Feel so so lonely

[Aimonee]

I’ve never had many friends (I mean I literally have one who I’ve known from school and who lives hundreds of miles away). I have my lovely Husband and my parents who I visit regularly and I’ve always been very content with that.
I’ve also had my work colleagues who I have known 6 years and considered myself to be part of a close team.
I recently gave birth and my little boy is 4 weeks old.
I’ve really enjoyed being a Mum and my little one and loved seeing my Husband play with him and become a Dad. I also enjoy visiting my parents and attending baby groups.
My Husband went back to work 2 weeks ago and since then I’ve never felt so lonely.
I messaged my manager to let her know I’d had the baby. She text back saying congratulations and she’d let everyone know in the team meeting but not a single work colleague has even text to say congratulations. I got not even a card from them when I went off for maternity or after he was born which I kind of accepted but not even a text had hurt me a bit although I know I shouldn’t be bothered.
I try to visit my parents, attend baby groups and just get out for a walk but for some reason despite doing what I can to keep busy I just feel so devastatingly lonely.
When I’m in the flat alone with my baby it’s like time stands still and I’m totally
alone.
I always loved my own company and feel so sad I feel this way.
AIBU and a terrible mother for feeling this way? Is it ‘normal’? My friend said she hated maternity leave so cut it short and went back to work. But I’m enjoying being off when my Husband is around. Just when I’m alone with the baby.
I also feel quite anxious when alone with the baby

Get too baby groups and find some friends. Babies really help with this. You go along and suggest getting a coffee after group etc. you’ll find your people.

Be kind to yourself, your baby is only 4 weeks old. You'll make some new mum friends when you start going out and about with your little one. I do think your colleagues are a bit mean not even sending a congratulations card though! Here's one from me.

When you were alone pre baby what made you happy?

It's a huge transition getting used to your new life with a baby. Suddenly when you aren't busy at work all day you wonder what to fill your time with and your new baby isn't very interactive so it can be quite boring and isolating. That doesn't last though op. Having kids opens up all sorts of social opportunities but it does take time. Please keep going to as many groups as you can. Remember that other Mum's might be feeling the same so invite them for coffees. Once your baby is more mobile and interactive more activities will open up. You can arrange play dates in the park or at each others houses etc. Not to mention your baby will become amazing company.

None of that is a quick fix so I would make sure you arrange a few things for you. Ask your parents to babysit so that you and your dh can go for a meal or go to the cinema.

If you haven't tried look at peanut app
It is hard and you are so in the early days, your colleagues of 6 years are rude to not even write a card xx

No perfectly normal. I think there was a loneliness survey and it found new mums were the loneliest group of people.

I don’t live near family and felt really lonely onmy 3 maternity leaves. Even doing baby groups (though middle one was lockdown). It’s really really tough.

when they’re so new get cosy in the living room and watch some good tv. It’s all feeding sleeping now anyway.

As baby gets more aware and in a nap schedule of sorts try and get in a routine that breaks up the day. I’d walk to the high st in the morning get a few bites for the day etc.
Also I joined peanut app and arranged a weekly park walk with local mums. Just set a date and time and turned up at the cafe it’s a really easy way to get to know other new mums.

Good luck. If you’re really feeling down talk to a health visitor.

Firstly, congratulations! No, you're not a terrible mother. Having a baby is a huge change and it takes time to adjust. It's disappointing that your colleagues haven't contacted you. Could you maybe message them along the lines of, "I'm enjoying being a mum but could do with some adult company, anyone fancy visiting/meeting for a coffee?"

I hear you. I am very introverted, I've got about 3 friends and pre baby enjoyed my own company immensely. As soon as I had my baby and my husband went back to work I was really lonely and it was really a difficult time. It gets easier and time goes on and you settle into a routine at some point which gives your day a bit of structure so the days stop feeling like they're just endless hours stretching out in front of you.

I never made any mum friends at baby groups but I never really put myself out there. I chatted to people but it never really evolved into anything outside the groups. If I'd been more proactive and asked someone for a coffee then it might have been different. I'm lucky that my few friends are local and work part time so I ended up just meeting up as usual for a brew just with the baby (now toddler) in tow and life just sort of resumed as normal at some point.

Do you go to the gym at all? I found a post natal gym class near me that was all about gentle strengthening exercises and we took the babies and they all lay/rolled round on a mat in the middle while we did the class. They were definitely more my people if that makes sense, I always felt a bit awkward at the baby groups and some were a bit cliquey. So keep an eye out for things like that too. If you can get out the house once or twice a day that's a massive help too. Even if you just mooch round Tesco or something it passes a bit of time x

The thing is pre-baby I loved being alone and my own company so I don’t think making mum friends is the solution at all.
it’s something specifically about being with the baby that makes me feel lonely.
I already get out and about a lot but I can’t be with other people 24/7.
I need to feel able to be content on my
own with the baby some
of the time.

this is how I feel. Something about being with the baby alone is what makes
me lonely. I prefer to just have family to socialise with and like my
own company so I am not looking for friends.
Just trying to work out why I feel this way when I’m taking care of the baby.
Did you manage to work out what made you feel like this?

@Aimonee do you think it's because you feel trapped by the baby? Your life has changed now. I felt really frustrated that life as I knew it had fundamentally stopped. It took me ages to get used to that fact.

I do feel a little trapped I suppose. I miss being able to just be free and do whatever I want when I want.
I definitely miss my time with my Husband when we just watched a movie in the evening. We barely speak now as he does the night feeds and I sleep in the other room and then he goes to work.
so I guess I’m not getting that quality time with my Husband.
I also think the task of looking after a newborn baby that doesn’t smile or talk a little mundane.

I felt exactly the same. I found maternity leave terribly isolating. My ds was an easy baby but I have always had a career and everyone I know worked, including all my family. I tried mum & baby groups but they really weren't my thing and I was really struggling. Not helped by having moved just before having ds, so I was not in home territory.

When ds was about four weeks old I bought a sling, popped him in it and went hiking (summer baby). We walked the ridgeway that year. Fresh air & sunshine, loads of people to chat to, ds got used to watching combine harvesters and having his nappy changed on the edge of a field. 😊

You don't have to do 'maternity leave' things. Try adapting what you liked to do before you had your little one.

I moved to other end of the country when my baby was 6 weeks old as he was ivf and we spent alot of our potential deposit on making him happen and just couldn't stay in our high cost of living rental anymore, so I left all my wonderful friends behind and the loneliness was crushing at first. I downloaded peanut despite living in a tiny village and thinking noone would be near me, and now have a lovely connection who I've met up with and meeting up again next week! It's made all the difference as even when I was in London my mates were either at work, and the ones who had kids were all over than mine so we couldn't often do same things or nap times mismatched etc. I found a woman who had her boy same time as mine so its been lovely sharing milestones and lamenting our grumpy babies at times 😂 I had no idea how lonely maternity leave would be, big hugs to you it's hard and you're in the thick of it, my son is 13 weeks and smiling away and it gets so much easier.

@Aimonee I think it's the difference between being on my own and being able to please myself/do what I wanted when I wanted/being able to rest and recharge etc none of that happens when you have a little baby entirely dependent on you for absolutely everything and you work to their schedule so if they need something they need it and you do it. It just isn't the same. It gets easier though, like you I missed my time with my husband. Everything had changed and it's confusing because I love my baby but at the same time I really missed my "old" life and the freedom etc. My baby is 15 months now and it's a game changer once they're old enough that you put them to bed in the evening and they just stay there. When we got our evenings back, things got easier. Also, when I went back to work. It felt like life was kind of on pause when I was on mat leave. A lot of normality resumed when I went back to work.

It's hard without the routine of work especially if you have never been off for any length of time before. Even if you don't particularly like work it gives life structure and there is the company of other people. This lack of routine and a new baby to manage is a lot. It's normal how you are feeling and it will get better. Trying to get some sort of evening back with you dh would probably be helpful ?

Do look and see if there are any mums groups, baby yoga, hartbeeps in your area. They are great ways to meet other mums. Even the library or often the local church has a mums’s group. In my experience they are very welcoming.

Hey OP, just read your post and wanted to send you a virtual hug.

I was exactly the same... I had my son in my second year of university (300 miles from home) and hadn't really made friendships that were solid enough to last through new motherhood! I also didn't have many friends back home anyway so understand you there, too.

Anyway, I just wanted to say IT WILL GET EASIER AND BETTER I PROMISE! I know it feels like this is forever right now but you'll venture out, bump into people that you connect with and feel less lonely as the nights get easier. My MIL made me go to a parent and baby group and that's actually where I met my now best friend, so obviously recommend you keep going to those! I bet everyone there feels like you do on atleast 1 day a week anyway. I also used to go to garden centres with DS quite alot... although I was alone it was free (great for the winters when everything else costs), it got me out and I sometimes came away feeling slightly inspired!

Becoming a mummy is so hard, but so very worth it and just to reiterate - the loneliness will ease I swear.

This is so, so normal for 4 weeks in. You can really lose your sense of self in new motherhood and it can feel so lonely. It doesn’t make you a bad mum and I promise it gets better.

I also recommend baby groups and classes etc - if you can meet a couple of people to go for coffee with etc it can help so much.

Being a new mam is hard and lonely. The adjustment to your new life takes time and you will get there but it will take time. For me it was the lack of sleep, the fights over who was up more during night, having to do same thing over and over but then the baby does something new and you change your routine a little and it keeps on changing.

You do feel a little lost, like you're just Baby's Mam and not who you are. You're proud to be Baby's mam buyt you don't want to get lost.

It will get easier, the loneliness does go/lessen so keep going and when you get the first different thing like a smile you'll hopefully feel a bit brighter. Hugs to you, being a new mam is the best and hardest but it does get a lot better soon xx

You do need mum friends, regardless of how much of an introvert you are.
being alone with a baby is lonely because they don’t interact that much, yet you are not the master of your own time.
you need mum friends/ acquaintances because they understand. They are in the same position. They don’t need to become your forever besties (although some might). But time goes do much faster if you go to baby class, have a coffee after… and of course once baby is a bit bigger they will enjoy the company.
as they say… the days are long, but the years are short. But the days can be soooo long.
i love my own company - yet was so grateful for all the mum friends I made.

It’s a funny one isn’t it OP.

I am very happy in my own company, staying home on my own, going out on my own, cinema, library, I love riding out just me and the horse. Baby comes along and buggers all that up, because you are never then on your own or can please yourself.

I too work full time when I wasn’t off on mat leaves but I did remember with DC1 regularly looking out of the bedroom window to see what was going on in the world, feeling stuck as I couldn’t just pop out and do my own thing.

i am not getting to the age with the eldest where she can be left for maybe an hour at home. It’s great but she’s 12 now ! 🤣 you will get your alone time back OP, just will be a while

I was introverted, possibly a bit of pnd. Things felt hard (not much support). What I found helped me was saying sod it and getting myself out there.

Talk to anyone and everyone, ask a question to a mum at baby group. Look happy in your own skin.

I learned to start things with a warm smile and mundane small talk, like giving a compliment. Things went better when I was being myself and not looking miserable (if things are hard work at home it can carry across in your facial expressions).

After a couple of weeks (it can take longer) if you click with someone say you're grabbing a coffee after or on x day at y time and do they want to join. If they don't not to worry. If you don't ask you won't know.

If it's a hostile atmosphere move onto a different group. I just kept trying things.

The problem is that you’re not alone when you’re looking after a demanding tiny baby, so you’re not getting the recharging solitude introverts need. I’m a sociable introvert, who loves friendships and company, but absolutely needs solitude to compensate, and it was the lack of genuine solitude when DS was a small baby that killed me, as much as the sleeplessness.

You may not need new friends, but solitude-with-baby is making you feel miserably lonely, so I’d suggest trying some baby groups or NCT coffee mornings. It will structure your days and help you relax when you are alone.

I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. Well it was for me anyway. This baby is like an alien invasion! Please don't beat yourself up about it. You need to get used to each other. Babies are quite boring.

I remember nearly crying because I just wanted to post a letter. You can almost see the post box from my door. It usually would have taken me 3 mins, but I had to get the baby ready. It took me about 30 mins to get out the house.

It really does take time to make the adjustment. I wish I'd accepted it earlier. Psychologically I fought the change. Life has changed. It won't ever be the same again, your spontaneous life has gone. Take time to bond. Sit with your baby and watch series after series on tv.

Please try to keep communication open with you husband. I'd move back into the same bedroom so you can feel like a unit again. You can catch up on sleep during the day if it's disturbed.

Your family are close so could you and your husband go to the cinema while someone looks after your son - set that up to happen once a month, so you have something that you do together. Book a massage so you can get out in your own.

Get out for walks with the pram and fresh air every day. I got fit and slim doing this. Join some baby groups - but take what new mums say with a pinch of salt. I found that nobody would admit they were struggling (apart from one who is now a great friend of mine). I am 13 years on and now I'm lonely because my daughter has become so independent and is never wants to be in.