Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if some parents stop bothering with non-parent friends?

54 replies

Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:04

I completely understand that they've got a lot more to bond over with fellow parents, however I still think it's a shame. I had a friend who I've known for over 20 years, she has an 18 month old daughter now, I don't yet have any children but I'd really like to.

Anyway, as far as I can see me and this friend (who are also part of a group of friends) have always got on well and have a good chat and so on. I'd say in the last several years we've become a little different as she and her husband are on a much higher income than me and my partner are, and I suppose personal tastes have changed. I don't think this should matter, it doesn't on my side anyway.

When her baby was born I was very supportive, and I've shown a lot of interest in her, because I wanted to. I haven't seen her baby since she was around 7 months old and can't recognise her from the photos (I mean figuratively speaking)
I haven't seen this friend in almost a year. Until around 3 months ago, I made several attempts to meet her both individually and as part of a group, she was always saying oh I can't because I have X event that day, but never offering alternatives. I completely understand that having a baby changes your life, however I saw she was still doing other things.

I always offered to go round to where she lives/to her home to make things easy for her, even if I only pop in for half an hour.
I don't feel that I was pushy, but I'd say around 5 attempts over 9 months have been rebuffed.

I decided to leave her to it and move on, and stopped using the group chat as I could tell it was dying and most people had moved on. I never said anything offensive or implied I was upset, I just moved on.

I've started a new career and she never got in contact or said congratulations or anything. She's never asked how I'm doing. I get occasional 'likes' on photos for whatever reason.

She's recently posted pictured of her on outings with mum friends and their babies/toddlers, and she did the same around a month or two ago.
I have no intention of contacting her again, I know people are perfectly entitled to do this. I haven't contacted her for several months now and I'm focusing on meeting new people.

I do wonder if it's because I don't have children and she feels she can't relate anymore, which is odd as I've always worked with children and babies and I love them really. Sorry this turned into a very long post, it does hurt when it's a former close friend of over 20 years, but this is life I suppose. Maybe it's nothing to do with the child situation but who knows.

OP posts:
Ella31 · 28/10/2023 14:09

I'm pregnant myself and really conscious of doing this, funny enough I've been worrying my friends will drop me because I'll be a mam. But you sound like a great friend who deserves better and i wouldn't be in a rush to accommodate her if she gets in touch again.

Original poster
Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:14

I understand how you feel, I'm sure your friends won't drop you because of it and if they do they aren't the right friends.
Thank you, it hurts when I go out of my way and even before her baby she couldn't be bothered to come round to where I lived. I spent a fortune on her hen party, wedding, baby shower etc.
I know it doesn't guarantee anything but I guess I can see that the efforts will never be reciprocated. It hurt to see the pictures, definitely won't contact her again. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 28/10/2023 14:18

In truth I used to be a great friend but have become a bit shit since I had kids. One of my best friends doesn't have DC and likely won't have DC and I know she feels it. I miss her, but I live far away, work full time and have two young DC, my time just isn't my own any more.

Meeting up with kids is easier but asking that of friends without children seems too much, who wants to go to the playground unless they have to.

Original poster
Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:20

Yeah, I completely understand how time consuming it must be.
I wouldn't mind going to the playground with her, I'd like to see her and her baby, I'm always happy to just have a coffee or whatever. I'd understand if I was always suggesting nights out/trips etc. Which she couldn't make, but not at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:21

I've also expressed clearly in the messages that I'd like to see them both.

OP posts:
BoredGeordie · 28/10/2023 14:25

My friendships with non-parents have definitely changed since I had my kid and, in one case, completely ended. It is partially my fault because I'm just not available in the same way as before but if I don't have childcare and my friends don't want to spend time with me with a toddler in tow there's not a whole lot I can do. It's much easier to spend time with other parents who a) understand the time constraints and b) don't mind doing child-friendly activities.

It's sad and it's not my friends' fault my priorities have changed but I'm sick of feeling guilty about it.

Original poster
Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:27

Yes I do completely understand. I've always expressed to her that I want to spend time with her and her baby, I really don't mind doing child friendly activities. Even just going round for a coffee which I've made very clear to her. So I'm not sure if it's that, but who knows.

OP posts:
SamAndEIIa · 28/10/2023 14:29

I haven’t! I actually loved being the only one of my friends with kids - meant we could still meet up and do non child related things! Now they all want to do soft playa and coffee shops with kids in tow, which just isn’t the same.

Can you maybe organise a night out without kids? I bet they would much prefer that! Doesn’t even need to be wild - a nice meal out, a cinema trip etc!

TakeMe2Insanity · 28/10/2023 14:30

I think it’s how you present to them. I have 2 extremely close friends who both don’t have children because of circumstances. I’ve always made time to see them away from dc. It fits in to what dh and i can do but i make time. Similarly I feel because I am not shoving dc constantly in their faces they have interactions with dc. So they’ll come and stay and we’ll do family stuff also me and friend alone stuff.

Original poster
Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:30

I'm really not a night out sort of person either

OP posts:
BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 28/10/2023 14:30

I don’t have kids, I was lucky enough that my three closest friends thought our friendship was important enough that we pulled together to keep it going, even through the playgrounds and pumpkin patches and whatever else. I’d rather sit in a rubbish soft play coffee shop for a few years than give up a close friendship.
That she’s always been a bit self centred maybe gives you your answer OP, babies have just been the catalyst rather than the cause. You’ve tried your hardest. My sympathies, because it does hurt a lot.

Original poster
Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:32

I've suggested both, I understand where people are coming from, I got fed up tbh.
Babies maybe have been the catalyst indeed. I do just need to forget it, maybe unfollow her so I don't need to see these pictures.

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 28/10/2023 14:33

Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:30

I'm really not a night out sort of person either

Neither am I! I do like long lunches in restaurants without children and art galleries so dh looks after the dc and i get to do that. Similarly he has friends that don’t live in our city so I facilitate him going there. Compromise.

Original poster
Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:33

I appreciate the replies, thank you.

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 28/10/2023 14:33

I actually experienced the opposite when i had my first child. Had two childfree friends who stopped wanting to meet up with me.

Original poster
Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:34

That's a shame, I'm sorry to hear that. It shouldn't have to be like that in either situation.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/10/2023 14:35

BAd friends are bad friends- I have friends I’ve drifted from and we both have kids. My closest friends don’t have kids and it’s important they make time for my children and I make time for them without my children. I’ll admit my contact is less than pre kids but they understand that.

Shootingstar11 · 28/10/2023 14:37

You sound like you’ve tried really hard. I found that the opposite was true, for various reasons I had a baby later in life and people who used to be good friends stopped contacting me and one or two have never met my little one (despite many invites) which does hurt me a bit. I used to be able to go for that last minute drink or trip to the cinema etc but I can’t do that anymore, it has to be planned in advance. I see them posting nights out etc on social media that I would previously have been invited to. I maintained contact for a while but I’ve given up now, it used to bother me but I guess it’s not that easy when our lives are so different. I do sometimes feel a bit forgotten about to though! Luckily I am also blessed with friends (with children and non parents) who will make the effort to meet up with me and will even rearrange things if I can’t make it due to childcare. I suppose it just depends on the individual.

Wolvesart · 28/10/2023 14:39

Most of my best friends are childless or had grown up kids before we had our DC. It never occurred to me they wouldn’t remain at the same friendship level. When DC was small we had lots of fellow parent friends. Some of them, plus others we have met through parenthood are still our friends but some we don’t see much now because they moved away, did different things/schools etc at secondary level

AutumIsOrange · 28/10/2023 14:42

I don’t have kids. I like kids!

I drank an awful lot of wine in my friends kitchens back in the day! We’d do stuff with the kids in the day and then retreat to the kitchen with the bottles in the evening. Was the only way unless a Big Event was planned.

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 28/10/2023 14:44

As a childfree person, I’ve definitely found that some friends with children stopped bothering. I can understand that we now have different lives and that means I can’t do coffee at 11am on a weekday any more than they can do an evening meal.

It was when a former group of friends carried on doing the same things (e.g. a local family friendly festival that we all used to go to) and stopped inviting me. They say “Oh, we just took the children” but they all still socialised together. I don’t know if it’s that they just don’t think about anyone not in their immediate circle any more or they don’t want to be around someone living a different life from them, but it was hurtful nonetheless.

Throw in times when I’ve really made the effort to do child-friendly things and got zero effort back, and I just give up on those friends. Sometimes they pop up again when the children are older but are surprised to find my life has moved on without them.

ManchesterGirl2 · 28/10/2023 14:44

ColleenDonaghy · 28/10/2023 14:18

In truth I used to be a great friend but have become a bit shit since I had kids. One of my best friends doesn't have DC and likely won't have DC and I know she feels it. I miss her, but I live far away, work full time and have two young DC, my time just isn't my own any more.

Meeting up with kids is easier but asking that of friends without children seems too much, who wants to go to the playground unless they have to.

Have you asked them? I'd happily hang out in a playground to see an old friend. Just because I don't have kids yet, doesn't meet I dislike all child-related activities.

Obviously everyone's different, but I'd be hurt if I lost a friendship because the other person made that assumption.

twoforwardandtwoback · 28/10/2023 14:47

Op, I'm in a similar situation to you - have made lots of effort with my group of friends who have children but I can see we've drifted apart. They go out on play dates together with their children and I've become a bit separate from the group. It's really difficult but I think it's just the reality that their lives are busy and it's difficult for them to find time for other things.

(I've been through several years of fertility challenges and pregnancy loss too which makes the situation quite difficult to accept).

I think I have resigned to the fact that I need to find some other child free friends, or older friends who have older children so perhaps more time.

Original poster
Pollysgotacracker · 28/10/2023 14:56

It's sad isn't it.. I just wonder if they'll casually expect to just pop back in once their kids are older. Some people will welcome them back with open arms but maybe I'm too bitter for that, I don't know. Barring extreme circumstances, if a friend can't make time in a year to see me, get in touch, knowing she lives under an hour away, it's not a friend.

OP posts:
LearningTo · 28/10/2023 14:57

Same thing happened to me, it’s not personal.

Some new mums are perhaps even depressed, exhausted, sad about weight gain, and maybe want to spare you talking about this… or they are a bit hesitant what you might have in common anymore… I think they may enjoy moaning to or sympathising with someone in the same boat… rather than perhaps hearing about all the things they might be missing out on…

Different stages of life sometimes call for different friends… I’ve now joined lots of groups and have made lots of friends who don’t have children and are eager and free to spend time.

Change is the only constant… all we can do is roll with it and try to enjoy the ride.

In my experience, too them about 8 to 10 years to pop back… I spend time, but things aren’t the same, we’ve all changed, mostly for the better actually. So it’s not all bad. In the meantime, invest in those who are investing in you.