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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared I have to leave my partner as he's not ready for kids

51 replies

Nooooom · 28/10/2023 19:42

We've been together for several years, rent together and tenancy is ending in a month. I really would like a child, he isn't ready and can't say when he will be. Time isn't on my side, he's slightly younger and of course has at least 10 years, I don't.
This is a common situation I suppose. Is it my fault for dating someone younger? Highly possible... however I know quite a few men of his age who are engaged/married and have a child, and he's no 20 year old.
I saw a relative last week who has a beautiful baby boy, and she told me her and her partner started discussing TTC after 6 months. I thought, what? I've been with mine for years and still nothing.
Financially, I know we would be fine with a baby. We both work full-time. We aren't on Megabucks but we don't need to be. We don't own a house but that's not exactly an overnight process. I don't know what to do, I'm lost.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nooooom · 28/10/2023 19:44

Scrap that, he's probably got at least 15 years.

OP posts:
Motnight · 28/10/2023 19:45

Op whatever you decide remember that it is you who will become physically unable to have a child, not him.

Original poster
Nooooom · 28/10/2023 19:46

I know a couple of people who've had them at around 40, but that isn't a given. There's no guarantee.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 28/10/2023 19:47

If you want children then I’m afraid you need to leave the relationship. He doesn’t. Don’t waste precious time OP. Sorry.

Lilascupcakes · 28/10/2023 19:48

I think you're being sensible. Don't let him string you along and then you might end up not having children.

Paperbagsaremine · 28/10/2023 19:48

Also, unless you are super rich, or your partner is super poor / a waster (in which case don't do it anyway!!) don't TTC until you are married.

Kids can be great but also A LOT. It's in your interest to give them a great father who really wants them and is committed to you all.

Original poster
Nooooom · 28/10/2023 19:51

I don't want to say my exact age but I'm early 30s. So my time isn't totally out, but it's not exactly on my side.. I could wait 2 or 3 more years? But what if I get to that age and he's still not? There might be, but there's no guarantee.
However there's no guarantee I'd meet someone else who does want a child. It's so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nooooom · 28/10/2023 19:51

An I being impatient to want a baby as soon as possible and not waiting a couple more years?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 28/10/2023 19:52

So hard OP. But all the more reason to act swiftly now.

StopStartStop · 28/10/2023 19:55

Ditch the boyfriend. You're waiting for him to be someone he's not.

So, you want a baby. Did I miss your age in a post? Have you enough time to end this time-wasting relationship and start looking for someone new? Or, will you be taking the donor sperm route? If you really want a child, start planning how it will happen and how you'll manage long-term. Alone. Because the person you can rely upon is you, no matter who your partner is or who you replace him with.

What he does or doesn't do isn't your concern now. In the bible it says 'Abraham and his seed forever', referring to his descendants, but as silly teenagers we took from it the truthful message that men can father children into old age. Women are time-limited.

StopStartStop · 28/10/2023 19:57

Oh, you've posted your age now! Yes, ditch him and start again. Make your intentions clear to anyone new, and don't take excuses. Ha! You need a proper old-fashioned matchmaker who can find you a man ready to start a family.

DuchessOfSausage · 28/10/2023 19:58

How long have you been together? You need to tell him that you want a family and want to start trying now. Don't leave it up to him.
It could be that you are a girlfriend and not a future wife.

Chuffedchaffinch · 28/10/2023 19:58

I was in this position when I was in my late 20s, with my partner of ten years still not wanting to discuss a future family.
We split up unhappily when we were 30.
I was deeply in love, but...I did finally meet someone (now split up) and had a wonderful child when I was 37. It took 2-3 years to conceive and my new partner then had fertility issues, so our baby was a miracle baby to us.

I am so, so relieved I had the strength to leave and was at last able to have my beautiful child.

It's so important not to give up your chances of having a family, if it's what you want.

PotOfViolas · 28/10/2023 20:01

Nooooom · 28/10/2023 19:51

An I being impatient to want a baby as soon as possible and not waiting a couple more years?

No you're not. Early 30s is a good age to ttc. Don't waste your fertile years on this guy who might keep kicking the can down the road.

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 28/10/2023 20:07

Seen this scenario lots of times, couple of the same age stay together for years. Split late 30s and males gets with a woman in her 20s and immediately has kids. Leave now.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/10/2023 20:13

What happens when you discuss a family with him? Is he saying a few years or not even open to the discussion or a timeline?

If the latter run for the hills and don’t look back. If he is not ready yet and it is otherwise a good relationship give him 18 months before you start TTC. If in 18 months he tries to extend the starting ttc date leave….

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 28/10/2023 20:14

Yup, leave, only make it clear to new fellas what you want.

Imagine you are in your 40s with no children, and it's too late to have them? What would you say to your early 30s self?

If having children is an absolute deal breaker then leave, now. Not in 6 months, a year, when it's shit etc. Now. Just do it, rip off the band-aid.

Chuffedchaffinch · 28/10/2023 20:17

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 28/10/2023 20:07

Seen this scenario lots of times, couple of the same age stay together for years. Split late 30s and males gets with a woman in her 20s and immediately has kids. Leave now.

Yes, this happened to me and to a few of my friends.
Appalling behaviour on the men's part, just using women like that and risking their chances of happiness. :(

Talapia · 28/10/2023 20:18

How long have you been together?

Can you afford rent and childcare ?

You can't make someone want a baby, so if it's a deal-breaker for you, move on.

AfterWeights · 28/10/2023 20:19

Yanbu. You do not want to wait. That's enough reason to go.

AfterWeights · 28/10/2023 20:20

Seen this scenario lots of times, couple of the same age stay together for years. Split late 30s and males gets with a woman in her 20s and immediately has kids. Leave now.

Same. Its 80% of the women i know who don't have kids. They fucking wanted them at the right time and got screwed.

KnickersOfBoomBoom · 28/10/2023 20:23

You want different things in life so it seems it’s time to move on. He could likely be saying the same in another 10 years and you will have missed the opportunity.

something2say · 28/10/2023 21:06

I've been dating a man who is a fabulous father - he is wealthy because he is successful and works hard, and he adores his sons and I can see pictures of them doing stuff over the years - he is highly involved with them and so proud of them - if you want children and a family, go out and find a man like him - don't feel shit and sad that you're the desperate one - there are men who also want children. Its a tough thing to do, break it off with nothing concrete but sometimes you have to create what you want in life.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2023 21:09

You've been together for years and he's stringing you along. It's time for you to go.

HomiesAlone · 28/10/2023 21:09

Leave!!!

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