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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is acting like a petulant child

26 replies

Feelingdeflated1 · 28/10/2023 17:32

Little background. Two young children and since having the second our sex life has been hit and miss. DS doesn't sleep (he's one now), and I think the threat of being interrupted at any moment plus my hormones (I'm still breastfeeding) are really not getting me in the mood. It's not to say we never have sex but definitely not as much as my husband would like.
I still need/want affection though but he suggests cuddles etc. are boring. What he doesn't seem to get (despite me saying so) is that a bit of non-sexual contact would actually help get me in the mood
Anyway, to the actual AIBU. Last night he was watching sports on TV and I was in the other room. He came in and started cuddling me but then just started having a cheeky grope of my boobs. Ordinarily this wouldn't bother me but I just wasn't in the mood and said I wasn't a piece of meat. He's basically been sulking ever since! I've tried to talk to him but he just says he's tired/there's nothing to say. I said something about just wanting some love and he said he didn't want any. Maybe he's genuinely just tired but I feel like he's basically sulking because he wants sex more than I do and it just all came to a bit of a head (no pun intended) last night. I just feel like our relationship is just so rocky at the moment. The tiredness is absolutely killing things between us anyway and us having very different sex drives at the moment is causing so much aggro.
I just feel really sad and alone. He'd never force himself on me but it seems he's just as miserable because he's not getting enough and I just don't know what to do. I just really need a cuddle and he's basically pushed me away all day and it really hurts.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 28/10/2023 17:41

Tell him.

Not "I just want some love", but everything you've said here.

Sofaz34 · 28/10/2023 17:57

I'm not into sex at all really but will try for my husband as that's his need. Yours is cuddles so you can't really complain he's not cuddling you and your effectively not doing what he needs. Totally get you are tired and I wouldn't fancy it either but sometimes it might be a case of sucking it up to keep the spark. And maybe you can find a way to really want it, exploring fantasies or getting props. Good luck.

VanityDiesHard · 28/10/2023 18:09

Sofaz34 · 28/10/2023 17:57

I'm not into sex at all really but will try for my husband as that's his need. Yours is cuddles so you can't really complain he's not cuddling you and your effectively not doing what he needs. Totally get you are tired and I wouldn't fancy it either but sometimes it might be a case of sucking it up to keep the spark. And maybe you can find a way to really want it, exploring fantasies or getting props. Good luck.

I'm sorry, I know that the clocks go back an hour tonight, but I wasn't aware that we also had gone back seventy years as well! 'A man's needs'? Please.

OP, you need to let him know that this isn't on. I think that it would be good if you talked it out, properly, but if he is still acting like a horny teenager then it might be time to rethink things. I'm not saying LTB straight off, but a lot does depend on how he reacts to your asking him to improve.

Devilsmommy · 28/10/2023 18:16

I've spoken about this to my DH, not that he sulks if I'm not in the mood, but told him that sometimes I just need a hug without it trying to become something sexual. Thankfully he listened and does hug me. OP you need to say all that you've said in your post to him and tell him that acting like a petulant twat really isn't the way to get you in the mood ever. I've got a 13mo who's been an awful sleeper from day one so I can absolutely empathise. Good luck 🤞

funbags3 · 28/10/2023 18:23

@Sofaz34 Are you serious?
Just lie back and think of England?

AnthonyMontana · 28/10/2023 18:24

Sofaz34 · 28/10/2023 17:57

I'm not into sex at all really but will try for my husband as that's his need. Yours is cuddles so you can't really complain he's not cuddling you and your effectively not doing what he needs. Totally get you are tired and I wouldn't fancy it either but sometimes it might be a case of sucking it up to keep the spark. And maybe you can find a way to really want it, exploring fantasies or getting props. Good luck.

Sucking it up to keep the spark!

Amazing!!! 😂

Galaxies · 28/10/2023 18:25

Sofaz34 · 28/10/2023 17:57

I'm not into sex at all really but will try for my husband as that's his need. Yours is cuddles so you can't really complain he's not cuddling you and your effectively not doing what he needs. Totally get you are tired and I wouldn't fancy it either but sometimes it might be a case of sucking it up to keep the spark. And maybe you can find a way to really want it, exploring fantasies or getting props. Good luck.

Her post is quite detailed about how tired and hormonal she is and you think the answer is props?

Galaxies · 28/10/2023 18:26

funbags3 · 28/10/2023 18:23

@Sofaz34 Are you serious?
Just lie back and think of England?

No, not lie back and think of England, use some props and think of England 😂

Jux · 28/10/2023 18:30

Props?!!!FFS

OP, tell him to grow the fuck up and act like an adult.

mathanxiety · 28/10/2023 18:31

He says cuddling is boring.

Maybe ask him to consider the idea that your body is not there for his entertainment.

If you can find some time to chat, explain exactly how put upon and even set up you feel when you open yourself up for a cuddle that you desperately need, and it suddenly turns into yet one more person wanting something from you with absolutely no regard whatsoever for what you want or what you need in that given moment.

You're woken from sleep constantly, your boobs are available for the baby 24 hours a day, and you are run ragged by the physical and emotional exhaustion that comes from giving and giving and giving and giving all day and all night.

Tell him you are running on fumes and ask him to try to understand and meet your needs. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you appeared to be planning a family holiday to the Canaries and it turned out you were going alone. Or how he expects his car to take him where he wants to go if he lets the tyres go flat, doesn't change the oil, and runs out of petrol.

AllosaurusMum · 28/10/2023 18:36

You don’t owe him sex, but he doesn’t owe you cuddles. Just because you want to cuddle without sex doesn’t mean he’s obligated to do that for you. Same thing with you having sex because he wants to and you don’t. The problem is you’re both hunkering down in your positions expecting the other to give in and it’s just going to keep growing and dividing you. You two need to talk to come up with something that works for you both.

sweetpeaorchestra · 28/10/2023 18:46

This is so common and it’s absolutely rubbish. DH and I get in constant cycles of essentially me feeling he’s not “nice” to me so I don’t feel in the mood for sex, and him not feeling able to be nice/affectionate because we haven’t had sex.
Someone has to break it, agree with PP to say everything you have here.
And why can’t men realise a bit of “chore-play”, cuddles/doing the kids’ bedtime will get them laid much quicker than sulking.
They should give out leaflets to men
about this in ante natal classes. Its so hard to feel sexual when sleep deprived/touched out.
Hope you can have an honest conversation

Mumofoneandone · 28/10/2023 18:52

He's totally out of order for gropping your boobs - well done for pushing back at that.
Whilst there is some give and take, sulking cause he's not getting sex is out of order.

wildwestpioneer · 28/10/2023 18:56

It never ceases to amaze me how men don't want to be affectionate, they 'can't be bothered' or 'don't see the point', but then get a cob on because the woman isn't in the mood for sex. Can they not see the double standards of this, or realise that if they actually showed their partners some love and affection (and that they actually cared about them), they are far more likely to have a partner who wanted to have sex with them.

Original poster
Feelingdeflated1 · 28/10/2023 18:56

Thanks, some helpful, reassuring comments.

I should clarify, I do enjoy sex and it's not like we are going months without it or anything. It's just bloody rough at the moment with little ones sleep. I cannot put into words how exhausted I am. He's tired too but I think that's another issue that I do all the night getting up, he'll say well he wasn't sleeping either but he hasn't been up and down out of bed umpteen times. That just winds me up.

I completely get the comments that I can't expect him to do as I want if I'm not doing as he wants. It's a fair comment. I suppose my issue, and I have said this to him, is that if perhaps we had a snuggle on the sofa for example and some closeness then I'd probably be up for more. It's when he just comes and randomly cops a feel and wonders why I get pissed off

I've tried several times today to talk to him and ask him what's wrong but he just says there's nothing to say. I'm too tired to have a rational conversation now anyway so I think I'll just go to bed once kids are down and hope for a better night and then a proper conversation tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingdeflated1 · 28/10/2023 18:58

Chore-play! Exactly!!

OP posts:
JustLookingThanks · 28/10/2023 19:28

Try this, many men are obvious unless you spell it out. Hope life gets a little easier for you.
www.instagram.com/reel/Cyx6gjEOf2t/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

CurlewKate · 28/10/2023 20:34

I'm sure Mumsnet is supposed to be a feminist site. Maybe not.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 28/10/2023 20:37

Sofaz34 · 28/10/2023 17:57

I'm not into sex at all really but will try for my husband as that's his need. Yours is cuddles so you can't really complain he's not cuddling you and your effectively not doing what he needs. Totally get you are tired and I wouldn't fancy it either but sometimes it might be a case of sucking it up to keep the spark. And maybe you can find a way to really want it, exploring fantasies or getting props. Good luck.

Well thanks for that, mate.

Catsmere · 28/10/2023 21:30

Sofaz34 · 28/10/2023 17:57

I'm not into sex at all really but will try for my husband as that's his need. Yours is cuddles so you can't really complain he's not cuddling you and your effectively not doing what he needs. Totally get you are tired and I wouldn't fancy it either but sometimes it might be a case of sucking it up to keep the spark. And maybe you can find a way to really want it, exploring fantasies or getting props. Good luck.

His wish for an orgasm is a desire, not a need. He can masturbate if that's all he's after, OP isn't obliged to submit to sex she doesn't want (there's a word for that, btw).

StarDolphins · 28/10/2023 21:37

Sofaz34 · 28/10/2023 17:57

I'm not into sex at all really but will try for my husband as that's his need. Yours is cuddles so you can't really complain he's not cuddling you and your effectively not doing what he needs. Totally get you are tired and I wouldn't fancy it either but sometimes it might be a case of sucking it up to keep the spark. And maybe you can find a way to really want it, exploring fantasies or getting props. Good luck.

Goodness me! I would hate to have sex with someone that was just doing it out of duty & why should we just suck it up because men have needs.

Pollynots · 28/10/2023 21:42

Cuddles are boring? Well he just needs to suck it up then. We all need to do things we find boring sometimes.

Catsmere · 28/10/2023 22:20

"Men have needs", said by men as a euphemism for "men have the right to sex on demand". So he gets a boner, big deal. He has hands.

Kdubs1981 · 29/10/2023 12:36

mathanxiety · 28/10/2023 18:31

He says cuddling is boring.

Maybe ask him to consider the idea that your body is not there for his entertainment.

If you can find some time to chat, explain exactly how put upon and even set up you feel when you open yourself up for a cuddle that you desperately need, and it suddenly turns into yet one more person wanting something from you with absolutely no regard whatsoever for what you want or what you need in that given moment.

You're woken from sleep constantly, your boobs are available for the baby 24 hours a day, and you are run ragged by the physical and emotional exhaustion that comes from giving and giving and giving and giving all day and all night.

Tell him you are running on fumes and ask him to try to understand and meet your needs. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you appeared to be planning a family holiday to the Canaries and it turned out you were going alone. Or how he expects his car to take him where he wants to go if he lets the tyres go flat, doesn't change the oil, and runs out of petrol.

Excellent point re feeling you meet everyone's needs but your own

EtiennePalmiere · 29/10/2023 13:15

So he won't cuddle because he doesn't want to, but expects you to have sex even though you don't want to, nice.