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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for checking cheating husbands phone

33 replies

freetheunicorn1 · 28/10/2023 23:59

AITA for checking my cheating husbands phone?

Back in July my husband developed an inappropriate friendship with a mutual friend and at the same time started treating me like utter shit! I asked a few times if something was going on with them and was completely gaslight.

In September he finally left his phone unattended after a few drinks and I checked it and saw the gory details of their affair including the truth about recent “work trips” etc. And also the amount of shit they said about me. I confronted him and told him I wanted a divorce. He seems to not believe that I saw their chat, because his birthday as his passcode is just too hard to crack 🙄. He still keeps denying anything physical happened and keeps gaslighting me. So I found his old phone and have kept an eye on it and keep dropping breadcrumbs to try and get him to finally admit it and stop blaming me for the breakdown of our marriage.

Now they think someone in their inner circle is feeding me information AITA for still checking his phone?

OP posts:
Chagnedname · 29/10/2023 00:03

Yes check it and take photos and save them for yourself, keep journaling about conversations and things that happened so when you look back on it you can’t be gaslit

TizerorFizz · 29/10/2023 00:05

? Just divorce him. Why bother with this shit? You don’t have to prove anything or torture yourself. You know what’s been going on. What’s the point of knowing more? Get rid of him.

WiIIow · 29/10/2023 00:06

You're still with him? They are still talking when you're checking his phone?

ilovesooty · 29/10/2023 00:09

If you told him last month you want a divorce just get on with it.

MinnieL · 29/10/2023 00:11

Just leave the bastard. You’ve seen the evidence, you don’t need to make them realise that the marriage has broken down because of them. Just start the divorce proceedings and walk away

Moveoverdarlin · 29/10/2023 00:13

You know he’s shagging someone else. HE KNOWS he’s shagging someone else. Who are you trying to prove it to? Just divorce him.

Original poster
freetheunicorn1 · 29/10/2023 00:49

I am divorcing him, unfortunately still forced to live together until I find a new house. He is buying me out the marital home. But whilst living together he is still torturing me and gaslighting me. And demonising me to the world that I am I quote a "nut job" accusing him of having an affair etc etc.

OP posts:
Chocolatesandroses · 29/10/2023 00:52

Being honest if you’re checking his phone the relationship is over as obviously the trust has gone .

tolerable · 29/10/2023 01:28

Take full responsibility-for the end of marriage....fuck breadcrumbs. You saw his true colours and he isnt worth keeping.the end.(hope you can get out soon)

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2023 01:32

Stop giving a fuck about anything he says. Ignore him completely. What he says to other people is none of your concern because no one will believe him anyway. He's pathetic.

Mydogmybestfriend · 29/10/2023 01:08

You don't need to prove something you already know

Dotcheck · 29/10/2023 01:32

Chocolatesandroses · 29/10/2023 00:52

Being honest if you’re checking his phone the relationship is over as obviously the trust has gone .

🙄

MotherEarthisaTerf · 29/10/2023 01:50

TizerorFizz · 29/10/2023 00:05

? Just divorce him. Why bother with this shit? You don’t have to prove anything or torture yourself. You know what’s been going on. What’s the point of knowing more? Get rid of him.

Bingo.

SinnerBoy · 29/10/2023 01:54

I'd give it a miss and leave them to it. You already know, so why do you want to know all the details? In a few years, she'll be in the same boat.

Content yourself with the fact that you're getting out of an awful situation.

CheekyHobson · 29/10/2023 03:56

And demonising me to the world that I am I quote a "nut job" accusing him of having an affair etc etc.

You just have to learn to live with this and trust that people will see the truth. My ex behaved very badly in our relationship but when I ended it due to his abusive behaviour and lies, the story he started spreading around was either "She's controlling and critical, she wouldn't let me do anything" (to people where he didn't think it would get back to me) or "Oh, we just grew apart" (to people where he suspected it would). No accountability at all for his behaviour, covered it up/denied wherever he could and threw me under the bus instead.

You just have to accept that assholes are gonna be assholes in multiple ways. Your XH's a cheat, so it's not surprising that he's also a liar.

Anyone really important in your life is going to believe you and have your back, and anyone who doesn't isn't that important.

jadey1991 · 29/10/2023 04:33

To be honest, there is no point going through his phone anymore. You know what you know already. Stay strong babes and get yourself of of there ASAP.
As for him he has nothing better to do then try and make you feel a certain way for his cheating behaviour.

VintageTuppence · 29/10/2023 04:41

Now that you have started divorce proceedings you shouldn’t be going through his phone to see if he is seeing someone else even if you are still living on the same premises.

TeaGinandFags · 29/10/2023 04:58

If he's gaslighting you then put those messages on FB or Twitter.

It's petty with a cherry on top but it might bring him down a peg or two. It will also blow up so you may devide to do it when safely out of the house.

Or just fantasise about the trouble it'll cause.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/10/2023 05:12

Your marriage is over and you need to just look after yourself. Stop wasting time and energy on what he is doing, you'll move on quicker. You know what he's done, you don't need to keep reminding yourself q

mummyof2tobe · 29/10/2023 05:35

Chocolatesandroses · 29/10/2023 00:52

Being honest if you’re checking his phone the relationship is over as obviously the trust has gone .

There's always one.

rwalker · 29/10/2023 06:06

Your divorcing all your doing is making a difficult situation worse for yourself

it’s done tbh going through phones trying to trip him up is pointless it not as though w are getting back together
so yes you will come across as a nut job

RantyAnty · 29/10/2023 06:39

You know all these things already.

Do you best to ignore the twat until you can move out

JaneAustensHeroine · 29/10/2023 06:42

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. It’s awful. I agree wholeheartedly with @CheekyHobson - please do not torture yourself with what others might think. He can say what he likes but people will make their own judgement. If he’s calling you a ‘nut job’ then this only reflects badly on him.

The facts of an affair with a mutual friend speak for themselves. It will all come to light in time. People will see it for what it is. Checking his phone is understandable but torturous for you….consider whether it actually helps you or harms you… As previous posters have said, keep the evidence you have for the divorce. You don’t need more.

Keep your dignity, surround yourself with people who care about you, be kind to yourself and ignore the cruel bastard. His denial and blame is indicative of not taking responsibility for what he has done. A better future awaits you.

💐for you. Please look after yourself. He’s unimportant now.

Orange67 · 29/10/2023 06:57

So I found his old phone and have kept an eye on it and keep dropping breadcrumbs to try and get him to finally admit it and stop blaming me for the breakdown of our marriage.

Why? What are you gaining from this? The marriage is over anyway, who cares if he's blaming you? Will him suddenly admitting he's a huge arsehole change anything? No. Move on.

WandaWonder · 29/10/2023 07:27

The only thing I can think of is you like the drama, why?

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