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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away with newborn

32 replies

MrsHaniff · 27/10/2023 12:04

I’m worried for the mental and physical health of my newborn baby.
I met my Husband three years ago and my Son who is now 10 was introduced to him slowly before he moved in 8 months ago. He has never met any other man and I was very careful to only introduce a man after I’d dated them at least 16 months which is what I did.
I was worried about introducing a man into our lives but this aspect of things couldn’t have gone better and they have a great bond with my son really
Missing him when he’s at work.
My Son has always been a very happy and contented child. He’s always had an issue with coming off electronics. Getting very angry when it’s time to come off his iPad or Xbox but after a few minutes of tantrum he’d be fine. He was also the same at bed time with not wanting to go to bed but would eventually go. He’s been like this since about 5.
I recently gave birth to my second child. My Husbands first child. He is 3 weeks old.
My 10 year old always wanted a sibling and was excited to meet his Brother in hospital. I was very unwell after the birth but was discharged from hospital 3 days after a c section and with an active infection. So I’ve not been well physically to cope with everything.
My Son went to his Dad for the weekend and since then his behaviour has escalated.
He says he hates the baby and I should have had an abortion. It’s a shame it can’t be killed!
He’s made some racist remarks to my Husband and started only
Communicating with him in a rude manner.
His reaction to being asked to go
To bed or come off electronics while always difficult is now 100 times worse and involves screaming and shouting. We have set rules we keep too which were recommended. Yesterday he threw a football near the baby which hit the wall and scared him causing him to scream.
He has said he’s talked to his Dad about everything and he wants to live with him as he is buying a two bed house and he will have his own room there (his Dad makes false promises as he just doesn’t have the money for a two bed place and is refusing to pay child maintenance due to financial
Difficulties). He also says his Dad doesn’t want anymore children as he’s enough for him.
Yesterday after he’d kicked the football I told him to go to his room and I’d come to chat to him.
I had an hour chat with him and he said that he misses being an only child and hates living with the baby. It cries all the time and he can’t play with it so there’s no point in him. He said he prefers to live with his Dad as he’s an only child there. He said he will come down here every other weekend but wants to live with his Dad.
I explained I understood it’s a huge adjustment for him and did say when he’s older he can choose who he lives with. He’s never lived with his Dad and Dad is very much a ‘Disney Dad’ and quite irresponsible (let’s him stay up until 1am, on Xbox all
Day etc). I’d have concerns if he lived there permanently and his Dad had the parenting responsibilities of day to day life. I also suspect there’s a huge element of parental alienation where his Dad encourages him to want to live there. Making out he will have a better time there and especially using the new baby to his advantage with that.
He’s off with his Dad for the school holidays.

Anyway this morning he was pretty angry because I’d not charged up his iPad. His shouting woke baby up.

I am worried for my eldest welfare too and need advice and support to manage what is going on with him. But also worried for the newborn who I fear will grow up with an angry much older brother who hates him.

For now I’m wondering if it would benefit them both if my Husband lived away with the newborn (his brother lives 5 mins away and is happy to have them if needed). Or would this be seen as a massive rejection to the 10 year old? If it’s not the best course of action can anyone recommend anything else? We’re currently trying to make
Lots of time for eldest on his own with positive attention.
I’ve spoken to his school teacher who says he is very happy on school and talks excitedly about his baby brother which was shocking to me. I also noticed on his iPad he has changed his background pic to one of his brother.

But generally he’s just rude and aggressive now and it’s created a horrible environment in the home.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHaniff · 27/10/2023 12:14

Sorry the post is so long. Couldn’t see how to shorten it.

OP posts:
lamalamalamasquirrel · 27/10/2023 12:18

No you cannot send your newborn baby away with dad. Your newborn baby will want you too!

Codlingmoths · 27/10/2023 12:21

I’m sorry it’s very difficult but there are lots of positive signs- what he says at school about baby for example. I think you just keep making time for him, keep strict limit on devices as they don’t seem to help. your husband can take baby out for a walk etc and you spend time with your oldest, but he shouldn’t move out.

Codlingmoths · 27/10/2023 12:22

Don’t any of his friends have siblings? Point at things baby does and tell your older son funny little stories about how he did just that and you loved it so much, and you would never have dreamed those fat little baby feet could possibly turn into the long big boy feet he has, etc

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/10/2023 12:23

Agree with the others. It sounds like your older son would benefit from counselling but not sure how yo go about this. Via GP? Someone will know.

Firsttimemum623 · 27/10/2023 12:26

It sounds like this situation hasn't been going on very long, so I'd suggest you just keep making time for your eldest & hopefully things will improve. You could also say that you'll discuss him moving with his dad once he's bought this 2 bed place... which you say might never happen 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
MrsHaniff · 27/10/2023 12:27

The baby would be here every day while eldest is at school and some of the evening. But at night would be with his Dad so we all get some breathing space

OP posts:
Azandme · 27/10/2023 12:32

You really can't send your newborn away.

Your son is struggling to adjust, it's not that unusual for older siblings to be jealous and behave badly.

You parent through it, you don't send a newborn away - that will teach your son his behaviour works in controlling the household - it's also really not good for your baby to separate them from their mother.

Speak to your health visitor.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/10/2023 12:32

I think that would be avoiding the real problem which is your son's feelings about the baby. He's proud of the baby in school but playing up at home and is obviously not happy - you need to get to the bottom of this otherwise your husband will be sleeping somewhere else indefinitely.

Sprinkles211 · 27/10/2023 12:35

This is all normal behaviour, your son has an issue with boundaries and pushing them as you say his other parent has none, a new sibling is just as much of an adjustment as being a new parent. My 7 year old has only just fully adjusted to having a younger sister and she's 9 months old. Splitting your family up even temporarily sends him the wrong message. Routine and structure is needed to make a child feel secure

pikkumyy77 · 27/10/2023 12:35

Your son needs more/better boundaries not more control over you. If it were my home I would not have let him start addictive behavior like x box. And I would have removed it for dangerous behavior towards the baby.

Supervise him more with the baby. Do more together as a family. Have him make meals with your dh. Have him do more with your dh. Include him in. Don’t exclude him or the baby.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/10/2023 12:36

It sounds to me like your ex has been getting into your DS's head about you not wanting him now he's not an only child.

I think splitting them is the worst thing you could do.

Absolutely make sure your DH takes the baby so that you can have 1:1 time with your DS, but also encourage that affection you know your son has for your sibling.

He's testing you to see if what he thinks/has been told about him being replaced is right. Don't show him that you'd send your baby away because he'll then think you could send him away too.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/10/2023 12:37

It's very normal for a child's behaviour to deteriorate when a new sibling comes.

Your situation seems more extreme because your DS's behaviour with the electronics was already more extreme than 'normal' (for want of a better word) already.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 12:38

Your older dc's wishes don't outweigh a new baby needing it's dm.
Ask at school about therapy. Prob quicker than via GP. He needs some consequences ime. He sounds a bloody brat..

BananaHamster · 27/10/2023 12:42

No, you don't send your husband and newborn away. That's not a normal response.

Your eldest is jealous. Probably made worse by his fathers comments?
You send them away, you'll teach him he can behave rotten and get rewarded.

SingingSands · 27/10/2023 13:00

You know how toddlers act out when a new baby arrives? Well, so do older children. Even teenagers get the hump. It's a normal part of adjusting to new family life.

The best way is to keep everyone together. You are a family. Use positive reinforcement. The PP above who said about talking to the baby about his big brother has it spot on. "Oh baby, look how tall your big brother is, can you imagine him being as tiny as you?" Say to your son "I can remember you fitting into a little baby-gro, just like this one - look at this photo of you at the same age" etc etc.

Your older boy is acting out, trying to establish his new role in the family. Getting angry coming off electronics is the equivalent of a toddler who won't come away from their toys. Toddlers also throw toys at babies.

Just keep telling him that he is your baby too, just a lot bigger, and with lots of love and some time he will adjust. Please don't split your family up. Your partner can help too - don't let yourself "take over" your eldest. Let your partner play a positive role with him too. You are both parents.

Good luck - keep pushing the positive and give it all a little time.

Mariposista · 27/10/2023 13:20

The iPad needs removing and destroying, not the baby. He is clearly addicted.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/10/2023 14:15

Mariposista · 27/10/2023 13:20

The iPad needs removing and destroying, not the baby. He is clearly addicted.

Well, if he's actually addicted taking the ipad away and destroying it would make things worse and also be very wasteful. He needs help not punishment. OP and her son need some professional support.

Original poster
MrsHaniff · 27/10/2023 14:15

Thanks everyone.
I do worry that he’s genuinely unhappy living with us all and it’s not just a phase. I hope it’s just a period of adjustment

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHaniff · 27/10/2023 14:17

I agree.
although I don’t think he’s addicted.
I think electronics seem to have this effect on many children. We’re quite strict on boundaries regarding the iPad and he’s on it a lot less than his peers.

OP posts:
parietal · 27/10/2023 14:20

This is definitely adjustment. Stick together and things will settle down.

set expectations for your older boy - that you will have to put the baby to bed at 6pm and you'll read books / play games with him after

definitely talk about what he was like as a baby / get out his baby photos etc.

can the older boy help with baby bathtime? that might be one point where he can be involved in a low stress way

keep reassuring your older boy and remind him that it will take time for the baby to settle down

lking12 · 27/10/2023 14:26

To be honest I would be saying that until
his behaviour improves then he will have no access to electronics. That is unless he agrees a specific time limit and at the end finishes what he’s doing and puts the electronics away then he has no access to them. That access to them is a privilege and is not an invitation to bad behaviour. If he can’t use the electronics well behaved and sensibly he doesn’t get to use them. That might be a pain for you but you need to set that boundary. If you don’t want bad behaviour don’t give him opportunity to behave badly (let him use electronics when you know getting him off them is hard).

I would parent through the issues and ‘love bomb’ him a bit. Talk to your health visitor and supervise your baby well.
don’t send the baby away all you’re teaching him is acting in a horrible way gets him what he wants?

Mariposista · 27/10/2023 14:28

lking12 · 27/10/2023 14:26

To be honest I would be saying that until
his behaviour improves then he will have no access to electronics. That is unless he agrees a specific time limit and at the end finishes what he’s doing and puts the electronics away then he has no access to them. That access to them is a privilege and is not an invitation to bad behaviour. If he can’t use the electronics well behaved and sensibly he doesn’t get to use them. That might be a pain for you but you need to set that boundary. If you don’t want bad behaviour don’t give him opportunity to behave badly (let him use electronics when you know getting him off them is hard).

I would parent through the issues and ‘love bomb’ him a bit. Talk to your health visitor and supervise your baby well.
don’t send the baby away all you’re teaching him is acting in a horrible way gets him what he wants?

This!

muchalover · 27/10/2023 14:28

It is normal to push against boundaries but ultimately they help children feel safe and that people care, despite the railing. I think getting him to help with the baby would be good so he can bond with him and baby will get to know him. Baby massage, talking, helping him dress and bath time.

Newborn doesn't last long and in a blink he will able to interact and play.

It's more likely the dysregulation is due to dad than baby. Supporting him to feel protective and nurturing will help.

Visual timers for gaming and countdowns are great, it doesn't feel like a surprise. Maybe consider demand avoidant language too. Ought, should, must, will, now, immediately etc can be high conflict terms instead suggest choice i.e. you can have 20 more minutes then get ready for bed or you can get ready for bed in two minutes and then have 20 minutes once you are in your pj's, and cleaned your teeth. Which do you fancy?

peenaction · 27/10/2023 14:30

Lots of good advice here.

It might also be worth acknowledging that there are negatives to having a baby in the family, given your son's age, as well as doing lots of things as a family.

I personally found babies pretty boring. They don't do much apart from feed and sleep and cry. If I felt like that as a mother, it would be perfectly possible for a ten year old to feel simultaneously 'natural' love for his baby sibling, and anger and frustration that the baby is just a squealing blob who takes up his mum's time and love.

I found my own babies became far more fun once they started talking and walking. Your son may find the same - but it might just be worth acknowledging that babies aren't that interesting, in case that's what he's thinking but doesn't feel he can say.

Other than that, as pp say, try to find ways to include your son that make him feel that you are all one family. It's also worth bearing in mind that your son may well have feelings that he doesn't understand about his stepfather being the baby's 'real' father. Maybe this is part of the reason that he thinks he wants to live with his own father?

Again as a PP suggests, I'd tell him that once his dad has bought a two-bedroom house, you can discuss it further. My guess is that his dad will never do this - and even if he does, it will take so long that a lot of these problems will have resolved themselves meanwhile.

Do not split your family up, though.