Dad wants to visit too often

[Elizabethxox]

I feel like I sound awful for asking advice on if my dad is visiting too much. I think I’m too much of a people pleaser and I hate hurting peoples feelings.

im currently 30 weeks pregnant and I also have a two year old. My dad hasn’t worked for the past 4 years (due to mental health) so he has plenty of free time, doesn’t have any hobbies so he rely’s on me too often.
he FaceTimes me pretty much every single day unless I’m busy and out the house. He texts me all the time and if I don’t respond within the hour I get double textd. I’m finding it all really overbearing. At one point he was visiting twice a week but I just kind of said I was busy so it stayed down to once per week. Also when he visits he stays for 4 hours minimum, expects me to make him food and drinks (he doesn’t seem to realise I’m heavily pregnant) if I try doing jobs while he’s here I get “are you not coming sitting down chatting with your dad” I literally have jobs to do, so I can’t get anything done. I don’t think he realises how much you have to do as a parent to a young child, I can’t just sit down and chat for 4+hours. Not only that, when he visits there is NOTHING to talk about because we speak daily on the phone and he literally doesn’t do anything so he has nothing to say. He’s always suggesting me to make him dinner (again it’s like he doesn’t realise I’m pregnant and tired) I’ve got enough to do & on the odd occasion I have he doesn’t leave until gone 10pm & doesn’t offer to help with any washing up. Just eats- hands me his plates- watches tv and goes home.

I honestly wish he would get a job so he would have something to distract himself with rather than me being his whole life. His whole life revolves around me and my child and it’s getting stressful. I’m looking to move house within the next year, moving around an hour away to where my mum lives and he’s not said he’s unhappy with that decision but he’s basically been saying how there’s houses near him for sale and then he could visit “all the time”.

also when he does visit he sticks the news on and complains about everything that is happening in the world, he’s extremely negative. After hours of negative conversation it actually Makes me feel down.
Nothing is ever positive in his life it’s always negative.

when it’s been longer than a week & he’s trying to arrange a visit and i say I’m busy he tries making me feel guilty. He’s always like “right well what day can I come then” and if I I say another few days I get “but it’s been over a week since I last saw him, it’ll be going on for two weeks!” Even if I say I’m tired and want a day to myself he’s like so??? you can just rest while I’m there…

sorry if I sound like I’m ranting, I’ve just had enough with it all.

am I being unreasonable?

I can understand how taking young children out is a big responsibility.

One of mine was a bolter.

Young children are unpredictable.

Walking a buggy maybe.

Is your dad doing anything to improve his mental health eg counselling? If not, I'd be having it out with him.

Expecting you to wait on him hand and foot is completely ridiculous and sexist.

You’re not his mum. You’re both adults and you are heavily pregnant and have a toddler to look after. He should be helping you when he comes round not behaving like another child.

I’m assuming that he doesn’t have a wife/partner, so you’ve been drafted in as substitute womanly carer?

I’m also guessing that he’d never think to invite you round for dinner for a change?

I have the rage on your behalf.

Oh nob off. My dad hasn’t bothered with me for 17 years and hasn’t met any of his grandkids, that doesn’t mean I think other people should let their dads treat them like shit

You just have to put a stop to this or he’ll be absolutely impossible when you have a new baby AND a toddler AND a partner who is absent all day.

He’s being selfish and using you. It’s incredibly selfish to come to your house, sit there being waited on and want to you to sit chatting with him for as long as he wants. Pestering you if you don’t answer texts immediately is not on. Your focus should be your child, not him, and he’s too self centred to care.

Reduce the visits. Stop waiting on him. Say no when he asks you to cook him dinner. Reply to texts only at your convenience and ignore him moaning if you don’t jump to reply straight away. Tell him that he isn’t to expect an immediate reply.

You will have to grow a backbone and learn to understand that you are not his mum or his carer. If you don’t, your future will be full of excessive work, unhappiness and resentment. Your energy should instead be directed at your children, marriage and home.

@Elizabethxox

you think your DAD being sad he didn't see his Grandson for a week as a newborn & saying so, is RUDE????

How old is your Dad?

Exactly soon be sad when he's not here.

Hubby had a friend that used to call alot, but now he's dead I miss him calling in a way.

YANBU. It is absolutely not your job to entertain a grown man.

Time to put some firm boundaries in place.

Good luck xx

Hi Elizabeth.
How did this all pan out?
I'm in a very similar position although I only met my father about 10 years ago after a lifetime of him never being around.
I hope everything went okay with your second birth and that you and baby are doing okay and managing your relationship with your father in a way that suits you both.
I'm at my wits end and found this chat whilst looking for a nice way to say "please don't come round so often" without offending. It's never as easy as just coming out with it. He will be hurt by that.