Feel so so lonely

[Aimonee]

I’ve never had many friends (I mean I literally have one who I’ve known from school and who lives hundreds of miles away). I have my lovely Husband and my parents who I visit regularly and I’ve always been very content with that.
I’ve also had my work colleagues who I have known 6 years and considered myself to be part of a close team.
I recently gave birth and my little boy is 4 weeks old.
I’ve really enjoyed being a Mum and my little one and loved seeing my Husband play with him and become a Dad. I also enjoy visiting my parents and attending baby groups.
My Husband went back to work 2 weeks ago and since then I’ve never felt so lonely.
I messaged my manager to let her know I’d had the baby. She text back saying congratulations and she’d let everyone know in the team meeting but not a single work colleague has even text to say congratulations. I got not even a card from them when I went off for maternity or after he was born which I kind of accepted but not even a text had hurt me a bit although I know I shouldn’t be bothered.
I try to visit my parents, attend baby groups and just get out for a walk but for some reason despite doing what I can to keep busy I just feel so devastatingly lonely.
When I’m in the flat alone with my baby it’s like time stands still and I’m totally
alone.
I always loved my own company and feel so sad I feel this way.
AIBU and a terrible mother for feeling this way? Is it ‘normal’? My friend said she hated maternity leave so cut it short and went back to work. But I’m enjoying being off when my Husband is around. Just when I’m alone with the baby.
I also feel quite anxious when alone with the baby

It’s only been 2 weeks since your husband went back to work! Give yourself time, you haven’t even gotten into the swing of it yet. It takes time to adjust and slow down to a different pace, and it takes time to build up a network and a new routine.

Congratulations on baby. It is very early days and is a massive change being responsible for a tiny baby and when you're on own - you can feel anxious - whereas if your husband is there you know there is someone to ask/support. It will get easier as you get into the swing of things and suddenly they're having their first birthday and you wonder where the time went. Could you ask your health visitor if there are any local groups she recommends?

It's still such early days. You will find some mum friends. Being at home with a baby is hard, try to get out and about and hopefully you will fill some of that emptiness you are feeling. Know you are not alone, hope it picks up and congratulations x

Try and be easy on yourself. It takes A while to make new friends. Plus This is a huge shift in your life. It's not surprising you find it lonely. Even thought work colleagues aren't best pals they do provide human interaction on a daily basis. You need to look for this on maternity leave.

The baby classes get you out the house and give you human contact. Go for this. If you make a friend all the better. Try to just speak to one person. If you say hello to someone there's a good chance they will say hello back. Just take baby steps.
Look into nct meet ups and the apps like mush and peanut. Also worth a try. Though I find lots of people ghost you on there (or maybe that's just me!)

Good luck and sending love.

It's your hormones as well OP. Please be kind to yourself and this too shall pass. You will have a great time with your baby

I didn’t enjoy mat leave, I didn’t know many local people then. I’d suggest meeting some new mum friends, baby groups, exercise classes for mums (where babies lie on mats). There’s a lot out there and most of the mums are also looking for some friends / someone to chat to

Your baby is 4 weeks old, lots of time yet to get used to it all. It's a huge transition going 0 to 1. Get out there walking about, go to groups. You are not alone. It gets easier.

Hi, time is still very new, as time goes by your find your own routine. Make the most of time together as it goes so quickly🙂

Congratulations on your wee little one it's still early days and can be a shock to the system especially first time round. Everything is up in the air for a moment and now starting to settle.

You're doing great, just hang in there. Soon the baby will be more interactive.

Thank you. I can relate to that.

Don’t normally reply to much on MN but this really resonated with me. Just wanted to send hugs and tell you that you aren’t alone.
I remember saying to my husband when baby was a similar age ‘I have all these people around me but I feel so alone’ (husband, family, pre-baby friends). I LOVED my own company pre-baby but it isn’t the same, because your time isn’t your own. You can’t just snuggle on the sofa and read your book & then pop to the shops, because you’re caring for a baby and sleep deprived! My LO is 8 months now, I still have days when I feel lonely but generally it’s much better. We go to baby groups, trips to the park to go on the swings, visit family and chill out at home. Promise it’ll get better xx

Firstly, congratulations on your beautiful baby 🥰

I was/am very similar to you - quite introverted with a small group of family/friends. Quite happy that way.

I did, however, find maternity leave quite isolating. I live fairly rurally and my son was born end of November so very much into winter which made it hard to get out and about.

I went to groups but never really made friends there. They did break the day up though.

One thing I did find helpful, if you can afford it, is to go for a coffee in a small cafe/the garden centre. There were often older people in there during the day who would happily say hello to someone with a baby/chat a bit about baby. They weren't expecting a friendship commitment, just enjoyed seeing a baby and having a quick conversation. It did help me feel less isolated.

Came to this thread because I relate to OP big time and @MegaBlox6 hit the nail on the head with:

“ I think it's the difference between being on my own and being able to please myself/do what I wanted when I wanted/being able to rest and recharge etc none of that happens when you have a little baby entirely dependent on you for absolutely everything and you work to their schedule so if they need something they need it and you do it.”

I can’t put DS down at all when he naps during the day and even a sling gas its limits. At 4 months I feel like his needs keep changing just as I get used to a routine and I thought I could read him like a book for 5 minutes and that’s gone already again. I just want a break but not only do I have no one here to help but the Mum guilt is strong and constant if I’m not holding him.😖

It can be such a tough adjustment having first baby. Everyone says (or laughs) how your life will change - in reality while that is true, everyone's adjustment is different and you can't predict how things will change for you.

I joined some baby groups. Didn't really enjoy all the groups - but a) it got me out the house and b) I did meet other mums, a couple who became good friends, and still are many years later.

There will also be some batshit crazy mums - best avoided!

I know you say you don't want friends, but while on maternity leave you will miss those work colleagues. Even if you don't find a new amazing friend, you will at least have some human interaction that I think you (generic you) need - babies are not good at conversation.

I remember at one point I got really down - and realised I hadn't been out the house for 3 weeks, or spoken to anyone except OH. Not healthy!

OP, I completely understand how you feel.. I do enjoy my DH company, I have a lot of friends, large close family and still really enjoy the time I spend alone on a daily basis ideally. But, that is time on my own, time alone spent with a baby gets me in such blue mood I can't explain it better... With first one, I thought it was just COVID era with everyone isolated and not much social contact, but it is the same now with the second one.. Sometimes I have an urge to pick up the older one from nursery earlier just to have someone around even if it means two boys climbing on top of my head lol.. Probably because you are the only adult responsible for daily schedule feeding, changing, sleeping, taking a walk, playing, only one talking in the house... It is lonely and exhausting and repetitive... This second maternity leave is way better because my best friend also had a baby so we were able to go for a walk with babies, have coffie, or just stay at my or hers with babies and chat while they're playing on the floor, help each other with preparing meals and feeding and it's great, but obviously not something you can arrange every day and both of us are desperate when we can't lol... So a lot of mums feel this way.. Also, I think the time of the year the baby is born affects us a bit, both of mine were born early autumn, so it meant first 6 months of terrible cold weather to prevent me of just going outside and about with a small baby. Hang in there, it's perfectly normal how you feel, put some music on or a TV channel you might be interested in, create an athmosfere as you were on you're own not with a baby in that sense, just to get that feeling back if I'm making any sense :-)

What I'm trying to do myself, even if I meet with friends everyday or go to gym, have some time for myself it does not mean the time spent with the baby feels less isolating, while trying to improve social life also we need to make our 1 on 1 time with the baby not so overwhelming.. It does not to be so consuming, all about the baby, he/she can play by himself for 10 muns while you have you coffie/read news, do skin care, just sit and scroll or clean the kitchen, whatever you decide you need to do... By saying 10 mins I mean as long as it is safe and they are not crying 😁

If you are happy in your own company then thats perfectly fine, but if friendships are what you are craving then there really is no easier time than when you've had a baby!

Go to baby clinic, baby sensory, there's usually lots for new Mums to go to. You'll probably find other Mums recommend other groups and it won't be long before you've got a little network of support there if you want it.
And some of these friendships can last years.

I think this is really common in maternity leave, I had a year but was done after 8 months. Join local fb groups to find other mums.

You are feeling like this because in evolutionary terms, new mothers and babies were never alone due to being so vulnerable. This is the time where the tribe (other women in particular) would be rallying around and you would have lots of support and protection. Unfortunately modern life is not conducive to this, so you need to go out and find your ‘tribe’ as others have said in baby groups etc.