Dad wants to visit too often

[Elizabethxox]

I feel like I sound awful for asking advice on if my dad is visiting too much. I think I’m too much of a people pleaser and I hate hurting peoples feelings.

im currently 30 weeks pregnant and I also have a two year old. My dad hasn’t worked for the past 4 years (due to mental health) so he has plenty of free time, doesn’t have any hobbies so he rely’s on me too often.
he FaceTimes me pretty much every single day unless I’m busy and out the house. He texts me all the time and if I don’t respond within the hour I get double textd. I’m finding it all really overbearing. At one point he was visiting twice a week but I just kind of said I was busy so it stayed down to once per week. Also when he visits he stays for 4 hours minimum, expects me to make him food and drinks (he doesn’t seem to realise I’m heavily pregnant) if I try doing jobs while he’s here I get “are you not coming sitting down chatting with your dad” I literally have jobs to do, so I can’t get anything done. I don’t think he realises how much you have to do as a parent to a young child, I can’t just sit down and chat for 4+hours. Not only that, when he visits there is NOTHING to talk about because we speak daily on the phone and he literally doesn’t do anything so he has nothing to say. He’s always suggesting me to make him dinner (again it’s like he doesn’t realise I’m pregnant and tired) I’ve got enough to do & on the odd occasion I have he doesn’t leave until gone 10pm & doesn’t offer to help with any washing up. Just eats- hands me his plates- watches tv and goes home.

I honestly wish he would get a job so he would have something to distract himself with rather than me being his whole life. His whole life revolves around me and my child and it’s getting stressful. I’m looking to move house within the next year, moving around an hour away to where my mum lives and he’s not said he’s unhappy with that decision but he’s basically been saying how there’s houses near him for sale and then he could visit “all the time”.

also when he does visit he sticks the news on and complains about everything that is happening in the world, he’s extremely negative. After hours of negative conversation it actually Makes me feel down.
Nothing is ever positive in his life it’s always negative.

when it’s been longer than a week & he’s trying to arrange a visit and i say I’m busy he tries making me feel guilty. He’s always like “right well what day can I come then” and if I I say another few days I get “but it’s been over a week since I last saw him, it’ll be going on for two weeks!” Even if I say I’m tired and want a day to myself he’s like so??? you can just rest while I’m there…

sorry if I sound like I’m ranting, I’ve just had enough with it all.

am I being unreasonable?

A regular visitor who helped with food and washing up etc. would be great, so I’d try and make that happen!
“Dad I’m not free to sit and chat, but if you can come and help it’d be lovely to see you!”
”No tv, I’d rather the children don’t see that/ it’s depressing”

What's your partner doing to help with the chores? You seem to have a lot on your plate as a heavily pregnant woman - the men in your life seem especially useless!

That would drive me crazy. Why doesn't he do jobs with you so that he lightens your load and uses up some bloody energy? As for the news, I would just refuse to have it on if he bangs on about it all the time.

Thanks for coming Dad, if you want to carry on chatting, you come and load and unload the dishwasher whilst I fold the washing.

You want to stay for dinner? Great idea! Why don't you bring a tray bake with you and when it's dinner time we can just bung it straight in the oven.

I've had to do this with my Mum because otherwise she just sits and plays with my almost 3 year old and wants me to sit and chat, whilst I have to realistically run around like an idiot doing jobs because she stays for so long and I just don't have time for everything (I'm 29 weeks pregnant so not far behind you!).

It sounds like he's depressed and lonely still, could you maybe suggest local groups or hobbies to him - men in sheds?

my partner works 10am-8pm every single day and has one day off. Most of the chores fall on me it’s really difficult. He does help when he can but I wish he finished at a normal time so he could help with dinner/bath time.

What on earth is he going to be like once you’ve given birth and need time to recover?

Be blunt with him, if he wants to come for dinner, he cooks or he pays for a takeaway. And he helps you out. Tell him straight that you can’t spare this much time and you don’t feel up to it.

That sounds hellish.

I think that you need to stop allowing yourself to feel guilted.

You are busy.

Stop with the daily phonecalls.

Tell him once a fortnight suits you better.

Tell him that he needs to find other things to do with his time.

Guilting you is not your responsible.

You don't sound close so this sounds very hard.

Is your husband helping out?

You sound very tired.

There is nothing worse than someone imposing on you when you have a lot going on.

Your Dad may not realise what he's like so ypu have to cue him.
When he hands you the plates just say "can you take them to the dishwasher yourself please"
"Come and help me.chop veg while you chat"

That sort of thing. If he doesn't respond then you'll just have to say "Dad.Im too tired and you are not helpful around the house so I can't cope"

Can you give him jobs and make him feel like he’s being useful? Hey Dad, fancy coming round on Tuesday and helping me get the Christmas tree out the loft? I’m too big to do it…

Would you mind….

….raking the leaves in the garden
….putting away garden furniture
….giving the car a quick wash
….take this bag of stuff to the charity shop?
….watch two year old while I go to midwife app

I see where you’re coming from, but it’s quite sweet that he wants to see you so often. But don’t feel guilty about the odd white lie about being busy. You might need him when the new baby is here, use him to watch the kids while you shower / nap. Let him take 2 year old out for a walk while you’re home with baby. Make a joke of it and say ‘Oi Dad, don’t think I’m gonna be waiting on you hand and foot when the baby arrives, you’re gonna have to earn your keep if you’re here all afternoon’.

Thr truth is, he's just using you for company and food. He's being very selfish. Just say, I'm pregnant and tired, I don't want to host anyone at the moment because I'm struggling. If he still guilt trips you after hearing that, then that's awful and he doesn't care about you. Put yourself first.

when I had my first baby I had emergency c section and then I also had post dural puncture headache so I was really not well. I wasn’t ready for visitors for about a week. He still says to me “I can’t believe you made me wait a week to see him” like HOW RUDE!
& not to mention I think it’s really selfish for him to say that. He’s said it recently and I’ve said “well I’ll make you wait two weeks this time” and he shuts up. Also he won’t take my two year old anywhere because with his mental health he’s worried Incase something bad happens while he’s out with him (gets ran over) or something…

Fair enough! Could he help with talking to your Dad about all this? I know how hard it can be saying to a parent that they're actually making your life more difficult.

Yeah i would say have honest and direct chat with him OP. He clearly doesn’t get it. I know how awful it is to have a CS and you absolutely need to put yourself first. I am also 35 weeks pregnant, exhausted, have a 3 year old and if my parent acted like that with me and expected me to also cook them dinner, i’d literally tell them to piss off.

I've not seen mine in over 3 years. Doesn't even know about me having a second baby hasn't seen his first grandchild in 3 or more years. Doesn't ask about them doesn't contact us. It's nice your dad wants to see you. They aren't here forever.

Op don’t listen to this ‘they aren’t here forever’ bollocks.

There’s a huge differnce between wanting to see you, and wanting lots of hospitality not giving a shit you are heavily pregnant with another young child.

He sounds lonely.
My mother is similar... phone calls everyday as she needs someone to talk to. It can be exhausting. Lives two hundred miles away so when she visits I need to drive to a meeting point to pick her up (my brother drives halfway) and she stats for 5 days and its a week of exhaustion.

I cant give any advice but its just You aren't alone.

I understand you feel bad for him OP but really backbone and boundaries are needed here.

Dad 'can I come round today!'

Op ' I was wanting to have a chat about this, my pregnancy is moving on now and I'm sorry to say your visits are too much. I have the house to sort and dc to put to bed each night. I can't be adding you to the list. So I'm happy for you to pop round for a coffee at 1pm each xday. But I can't be doing meals for you so please make sure you've got something in. When I get tired I'll ask you to leave so I can have a rest with dc for a while. I know you won't be happy but I have to put this pregnancy and then the two dc first. I was going to mention you perhaps volunteering at x place. They help people with depression and anxiety find friends I thought that might fill a gap. See you on xday'

Bite the bullet

Your father sounds very selfish and self absorbed.

Tedious.

Thinks you are a possession that can be used.

His remark about your last birth confirms that.

This is your life, probably only going to get worse, if you don't push back hard.

He is a selfish drain on you and the guilting you is deliberate.

Anyone ever trying to guilt me I saw as deliberately manipulative, and THAT was MY get out clause.

You CANNOT change your father so don't bother wasting the energy trying.

Stop being guilted.
Stop answering the phone.
TELL him once a fortnight suits YOU.
If he complains say once ever 3 weeks is better.

Treat him like a toddler that needs boundaries.

Your father is only going to get worse, remember that.

Act now or this is your life.

What does your husband do that he's working such long hours?

You're going to have to be more assertive with your dad. I know some family dynamics are to have almost deferential relationships with their parents. You need to start saying "Not today, dad' and switch the telly off, just get on with what you have to do. He likes it or lumps it and learns to adapt.

Would it be easier if you visited him once a week or fortnight? Then you could leave when you'd had enough. Tell him you'll text once a day because you are switching off your phone. The daily calls are much too much. Tell him you won't answer the phone because you need to rest. And when you move, never let him stay! Hotel all the way

He’s always suggesting me to make him dinner

I would laugh and say, ‘dad-I’m heavily pregnant with a toddler, why don’t you make ME dinner?!’

I don’t understand how his mental health affects taking his grandchild out/ spending time with them… it sounds like a cop out to me…..

You are not his crutch/wife/mother/carer you need to put you and your children first?

I don’t understand how his mental health affects taking his grandchild out

Of course it can. If his mental ill- health takes the form of intrusive thoughts, he's going to be worried about the responsibility.

As a grandparent I worry far more about my DGCs safety in my care, than I did about my own children at that age. Being responsible for your child's child feels like a massive thing. I'd be distraught if my DGD s had any kind of accident when I was looking after them.

25 years ago my friends mum died after a very short illness and she was absolutely heartbroken as she had been a wonderful mother to her.

Her father was very traditional and had expected the whole house to revolve around him and HIS needs, and it did.

She had two older brothers that were more in the model of her father than her mother, unsurprisingly.

She had lived away from home for university and now had her own young family about 15 minutes from the old family home.

About a week after her mother died and she was visiting her father, he started TELLING her his expectations going forward of her.

This was a 62 year old fit man who expected his daughter to step in with shopping, cleaning and ironing.

No mention of her brothers at all, just her, expected to pick up where her mother left off.

She left quickly and was VERY upset.

She realised that she had a lot of resentment towards her father and it was complicated hugely by her losing her beloved mother, who she felts death had been reduced to a list of tasks that she did for her father, who was now intent on ensuring he wasn't going to be inconvenienced.

He was not to be troubled at all cost.

The stress of her mothers death and her upset caused her to pick up a nasty chest infection which laid her low.

Her father called and was most put out that there was to be a disruption of service.🙄

Her lovely husband put him very firmly in his place and told him his ill wife was NOT going to be available to ensure he had his shopping etc., and he had better contact his sons if he was intent on not doing it himself.

Huge offence was taken and there was a stand off for many weeks.

My friends grief got very tied up with her resentment towards her father and it was a long time before she could really to be around him and feel comfortable again.

Grief counselling really helped her untangle a lot.

Her brothers only visited when it suited them and her father just had to get on with it, and learnt at 62 to look after himself and actually did it well.

She occasionally mentioned that her mother must be turning in her grave at all the tasks her father was doing now, having never so much as washed a cup during their marriage.

I think lots of women have expectations transferred to them by men, to suit them.

Unless you push back hard with your father, he will continue to presume upon you, your home and your time.

Decide what you want to give.