Scared I have to leave my partner as he's not ready for kids

[Nooooom]

We've been together for several years, rent together and tenancy is ending in a month. I really would like a child, he isn't ready and can't say when he will be. Time isn't on my side, he's slightly younger and of course has at least 10 years, I don't.
This is a common situation I suppose. Is it my fault for dating someone younger? Highly possible... however I know quite a few men of his age who are engaged/married and have a child, and he's no 20 year old.
I saw a relative last week who has a beautiful baby boy, and she told me her and her partner started discussing TTC after 6 months. I thought, what? I've been with mine for years and still nothing.
Financially, I know we would be fine with a baby. We both work full-time. We aren't on Megabucks but we don't need to be. We don't own a house but that's not exactly an overnight process. I don't know what to do, I'm lost.

Yep, I agree with all of the above posters.
YANBU for feeling scared.

Don’t compare yourself to others, I think discussing TTC after 6 months is insane. You need to give him an ultimatum to decide, it sounds like he’s never said he doesn’t want a child but he needs to decide, or you need to leave.

Bad advice, it should be

'If you're super rich don't get married'

Marriage offers no advantage for women, unless they are give up work, which no one should do

I agree with pps, I am a lot older than you and have seen that scenario where a man leaves his long term partner when they are around 40 and then has a baby immediately with someone else more than once. My exBIL did this to his lovely partner after 15 years. She really wanted children and never had them. It's a really shitty thing to do but not uncommon, don't let it happen to you OP.

No you're not. This is a massive life priority - like where you live or what work you do. But unlike those other examples, it has a time limit on it for you and not for him. Technically, he can become a first time dad in his sixties or seventies. Not advised but physically possible. You can't. But I'd have itchy feet already if I were with a man for several years and we hadn't married and bought a house together. not everyone's priorities but for me they are symbolic of being ready to commit to one person and develop your lives together.

“An I being impatient to want a baby as soon as possible and not waiting a couple more years?”

No, you aren’t. I was fertile at 32 and it was over for me forever by 35 😢 IVF didn’t work either.

I’m very sorry you’re in this situation. I do think very few men are eager to have a baby, they’re usually “Oh we’re still young let’s do it later.” Most women have to give their partner a reality check chat at some point.

But if yours simply doesn’t want a child yet / at all, then that’s a big problem you have there, and maybe consider having a baby alone l, as if you’re in early thirties you would have to be very lucky to meet someone else in time to have children with them.

I do agree with others. But I'd also ask Joe much you love him? What does life without him feel like for you? Do you want a baby or do you want his baby? If you want his baby I'd give it a bit more time. You are only in your early 30s. You aren't likely to be on the cusp of menopause. It's is still extremely likely you can get pregnant between 35 and 40 (82% chance you'll do so with a year).

I had my mine while in my early to mid thirties. There were times I wish I had been younger.

But if he doesn't see a family in his future at all - then I'd say your choice has been made.

I was in this scenario and left, best thing I ever did, hands down. Just go.

You need to move on

(Why wouldn’t you say your exact age?!)

I met my DH at 28. Got married at 32. Took 3 years to conceive, needed IVF. Had 1st DC at 35 and second at 38. Would love a third but can’t go through it all again and the cost etc. I wish I started sooner, I feel meeting my DH at 28 is youngish, but now I’m my 40s with a child in reception and feel oldish and sometimes wish we did it all sooner.

How will you feel if you don’t have a child? Imagine life without one. What’s more important?

Leave this man. Don't even wait for your tenancy to end.

How much older than him are you?

If he refuses to even give a timeline of when he may be ready to have a child then I agree that you need to leave him. You simply cannot wait forever or you’ll miss your chance to be a mother.

If/when you have another relationship I would suggest getting on the same page about children as soon as possible. Personally I see nothing wrong with having that conversation really early on to make sure you want the same things. My DH has always been 100% sure that he wants children. He would not have made it to a second date with me if he wasn’t. And I was only 18 when we met so I wasn’t exactly in a rush, I just didn’t want to waste my time.

YANBU to end a relationship for any reason you like. If having a child is the most important thing for you- I.e. more important than your relationship with this man (and it’s fine if it is), then you should end it and move on. Or look at it another way- could you be in this relationship long-term without children and still be happy? If not, then you know what you need to do. It is slightly more nuanced if you want both equally, but then I guess you have to weigh up other factors such as other signs of his level of commitment vs your desire for a child.

I don’t think he is “stringing you along”- it sounds like he has been clear that he isn’t ready for a child and isn’t sure when he will be. I don’t think it is an unreasonable position to have, even if it isn’t what OP wants to hear. It would be stringing her alongif he said “ in a year” but then put it off again after the year. He hasn’t, he’s been honest with her- he’s not ready now and doesn’t know when he will be (and his can anyone say “definitely will be ready in a year”, anyway?).

When it comes to fertility matters, some men can be very very cruel. They know they are wasting their partner’s crucial fertile years. They’d rather be selfish cowards and stay in the relationship knowing they don’t want children, instead of ending things and letting their partner focus on someone else who does want children.

As unfair as it is, you’re the only one who will really look out for you - despite the promises of another person.

If, after several years, he’s still not keen, don’t kid yourself any longer. Go through some short term acute pain for greater happiness. Don’t live to regret wasting your fertility on a man who is actively showing you he’s not keen.

He’s offering you a carrot and you’re the ass following it. He’s had enough time to think and act on it, time to make your decision. You need to meet someone that wants the same things as you in life.

Marriage -> house -> baby
I'm on his side 100%, you two are not ready for a baby yet.

If he’s around 28, happy to date a woman in her early 30s, and he loves you, and he wants to have kids ‘eventually’ (oh that word!!) then he should have worked out long ago that women need to start TTC way before 40. Some men claim not to know this - they are either very ignorant or lying.
On that basis, if you look at this guy as objectively as you can, comparing him to whoever is the best man, husband and dad you can think of, you might find him lacking in more ways than just his non-wanting of kids right now. Is he selfish in other ways? Ignorant about women and their needs? Immature generally?
Hypnthetically if you, or any woman he was with, did become pregnant, would he be the sort of man who researched thoroughly, came to every scan, parented equally, supported your rights as a pregnant woman and new mum, defended you against your overbearing MIL, took on his absolutely fair share of the housework and mental load in a family, made sure you had equal leisure time to him, and took equal time off work when your 1yo started nursery and got every illness going?
Because these are the traits you need in your kids’ dad. Every single one of them. And men who do the ‘I’m happy as we are, I don’t want kids yet, but stay with me because if you’re really lucky and play your cards right then I’ll change my mind eventually one day’ dance do not generally make brilliant dads EVER - even when they do reach the magical age of 45 or whatever and finally deign to marry their younger spouse. They are inherently selfish and ignorant about women and children, and they stay that way.

Convinced a man knows whether a woman is marriage material for him or not within 1-3 months. If he hasn't married said woman within a 2 year period he is enjoying the comfort that the relationship provides without having to completely commit and become 1.

Of course becoming one is a no brainer when it comes to having children and producing the next generation with the one you love.

Do not waste time and keep this in mind. Set standards for the next relationship you end up in and verbalise them from the jump.

Many women are afraid to do this incase they push the man away.

Do not be fooled ladies, the men that are pushed away are the ones you want to scatter 😂

All of my friends that used this approach are happily married - some with/without children. It also worked for me - By Gods grace I have been married for a year and I'm giving birth in a few weeks.

For me, when I started reading the Bible and saw myself the way God sees me, I realised marriage is a VERY simple expectation. To give anything like my presence within his home, share bills, make dinners 24/7 without this minimal commitment would be detrimental for my childbearing years.

Having this mentality helps to get rid of the men that do not deserve your commitment and loyalty.

For context, I'm 23 - I met my husband at 21 and was engaged/married at 22. We purchased our home in preparation for marriage. We are the same age.

Ladies do not settle. If you stand for nothing you'll fall for anything. It's important your standards have a foundation. For me, my foundation is built upon Gods standard for family. God is literally my rock and I'm so grateful. Find your foundation and build upon it!

He’s being honest, which is fair. You need to be honest with yourself, do you want kids more than you want to be with him? If so, unfortunately I think you need to move on.

Definitely time to move on. You’re not that old tbh, but the sooner you start looking for a man who wants to settle down and have children with you, the better.

I’m not sure why you strip women of their agency in this situation? Surely if a woman wants children and her partner doesn’t/isn’t sure/can’t commit to a suitable timeframe then it is up to her (and not solely down to her partner) to decide whether that desire for children is more important than to her then her current partner/relationship? Why is it his responsibility to “let” her focus on something that is totally up to her? He may well be happy with the relationship as it is, but if she isn’t then surely it’s on her to end it and move on?

I’m obviously not talking about situations where the man says “not now, but definitely next year” or similar but just keeps putting it off- that is unfair, they should be honest about their intentions and if they really don’t want children/children with this woman then they should be clear about it. It is cruel to lead a partner on about something as fundamental as having a family. But equally, the woman needs to be clear about it too- if she wants children more than her relationship with this particular man, then it’s up to her to act on that and end the relationship to seek a partner who does want the same things.

I find it odd that some women feel the need to lay all the blame for these situations at the feet of the male partner- obviously those who lie or deliberately mislead their partners are at fault but I think it is often the case that both parties haven’t been entirely honest with each other. Or they are but one party doesn’t have the courage of their convictions and chooses to stay, but unhappily. Some men definitely need to be more upfront, but so do some women- some of whom also need to be prepared to make control of their own lives rather than sit back waiting for this issue to fix itself.

Yes, a man lying about wanting children to a partner who definitely does want them is cruel, but being clear he isn’t sure if he does want children or not isn’t “stringing” anyone along, it is quite probably the truth.

Obviously, if he really means “never” or “not with you”, then he should be honest about that- but I don’t think we can know for sure which is the case here.

OP- if you want children more than you want a relationship with this man, then you should end it and move on. If he isn’t sure, he isn’t sure and he isn’t wrong/cruel to feel that way- but if you are sure it something which is non-negotiable for you, then you need to take responsibility for your life and act accordingly.

Leave. Also, have a baby on your own if you want one so badly. I’ve had three friends who loved kids and never had any because they weren’t with the right bloke. Have a baby. The bloke may or may not come along.