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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want to go to BIL'S wedding in Cyprus?

37 replies

littlemrsmiss · 09/03/2008 21:07

It's next August. My youngest child will be 2 and I am woried about the temperatures out there mid summer and how he will cope in the heat (not to mention the flight). There are four in my family and we really do not have the money to spend (it is in a 5 star resort).

We do not know what to do as we do not want to offend them by not going?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/03/2008 21:14

many other families cope living in cyprus.Buy a shade a babe. lots of fluids, stay out of sun

is it really about heat etc or are other things troubling you

cmotdibbler · 09/03/2008 21:14

Go for the simple truth - We'd love to come, but we just can't afford it. Sorry - but we'll really look forward to seeing the photos/hearing about it etc.

I wouldn't say anything about the heat etc as those can be argued about - if you stick to one reason (that is pretty undeniable), then no reasonable person can take offence. After all, if you choose to get married abroad, you have to accept that not everyone will be able to go.

Its a good idea to be all perky and enthusiastic about photos/ UK parties etc as it shows that its not that you don't want to be there, just can't.

lilyloo · 09/03/2008 21:14

If you can't afford to go i would just be honest and tell them, if they really want you there they may be able to share the cost or if not they will understand.
If it's just the heat i am sure your youngest will be fine. If it's a five star resort am sure the accomodation will be lovely with lot's of air con etc. I have taken my ds at 18 months to Cyprus and yes it was hot but if you avoid the mid day heat he was fine. As for the flight if you prepare with activites to keep them entertained they will probably be fine as it is only 4 hours so not too bad.
Think if you have a wedding abroad you should be prepared for family and friends who can't come though.

CoteDAzur · 09/03/2008 21:17

What does your DH think about this?

WiiMii · 09/03/2008 21:20

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littlemrsmiss · 09/03/2008 21:30

DH agrees with me. It's still early days as they have just announced it, but we are especialy concerned if he asks my DH to be his best man? How could we possibly refuse to go then?

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AbbeyA · 09/03/2008 21:47

I wouldn't worry about the heat, but if you can't afford it just say so, if people get maaried abroad they have to accept that they may be short on guests.

WiiMii · 09/03/2008 21:48

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WiiMii · 09/03/2008 21:49

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nametaken · 09/03/2008 21:51

I would worry about the heat with a 2 year old child - temperatures can hit the 40's out there in August and frankly, that sort of heat can be dangerous.

Do they live in Cyprus or are they just getting married there.

WiiMii · 09/03/2008 21:52

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rookiemater · 09/03/2008 22:13

Do they live there, or is there a particular reason why they have chosen Cyprus ?

If not then you are perfectably reasonable not to go. They are having their wedding abroad, thus saving themselves the expense of the meal and the party and combining it with the honeymoon and putting it all on their guests.

If you feel you have to go, then perhaps you could stay at a cheaper hotel, but agreed August is not a great time to be abroad with a toddler.

crimbo2008 · 09/03/2008 22:21

What is it with families deciding to get married abroad and expecting everyone to attend, irrespective of cost, amount of leave available, suitability of climate.

I posted on a similar situation we're facing - here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/491783 - our situation's a bit different because dh and I aren't in complete agreement on it.

Cyprus will be very hot in August, I wouldn't be keen to subject a 2-yr-old to that - I'd suggest you say you'd love to come but a) can't afford it and b) think potential 40C temperatures will be too much for your youngest dc especially.

I had good advice on an earlier thread - ask if they're planning a party when they return, and offer to help with that if you're able.

OatcakeCravings · 10/03/2008 09:35

YANBU tell him upfront now that you can't afford to go before he asks your DH to be best man.

kslatts · 10/03/2008 09:46

I wouldn't worry too much about the heat, we have always found our dd's cope better with the heat than we do, and dd1 is very fair skinned.

If you really can't afford it could you dh go on his own for a few days.

littlemrsmiss · 10/03/2008 21:24

Not a chance my DH would go on his own. He would not even consider it.

Just had a quick look into prices at their resort on the internet and this years prices are about £3000 for 1 week, which is totally ridiculous. BIL has suggested "those who can not afford it" could stay self catering in the nearby town and just go to their resort for the wedding?

He's not mentioned DH being best man. Not sure if he's testing the water with him first so as not to put pressure on him to go if he asks him to be the best man.

OP posts:
hifi · 10/03/2008 21:36

it will be boiling there in august, they will probably have plenty of shade though. flights are really expensive in august, im looking for dd and i and the cheapest i ca get at the moment is £350 each. food is also more expensive out there, even if you go self catering it wont be cheap.

catsmother · 10/03/2008 21:42

I've been to Cyprus in August lots and so far as the heat is concerned (usually around 36 to 40C), you just take all the normal, sensible precautions like drinking lots of water, wearing hats, lots of sunscreen, staying out of the midday sun and so on. On the positive side, Cypriots are very family-orientated, children are welcome in restaurant and so on.

However, as you say, it's not cheap. I doubt we can afford to go this year but have been daydreaming by surfing about and I can tell you now that 2 weeks in August, for 2 adults and 1 child, comes to at least £2,300 for the most basic of self catering accommodation (before meals out, drinks etc). That's with all of us in 1 room.

I've said it before on these type of threads but I deplore the arrogance of anyone who expects guests to spend so much money getting to their fancy wedding abroad. Obviously, inviting someone is entirely different, but there shouldn't be tantrums and emotional blackmail if a guest declines the invitation. For BIL to suggest that "those who cannot afford it" (hmmm, is it just me being sensitive, or is that a rather pointed remark ?) slum it in the nearby self catering still smacks of him being rather arrogant. It certainly won't be hundreds (instead of thousands) to stay there and he still seems to be implying that people are expected to come. Methinks he has an over-inflated sense of self importance perhaps ?

Requests to be a best man aren't compulsory BTW ...... I hope he doesn't put DH on the spot. If you can't afford to go, you can't afford to go, irrespective of the title bestowed upon DH.

littlemrsmiss · 10/03/2008 21:44

We will also feel like the "poor" side of the family as everyone else seems to be keen on staying at the resort!

I never thought about food being expensive if we were to go self catering. at cost of flights!

OP posts:
DarrellRivers · 10/03/2008 21:46

Try to go.
He is your Dh's brother
He is family
These things matter

cat64 · 10/03/2008 21:49

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canofworms · 10/03/2008 21:50

We're going to Cyprus this August with 3dc, youngest being 18months. It's because my dad lives there and has done for 3 years but we have only just now afforded to go - it is so expensive!

But, you can do it cheaper! We booked our flights on 1st Jan on easyjet when the sale started and got the lot for uder £600. There's also accomodation you can book separately which starts from around £300 for a week. So with advance planning it might be a bit cheaper.

Both my step-brothers have been married out there and we couldn't afford to go. Nobody was offended but I was actually quite upset at missing out.

auntyspan · 10/03/2008 21:54

We are getting married in May in Greece. We are paying for immediate family for a week, half board, and it's STILL cheaper than a wedding in this country.

We do want a small wedding, which is absolutely why we are doing it abroad. We are having a reception when we get home for friends.

I would speak to your BIL and explain the situation...

Theochris · 10/03/2008 21:55

It's a pain and if you really can't afford it then say so.

It is you DH brother though so you should make the effort if you can.

I sympathise my DB is marrying in Brazil (where his girlfriend is from). Its gonna cost us an arm and a leg and be a bit of a pain (work etc..) but we will do our best to be there because in my family these things matter.

littlemrsmiss · 10/03/2008 21:56

cat64, thats what I always thought. Why go abroard if you want all your family to go with you? BIL reckons it is cheaper to do it abroard for them - costing around £10,000 . I tried to politely point out that you can get married in this country for a lot less than that. He replied that his DP wanted to get married abroad and that was that.

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