraft · 29/10/2023 08:51

Everyone can apply for unpaid parental leave, up to 4 weeks a year. I'd get some of that booked if I were you, then drop a day at work as others have said, or ask if you can finish at 3pm.

Mimmi78 · 29/10/2023 08:54

You are always entitled and should get off the crazy, relentless roundabout when it is affecting you mentally and physically. I would suggest a visit to GP who may suggest some rest and sick leave from work. This could give you some breathing space to asses things. Controversial but what about a halfway suggestion?

Take a reasonable amount of the money and spend it on a part time housekeeper? Someone who will take some of the tasks that are both mental and physical load. They need to be capable of managing cleaning, washing and some minimal meal prep. You may be lucky and find someone who can do the odd pick up/ drop off and sit for you?
We is a family a menu plan with corresponding online shop lists, hard to establish, amazing when implemented. We just swap out things for how our week plan looks. Most important it's "our" job including kids to know, inform and plan what's coming up in the week ahead. My younger DS still needs support with this but it gets the idea that we work as a team in mind.

I also just started to let go a bit more, kids don't learn unless given the freedom to do so. I used to drag the clothes out that the kids had been asked to put away, as I wanted it done "properly". Accepting that it's a bit rubbish but they are put away and they are learning good habits, frees me of this mental and physical task!

Work, stick at it but find a solution that works. Dropping hours at an existing role is hard without buy in on what the expectation is and how you will "drop". Is there a job/workplace you have always thought would suit you that you could approach? Could you do so with a plan that sells your part time working approach? I did this when I was miserable in an old job. The firm I now work for were not advertising, I just got myself a pitch and approached. I am the top person in my role for for my firm but work three days with strict self management on what I will or won't do ( I educated everyone from the beginning to never, ever expect a response on a non working day, you would be surprised how many things work themselves out without you!).

I think the first step is a time out for you for your mental and physical health and take it from there. The money is no use at all if you are so unwell it poses a risk.

Clariee45 · 29/10/2023 08:59

Go part time, quality of life improves no end, doesn’t sound like you need the money

MermaidMaggie · 29/10/2023 09:01

Not everyone can drop a day or go down to 3 days a week at request. A lot of employers don't like this and if they do accept it they may insist on compressed hours, so you do much longer days than you would have trying to squeeze 5 days into 4.

What industry do you work in OP?

Nitgel · 29/10/2023 09:02

Can't you just take annual leave, even unpaid for a couple of weeks.

Would a Dr really sign people off for this?

Time will pass and it will get easier.

WhatsCookingFlora · 29/10/2023 09:08

I second the idea of a sabbatical for a few months if possible. Use some of those savings. It sounds like you need a big reset both to recover and to be in a sensible frame of mind before making any big, lasting decisions. Your children will benefit from having a centred mum more than a bit of a house deposit later. Wishing you the best.

SpringingJoy · 29/10/2023 09:08

What job do you have? Is it Secure, do you get sick pay etc?

I would get signed off in your situation, for as long as I could on full pay. I'd cite stress, depression, whatever was needed.

Obviously won't go down well with some but I'd do this before using my savings, whether for a week or six months and then see how I felt.

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